Whats next?

[Anne Elizabeth]

I want to transition, I want to start HRT I want this blank blankity GD to go away. I told my counselor that a month ago but also said that I am not ready to come out too everybody. At my age (55) I really don't think that HRT will affect me that fast but what if it does? I mean great but financially I am not sure I am ready yet.

The dynamics of my marriage have changed significantly, and I know that my wife has been in a holding pattern waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I have been so scared of the future and the loss of my wife (even though she says that she still wants to be in my life) I guess that I am too scared to take the leap. So I sit here frozen in time just existing. Stuff happens.

I have been going to a counselor for that last three years, and I also go to a PFLAG meeting once a month, This is great as this group has a lot to transsexuals and it helps a lot. I have even gotten to the point that If I need to transition I need to get out and out in public so yesterday (I travel about an hour and half to counselor and PFLAG) so I get to town have to go potty said heck with it and stooped at a convince store went right in and used the correct potty then bought a pack of gum. After my counselor session I went right in to jimmy johns bought supper left and went to park and ate it. The world did not end. If it did I did not get the memo and nobody will read this then anyway.

I guess I am saying that I am getting tired of GD, I am getting worn down. I am ready to change. The GD will never go away. I feel like that my whole life has been a sham because I have held people at arms length. I have never really been able to really become a friend because I have kept the gender walled off, boxed up, not letting anybody into my life, I am worn out and tired and fed up. I give up but am also too scared to take the final leap. How the hell do I do this?

[Angela Campbell]

Getting past the fear is a big step. I do not know how. It was so very hard for me. I nearly had a nervous breakdown before I finally jumped in. I was terrified. After taking some major steps, and looking back, I see it is not such a big deal as I thought it would be.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Start gathering all your physical, mental, emotional and financial resources. Treat people around you like gold.

Start electrolysis.

As you can tell on this board. You can do it if you really want it..(if you really NEED it)... its not easy and you'll have to be patient...there is no law that says it has to happen today or even in a year.....

bottom line...day by day... if you decide to inch forward its perfectly fine...the feeling of progress may keep you going....and if you feel like the need to live your real life is accelerating, that's scary but trust me, it will prompt you to action

[noeleena]

Hi,

Okay this seems to me to be about i wont i wont, is that a good enough reason .

try this , have you accepted who you are, do you know who you are, this is far more importaint than ...i wont...

I did not hear the words im going to become a woman or im going to grow ...into.. a woman.

I never wonted to be or become a woman, that may sound strange, so i'll leave it there, yet iv ...GROWN... into a woman.

My makeup is a bit different, at age 10 i knew who i was & things would change at a later time and they have, you see what im saying i knew, hey there were issues i had to face some major detail involved family plus a hell to live through,

I can not tell you how to do what you need to do. this is your life, though i will say this, its pointed & to the point hard yet it needs to be done .

Get off your backside, & >>> LIVE <<<< have you got it, if you dont, youll ...DIE...

When you understand this youll know what im saying, maybe not just now, later you will. trust me i know .....

...noeleena...

[I Am Paula]

Three years of therapy is a lot. I spent a lot of time straddling the fence, until, at 55, I had a major meltdown, and needed to start HRT immediately. If you decide on HRT, you have a fair amount of time before you have to come out, but it is inevitable, so work on a timeline (very flexible). With enough notice, you should be able to transition on the job. (don't know your details)

Throughout the struggle with my gender, my marriage evolved/dissolved into something entirely new. We had given up sex years ago, cause I could not deal with the male role, so we became best friends, who share a home, do everything together, and act like any long married couple, except now we are a sexless same sex couple. My wife has had her ups and downs with this arrangement, but in the end always (knock on wood) comes back to it being mutually beneficial, emotionally satisfying, and provides the companionship she needs. We cuddle on the couch sometimes, and a kiss goodnight, but that's it for intimacy.

Just my opinion, but if you need to transition, you need to go out in public ALOT. Get used to it, make it yours, someday this will be your normal, and you have to be master of it. There are very few (any?) closeted transsexuals.

You feel like your life was a sham. Your preaching to the choir here girl. I think all late transitioners feel this way. Each step of my life was carefully orchestrated to show the world how 'normal' I was. It began to rot my soul. I live as a woman, I'm on HRT, and I'm making my plans for the future. For the first time in my life I have an identity. I lead my destiny, not follow it.

I hope, through whatever means you ultimately choose, you can find the peace and happiness I have.

[Rianna Humble]

Anne, you sound almost ready to transition but not quite. I do understand that the future can seem a scary and unwelcoming place, but if you realise that you need to transition, then I would encourage you to make the first steps towards achieving that goal.

Remember what the ancient Chinese proverb says

A journey of 1000 miles still starts with the first step

I may be wrong but it seems to me that you are beyond the stage where you don't need to transition, please don't let your wife and family down by being too scared to take the first step. They are relying on you to do it.

[ReineD]

II guess that I am too scared to take the leap. So I sit here frozen in time just existing.

... so I get to town have to go potty said heck with it and stooped at a convince store went right in and used the correct potty then bought a pack of gum. After my counselor session I went right in to jimmy johns bought supper left and went to park and ate it. The world did not end.

Do you mind if I ask, why have you not gone out dressed before? And now that you have and know that the world didn't end (), would you consider going out on a regular basis at least a few times per week, even as you begin to think about the next more permanent steps? I guess you could call this a mini or a pre-RLE, and it would give you the feeling that at least you are doing something?

[Anne Elizabeth]

Great Question ReineD, Actually I have gone out many times fully dress but basicaly to the counselor and the goodwill stores and to the PFLAG meetings. Most of what one would consider safe spots. But, last month I decided that If this is right then I have to step out of the safe zone and just do it and not care what anyone thinks. I look at it as making their day. Also due to my wife's occupation comming out in town here can be a major problem as well as my now part time job. As far as the feeling of doing something maybe the correct term for me would be Do More and Become.

Thanks

[Anne Elizabeth]

Rianna you say "I may be wrong but it seems to me that you are beyond the stage where you don't need to transition, please don't let your wife and family down by being too scared to take the first step. They are relying on you to do it."
I believe there is one word that explains it all SCARED!
I have always been to one to preplan everything and this can't be planned like I want.

[I Am Paula]

At first I tried everything not to transition. I even booked a breast augmentation without hormones. I knew that somehow, just being that much more feminine would get the job done. I was scared to death by the whole concept of transition. Anyone not afraid of transition is probably a bit off their rocker.
When it gets to crunch time, and you HAVE TO transition, is when you push the fear aside.
I pre-planned my whole false life. Now that I have a real life, I'm much more likely to go with the flow, and see where this takes me.

[Angela Campbell]

As an engineer I always planned everything, even how to make the plan. It is difficult to plan an explosion though. Sure you can plan how to set it up, and when to pull the pin, but you just cannot plan for what happens once you do pull the pin. Once the explosion begins everything starts to happen very fast and you cannot keep up with it. All you can do is ride it out and hope for the best and when things settle down, then start working with whatever is left. No control for a while.

I started a plan, and now I am in the explosion part. I pulled the pin and began hormones, told my employer and started telling my family. Cannot stop it now so I will just ride it out for a while until the smoke clears enough to start making plans again. I have a rough idea of what I want to do just no firm way to know when or in what order or even how to do these things. But I am beyond the point of no return.

Funny, for the first time I am not in control and I really feel good about it.

[Megan G]

I have to agree with what everyone else has said. I spent the majority of my 39 years on this planet denying who I was and fighting it constantly. All that accomplished was wear me down, cause years of depression and caused me more grief than good. I used all the typical excuses on myself, I can't because of this or that. I can't because I will let me family down, loose my job and many other reasons.

I wore myself down so much I was a mess then one day I let it slip to my wife that I wanted to be a woman and it was like I let the cat out of the bag. It was my breaking point and suddenly everything started making sence. And now I have no where near the experience many of the girls on here do ( only 2 weeks hrt) but for the first time in decades I feel "Free" and loving life once again.

[jillleanne]

Geez, sounds like I could have written this post a few years ago. Yes, I still deal with gd; always will, by my choice. No I do not like it either but I manage it. I am out to anyone. That was the biggest and single best thing I could have done; accepting who I am and accepting the repercussions. I came out about ten years ago. I do not want to transition any longer. I'm 58 and have decided the cost/benefit will not make that much difference in the time I have left. Sure, it would make me delirious in some ways and create issues in other ways. I present en femme for weeks at a time when I want, and have still the ability to get my hair and femme attachments out of the way if I decide I want to build a new deck or rebuild a motor for a race car in ninety degree weather. So I decided to find a middle road that would keep me content either way. Loving being both genders sucks at best so that is how I deal with it and it works for me. Transitioning as many will tell you, can be just as troubling as gd, but, some simply must. You need to figure it all out own your own because only you know how you feel.

[DebbieL]

I want to transition, I want to start HRT I want this blank blankity GD to go away. I told my counselor that a month ago but also said that I am not ready to come out too everybody. At my age (55) I really don't think that HRT will affect me that fast but what if it does? I mean great but financially I am not sure I am ready yet.

Actually, HRT might affect you more, because you naturally have lower testosterone levels. Still, it's not an overnight deal. This is a good thing. It will give you time to be comfortable in your new body as it begins to develop.

The dynamics of my marriage have changed significantly, and I know that my wife has been in a holding pattern waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I have been so scared of the future and the loss of my wife (even though she says that she still wants to be in my life) I guess that I am too scared to take the leap. So I sit here frozen in time just existing. Stuff happens.

This is not a good sign. If she still wants to be in your life, even though you are transitioning, you probably want to keep that partnership alive. You will need to be stable in your relationships, because everything else in your world will start changing rather radically and suddenly.

I have been going to a counselor for that last three years, and I also go to a PFLAG meeting once a month, This is great as this group has a lot to transsexuals and it helps a lot. I have even gotten to the point that If I need to transition I need to get out and out in public so yesterday (I travel about an hour and half to counselor and PFLAG) so I get to town have to go potty said heck with it and stooped at a convince store went right in and used the correct potty then bought a pack of gum. After my counselor session I went right in to jimmy johns bought supper left and went to park and ate it. The world did not end. If it did I did not get the memo and nobody will read this then anyway.

One of the requirements before you start HRT is usually to be getting LOTS of Real Life Experience in your target gender. You need to start getting out as Anne as much as possible. You might also want to get feedback from your wife, she will help you learn to BLEND, which makes it much easier to go through life as a woman unnoticed. You might get "read" once in a while, but since you don't attract attention, people will be less inclined to say or do anything about it.

I guess I am saying that I am getting tired of GD, I am getting worn down. I am ready to change. The GD will never go away. I feel like that my whole life has been a sham because I have held people at arms length. I have never really been able to really become a friend because I have kept the gender walled off, boxed up, not letting anybody into my life, I am worn out and tired and fed up. I give up but am also too scared to take the final leap. How the hell do I do this?

Yes, it's very frustrating trying to pretend not to be who you are and pretend to be something you are not. I often felt like my whole life was a lie. I hated compliments because I always felt like the wrong person was getting credit for the real accomplishments. When I let Debbie come out and play, amazing results were achieved, at home, at work, and in my community. When Kudos were being handed out, Rex would get the credit, and Debbie would be excluded from the party. In fact, the first two years after I first came out, I won 3 major awards for outstanding performance, while I was being harassed into giving my resignation.

Everything changes once you go public. I changed jobs (a few times), relocated, and changed romance partners (a few times). I aborted transition, and the consequences were horrendous - I gained weight, had two heart attacks, a stroke, and migranes. When I started considering transition again, I started losing weight, got healthier, and started accomplishing more.

Now I'm back to RLE, am talking to my employer about how and when I will transition on the job, started gender therapy, and have started HRT. Not exactly "by the book", but at 57 years old, I was beginning to think it was the choice between HRT and a "Prestone Cocktail". The therapist has really helped me sort a bunch of this stuff out.

How do you do it? One step at a time. The HRT will take 6-9 months before the breasts become too large to conceal under a men's dress shirt. However, there is a good chance that by then, you will be comfortable living full time as a woman.

The important thing at this point is to manage consequences. Those who know and support you need to be kept closer. Those who reject your transition will be the ones you release. Once they are gone, others will fill the void. Others who will support and accept you as Anne.

[Barbara Ella]

I think you know what is next. You won't be able to do it until the scare becomes outweighed by the must do it. You are transitioning, as you are making decisions and reformulating the items you are ready for...You are ready for change...You will make the change when you feel it. Relax and take deep breaths, and let life work on you. You will do what is right when it is right.

Barbara

PS. Believe me you will still be scared, but you will know it was right...lol

[Janelle_C]

Anne I know this is the hardest decision you will probably have to make. I would tell my therapist that I would go only as far as my wife could handle. But it took me almost a year to realize that it was not fair to her or me to make her decide how far I would go. I know how scared you are, that by being who you were meant to be you could lose so much. I’m also 55 and made the decision to transition four months ago. If you need to talk feel free to PM me. Hugs Janelle

[Trisha65]

The decision to transition is a big decision and it is a hard one to make. Only you know what is best for you and please remember that you will always have lots of support from your friends on this site.