Gender Dysphoria hiatus?

[Darla]

Hi All.

I have a quick question; after a two week stint on vacationing realized that some of my gender issues were lessened to some degree by the sheer delight of relaxing, having a great time with my family etc. now that I'm back they're ever present and I pine for the real me as I do most days.

Where is it written that these issues have to be omnipresent? Have some of you ever had life carry away your troubles and anxieties including this rather persistent notion that you might not be the right gender?

Oh - and I had a great vacation, thanks for asking.

Darla

[I Am Paula]

I fought GD for years. That doesn't mean it was with me every waking moment. I could push it aside for weeks at a time, but I always knew it would rear it's ugly head when I least wanted it.

[LeaP]

Current focus or attention versus presence are two different things. Anyone can be distracted for a while. Even dying people can laugh.

I have an undercurrent of GD – driven thinking that never goes away. Sometimes it drowns everything out and sometimes it's just a quiet background monologue. But it never goes away.

Gender is the earth beneath your feet and GD is the cell phone in your hand on which you can't stop texting. You don't have to watch where you're walking all the time, but if you don't, sooner or later you're going to trip - if not get hit by a bus.

[robindee36]

Darla, I love being a girl. Never ascribed a psychological descriptor to it. Just a girl who likes to have fun.

Is it there every waking moment? Not sure but I do not live 24/7, so perhaps there is a rhythm, but I don't dance.

Hugs, Robin

[Angela Campbell]

I wasn't miserable every day, but I really cannot remember a single day of my life I wasn't aware that I am supposed to be different. Yes sometimes I had good times but it was there every day in some way. Sometimes stronger than others but always there. I could have been on a really great vacation and all was wonderful, except for the moment when in the morning I looked in the mirror, and thought about it for even one second, then moved on to the events of the day.

[dreamer_2.0]

GD has always been present but the severity occasionally subsided only to come back again. Lately though it's come back with a helluva vengeance and never leaves my thoughts. Only peace is during sleep or getting stoned. Can't really do either of those all day though.

[bethdj]

My gender dysphoria is always present but, there are times when it is strong and other times not so much. Lately though it seems to be stronger and that is why I am seeing a therapist about my gender issues.

[bas1985]

Oh - and I had a great vacation, thanks for asking.

Darla

I had quite "big" moments, too. Graduation, for example, being father, personal accomplishments. I would not throw away all my past life... I thought I was shy, but it was not shyness. I thought I was sensitive, but THAT is not being sensitive. In my relation to other males I always had this sense of being OTHER, like I did not understand their language...

... it was like being a FTM who tried hard to be male, who tried to live in stealth, but was always clocked.

In a certain sense I did not "pass" as male, not mentally, physically, maybe, but mentally no. Other males tolerated me, treated me like the special friend, maybe a bit "strange", a lighter version of a "rain man" always in his world. But it was only the impossibility to fully adhere to their male model, to the idea of "MAN", which was wired in their brains.

Not in mine.

[Aprilrain]

I wouldn't have made it to 34 if I were not able to be distracted from the omnipresence of gender dysphoria. Also in my experience it was more of a dull background ache that sorts just got worse and worse over the years until I imploded then almost overnight transition became an imperative.

[Nigella]

GD is always with you, the severity is very much dependent upon your own circumstances. I never considered that I had GD because it was kept under control by actions that I took to calm myself. It was not until I had been officially diagnosed with GD that it was made clear that I had suffered from this "ailment" all my life. It was not until I could no longer control the rising emotions and feelings of despair that I sought medical intervention to get myself on the right track to control the GD.

[LaurenB]

I just had major surgery. At home recovering with family, visiting nurses and physical therapists in and out every day. I guess I just have other more important things on my mind, and I guess you did too. But I was just pondering that my GD is quite low the past few weeks. Not that I don't think about it everyday. I'm guessing it'll come back with a vengeance when I recover and for you when you settle back into your everyday routine.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

As I struggled with gender dysphoria, when I vacationed with my family things got worse and worse...

I took all enjoyment as false and temporary
..I felt bad for everyone (including myself)
Of course there were moments where things were ok...lea's analogy is excellent...I did laugh ...but any reflection about resulted is "that feeling"..

Our last two vacations were torture for me, and I cried and cried (especially the last one)

[Leanne2]

My dysphoria rears up at weddings. There is sit, wearing a man's suit, longing to be dolled up like the women there. I put on a brave face but I'm dying inside. Can't everyone see that I am a woman forced to look like a man? No they can't. And I wonder how many of the men there are actually women like me. So sad. Leanne

[Anne Elizabeth]

Basically all I can say is that I would mirror everything that has been said. I myself am currently suffering a severe time of GD. It is a crazy driving force that will eventually drive me to peace and a new life as a woman. I myself have had it run in cycles and usually there are busy times in which I am not bothered. However, I also have to say that never has a day gone by that I did not think I should have been a female. NEVER!

[DebbieL]

Sure, it's possible to be distracted. Many of us hope against hope that the GD will go away when we start having sex, when we move in with a woman, or when we get married, or when we have children. These events, and similar happy times can give us a short reprieve, but it usually only lasts a couple weeks.

I've had GD since I was 5. When I was 12 and started puberty, I was suicidal, especially when I realized I was 6 foot tall, and had a deep bass singing voice. I kept my speaking voice higher, but it didn't help much. I was also growing hair on my legs and arms, but not on my back and chest (thank God). Still, I found myself hating my body because I was afraid that it was too late to change it.

The problem was that every time I tried to bring up the GD, with my parents, with psychologists, with therapists, and even with marriage counselors, I got shut down immediately. It was simply "We can't talk about that - ever". It wasn't until 1988 that I met a couples counselor who know enough about GD and Transsexuality to realize that I was transsexual. I'd kept the suicidal urges at bay by staying clean and sober and working 12 step programs, but every single day I would see a woman in a pretty outfit, or wearing pretty accessories, and think "If Only I could have gotten help, way back when".

I tried to be satisfied with being a cross-dresser, but it wasn't what I really wanted. It was more than just the clothes, it was the social networks, the interactions, being able to giggle or cry, being able to talk about hair, fashion, cooking, raising children, and other "girl talk". Often, my first wife would be in the living room with the boys talking about hunting, fishing, and sports, while I was in the kitchen trading recipes, child care hints, and talking about various charities and social causes.

When I hit 56 and realized that I would never be a beautiful young lady, I mixed up a "prestone cocktail" (radiator fluid and gatorade) and was about to chug it when that little voice of sanity screamed out to get help. I got back into gender counseling and have accepted that even though I can't be a fashion model or beauty queen, I could still be a pretty grandmother.

Even with all the changes, part of me is terrified that someone will drop the other shoe and I'll have to stop transition again. I started transition the first time when I was in my 30s, and had to stop when my ex-wife threatened to have my child visitation rights revoked. Another time, I was offered a promotion, but I had to quit making public appearances and abort transition. Had I known what I know today, I would have called the bluffs and stayed in transition.

There are so many things that are only accessible from Debbie. Honesty, Integrity, compassion, and even accepting a compliment.

Are there days when I'm not so obsessed? Yes, but even on those days, there are those moments of wondering, hope, and despair.

Are there days when I want to just say "chuck it all" and stay in boy mode? Yes, but it's usually joined by feeling suicidal.

Today, I'm grateful that I am transitioning, and I've started getting a LOT of Real Life Experience.

At least today, I have hope, and I'm taking actions toward being the woman I've wanted to be for 50+ years.

[Debglam]

I have an undercurrent of GD – driven thinking that never goes away. Sometimes it drowns everything out and sometimes it's just a quiet background monologue. But it never goes away.

I agree. I have a touch of tinnitus (ringing in the ears) from my military service and it is analogous. Sometimes I don't even notice it, sometimes its enough to drive me mad, but it is always there. I'll add that like tinnitus, I think that there are different levels of GID and that there are a range of "treatments" for it hence the range of trans* expression.

[LeaP]

... I have a touch of tinnitus (ringing in the ears) from my military service and it is analogous. ...

I do also, except that it's a lot more than a touch. Hereditary loss, in my case. You're right, it's an excellent analogy.

[Darla]

That's a pretty good way to describe it - not having tinnitus myself. It is everpresent, even if it is a little predictable when it flares up. Vacation - not so much. Deadlines and work stress - much worse. That's not to say I didn't notice women on the beach (probably not for the reasons they might have thought) wearing a cute coverup, or maybe how hard it is to see a bikini and know such a sense of "I'll never have a body like that"

But all you girls verified that although I might be crazy, I'm at least normal crazy. And that chirping sound in my adolescence through the cicada buzz of my 20'a and 30's is getting to be that scary alarm sound.

I originally posted in the CD section and got some other answers, but I think you all answered my question pretty succinctly. Time to discuss with my therapist.

Darla

[jillleanne]

Current focus or attention versus presence are two different things. Anyone can be distracted for a while. Even dying people can laugh.

I have an undercurrent of GD – driven thinking that never goes away. Sometimes it drowns everything out and sometimes it's just a quiet background monologue. But it never goes away.

Gender is the earth beneath your feet and GD is the cell phone in your hand on which you can't stop texting. You don't have to watch where you're walking all the time, but if you don't, sooner or later you're going to trip - if not get hit by a bus.

So true and accurate. I'm sitting here now in a pair of guy shorts wondering why I'm not wearing panties. I mentioned to my s/o just the other day; there is never a moment in life in any given day, that I can say I am not actually thinking about something feminine somewhere in the back of my mind. It's like I have two minds working in harmony, one superimposed over the other and constantly switching at will depending which thought is more important at that exact moment.

[Angela Campbell]

Jillleanne, what you are describing is not gender dysphoria.

[TeresaL]

My GD increases when a threat, hurdle, or hoop becomes present to block my journey to rid male characteristics. Tensions exacerbate if it creates greater incongruence between female mind and male body. The longer it is prolonged, the worse I feel.

I also have tinninitus, which I think is service related.

[jillleanne]

yep, just one moment in the mind of sadness.

[Sephina]

Glad to see it isnt just me who has been wondering this, most days my GD is hardcore and is at the foreground and sometimes very rarely its is barely a peep, i was also worried about what this meant, but i see that it isnt uncommon at all