I want to be normal

[dreamer_2.0]

Just got back from having sushi with my ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend. Despite she and I breaking up a few years back it still feels strange seeing her with someone else. This could possibly be in part from me not having been with anyone since her; no arm-candy to double-date with her. It was just the three of us tonight making it a very awkward dinner, for me at least (the bad sushi didn't help either).

But despite how uncomfortable I felt around their happy relationship something bothered me even more. They're normal cis-gendered people.

I know many people on here feel that the CD, TG, TS identities are normal but I cannot personally allow myself to believe that. I don't feel normal. I don't feel right. I don't feel good. This suggests something is wrong. It suggests to me that this is a disorder.

I don't want this. I don't want these feelings. Yes, I want to be female, but I'm not. I'm male, always have been and probably always will be. I don't want to have this ridiculous, likely perverse desire, obsession, whatever you want to call it, to be female. It's just screwing me up and ruining my life. It's true I hate being male but that's what I am, why can't I just accept that and move on? Why can't I just be a cisgendered man? Fine and content with the masculine parts I have.

I want to go out with my ex and her boyfriend with a girl of my own and stop thinking of this nonsense of being that girl.

It's safe to say the effexor has not kicked in yet. Sorry for the bitching and whining and if I offended anyone.

[lisa_cd]

I'm sorry about all your feelings...I'm no counselor....probably no one here really is...I used to feel the same way at times, maybe not to the degree you are, but I've felt that way. You know what I would do? Find other things to keep me busy...fun things...hobbies..things to keep busy...but things just to take the pressure off yourself...when I would step back away from myself and take a breath, things aren't as stressful as they might seem....just thoughts...

Lisa

[Aprilrain]

I don't feel normal. I don't feel right. I don't feel good. This suggests something is wrong. It suggests to me that this is a disorder.

I don't want this. I don't want these feelings. Yes, I want to be female, but I'm not. I'm male, always have been and probably always will be.

If You suffer from GID then YES you have a "disorder". that doesn't mean there is no hope for you.

the ONLY effective treatment for GID is transition, Its hard, it sucks and its painful but eventually you get to the other side and are no longer plagued by the incessant desire to be a woman (or man), At least that was my experience.

[Angela Campbell]

The surprising thing I have found is the one thing we all did to try to ease the symptoms of GD - hiding it and denying it - seem to help for a while but eventually turn out to be the thing that is making it worse. The only way out of it is to do exactly the opposite of what you want to do. You have to take the thing that you were so afraid of being exposed and fully expose it to the world.

No one in their right mind wants this. No one asks for this. No one can wish it away. The harder you try the stronger the dysphoria will become.

In truth it is not "this ridiculous, likely perverse desire, obsession, whatever you want to call it, to be female. that is just screwing me up and ruining my life."
It is the fighting it that is causing the misery.

[kimdl93]

So do that. Do what it is you want to do. If tis a girlfriend, then get out there and mingle.

But don't waste time recycling the why me question. It just is. You might have been born in a yurt in Mongolia or near Chernobyl...or grew up breaking bricks in India. But you are who you are and where you are. Try to make the most of it.

But that won't make you feel normal. Living a life of hiding part of you is what gives you that feeling of being wrong. Try living a measure or two closer to what you feel you are or should be. You may find that some incremental steps towards life as a woman will help you feel better about yourself...and make it easier to meet and be open about yourself with a potential partner.

[melissaK]

Sweetie, most all of us went through the "why me" stuff. I mean who really wants to be in a disproved of minority?? But if you want to be happy and have stable relationships based upon who you honestly are, you need to overcome your internal disapproval of yourself. We all want to be loved for who we are, not who we pretend to be. Unless you show people who you are, you won't be loved in a meaningful way.

Self acceptance of something you were taught is "perverse" takes time. You have a LOT of social conditioning to undo. It took me about, lets see, age 52 when I started HT, minus age 13 when I first learned there were TS and immediately knew it was me, = 39 years. 39 years of denial, 39 years of pretending to be someone I wasn't . . . 3 marriages, thousands of dollars spent in counseling.

In the end I found Kate Bornstein's "My Gender Workbook" a helpful tool to understanding social conditioning about gender, and that helped me un-wire some of my internal disapproval. It costs about $25.00 at Amazon and is WAAAAY cheaper than even one counseling session. You might try it.

[linda allen]

Why in the world do you socialize with your ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend? Are these the only people in your town?

You are only making yourself feel bad by doing this. Break it off with her completely and move on. Find yourself a new girlfriend if you wish, but leave her out of it. (I have two ex wives, I knoww how to do this).

As far as feeling "normal", there are as many "normals" as there are people. Unless you have three legs or something like that, you should be able to feel normal.

[jillleanne]

The reason you feel there is something wrong is simply because you fail to accept who you are based on social learnings taught to you since birth. When applying your definition of normal to yourself, you fail because you are using the definition you were taught to believe is correct, which it isn't. Once you accept yourself for who you really are, that feeling of normal will become self evident. This may or may not ever happen and until it does, you will always feel this way about yourself. Many people who are not tg feel the same way about themselves for other reasons, too short, too tall, to fat, too skinng, straight hair, curly hair, the list is endless. There is no such thing as normal period, just different. The issues are causes by false beliefs entrenched in all of us by society and it's failure to see the world in an unbiased way.

[melissaK]

I think Jilleanne is quite right - not feeling "normal" affects everyone about something - tall, fat, skinny, shy, etc. Beauty magazines, fitness magazines, advertising, all combine to present a powerful idea of what we all think we should look like. And we fall for it. We all do. Its a human thing.

And we all fall short of the mark. And we all become insecure about why we think we don't measure up to these messages. And being insecure is emotionally painful. I mean "goth" kids are all about sharing the emotional pain they feel because they aren't "normal."

We can blow our gender variance issues out of proportion if we want, but really they are just another version of it.

It can be dealt with. You can find self esteem. You can find self acceptance. You can find happiness.

For me, transitioning was giving myself permission to be myself. And I am way happier.

[arbon]

I like your post Dreamer, I relate to a lot of what you said.


Being trans can be pretty messed up. I used to try making myself accept being a man, I did not understand why I felt the way I did. I would yell at myself about it, sometimes even hitting myself. At times want to kill myself because of it - it was very frustrating.

Then I gave up, stepped away from trying to be him and it did relieve much of the internal turmoil. I felt a lot better about me.

But did I become normal?

A lot of TS women do get to where they are pretty normal women among women. But a lot of us get stuck in that transsexual identity and try to make the best of it. its nice to think it is normal, to say it is, to always always always act like it is and not let any doubt or insecurity show - but in reality everytime you notice you are being stared at, or talked about, or pointed out, on occasion laughed at, often mis-gendered - you know that you are not normal (but you can't show it!). You are something else - a curiosity, something different, sometimes you feel like a freak. You have to make the best of it though and for me it is better then the conflict inside.

There is no easy out!

[Rachel Smith]

Dreamer girl,

Here is an excerpt from a letter I am about to send to my Mom & Dad, brother and sisters and my daughter. Maybe you can relate.

From these early times on I had a feeling of just not fitting in no matter what I did, school, baseball, bowling, the USAF, working for Donnie, I just felt on the inside like I didn’t fit in. Ask Bill how I was at work, quiet and reserved, keeping mostly to myself. So you see Bill it wasn’t ALL your fault, sorry about blaming you, most of it was me. Even during my druggie days and yes there were druggie days but the real reason I had long hair was to feel more in touch with my female side. The drugs involved no needles just pot, hash, uppers, downers, etc. but even then I only felt like I fit in if I had some to share with my friends. You can say what you want about Gary Ellex but I will tell you this. Of all my druggie friends he is the only one that spent time with me after I quit. I think the drugs and drinking were just an escape to get away from these feelings of not belonging and though being surrounded by a wonderful family there was no place anywhere on earth where I could just be ME. Hell I didn’t feel accepted in male clothes so I surely wasn’t willing to compound that by wearing girls clothes, not to mention the shame it would have brought to the family that loved me but just didn’t know about my struggle. I quit the drugs when I bought my first horse because Sherry said we couldn’t afford both but then the drinking worsened.
All through my adult life I always had a stash of girls’ clothes somewhere. I would buy some wear them when I could then get rid of them as I tried not to be like this, we call this purging. Then I would buy more, stash them, wear them when I could then purge again. It was a never ending cycle. I thought marriage could “cure” me but it was not to be I still had my stash and my moments of dressing and purging swearing I would never do it again.
After I met Michelle and Rick and found out what true acceptance is and how wonderful it can be the drinking stopped. Not that I don’t enjoy a beer from time to time but I went from a case and ½ plus a week to 1 or 2 beers a week. I didn’t make a conscious effort to quit I just didn’t feel the need any longer, still don’t, I am finally happy and content on the inside. This is not to say I didn’t have a good and happy childhood or adolescence, I did, but at night when I laid my head on the pillow it was always with the thought of, why can’t I just fit in? Why can’t I just be ME?

Take care sweeite
Chin up and smile for who you are
Rachel

[Inna]

I suppose I am that Normal post transsexuality woman. When I say Normal I mean, I have normal abnormalities about the imperfectly normal world. I fought tooth and nail to get here, and I am nowhere near the end.
But the struggle and ridicule I suffered during that most gruesome section of transition was immense.
There are few who say "transition can be smooth if you plan for it", however in my experience, when I jumped from proverbial cliff, I had no idea, despite my plans, of when and how the bottom shall brake my fall.
What you write is utmost NORMAL in the light of abnormality of transness. Yes, it is painful, sorrowful, depressing. But sometimes the best medicine tastes most awfully!

[Leah Lynn]

All I have to add is to raise my hand and say, "Me, too!" You are surrounded by others that have been, or are there, as well. We understand.

Hugs, Leah

[PaulaQ]

Hey Dreamer_grl, nobody would ask to be a woman in a man's body. I sympathize with your feelings - I asked "why me" a lot. In the end though - it doesn't matter why. It just is. I agree with the others here - fighting it just makes it worse.

[dreamer_2.0]

As always, thank you for your posts. I wasn't really looking for responses as this was essentially a vent but they're so appreciated because they're coming from ladies who understand. You've been through this or are going through it right now.

It seems a common message is to stop fighting and that the only true effective relief from this hell is transition, which in itself is apparently another hell. Even my therapist seems to be subtly hinting at it.

Not going to give up on the Effexor just yet but, with the way things appear to be going, it's possible there may be another "Starting HRT Today" thread on here in the future.

A scary thought just came to mind, if I'm this emotional now then HRT is going to be crazy...

[Rachel Smith]

Actually Dreamer grl I am much less emotional since being on Efexor and HRT. I feel much more balanced now. I started the Efexor in Jan of 2012 and HRT in May of 2012. I still have a lot of feelings but I don't have the violent swings anymore. I am not numb however, like I was on some of the other "happy pills".

[docrobbysherry]

Bla bla bla. Sorry. I've had my evening glass of wine. But, MOST everyone is projecting their own experience/idea of what u r going thru, on u!

Here's how it REALLY works, Dreamer. The only folks without problems live in Forest Lawn. None of us r living your life. U have to figure it out on your own. Much as Inna, I, and others here have. More or less.

I say more or less, because even tho we have 70 to 90 years to get it all together, I haven't known ANYONE who did/has!

[Sejd]

Hi Linda, you crack me up LOL.

Truth be said Dreamer-grl, this gender queer thing or what ever label you want to put on it is not an easy thing. But you need to know that it is not going away if that is who you are. So be a bit patient and deal with it. That's what we all have to do.
hugs
Sejd

[Ann Louise]

Hey Dreamer_grl,

I'd kept a daily journal, well almost daily anyway, for a couple of years, back through a long period of marriage counseling, then early on with my gender counselor. When I read back through those aging entries I see the manic depressive writings of a crazy person as I was acknowledging and accepting my transsexual nature. Up, down, all over, and it seems like the same emotions you are expressing were part of my down times.

Sheesh Dreamer, may I be so bold as to say that none of us "wanted" this. But given I know I can't go back; if i tried I know now I'd surely end my life early in a wild crazy funk that'd be way worse than any time previous; and I know now that there's only one thing I can do about it, and I'm doing it. Maybe you can, maybe you can't, maybe you should try to go back, in fact, maybe you should so when and if you come to the undeniable conclusion that many of us have come to, you'll truly accept it, move on with confidence and love for yourself, and not look back. You might find such a strong measure of peace and strength that you could be amazed.


And I must add, time passes by so quickly. I know you've heard that before, but it's so true, and one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't act when I still had the chance to live my life as a happy young girl, dating and having fun, adventures and disappointments. You still have that chance hun, if you don't waste the precious years you have before you. Even if you have ups and downs and postponements, have active postponements, and think, analyze, feel to the max (uh, your thoughts, your analysis, and your feelings, not anyone elses). Keep a journal, talk with transfolk, talk with a gender counselor, talk-think-act-talk-think-act... Resolve this, don't try to ignore it.

I reluctantly became a trans-elder, but now that I am fully committed to my journey I love my life so much more than before. Maybe you, too, will love yours someday. IMHO only, and all the best to you, Ann