She knows now..........

[kelly0]

Hello all. This is my 1st post and my 1st time here. Wanted to come on here and tell some others like me about my experience and listen to any feedback -- from people that have been through it or anyone that has any good guidance.

I am 41, married, 2 children and have been crossdressing since I can remember. Been married for 13 years. I know I probably should have, but I did not tell my wife prior to our marriage. I kept it in the closet and she never found out until last Thursday night. Thats a whole other story that I'd be happy to tell, but for now, I just wanted to relay that she now knows and we are finding out if and how our marriage can survive this. I sure hope so, but I dont pretend to understand how she must feel.

Theres been a good amount of crying and communication so far. We talk every day about this and have a wide open line of communication on this -- which I think has been very helpful to both sides. I told her I want her to be able to ask me any questions and to talk to me about it whenever she wants to. I havent wanted to be something we just set aside in our heads and be a constant divider. Now, we are not even 1 week in, but we've been pretty good about talking to each other about it.

To be honest, as I sit here and write this, I have no idea whether the marriage will survive. Like I said, I sure hope so. I love her with all my heart and do NOT want to live without her and my children. I know it will take time though.

Tonight, we are seeing a therapist we have seen in the past (on other non-serious issues). We contacted her again and told her we'd like to come back in and discuss an issue (wait til she hears this one).

It feels really good to FINALLY tell someone else about this --- to tell her. I dont deny that. But in the few days since, I must say I am not sure it was the right thing. Time will tell I guess.

I'd be curious to hear from others on this. Would love to hear some do's and dont's --- some advice that would help

Most sincerely,
kelly

[Dianne S]

Good luck. I hope things work out. You'd better sincerely apologize to your wife for concealing your cross-dressing and promise you won't keep things from her in future. I bet she's more upset about the secrecy and hiding than the actual CD'ing itself.

[happy2cd]

This happened to me a bunch of years ago and it has remained a thorn our marriage ever since. It is great that she can/will talk to you about it and that you are going to see somebody to help the two of you deal with it.

A don't ask don't tell relationship is very hard after the cat is out of the bag so be happy that you have communication.

Good Luck! and Welcome!

[jillleanne]

One of the best things I ever did was come out to my s/o. Life flourishes knowing truth is a fundamental component of the relationship. Remind her of her importance to your relationship, your love for her, and offer real answers to any questions she may have. Go slow and don't let the new freedom blur your thinking.

[Marcelle]

Hi Kelly,

Firstly welcome. This is a safe and supportive site and you will find all sorts of good advice here from a caring community.

I only recently came out to my wife of 24 years and like you, when I took that leap I was not sure how the marriage would survive. It can be a hard pill to swallow when you hear your husband wants to wear your clothes and underwear. Like you we agreed to keep an open dialogue so that is a good start . . . communication and honesty from this point forward is very important . . . no matter how innocuous you think the issue may be.

Has your wife agreed to see you dressed? If not, don't push. This is a big step to see the man you married transition to women's clothing. Set the ground rules together and be sensitive to what she is willing to accept and not. As a lot of gals will tell you, the "pink fog" can roll in quite quickly so don't overwhelm her with what you want to do. It is not only about you, it is about her as well.

Seeing a therapist is probably a good thing. I got from your post that there has been some strain in the marriage and since your therapist knows the history, he/she might be able to put this in perspective for both you and your wife.

Support your wife, tell her you love her and never loose sight of the fact that she is there as well. If your marriage survives and she comes to accept this side of you, learn to integrate it in your marriage together as this will help ensure there are no surprised down the road.

You have taken the first step down a long pathway and even though I am only 5 feet ahead of you on this path, I have learned a lot from the gals on this site and am constantly applying sage advice from some.

Never be afraid to ask questions on this forum, if you can think it, I am sure someone here has lived it.

Hugs

Isha

[Jenniferathome]

Your marriage CAN survive this. I am sure your wife is most concerned about the "lying", as she sees it. I told my wife after 20+ years a marriage. She didn't like the fact that I withheld the info more than the info itself. But, she also recognized why I would want to keep it secret.

Talk, talk, and more talk is all you can do, AND tell her everything! Don't let one little thing come back to haunt you.

[ReineD]

Just be there for her and listen. You sound as if you do understand how difficult it is for her to not have been told, so I don't get the feeling that you are trying to avoid the responsibility of not having told her.

But, it is what it is and the only thing that you can do now to remedy this is to be completely honest with her in the future. Hopefully when your wife distances herself a bit from her current shock and grief, she will be able to also listen to you and find out why you didn't tell her. Not that it's any excuse, but you did have some reasons that you felt were valid at the time.

But in the meantime, all you can do is to tell her how much you love her and you want to be a husband to her just like you've always been. If she does mention divorce, you might want to make an appeal to withhold making any decision until the newness of this revelation has worn off, and the two of you have had a few sessions with the therapist to help you all process this.

[Darla]

Hey Kelly -

Tor story could pretty much parallel mine except I slowly and methodically let out that I was a crossdresser, and had many subsequent and painful revelations on my wife's part over the past ten years. I, frankly, am a terrible communicator and I'm surprised that's she's been with me as long as she has. Had I known myself well enough to face the facts that i wanted to dress the belle of the ball, I'm sure she would have left me. Now I presently find myself in a slipshod web of miscommunication and denial on both our parts. Which is to say for you and her a good thing. You did hide it but seem to be 100% out of the closet. She might learn to forgive you the lying and hiding for all the 13 years, but you're clean out. If you're not - please have the strength that I don't to tell her everything. Then your feet will be planted on at least firm footing, as will hers, to make the right decision.

Hang in there. It might get better, or it'll get worse before it gets better. Regardless both you and she are worthy of love and respect. And honesty. You sound as if you are a sensitive and caring man, and maybe if you express that it'll be the one thing that's saves your marriage. Listen to her and talk to her as you seem to have been doing.

Darla

[kelly0]

thanks very much for all the nice notes and support.

we continue to discuss this every day without exception so far (granted, its only been 6 days now). we have not even gotten into how our marriage might operate with this new information out in the open. for now, i am taking the advice that i have read online many times -- never surprise your wife by letting her see you dressed (at least without some agreement on that). would imagine we'd at some point discuss this, just not there yet. quite frankly, i have not yet had the urge to dress since this news has been out. i wonder how this will be for me and us.

the session with the therapist went really well tonite. next one sked for next week. lookng fwd to it.

its still really embarrassing for me to tell someone else. the therapist is now the 2nd person in the world that knows this about me and it was pretty humiliating to relay that information tonite.

overall, i think i am still happy this came out.

its nice to come on here and read the other posts and see there are people like me out there. thank you again for all the continued support

kelly

[ReineD]

Kelly, you could ask your wife if she'd like to join the forum, to learn more. We do have a private support section for the FABs (Female At Birth), so after 10 posts, your wife could join.

If she does join, be sure to read the threads in the public sections with her, so the two of you can discuss what fits you and what doesn't. Some of those threads are pretty scary to newbie wives.

[MissTee]

Welcome Kelly. You will find a lot of support here, and you can certainly get a lot of feedback on your situation here as you are not the first to go through this.

I'm curious: did your wife stumble upon some Cd artifacts and confront you with it, or did you bring it to her attention to get it out in the open?

In any case, good luck and, again, welcome.

[Nicole Erin]

About marriage surviving -
There is a lot of opinions about that but here is the thing -
If it doesn't survive, it typically takes a long time for things to deteriorate. Like years. It is not like a few weeks from now she will file for divorce. Probably never.
When I was married, my wife knew for most of our marriage. It wasn't a real problem for a while but we started having a lot of other unrelated problems and our marriage did fall apart.

Listen here is my advice -
If she is at least a LITTLE accepting, TRY to involve her in this. I don't mean like "adult" things (unless she brings it up) but just whatever. Maybe have her help with your presentation if she will. Maybe you two could go to CD friendly clubs. Girl's days shopping. Just allow her to be part of it. We get a lot of GG's here who complain that their husband is selfish with his CD'ing. Even if she makes occasional snark remarks, do not exclude her. I made that mistake when I was only "dressing" and it didn't help anything.

Things may or may not work out but you have a way better chance if you allow (not force or demand) her to be part of "Kelly".

[heatherdress]

Kelly - Welcome. Don't worry if telling your wife was the right thing. You already made that decision and it was the correct one for you. Just focus on the way forward with your wife. Make sure you both are comfortable with your therapist. there are good ones and not so good ones. Maybe the work you are doing now will eventually strengthen your relationship. I hope go. Good luck.

[Beverley Sims]

Kelly,
do not despair, it is not the end of the world.
Work at it, console your wife and back off the dressing a little if it is a problem.
Time is needed to get used to the situation and it won't happen overnight.
There are a lot of coming out stories on this forum and they are all worth a read.

[Allsteamedup]

You speak of the future and your cding and give a mention as to how your marriage might survive.

A marriage is a partnership iof two people on a reciprocal and committed path.

One of those partners is now damaged, her self-esteem shot to pieces, her view of herself as a woman and wife thoroughly challenged.

It isn't your cding your wife has to come to terms with, nor how it will fit in your lives, but the very notion of who she will now be as a person. Until she has the time and space to sort herself out she will not be part of your marriage. That is how much work she has to do.

Talking solely about how you shop and choose your clothes is not what she wants to hear right now. A charitable wife will sympathise with your problem, but you should never mistake this for approval nor understanding on her part. Recovering her self-esteem and vision of who she is is far more crucial to her. Then you can think about your marriage.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kelly, Welcome to our forum when you are here you are home.
I sincerely hope you both can work through this hurdle the best thing now is to go slow
Your wife has a lot to digest right now, the ball is in her court now.

[kelly0]

i am overwhelmed at the responses, care and support here. thank you.

someone asked how this came out. i wish i could tell you all that i finally got up the courage to tell her myself. but thats not how it happened. last Wednesday night, i took my CD'ing the farthest its ever gone. previous to last Wednesday, i bought heels and a wig for the 1st time ever (i know i am pretty novice relative to some other girls on here). my wife was traveling last week and i knew i would have a dressing opportunity on Wed night. i always wanted to wear heels and a wig and see what i would look like all dolled up (or as far as i could go). well, when i got dressed Wed night, i took some pics (which i really never do or have not done in a long time). i took the pics on my iPhone. apparently, we have some Apple functionality that shoots the pics you take with any of our Apple devices to the iMac and iPad. well, she saw one of the pics on the iPad and thats now it started. i was actually right there when she was scrolling through and stopped her right away before she saw the rest of the 6 pics i took that night (which were pretty innocuous). anyway, that spawned a 2 hour convo that night and here we are.

we have not gotten into any of the "how will this work going fwd" stuff. i have no intentions of ever involving her, unless of course she wants to. i would imagine we will eventually get to that point. it will be on her timetable, not mine. i havent really even had the urge to dress yet. but of course, that will come sometime soon i'd say

we have had some light hearted moments that have been fun. she got all dressed up for work the other morning cuz she had to give a presentation. she came downstairs and said, "So, do you like my dress?" she said it with a smile, i knew what she was talking about. we have had a few moments like that. they seem to help

i will continue to read here and write as that is also helping right now.

i am grateful for the insight, support and care here

sincerely,
kelly

[jillleanne]

I hope you told her regarding the dress, " Yes dear, you look fabulous in it." Sounds like you are keeping your head about all this. That's a good thing. You are right, the urge will return; the traumatic event killed the urge temporarily. As Reine suggests, offer her the opportunity to join but advise her to be cautious in searching the net for info, regarding how much crap is out there. Even here, there are many things that could send her running for the hills. The important thing for her is to be able to separate you and your gender self from everyone else and try to find that understanding about who you are specifically, not anyone else, because, we are all so different. There are many support groups out there as well but my s/o found most of the posters on those forums are gg's that simply cannot come to terms with the gender issues and for the most part do not want to, so they use the forums simply as a place to express their displeasure with it all rather than seek ways/info. on how to accept/understand it.

[SandraV]

Hello and welcome!
A lot of good advice so far from all the posts.
I would suggest you stop your dressing and stop worrying about how to incorporate it into your relationship for the time being. Instead focus on repairing the damage done by the hiding and lying. I won't pretend to know your wife, but judging from your comment of a lot of crying taking place, I would believe she is hurt and confused.

It's been almost a year since I came out to my wife after 15 yrs of marriage. The first few months were hard. It took her a while to even begin to get over the hiding and the lies (even if lying only by omission). It took a lot of crying, many long truthful and hurtful conversations, and a lot of soul searching. We did not attend therapy together. Instead I started seeing a therapist with experience in gender issues who helped immensely.

I am still not sure where our marriage will end up. We continue to take things one step at a time. Still, I feel we have come a long way. She now knows this is part of who I am and that this will not go away. She seems to be ok with this now and our relationship seems to be back on track. As far as my TG feelings go, she still refuses to do any research on the topic on her own and won't even consider looking at this forum. And while I continue to strugle to talk to her about this (my own issue), when we do, we manage to do so in a normal manner.

Aside from that, though she still is not interested in participating, she did ask me if I wanted to get anyhing for myself during recent shopping trips. Baby steps! Just recently we began to discuss the how-to of incorporating this into our lives and agreed that I would look for a support group.

Somehow this turned into a longer post that I intended. In short, my $0.02, focus on her and on repairing the trust between both of you. Communicate openly and honestly. No more hyding or lying. Ask questions and offer clear answers. Don't assume that anything will be ok and acceptable. Take your time, and good luck!

Hugs
Sandra

[Kelly DeWinter]

Welcome Kelly;

Will be sending best wishes your way, Life can throw curves from time to time. I'm waiting for when my facebook account sends my photos to my thermostat (yeah its one of those control from your iphone ones)

[kelly0]

thanks all again for the helpful guidance.

right now, i DO NOT feel focused at all on when my urge to dress returns. and even less focused on if it will ever eventually involve my wife.

right now, i feel totally focused on managing my marriage under these new conditions. i cant even imagine how she must feel. we are still talking every day about this (and like i said, its only been a week now) and that is extremely helpful. she has said some really encouraging things and some things that scare me. i try not to react one way or another. i just listen and constantly tell her that i want her to be able to ask me anything and everything. that has produced some scary things for her to hear ("so, have you worn bras, underwear and stockings?) as well as some light hearted moments ("do you have a purse"? to which i told her that i have carried one of hers before and i had lipstick in it. she got a kick out of that for some reason).

i've spent some time now in these last 2 days reading some other posts here, which are helpful. we are scheduled to see a therapist next week for session #2. so hopefully, that helps us get though this.

thank you again for all the kind support here.

sincerely,
kelly

[Celina]

Hi Kelly and welcome to the forum!

I only joined this forum about 2-3 weeks agoe, and last week I told my GF about my crossdressing. Like yourself I browsed these forums for some days, before I threw myself out in posting. I have had a lot of amazing support and advice from a lot of great people here, and can see that you have had also allready. One of the best advices i've recieved and experienced is true is that she needs time and you need to talk about this, and be open and ready to talk when she has questions or when you have something on your mind. However choose wisely when and how much you talk about it. For me personally I can get carried away easily, and sometimes I forget to stop, before it is too late, and she is fed up of the subject.

Hope to hear more of how it unfolds, and I wish you the best!

Hugs & kisses

[Di]

If she has questions....be honest
Listen to her reassure her
Do not make promises you can not keep....like stopping forever
Tell her she can come here to talk to other wifes ...vent, ask questions whatever.
Best Wishes

[DebbieL]

I understand why you were afraid to tell her. Most males would. If you have a son who was bullied, then your wife might have a sense of it. If she asked why you kept it a secret, you can tell her about how brutal boys can be to each other. Even if you weren't the one who was attacked for being a sissy, you saw what happened to those who were labeled "Sissy", "Fairy", "Queen", "Queer", or "Faggot".

You are doing everything right so far. You are keeping the lines open, giving her chance to ask what she wants, when she wants. The time will come when she doesn't want to know anymore. The counselor will help assess where you both are on the identity and preference scale to see which options give you the best chance of giving both of you happy lives.

There may be things you need to discuss 1 on 1 with your therapist, or a gender therapist, but the most important thing is that you are keeping it present and real for her that you love her and want her to be a major part of your life.

Things you should NOT do:
DON'T Promise to quit dressing - there are many options, and different ways of expression - but quitting isn't one of them. That you can't quite is not that you love the clothes more than her. Dressing is much a part of you as any other major part of your life, including your wife, your kids, or even your spiritual beliefs. If you tell her you love her more than anything she might think "Even the clothes?". But it's NOT just the clothes. Trying to quit entirely to prove your love for her would be like drinking draino to prove your love for her. The second just takes less time.

DON'T tell her you'll never want to transition - Even if you don't think so now, you could easily be a transsexual living in stealth. You won't really know anything until you've had a chance to explore the whole issue with a qualified therapist. If you ARE a transsexual, you could probably limit yourself to dressing, but there is the risk that you could also become very self-destructive.

DON'T compare yourself to her. Even if she wears army shoes, fatigues, and sports a buzz cut, she is a woman, and knows what it is to be one. She might think you are out of your mind for wanting to be one, but you need to value her opinion - it could save your life.

DO let her set boundaries - she didn't know for 13 years, and the only reason she knows now, is because you told her. It's quite possible that she discovered your "stash" and hoped it was just a fetish. She might have even feared that you were having an affair, or having many affairs and collecting souvenirs. Or she may have figured out that you were a cross-dresser but were to afraid to talk about it. She may have been afraid that bringing it up would threaten your masculinity, and her marriage. Just because she knows now, doesn't mean that you have to be any less careful - if she doesn't want to see it.

DO be willing to let her meet Kelly. She may want to see pictures first, or she might want you to take her to a nice hotel somewhere fun. It will give her a safe environment where she can see you without having to worry about the kids walking in, the neighbors peeking through a window, or the feeling that her house has been invaded by another woman. If she doesn't want to meet Kelly, then don't push it. If she does, then let her do it as safely as possible.

DO ask her to share any secret desires she might not have shared before. The reveal can completely alter the dynamics of the relationship. If she has wanted more power in the relationship, wanted to be the aggressor, or wanted you to let her make the first move, this might be her chance to tell you. She might even want you to do chores that she might never have asked you to do before, like house cleaning, doing the laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, or helping with the kids more. This is her opportunity to explore your feminine side in ways that are meaningful to her. You might even find that she wants more control of her own finances, such as having a checking account for her money. A good option here is an account for you, an account for her, and each of you contributes proportionally to a joint account from which the common expenses are paid. This way she doesn't feel like you are spending HER money on Kelly.

DO let her give you fashion advice - If she does meet Kelly, or see pictures, let her give you advice. You can even go shopping together (make sure she knows she can get clothes for HER as well as you). The clothes she picks out for you might not be as sexy, pretty, or sensual, but they will be things she might actually want to see you in. My wife told me she didn't want to go out with me because "Debbie dresses like a skank". When I let her take me shopping, give me some fashion advice, and help me pick clothes, she became MUCH more comfortable going out with Debbie. The good news is that when I follow her advice, I can blend in so well that passing isn't really an issue, I just don't get noticed that much. I do get referred to as "Ma'am" or "miss" a lot more, and guys hold the doors for me.

Do rekindle the romance. Depending on your wife's leanings, this may open new doors for her. Even if she just wants you to keep being the man you have always been, she knows that you can be more sensual, take more time, enjoy the journey rather than rush to the destination, and enjoy scented candles, a bubble bath, or a walk in the moonlight.

DON'T shut down sexually - if you have been enjoying sex together, this isn't the time to stop. She might not be comfortable with Kelly in the bedroom, but she might enjoy wearing something cute for you more often. She might even want to bring a bit of new and different. Let her lead, let her tell you where she wants to go. This can be the opportunity to try things should would never have asked you before, because she was afraid it would threaten your masculinity.

DON'T become a different person. If you've been as strong, confident, and powerful man for 13 years, then continue to be that. This is not the time to suddenly turn into Kelly and turn into something she has never seen before. You will make changes, but she will need time to adjust. Given time, she may even guide you in the changes, and might even support you becoming a softer and gentler man, letting you feminine side out in your personality and interactions with family and friends.

DON'T over-correct - sometimes the urge is to become even more macho and conservative. This would be your way of trying to recover control and power in the relationship. She may want that, and can give that to you. On the other hand, she may want to change the balance and attempting to confront that can lead to even bigger problems.

DO read books - both of you should probably look at both fiction and non-fiction books about different expressions of cross-dressing. Share with each other when you see things that look interesting or fun. The prospect of a rival woman in her home might be a serious threat she can barely tolerate, but the prospect of a sissy that she controls could be quite exciting for her. Conversely, she might want you to play the dominant role, as a domina. Feel free to try things out. Nothing should be set in stone. If you try one style and it isn't working for you, you can tailor it or try something else until it fits.

DON'T assume that nothing has changed. Everything has changed. For her, it could be almost as if her home were hit by a hurricane or flood. It's a shock. She's had this strange woman living in her house, without her knowing it, and she's even been SLEEPING with her. You may be all guy, and only think in terms of dressing, but to HER, your dressing could represent another woman in her life.

DO Let her know that when you are checking out a pretty girl in a pretty outfit, you're checking out the outfit, not the woman. This is a habit that many of us seem to have. We will see a pretty outfit check it out more than normal. We know we are wondering what it would be like to wear that outfit, to be that pretty, and how much weight we'd have to lose to look that good in it, but our wives have always assumed that we were checking out the women, wondering what it would be like to be with them. Worse, she may have worried that you wanted her to wear an outfit like that, something she wouldn't be caught dead in. Watch 13 years worth of anxiety and irritation melt away in seconds.

[jennyscott]

DebbieL - nice post!