I'm so confused...

[Stephanie Voorhees]

I was having a conversation with my wife last night and it got me thinking... What exactly am I? I like all of the typical masculine things... football, NASCAR, grilling, you get the idea. I am heterosexual. I don't even remotely look feminine. I wear a full goatee with mustache, stand 6 feet tall, weigh about 375 lbs (don't get me started on how hard it is to find women's clothes that fit properly), and have a voice like James Earl Jones. I just happen to like women's clothes better than men's clothes. I find them to be more comfortable. When I dress, I'm not trying to look female, I just want to wear the clothes. My wife and I came up with the name "Heather" for me when I'm dressed, and I'm fine with it, but I just don't relate to the whole feminine thing. That all being said, every once in a while, I do sometimes wish I was a woman, but only because I could wear what I want without risk of ridicule. What does that make me? Also, while I'm confused about that, something else bugs me. My wife knows and supports my clothing choices, but yet I still feel the need to hide aspects of it, like joining this website. Why is that? I don't know. I'm not sure if I fully described how I feel because I'm not used to talking about this part of my life. My wife is the only one who has ever known about it, and there's no one else in my life that I would want knowing. *sigh*

[Jolene Robertson]

Hi Heather,

Sounds like a lot of us on here. If you ever got the whole thing figured out then let us know PLEASE! I have been out to my wife a couple of years now and still feel like hiding it sometimes, I guess it is still some shame or something.

Hugs
Jolene

[Zylia]

Well, it obviously makes you a cross-dresser As you might have read here or elsewhere, many cross-dressing individuals are heterosexual men, who feel like men and 'naturally' do things associated with the male gender, except when they wear women's clothes and/or they present themselves as a 'woman'. As to why some men do that, some think it's fun, some feel good while doing it, for some (actually a lot) there's a sexual aspect to it.

Anyway, welcome to the forum! You're not alone.

[Christina Kay]

Welcome Heather I can so relate. You will find so much good advice here. The 2 previous posts are an indication, of the caring, and thoughtful sharing of information. Don't ever feel alone, cause you 'll never feel alone here. Welcome to the forum.

[Jodie_Lynn]

You know what it makes you?

A human being, full of hopes and dreams, quirks and foibles, aspirations and fears, likes and dislikes, emotions and rationalizations. A multifaceted jewel of beauty in a glittering tapestry we call "Life".

[Marcelle]

Hi Heather,

I am very new here and while I can offer some insight, I may not have the sage advice of some of the other girls here. But here is my two cents.

Like you I am very masculine in all things I do outside my femme time. I work in a very Alpha Male dominated community within the military. While not a big man, I am very athletic and my build is very masculine. I don't sport a moustache anymore but if I wanted a beard, I could have one in about a week's time. Now picture that in a light blue sundress, sandals, wig, make-up and pink painted toes . . . get the picture.

To me you sound like a normal cross dresser and like many others, you feel satisfied when dressed in women's clothing. I am the same but also like make-up. It is how I express the femme side of me (which is very girly). Don't get too hung up on the fact that sometimes you wish you were a women so you could wear what you want. I suspect in a way we have all thought that even though some of us have no desire to transition that far. You are exploring a very feminine side of your psyche and it would be very normal to have those feelings as you explore this new sense of self.

What is wonderful is that you have a loving and supportive wife. Tell her you love her everyday and do something nice. Remember, you are not the only person in this equation. She is taking this journey with you and needs your support as much as you need hers.

Confused . . . Welcome to the club. I think we are all confused and it is to be expected. I get from your post that you are a manly man and I would suspect you were brought up that way (boys rough and tumble / girls sugar and spice). That is how you have and most likely still do identify yourself as. A sudden loss/change/altering/questioning of one's identity is very stressful and confusing. Our identity defines us and our place in the world. The interesting thing about identity is that we all have several . . . there is the male identity, the work identity, the social identity and so on . . . you are exploring a feminine identity through clothing. This is as normal as someone exploring a new side of his/her social identity . . . the key is to integrate and create harmony. Confusion is most likely stemming from a reticence to integrate/embrace that part of you into your total identity . . . believe me I am right there with you.

Guilt . . . Dear that is normal and unfortunately part of the human condition. We all feel guilt about a lot of things. Sometimes guilt is justified and is your psyche's way of giving you a morality check "I stole some money and I can't live with myself until I return it" and sometimes it is just your psyche's way of dealing with issues which call into question your identity beliefs "I like to wear women's clothes but I am dude and dudes don't do this it is wrong" (guilt). When it comes to my wife, I have tons of guilty feelings. Guilt that when I am dressed she will not see me as a man/lover. Guilt that she may think it is all about me and dressing girly. Guilt that I have challenged her perception of her own sexuality "What's wrong with me that my husband has to dress all girly". All this to say, guilt is a normal part of the process when exploring your sense of self.

Advice . . . take this for what it is worth as I am neophyte in these matters myself, but do spend a lot of time dealing with the human condition:

1. Communication in all things is key when you are exploring this side with your wife. No matter how innocuous you think it is talk about it. My wife and I have agreed to spend a little time each day to discuss Isha and how she is integrating into our lives. We have set boundaries on what my wife is willing to accept and not (yet). This will ensure no surprises down the road.

2. Take your time. In the same bane that communication is important, don't push or rush down the road. Give your wife time to adjust and ask questions. Don't push a topic if you read her as uncomfortable.

3. Explore and enjoy. Heather, completing one's identity is a beautiful journey. How you chose to explore that feminine side is totally up to you. For some of us it is total "en femme". However, I will say in my experience, as I integrate, I find that I have always been Isha and male me regardless of if I am pretty in pink or in combat fatigues with a three day growth.

Remember, you are never alone here. This is a great forum with a lot of supportive gals. Never be afraid to ask questions. The only stupid question is the one you don't ask.

Hugs

Isha

[noeleena]

Hi,

I dont know why men wont to wear womens clothes i dont even know much about men , well i thought i did yet when i think about it i know less now than i first thought,

Yes iv heard many storys of why all kinds of reasons yet what is it ,Now i have talked to & with a number of men who would be similar to you weight height & how you look like well ... men,

two i know & have spent time with just talking about why they feel like are well... like they are women i dont get it in both case's theres just nothing at all that would say not even one little detail nothing i mean really really nothing yet they dress up will never look like a woman ,

Does it really matter, i know of women & know women who dont look like women no matter what the clothes they wear, makeup would not do any thing , so again does it matter,

is the issue only about how we look if it were then many of our women would be classed as other than women ,

So what really is it about just the clothes we could all wear dresse's all the same colour just made to fit our body differences how would that go, well look at China & what they did, years ago. look at the armed forces so many men wont to loook like how women look yet do they, well i know some do look very passable, much better than i ever will.

i know a woman has writen she belives a male can stop dressing & its just a put on if one has or did start years ago then they can stop years after, my answer ill hold back on that for now one part is the stock answer of well they are just born this way,
I dought my answer will have any bearing though so more thinking ,

any way if you like getting into some nice clothes just enjoy it no matter the look i mean body wise, we can over think every thing we do to the point of going insane so why not have a good time with out going insane .

...noeleena...

[Lynn Marie]

Welcome to the forum and the fascinating world of crossdressing. You're in good company here. I'd venture to say that we're all pretty much like you more or less. A fortunate few of us have more feminine features and may pass quite well while most of the rest of us have to make do with what we've got and rarely pass. Many of us try to pass, many others don't bother, and a great many of us are quite happy living in a closet with a keyhole view and a killer wardrobe. Oh yeah, and we're not all completely truthful with our wives, SO's, children, and families.

[TheMissus]

Heather, you describe your height and moustache etc and as a GG I'm thinking " that's hot", lol, as are Isha's combat gear and stubble, yet really all either of you want are painted toe nails and a sundress!

If you're not as confused about all this as I am ( my H is masculine too) you don't need this forum!

[Wildaboutheels]

Just 3 things you need to know IMO.

1] EVERY single person here is unique. That in itself makes you one of the crowd.

2] You need not find a label for yourself. It's OK to want one but they are not mandatory.

3] There is no RIGHT or WRONG way to do any of this CDing stuff. The RIGHT way [for you] is what you and your wife can agree on.

BTW, just because you do not wish to share this part of you with friends, doesn't make it "wrong" in any way, shape or form. You may very well have friends that do it. My best guess is that for every CDer who wishes to share it, there are at least a hundred that don't.

[Tawne]

Women's clothes are superior in all aspects hands down, nothing more to say. You can get clothing in any material, shape or form.

[samanthasolo]

So confused, Huh! That seems like a thought or emotion we feel for so many other aspects of our lives regardless of dressing or not. Why you or I dress could be very similar, or for very different reasons. If you have an accepting spouse you should begin at some point to be accepting of yourself then you can throw away the" I'M CONFUSED" train of thought.

The real reality is that whether you are closeted or out, passable or not when anyone dresses there does not need to be an UNDERSTANDING of how, why, when. Understanding is usually that part of the equation that is never really solved. I is sometimes best to be left as the IT IS WHAT IT IS.

As far as the secretive aspect of things plays into the picture, well we all dress for whatever reasons but we also have knowledge that it is not something that is socially acceptable on a large scale and a lot of us keep a lot of it closeted and bottled up for fear of what someone else might think if they found out. No one needs to know unless you want it to be that way. Just as we learn certain ways of doing things as we grow and mature it does not become an easy task if we all of a sudden have to unlearn something we have been doing all along for a very long time.

So the secretive aspect over time can and will go away if you accept yourself, be honest with yourself and your accepting spouse or sgnificant other, and also keep an open line of communication with eachother about boundaries of where both of yu are today, and where both of you are going tomorrow

[MandyLee]

I found a good therapist a great help I would suggest finding a caring therapist a great help.

[jillleanne]

Well said Wild. That about sums it up. Just a note to add, no matter how you decide to express yourself by wearing female attire, there is nothing wrong with you because you do it. You, like everyone else in the world are unique in your own way and no one has the right to stop you.

[Karren H]

I remember being confused.... for decades..... then one day I decided that It is what it is and its not going away and I accepted that I had to wear womens clothing for what ever reason.... and I stopped trying to find answers to questions that no one head answers for..... and life got better and crossdressing became fun..... I also was a lot larger and I started on a campaign (an obsessive one) to loose weight and modify my body so that it fit the clothes I had to wear.......
Its up to you to take this to what ever level you want to.... personally I don't believe that you have to continue to grow and evolve into a woman.... nothing wrong with the stays quo if it makes you happy....

[Lexi_83]

I've been crossdressing since I was 9, before I knew what crossdressing or gender or sexual orientation even was. And never imagined I would buy and then purge all my feminine things several times.

No one has given me any particular reason why I do and others do not. Knowing that others are out there makes it less anxiety producing. The first time you get "read" it feels like the end of the world. About 10 seconds later you realize the world did not end.

So like you I would ove to know, but it just is.....

[Jaylyn]

Heather don't be confused just roll with the feelings. You and I are similar in that I love the feel of women's clothes but I am very manly also. My wife also knows and told me to just dress the way I want and has even helped me pick out and buy the clothes I want. She has helped me with my makeup. Sometimes I feel a little uncomfortable dressed around her as I am suppose to be the male leader of the family. She says my attitude has gotten better since I started dressing some. I see and am more understanding of others since I just came out to her. I just started accepting there is a male mode of me and a female mode of me. Sometimes, I let the modes cross over into each other examples are wearing painted toes, wearing panties and even hosiery. I just accepted this is what makes me feel good for some reason and in both modes I am the only one that can make me happy, so go for it. I really don't care about coming out to the world.... I came out to the one I love and spend my life with and most of all I lost the guilt part when I accepted my coming out to "Me". I just like wearing women's clothes and makeup and that is all there is to it. No big deal. So buck up and quit being confused and accept what ya like and makes ya happy. Life is too short to be confused. Welcome to the forum it is a great place and holds lots of information from some really great guys/ gals and even GG's, enjoy the time spent here and being your own person.

[NathalieX66]

Hi Heather,
it is not unusual for a guy to express a feminine side. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Maybe every now and then we like to go planet hopping. The worlds of male and female are very different, and we as humans just like the things we like. There is nothing wrong with that. What I feel is wrong is the status quo of gender, as if gender was really a binary (you're either male or female, no exceptions). I believe both teams are capable of enjoying both sides.

I never wanted a vagina that badly, nor have I never felt compelled to be in the arms of a guy.....that's just me. Don't know how, don't know why. But the truth is, I feel liberated.

[Julie Denier]

Confusion is stock in trade for us big, tall, fat, sports-watching, cigar-smoking dudes who like to wear dresses and heels

[DebbieL]

Heather,

It sounds to me like you are a transvestite or cross-dresser. This is the more masculine end of the transgender spectrum. If I offered you a magic potion that would turn you into a beautiful woman, 5'9", with a pretty voice, nice figure, be a perfect size 7, and have an otherwise nice body, face, voice, and personality, but once you drank it, you could never change back - would you drink it?

You could still watch NASCAR, football, and enjoy sex with women or men. You would not be able to fight. You wouldn't have upper body strength. You would have to take care of your hair, legs, and other aspects of being a woman. You could wear pants and sweatshirts when you wanted to, but you'd always fill it out like a woman. Would you drink the potion?

If the answer to that question was an unqualified yes, then you might be a transsexual in spirit, but a cross-dresser in practice. This is probably the hardest situation of all, because our bodies have betrayed us so badly. In my own case, when I considered transition back in 1988, I weighed over 275 lbs, had a beard and facial hair. When I began to explore the possibility of transition, I lost over 120 lbs, I also did exercises to form by body in a more feminine way. Talking was still a bit of a problem, but I could at least pitch it close to middle-C, which was "good enough". The key here was that transition was a strong motivator and was something I really wanted to do.

When I was forced to stop transition (or risk losing access to my children), I gained weight, growing to 320 lbs, grew a beard a few times, and eventually had a heart attack and a stroke. When I recovered, I started looking at transition as a way to get my health back. The surprising thing is that it WORKED. Again, it was a strong motivator and I fully recovered from the stroke, lost 85 lbs (235 lbs), and WAXED off my beard. I also started laser (Tria), and started seeing a gender counselor. I even started hormones.

When my wife tried to stop the transition, I became suicidal, started gaining weight (about 40 lbs), and work suffered. When we talked it over, addressed her concerns, and looked at how we could address them, I went back to gender counseling, got back on hormones, and have lost 20 lbs.

If the thought of spending the rest of your life trapped in your male body makes you think about drinking a quart of Antifreeze with a quart of Gatorade, then you're probably transsexual. If you are more than happy with your male body, but just like dressing up once in a while, then you are probably a cross-dresser. It sounds to me like you might even be gender-queer, wanting to be able to wear certain aspects of female presentation - clothes, hair, nails, & jewelry, but without having to try to present as a woman.

These are all different degrees of being transgender. There is nothing wrong or "better" or "worse" about any of them. Many transsexuals have tried to settle for being cross-dressers and have lived that way for years, but they have known they were just "settling". Others, have been cross-dressers and have dipped their toe into the water of transsexual and transition by dressing "Full Time" - on evenings and week-ends, and realized that they did NOT want to transition.

The most important thing for you (or any other readers), is to see where you are NOW, what you are comfortable with, and where you really want to go from here.

I'm a bit concerned about your weight. This may be the result of self-destructive behavior, and you may want to look at what's at the root of that. Your risk of heart attack and/or stroke is very high, and if your blood-work is also bad, you may also have other factors such as type 2 diabetes or thyroid issues. Some of us turn to drugs, booze, or food to "commit suicide on the installment plan". Take a good look at that. Many transsexuals, trapped in an excessively male body, will begin to see reincarnation as their only hope.

As for why you feel you need to keep it secret, that's easy. Even if you weren't persecuted as a "Sissy" in elementary school, you saw what happened to those who were labeled "Sissy". You also saw what happened to those who were labeled "Queer" or "Fairy" in middle school and early high school. Often, by later in high school, there were boys who were openly gay and "out" and were not getting prosecuted, but by then you realized that many of these boys were NOT effeminate, and were in fact, strong, muscular, and athletic. For some, the intimidation can span generations. The messages can come from parents, aunts, uncles, adults at church, and other authority figures.

Even though you may trust your wife to a certain point, there is always the fear that she might reject you. Many of us have lost wives, children, parents, jobs, and friends, because we told the wrong person about our cross-dressing. Sometimes we even get a sense of "boundaries", like "I can accept that you want to wear silky panties, but thank goodness you don't want to be a girl, because I couldn't handle that. Often, we try to spoon-feed our spouses and loved ones what we think they can handle. It can be a real struggle and genuine conflict because we feel that we have to choose between being who we really are and our wives, children, parents, friends, and jobs. As one who has lost EVERYTHING at least once, it's a struggle for me to be honest with my current wife. There were even points where I finally broke down and said "If you can't be Debbie's Wife, you might be Rex's Widow". Thank God I got help before I took the "final action", but I should never have let it reach that point in the first place.

Much of this can also be part of your culture. If you live in a city that is more tolerant, like San Francisco, New York, or South Beach Florida, there is lots of support for diversity of sexual preference and sexual identity. On the other hand, if you live in a small red-neck town in West VA or Texas, even the slightest deviations could become life-threatening situations. Sometimes, moving to a "college town" can give you a bit more freedom, but it's still pretty intimidating if you're living in the "Bible Belt" and getting lots of negative messages.

You might want to let your wife know about this website too. She probably has questions of her own, concerns and fears of her own. You may need to talk to others in these sites before talking to each other, but ultimately, you can explore your concerns together, work them out, and make sure that you are able to grow together.

[suchacutie]

Hi Heather! As you can see from the responses, you are remarkably normal! Many of us are heterosexual and have a very satisfying male part of our lives. Many would wish that they had the connection with their spouse as you do (I have the same spousal connection you do and I cherish it). There is a part of your brain that really clicks with certain feminine connections. My wife describes it as two applications running on the same database.

As Heather and your wife and your male self explore this adventure in understanding your to gendered selves you'll determine how it works for you in your situation and that's all that matters. Also, it will eventually become completely counterproductive to leave your wife out of any of it as she is clearly your supporter and Heather's as well. She sounds as curious about Heather as you are and that's terrific.

Keep it fun and enjoy your wife's closeness and council and love!

[Janelle_C]

Welcome Heather
Being confused is so normal for us gals. I like you have never talked to anyone other than my wife, until I started therapy. It was a hard thing for me to do but I can’t even began to tell you how much it has helped me. The word transgender describes a huge spectrum of people from those who dress once in awhile to those that feel they are in the wrong body and feel they need to transition. Knowing where you feel you are on that spectrum can be very helpful to some. But I also have to say you came to the right place, this is such a wonderful place with such caring and loving people. Hugs Janelle

[Tina B.]

Hi Heather, Welcome to the team. I'm similar to you, I'm a straight tall over weight male, NASCAR fan, no one knows about me but the wife, where we differ, I like to go the whole route, make up wig and pads, but it's all just for use at home.
I used to be confused too, took years to get over it, never did find the answers I wanted, but found if I did, it wouldn't change anything, so I stopped looking for answers, and learned to just enjoy my time in a dress.
Men are problem solvers, I think that's why so many of us spend so much time on the why, but when you learn to think more like a women, and just except what is as is, it gets to be a lot of fun.

[Stephanie Voorhees]

Heather,

If I offered you a magic potion that would turn you into a beautiful woman, 5'9", with a pretty voice, nice figure, be a perfect size 7, and have an otherwise nice body, face, voice, and personality, but once you drank it, you could never change back - would you drink it?

You could still watch NASCAR, football, and enjoy sex with women or men. You would not be able to fight. You wouldn't have upper body strength. You would have to take care of your hair, legs, and other aspects of being a woman. You could wear pants and sweatshirts when you wanted to, but you'd always fill it out like a woman. Would you drink the potion?

That's the million dollar question. Drinking the potion would certainly make many aspects of my life better, and not from just a clothing standpoint. If I'm being honest with myself, I would definitely say that there are things about being a man that I would miss. Are they worth the trade off? I don't know, but the fact that I do not know tells me that a permanent change isn't the way to go. Now if said potion was like a switch I could turn on and off... I'd make sure to keep my cupboards full. This is a crazy journey we're all on. Some of us reach our destinations while others never will. Maybe someday, I'll reach mine, even though I'm not entirely sure where it is.

[mariehart]

Yes you sound like the classic hetero crossdresser. Which is great because you seem to know exactly where you stand. When I first ventured out to meet other transvestites as we simply called ourselves back then. Most I met were just like you. Which puzzled me. It was if it was a men's club where they happened to dress up in women's clothes. Like a hobby. In my naivety I thought everyone would be like me. I was very confused about myself in those early days.

But the main thing is that they were enjoying themselves, dressing up, going out often with their accepting wives in tow. I always say that's the way it should be. Crossdressing is fun, enjoyable and as any woman will tell you, looking good wearing pretty clothes, nice hair and make up is always nice. Why is it that only women should be allowed to do this? We all have a feminine side which should be expressed.

So enjoy.