Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 26 to 50 of 58

Thread: Is it really so hard to believe that the "Big Reveal" can end a relationship ?

  1. #26
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    1,944
    I got lucky one could say. From the moment she heard I am tg, she accepted it as a part of me, albeit, with some hesitation and smiles along the way. Shortly after discoverfy, she was assisting in making me look more presentable and not so flamboyant. Today, it's just a blending in that I look to achieve. Her first question to me was, and is for many others, " Are you gay?". That was her single most fear. After clearing that up, she was totally accepting and supportive.
    It comes as no surprise to me why marriages fail as a direct result of discovery. Women entered into a relationship with men, not men sometimes, and anything to the contrary is perceived to upset their genetic role as child bearers or more accurately, that male does not become as attractive to the female as a strong donor of sperm for child bearing. Instinctively,. a women seeks the best possible mate for child bearing, and a tg person does not fill that picture out very well unfortunately. Then of course, she imagines going out with the children in arm, and the spouse in heels and a cheap wig and well, just keep imagining, using television as a guideline just like she does, or worse yet, crimes posted across the media forum.

  2. #27
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Tampa
    Posts
    2,276
    Hard to believe? NO, of course not for the members here living in the RW. But of course in any group of folks, there will be some who are quite happy with their heads in the sand and a finger in each ear who are more than happy to tell others what works and what doesn't.

    The only word for this behavior that comes to mind is denial.

  3. #28
    Life is for having fun. suzy1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Hampshire, U.K.
    Posts
    5,100
    Quote Originally Posted by Jenniferathome View Post
    I do not believe that the "reveal" can end a relationship. There has to be more to it. Any relationship with a solid foundation can survive a "reveal." What ends relationships is all the subtext of hiding, lying, etc. Blaming the end of a relationship on coming out as a cross dresser, alone, is a cop out.
    With the greatest of respect to you Jennifer I could not agree less!
    I am mystified by how difficult some members find it to appreciate what it must be like for a wife to find out their husband likes to wear panties and a dress.
    Do we get so involved in our own little world of C.D.ing that sometimes we loose sight of the bigger picture?

  4. #29
    Silver Member Tina B.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    North Coast of California
    Posts
    4,230
    No one has mentioned the one thing that ends marriages faster than all others, it's the icky factor, many people including many women find what we do icky, it's that simple, A man that will give up his status in a male dominated society, to pretend to be the "weaker half" of the gender equation is neither a women, or a "real man" in the eyes of the world. And that is seen as icky, strange, weird, freaky, or what ever else you can think of that is negative, so why wouldn't some women run away as fast as they can.
    We are what we are, but really we can't expect every one to be OK with it. Check out how some religions feel about it, and even the ones that are becoming more enlightened will spend a lot of time getting there congregations to change their minds.
    For us that have been lucky, and found a women that is accepting it's easy to say It's just clothes, that can't end a marriage, but I've read enough on here to know, everyone has problems in live, even with out the clothing, so why couldn't the clothes be the straw that broke the camels back? Personally, I've hit what seems very normal around here, one marriage rejected because of it, and one that it was no big deal, it can go either way!
    Magic is the art of changing consciousness at will.

  5. #30
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Area 51
    Posts
    3,987
    "Disclosure is a personal choice." as already posted here is right on. You seriously are not doing your SO a favor by cleaning up your own backyard and dumping the trash in hers. I think if you are considering the big reveal consider this. Your SO wants you to sit down because she has something to tell you that she just can't keep hidden anymore. It all started innocently enough. Twenty dollars here and there in the slot machine at the grocery store. A couple of hundred at the craps table after lunch with the girls. $10,000 from the emergency fund on red.
    "You know, we can arrange an equity loan at the casino credit office so you can win your money back, ma'am."
    "Oh, well I wondered where you were all day."
    "Don't worry Honey, we'll get through this together"
    "What do you mean, we?"


    My point is that there isn't a good time for full disclosure. It's kind of like when is a good time to pull the arrow out of your heart.

    There is no such thing as un-fart.
    Last edited by CarlaWestin; 09-01-2013 at 10:23 AM.
    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

  6. #31
    Member Druscilla Supernovae's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Location
    Austin, TX.
    Posts
    159
    It depends in the partner. She can be the most open minded person and accept it or she can be a tight wad and be like "heck no". Me being single I'm enjoying every moment of it.

  7. #32
    Senior Member Debglam's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Northern California
    Posts
    1,821
    It can or it can't. It can be the "last straw" or it can be the only straw. It can be no big deal. Every individual in a relationship is different and every relationship is different. I will put one thing back on the revealer - you have to realize that no matter how good or how bad the relationship is, "the reveal" IS a major shifting of the gears! Post-reveal actions need to take this into consideration. Even the most accepting partner is going to need some time to digest this change.
    Debby

  8. #33
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Area 51
    Posts
    3,987
    Oh wait, I forgot to answer the question.

    Is it really so hard to believe that the "Big Reveal" can end a relationship ?

    NO, if you're honest with yourself.

    I think people fool themselves into thinking that it might just be OK to reveal and then carry on like nothings happened and the relationship will survive. Come on, the accepting SO exists mainly in the clandestine CDer's head or in someone elses post you read.
    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

  9. #34
    Senior Member michelleddg's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    1,418
    What Kim said. So easy to imagine the response being "You're a what???? Ugh, that is so creepy, the visuals make me physically ill. Ain't no way I'm spending my life married to a crossdresser." Hugs, Michelle

  10. #35
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Lowestoft UK. Beverley was here.
    Posts
    30,355
    Dependinh on how and how quickly you do it it can be "poof" all gone or last forever.
    All situations are different.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  11. #36
    Blondes Have More Fun Jennifer Kelly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    SoCal
    Posts
    365
    I've recently started seeing someone. I wouldn't call her my girlfriend yet but it definitely seems to be heading that way. I'm pretty sure just by some things she has said (most recently her reaction to a guy wearing a Utilikilt who walked by us in the mall, she thought it was a regular skirt from a distance and scrunched up her face and said "is that guy wearing a skirt?", my eyes are better than hers and I informed her it was a kilt and she chilled out a bit) that she won't take kindly to my dressing, but I also don't want to be keeping a secret so I will have to tell her eventually if things progress. I have lots of fun with her so I hope I can reach a point where I feel comfortable telling her, even if the best I can hope for is DADT. But the possibility of her bolting is definitely there.

  12. #37
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    6,337
    I wanted to add two important clarifications.

    1) I took the OP to mean revealing to a wife or SO of some long standing type. Clearly if a relationship is just starting, the woman has no vested interest in you and can easily bail out. That is not to say she can't handle it but rather it may appear to be too much effort.

    2) in my original response I did not imply that a spouse would be "accepting." A strong relationship can still mean that the wife hates the cross dressing. Although my wife is very accepting, I know she would prefer I was not a cross dresser. It is abundantly clear, based on those here, that cross dressing, alone, does not cause a breakup.

  13. #38
    Addicted To Lipstick donnatracey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    South Central Texas
    Posts
    1,590
    Like Nicole and Suzi I could not agree less with that statement. Many cases on this site where that is exactly what happened. Wow.....
    Last edited by Sandra; 09-02-2013 at 03:59 AM. Reason: No need to quote the post directly above. Please read the rules on quoting posts

  14. #39
    Member AllyCDTV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    Suburban Chicago, Illinois
    Posts
    412
    Sometimes what is believed and what is reality are two different things. Here is a link to an interview done at the 2010 Be-All conference with Sara Fenwick then president of Chi Chapter, (formerly of Tri-Ess) Fast Forward to the 6:02 mark. It says it all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgRnMJpnDcI
    "We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think." - The Buddha

  15. #40
    Member SophieKitty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    United Kingland of England
    Posts
    169
    Just noticed this thread. Of course a reveal can end a relationship. You have to accept your partner either is bigoted, or what's more than likely that they'll see it as a betrayal of trust. Sure it can end a relationship, but it can also cement it!

    I know it means lying (so sue me) but to soften the blow, either ask them what they think if you started wearing womens clothing (to judge the mood) then get serious. Or just say that you've only just started doing it and you want them to help you experiment to "find yourself" and you think psychologically you'd like her to help you find yourself (even though you probably already have) a month later you can tell her you've decided, and by then she'd have time to adjust to things slowly.
    Be whoever you want to be. Screw what others think. It's their loss....

  16. #41
    GG
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    176
    Quote Originally Posted by SophieKitty View Post
    Just noticed this thread. Of course a reveal can end a relationship. You have to accept your partner either is bigoted, or what's more than likely that they'll see it as a betrayal of trust.
    Wow, it's that black and white? Trust or bigoted? Well, as one of the "bigoted" (I actually understood why someone would lie about CDing but this DIDN'T make it any easier) I can tell you from a GG POV that discovering your life partner, your MAN, the person you shared everything with, is NOT everything he said he was and in fact likes to be SOMEONE ELSE is not small fry. It's traumatic, heartbreaking and I can say from experience that when this reality is revealed, you're not sitting there giving a flying fart about LGBT rights - you want to KILL him! Or leave. Or kill him then leave...and before that you want him to take it all back and say it's not true and make it all okay again. So thanks for understanding how it is for us.

    And to the OP, of course the big reveal can end a relationship. It can also end a person's trust and sanity and despite what everyone thinks of GGs tolerance or whatever, CD should NEVER be taken lightly when revealed. To those of us not in the know, it's like Armageddon.

  17. #42
    Member SophieKitty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    United Kingland of England
    Posts
    169
    I apologise for being insensitive
    Be whoever you want to be. Screw what others think. It's their loss....

  18. #43
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    3,913
    Quote Originally Posted by Kelly DeWinter View Post
    Is it really so hard to believe that the "Big Reveal" can end a relationship ?
    Showing my wife my true self, en femme, greatly accelerated the end of our marriage. (We are separated now. Divorce will happen in a couple of months, I think.) TELLING her I was having gender issues more or less shot our marriage in the guts. Actually showing her myself dressed as a female more or less ran a semi-truck over it. I was gone two months later, at her request.

    BTW, I showed her my true self at her request. I thought it was a horrible idea personally, and I was right. But she insisted, I complied, hoping for the best, and getting the worst.

    So no, this doesn't surprise me at all.

    P.S. To those who say "wow, your marriage must not have been very strong then!" all I can say to you is "go screw yourself sideways."

    P.P.S. My wife isn't bigoted. If I were just a friend of hers - she'd be totally cool with me being trans, and would probably shop with me sometimes. It's different when it's your spouse. She didn't marry a woman, and the idea of it was not one she could tolerate. Sucks, but that's how it goes sometimes. Some women handle this with greater equanimity than others. It is really just that simple.

  19. #44
    GG
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    176
    Quote Originally Posted by PaulaQ View Post
    P.P.S. My wife isn't bigoted. If I were just a friend of hers - she'd be totally cool with me being trans, and would probably shop with me sometimes. It's different when it's your spouse. She didn't marry a woman....
    Paula, I'm like your wife in this regard - I will be at the front of the picket line! I'll also comment on the 'femme' presentation she insisted on seeing. I have many online CD wife friends and I know at least three whose therapist insisted they encourage the H to dress as much and as far as desired to see how far they would take it. It was a sort of reveal in itself but in my mind not the fairest or most ethical. None of these marriages survived as all three men took things too far. Funny, but two of the three actually said after their divorce that they didn't even WANT to dress as far as they went but felt obliged, so in my mind this isn't a good method.

    Sophiekitty, thanks That wasn't directed entirely at you anyway. I've read too many comments on GG's just needing to accept. It makes me sad and sick as it's unfair in a hundred ways. So thanks for the apology.
    Last edited by TheMissus; 09-02-2013 at 03:31 AM.

  20. #45
    Member SophieKitty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    United Kingland of England
    Posts
    169
    Quote Originally Posted by TheMissus View Post
    Sophiekitty, thanks That wasn't directed entirely at you anyway. I've read too many comments on GG's just needing to lighten up and accept to mention. It makes me sad and sick as it's unfair in a hundred ways. So thanks for the apology.
    I'm just sorry that I was so bull-headed, I could blame the tiredness, but sometimes I can just be a bloody idiot *hugs*
    Be whoever you want to be. Screw what others think. It's their loss....

  21. #46
    GG
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    176
    Hugs back. I think anyone who can apologise is definitely NOT an idiot.
    Last edited by DAVIDA; 09-02-2013 at 04:20 AM. Reason: There is no need to quote the post right before yours

  22. #47
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    5,902
    Kelly, I think if the MTF members think back they might get a clearer picture of why an SO might not ever accept this. Do you (MTF's) remember how you felt when you discovered you were different from the other guys? Did you feel like a freak? Did you wonder about your sexuality because of it? did you ever get outed by accident? Do you remember the reactions?

    Only in recent years has the thinking changed where therapists will tell you that you are okay and dressing is harmless. Also remember how mainstream media portrays us. It's slowly changing but most GG's have never met or had to deal with us. This can be a big shock and it's perfectly normal for red flags to go up. Even a perfect relationship can be ended by the GG after the reveal.

    I know members are hurt and angry when an SO cannot accept but it does happen. Some women cannot and will not accept us. I don't see it as their fault as nobody prepared them for this. That is reality.

  23. #48
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    The Poconos PA
    Posts
    18,972
    Not for myself, since that is what effectively ended my marriage.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  24. #49
    Member AllyCDTV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    Suburban Chicago, Illinois
    Posts
    412
    Quote Originally Posted by TheMissus View Post
    I can tell you from a GG POV that discovering your life partner, your MAN, the person you shared everything with, is NOT everything he said he was and in fact likes to be SOMEONE ELSE is not small fry. It's traumatic, heartbreaking and I can say from experience that when this reality is revealed, you're not sitting there giving a flying fart about LGBT rights - you want to KILL him! Or leave. Or kill him then leave...and before that you want him to take it all back and say it's not true and make it all okay again. So thanks for understanding how it is for us.

    And to the OP, of course the big reveal can end a relationship. It can also end a person's trust and sanity and despite what everyone thinks of GGs tolerance or whatever, CD should NEVER be taken lightly when revealed. To those of us not in the know, it's like Armageddon.
    Well said. I would think that for most of us, our wives did not marry us because they wanted a lesbian partner. Many of us sit here and gripe that our wives won't accept us and why should they? A female wannabe was not part of the deal. And as far as dumping this reality on our SO, to what purpose does it serve? Might make a crossdresser feel better because they no longer have to hide it but I can see how it is devastating to the SO. So is it really that tough to understand how this could cause a divorce?

    As I see it if a crossdresser wants to avoid a divorce there are really only 2 courses of action. Hide it so that the SO never finds out or quit the behavior, if you can. I have successfully hid it for over 5 years now but I know that luck has a way of running out. Two months ago I decided to stop the behavior. So far so good. I won't lie, it isn't easy but it also isn't the hardest thing I've done in my life either. Will I stay away from crossdressing forever? Time will tell. If I do fall off the wagon, I will get right back up on it again. This will not defeat me. And if you are wondering why I still visit this site, it is because of threads like this that serve to reinforce my resolve.
    Last edited by AllyCDTV; 09-02-2013 at 01:30 PM.
    "We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think." - The Buddha

  25. #50
    GG / SO to a CD MatildaJ.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    SF Bay Area
    Posts
    879
    Quote Originally Posted by Marleena View Post
    Some women cannot and will not accept us.
    I agree with you, but just wanted to say a wife can "accept" that the guy she married is a cross-dresser, or is really a woman, without wanting to stay married to that person.

    To the person who cross-dresses or wants to transition, it feels like they are the same person inside that they always have been. But they need to accept that they have presented a different persona to the world. And the persona is all that other people have access to. Couples may feel like "soulmates," but it's really just an illusion, where each person feels connected to the persona of the other person. Once the "big reveal" happens, and one tells one's SO that the persona was a fake persona, then it's not surprising that the feeling of being "soulmates" goes away.

    People can rebuild relationships after "the big reveal" just as they can rebuild after an affair, but not if the revealer thinks the SO should feel just as connected to the new persona as they did to the old persona. That takes time and patience.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State