So I recently came across this forum earlier this morning and after reading a number of posts, I could see how open and accepting everyone is; thus giving me enough courage to at least open up for some thoughts and guidance.
To start off I really realized my feminine side because when I was young me sister would force me to dress up, and when I say force she said she would beat me up D: ( we were like 4 and 5, myself being younger. Nothings more horrifying then a angry older sister.) I would always fight it but when doing so I also had tons of fun, it was different and felt exiting. From then on I would cross-dress on my own (Always on my own) with the doors locked and while no one was home, normally using my sisters clothing. This continued through my teen years, but now as a young adult ( 19, turning 20 soon.) for a while I shut down that side of me but now it’s coming back, It’s not that I hate that side of me, it’s the fact that I want more then to just be a cross dresser. I’ve always felt more in place with my feminine side I guess.
What I would really like to do is actually become a girl honestly but, I’m scared. I go to college full time and have a job I absolutely love…what would become of my job if I decide I really am committing to becoming a girl. Maybe it’s just a fear of confidence, everyone I work with are the nicest group of people I’ve ever known in a workplace. College is a Meh; because I honestly know NO ONE, seeing as I just moved to northern California from where I lived before, only person I know really is my roommate and some people I talk to online. I’m very close to my father mostly, I don’t think he knows I used to cross dress in the house (though I think he might ._.) but I’m unsure how he would act about the situation, it’s not that he was a bad person or anything I absolutely look up to him as a role model so it would be devastating for him to think any different of me. I feel like I have a somewhat clean slate because I don’t have friends to worry about judging me but none the less work and family worry me.
Sorry to turn this into a long rant but I've actually never spoke about this once at all, and still got more. While Cross-dressing is fun, what I really want is to become a girl, like I mentioned before. No wigs, stuffing and so on; I love my own hair (despite when I clean it is super thin and it drives me insane!) my perfect look I guess would be a pixie cut since my hairs long enough to do that (and tomboys drive me insane because they’re so hot!) Which is why I constantly find myself comparing to tomboys on my feminine side but yet casual. Along with the fact that I’ve been a literate role player for …jeesh has it been over 9 years? But on that note the reason I bring it up is I always make my characters female, which is how I express my feminine side most :x. OK enough rambling now. I really could use advice or something, I’m not sure what to do, another concern is that if I wait too long I’m going to destroy my youth years over this issue and never actually become who i honestly think I want to be. I've heard many people mention hormones and counseling but, won’t that cost a lot of money also?
If you at least read this or didn't, it means a lot! Just the act of getting this off my chest is a relief at the moment!~
Nelliel \^-^/
