The age of transgenderius

[Tina_gm]

Ok, Hope you got the bug of one of my favorite songs, the age of Aquarius....

So what is it with the people my age? why do we lose our ability to conceal our feminine sides? Ok, maybe I didn't hide it ALL that well, I would hear occasional comments, you smoke like a girl, that was kinda girly yadda yadda yadda. But not often. Sometimes it would slip through the cracks. Boy did I try everything in my power to keep it buried though and did successfully for the most part.

So often I read about people who are or were my age and that is when the reveal happened. I was married for 20x years.... it wasn't until I was 40x that I came to accept this about myself.

I am no different than many. I sought out a gender therapist, had 1x1 sessions and a 2 with my wife. Interesting suggestions as to the why now ?? was that either it was time for my brain to begin healing itself from all of the years of scaring itself over this. Another was that by finding my current wife who has made me more confident in the male part of me, it was ok to let out the female part of me... hmmm. Very possible. I can buy that.

Or perhaps one theory I have floating through the gray matter is that there is simply so much energy one has to fight against part of oneself. It would appear on average that one has about 30 to 40 years worth of energy before it is spent, and then somehow we have nothing left in the tank to fight this part of ourselves.


One last theory... T levels. I haven't had mine checked. But, of the symptoms of a low T-level, I don't have any. As a dude/dudette my age, I have plenty of energy, my physical abilities and sex drive have not diminished as like in the commercials. So, it is unlikely that I have a lower T-level. But, perhaps at this age, and which is not uncommon, there is a hormonal change. Perhaps just more E not a lack of T??

Any thoughts on this from those who are or have been my age when this happened-

[abigailf]

Chemistry. There are three major times in a persons life when their hormones make a big changes; birth, adolescence and mid life. Which one are you?

[Tina_gm]

My wife questions the mid life.... wondering if my hormones are changing. Not that I haven't always felt how I have felt, just that I felt compelled to do something about it. It could be true. Like I said though, low T is likely not the reason. but there could be some hormonal changes that are taking place.

[Christina Kay]

Very nice post gendermutt. That is what iam ,Living. The cd has always been apart, but sorta of faded over the past 5-8 years. But just this year , the yearning came back with a passion. But it's different now, instead of sexual, it's now relaxing. Almost comforting,(like a warm embrace) noticing how the fairer sex moves , interacts,little moments of seeming pure joy, in the smile. As the t levels decline with age, could we become. A more balanced person. This is the dilemma we face, and trying to have a spouse understand. Could women post menopausal have a bit more t and less E,so there view might be different than years prior?We are at such a crossroad. Thank you gendermutt for you starting this thread.

[ReineD]

I think that in middle age, we all come into our own, we are more secure with ourselves. For men it may mean not feeling the need to fit along any male pecking order. And for women it may mean not caring whether or not we conform to the media's vision of the perfect woman. There are lots of other ways that we come into our own. By that time several pressures that take up a lot of time are eased, for example the pressure to build a career, to buy and establish a home, to raise young children. Generally during middle age there is more free time to begin to spend on ourselves and a growing realization that life is short.

It sounds as if you're not as preoccupied with keeping this a deep dark secret from yourself like you might have been. You've accepted yourself, so go out there and enjoy!


Edit - I see that you mention having feminine mannerisms. What mannerisms to you have exactly?

[Aly Cat]

It sounds like I am a lot like you. My wife has asked me before several times "why now". Why is it such a big deal that you can't go a single day without thinking about it? Why was it such a big part of adolescence then went away only to come back with a vengeance.
Honestly, I have no clue! It just feels right and it feels like a part of who I am inside. I'm at a point in my life now where I feel like I need to take hold of things and be who I have always been inside. It is a hard point to argue when you don't really have an answer to the big questions. There no road map and this isnt a science....though science has tried to figure it out. We are who we are. Uniquely and wonderfully made. Its tough to enjoy when those around you look down on you for it, but we have to try anyways.

[Tina_gm]

ReineiD, it is a process which I started back in december. but rubber meets to road, I have two teenage sons in a small town and by small I mean hundreds small- K thru 12 all in one building..... so everyone knows everyone. Yes, as for myself I am coming to accept... my wife is great too, coming to accept that I am a husband who is more than a cisgendered male. She struggles a lot but I respect her struggles. I struggled for 3 decades. From her background of strict christian upbringing by grandparents, that she hasn't left me says a whole lot about her, and me as I have kept her comfort level.
It is why I post what I post..... that our children come 1st before our desires, I have lived with this all my life have had most, my 1st real acknowledgment at 17 but now realizing it came sooner than that......

[vikki2020]

Very interesting take on the subject. I'm at a simular age, and, yes, the last two years have been full steam ahead! I've wondered about a homonal change, but, I believe Reine has it right--- after all the years, it's MY time now! I'm comfortable in my own skin, and really don't care who cares! Or, maybe, after years of "climbing", we have finally reached the top!

[Rachelakld]

I had; low T levels during my early 30s, an injection in my behind made it difficult to sit for 2 weeks. Looking back, I didn't dress much as I was trying to portray the Standard Image to help develop my career and pretend to be "normal".At 40, redundancy showed me my career was like yesterday's dinner so I decided to live more for me rather than my job.

[Beverley Sims]

Years ago I was prescribed Estrogen and then suddenly stopped.
Then I started growing a beard and other hair.
Should have kept the E going I think.

[mariehart]

My own view is that it's a combination of things. When you're young you can are probably overdosed with Testosterone. Later it drops to lower levels. But whatever your T levels if you are basically leaning on the feminine side that will always come out. Looking back now I really did often give out a feminine vibe that I was largely unaware of, going right back to high school. Even though I knew of my feminine side. I didn't really believe I was projecting it. At one point in my last year in school I was subject to some low level bullying by two guys who invariably referred to me as 'cutie'. While irritating I was oddly flattered. Clearly they saw it in me.

Again throughout my life as I did my best to hide the crossdressing and any feminine traits. But of course it was pointless and I was often subject to comments, often affectionate it must be said. Because I wasn't out. I suppose there was an ambiguity there so I didn't get any real nastiness. But a gay guy made a determined effort to woo me at one point and I missed all the signs completely. I thought he was just being nice. It was only when one of my female friends outright asked if I was gay did I even realise everyone thought I was.

As I got older I came to terms with it eventually and now I'm comfortable with myself. That is perhaps a product of age. Looking back I wish I had done more about it, dressed more, went out more, explored it more. Only this morning I fantasised about the time when I worked in an office. The girls I worked with got a uniform and I really wished I could have one too. I just imagined turning up for work dressed like them. It makes me smile to think of it now. But I never had the nerve back then.

I don't think I'm having any more difficulty hiding my feminine side because of age. I believe the difficulty is maintaining the masculine mask that I hid behind for most of my life. Really sometimes I think the real crossdressing is when I dress and act like a man! It's too much work for me anymore.

I just try to be myself.

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

Interesting thread Gendermutt, BTW, love the song.

Like most who have posted, I waited to late in life in to come clean to my wife of 24 years. Not to say I did not experiment with CD along this journey which is my life. I just kept it hidden (very hidden) and lived in fear of discovery along the way.

Not sure about the "why now" for me it was a complete and utter spiral into a black hole that I could not dig my way out of. My marriage was beginning to suffer, my ability to maintain focus at my job was disintegrating (not a good thing considering my job) and my ability to love myself had completely disappeared. This culminated in a complete an utter breakdown one night. So I just leaped in an told her.

Was it because of my age/T-levels/point in life that I could? Not sure. I do know that I wanted to tell her for years but could not bring myself to do so. This time it was different. It was almost like the first time I had to jump out of a plane (with a parachute that is), it is something I really wanted to do but was petrified all the same. I said to myself, you need to do this to complete you (jumping from the plane that is) if you don't do it now you will regret if for the rest of your life. So I did and if felt so right. I took the same approach here and you know what . . . It felt so right.

Isha and I are now integrating and I believe secretly we have always been together, I just chose to ignore her and concentrate on manly man things. Whether I am en femme (which is very girly - right down to the mannerisms) or in my male persona (very manly man), I am her and she is me, we are slowly becoming one and I could not be happier, calmer or more focused. I love being both, one and whole.

Hugs

Isha

[jillleanne]

Probably more of a release for me than anything. I came completely out only after I retired. At that point in my life, I had no reason to hide. There was nothing that could have a negative effect on my sustaining my lifestyle or my relationships.( my s/o knew 8 years earlier). I don't think my inner self changed any but my buying habits sure did. lol

[Tina_gm]

Edit - I see that you mention having feminine mannerisms. What mannerisms to you have exactly?

A lot of basic hand gestures, the way I sit, stand, walk (to a mild degree) I would say it is all a mild feminine degree when I am not thinking or trying to be any certain way. I have some masculine mannerisms as well.... and either is enhanced somewhat depending on how I am feeling or what I am doing. I am assuming that is typical among people who are TG. Sometimes I won't even know that I am doing it.... I will get a certain look from my wife, sometimes I can see it bothers her, other times she just smirks at it or playfully mocks me if she is not feeling bothered by it.

[Frédérique]

Or perhaps one theory I have floating through the gray matter is that there is simply so much energy one has to fight against part of oneself. It would appear on average that one has about 30 to 40 years worth of energy before it is spent, and then somehow we have nothing left in the tank to fight this part of ourselves.

Then how would you explain MY crossdressing emerging (and flourishing) before this alleged degradation of life energy is supposed to have taken place? I never fought off the idea of crossdressing, or the “feminine side,” or whatever you wish to call it, instead I just assumed that it was all part of ME, and therefore natural and worth exploring. Fighting with yourself is a complete waste of time, since you will always lose AND win…

I'm at a simular age, and, yes, the last two years have been full steam ahead! I've wondered about a homonal change, but, I believe (,) after all the years, it's MY time now! I'm comfortable in my own skin, and really don't care who cares! Or, maybe, after years of "climbing", we have finally reached the top!

The way I see it, there is only so much time left, so you have to consider how you wish to spend your remaining days. It’s the reverse of a “bucket list,” since no panic to achieve sets in, rather a beautiful exercise in centering. You’re correct in saying that there have been years of climbing – now I would just like to admire the view before the Sun goes down…