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Thread: Am I a crossdresser or a transsexual?

  1. #1
    Valley Girl Michelle789's Avatar
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    Am I a crossdresser or a transsexual?

    Hi, I want to post some feelings I’m having. I really would like to hear some insights. I’ve been crossdressing for years but lately am questioning if I’m a CD or a TS. Here are some things about me. I’m 33 btw.

    I first felt like I was a girl at age 5. I once told my parents I was a girl and they told me no you’re a boy and were very stern about that.

    In grade school when the teacher taught us what the words “male” and “female” were, I kept thinking to myself over and over again that I’m female, even though I’m a boy. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to cause any trouble with the teachers or with my parents.

    In 3rd grade, I wanted to grow up to be a woman, and imagined what it would be like. I never told my parents because they made it clear I was a boy and boys grow up to be men.

    I started crossdressing at 13 wearing my mom’s clothes occasionally when no one was home.

    My parents were concerned when I was in high school that my mannerisms were too feminine and I forced myself to act more masculine. My parents also were very good at guilt-tripping me so I really learned to repress any feminine desires or mannerisms. They also had doubts about whether I was gay or straight.

    I wasn’t overly interested in girly things but I didn’t fit in with the boys either. I didn’t like rough play or playing sports. I was more into reading and intellectual pursuits. I was called a sissy by other kids and their parents when I was a kid. I was always more sensitive than most boys although my parents would sometimes not see that.

    I didn’t crossdress in college, mainly because I had to live with roommates, but I definitely wanted to. When I got my own place to live I started CDing on and off for the past 11 years. I have never left the house while dressed as a girl yet, and I would like to get out more. I will admit there is a sexual component to it, we’re sexual beings and I would be lying if I said I never get turned on by the thought of being a woman. But I feel it’s way deeper than just a sexual fetish.

    I repressed my feelings for many years and tried putting on a masculine cover. Sometimes I would go overboard and act extremely macho and like a frat boy, although I never joined a fraternity. Some people saw me as a “man’s man” but most saw past my macho male cover, or at least I thought it was macho. I felt hurt when people would call me a man’s man or say I was insensitive.

    I often have days and moments where I feel like I’m a girl, ever since grade school. I don’t feel like this 24/7 but the feelings of being female come and go regularly and have been persistent all my life. I would feel female on both good and bad days, good and bad moments. I never truly felt male, although I was okay with being male for years. I also relate to female characters in movies, TV, and novels.

    That all changed 2 years ago. For the past 2 years, I haven’t been happy being male. I started praying to God that I would wake up as a girl, or that I would die in my sleep or be hit by a bus and be reincarnated as a female. I have felt like this on and off for 2 years with some breaks where I feel okay, though not happy being male just ok. It seems like I’ve been feeling increasingly depressed and unhappy. The breaks have become less frequent and shorter, and the depression and anxiety more persistent.

    I’m very confused and feel a lot of guilt. Sometimes I want to die. Sometimes I want to transition and other times I feel completely guilty for feeling like a woman or wanting to live the rest of my life as a woman or even for CDing occasionally. Sometimes I fear what my parents and other people will think, or that people will try to guilt trip me to be glad to be male or that being a woman sucks. Sometimes I think I’m just deluding myself. I have also been unemployed for the past year, but these feelings started when I was still working.

    People often made jokes about me being a girl all throughout my life. Remember I never dressed publicly as a girl. Somehow people just picked up on my girl side. I would get teased about being a girl regularly over the years. Every time someone made a joke about me being a girl or gay, or some feminine aspect of my personality, or me belonging to something traditionally feminine, I would always protest and tell them not to do it anymore, but inside I felt at complete peace with myself and really happy. I never got turned on sexually by someone calling me a girl or gay or feminine.

    In recent months it’s all changed, now everyone teases me about being a guy. When someone makes a “guy joke” I feel really resentful inside and want to tell them to stop but feel like they’ll see me as a gender confused freak if I do that. I have had days where I was in a good mood and then someone would tell me “you drive like a guy” or emphasize how I’m a “man” and my mood would suddenly change and I would be more quiet and withdrawn. Yes some of these people who make “guy jokes” recently are some of the same people who used to make “girl jokes”. I got girl jokes from everyone, friends, co-workers, and other peers. I am also baffled as to why my friends have suddenly stopped the girl jokes and started making guy jokes during the past several months.

    The funny thing is I’m sexually attracted to women, so I guess that would make me a lesbian lol. I also have issues with gender roles, things like paying for dates and being expected to open doors, or ladies first. I also have issues with the double standards of women being allowed to hit men in self-defense but not vice versa, or women being allowed to cry and men having to suck it up. Personally I think no one should hit anyone regardless of gender.

    I also remember what people say to me. Yes I do remember something hurtful you said 10 years ago and you’ll say “I never said that”.

    I’m not married, never been married and have no kids.

    I just feel really confused and am having lots of doubts. One day I feel convinced I’m TS, another day I feel I’m a CD, and another I should stop CDing. I would really appreciate some feedback. I would like to hear from both CD and TS and know if anyone has common feelings. I’m also confused about whether a CD is a TS just earlier stop on the gender track, or if a CD legitimately identifies as a man and a TS as a woman. (I know there are FTM too but I’m talking about MTF lol)

    One more thing...When I heard stories about people transitioning from male to female when I was in my early to late 20s I wished I could have that opportunity. The funny thing is in 2010 I saw the story of Steve Stanton/Susan Stanton when it talked about how she went from CD to TS, I started freaking out that I might end up TS and better quit CDing.

  2. #2
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Well,you don't "end up TS"...and it isn't something "you are going to catch"...
    It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !

  3. #3
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    Hi Michelle, It sounds like you should be in the TS waiting line.
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  4. #4
    Senior Member Lori Kurtz's Avatar
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    Yep. Sounds like TS to me. But to help you work through your feelings about who you are, and make decisions about what to do about it (it's complicated, as you already know, and there's a price to be paid no matter what choices you make), I strongly suggest finding a therapist who is trained and experienced in helping people deal with gender issues. Best wishes, wherever your journey takes you.

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    Your a gay girl! Just like me! Welcome!!!!!! And P.S. nothing is wrong with you! You are perfectly normal!!! So enjoy your unique life!!!!

  6. #6
    Member biggirlsarah's Avatar
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    Hi Michelle, It is not a case (in my mind) as to weather you are a crossdresser or a transsexual , only a qualified medical professional who is expert in that field can help you decide so I don't think you are going to get the answers that you are looking for here, but if you are unable to get that sort of help then for your own sanity then it is a case of finding something that works for you, weather it is deciding that you are going to do what you want and dress to a degree that satisfies your need to dress even if that is full time or just doing it at home, many of us here have had the sort of feelings that you display to some degree in the past , I know I have and I have now found a way of scratching that itch so to speak and being satisfied with the level of dressing that I am able to do, when I am getting undressed and I look in the mirror I feel desperately sad when I have to take my bra off because to me it looks so right for me to have breasts, but that situation is just something I have to cope with but with the support of a good woman (my fantastic wife) then I am able to, you need to get help from a professional or try and look for support within a group, maybe that will help you, good luck in your persuits, love and hugs Sarah xxxx

  7. #7
    trans punk Badtranny's Avatar
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    Truth?

    None of what you wrote matters even a little bit at this point. You might be TS you might not. There isn't a single person here who can tell you different and I would be glad to argue that point. (or any point for that matter)

    Some of what you say is familiar to me (a fully transitioned TS), and some of it is not. Again, it doesn't matter. My opinion about you means nothing or less and I would advise you to find it in yourself very soon to stop seeking the approval of others. If it turns out that you are indeed TS, then you will find that approval from others will be very hard to come by.

    Are you TS? Well that question gets volleyed around here from time to time and the answer is always the same; I don't know, are you? Who cares if you cross dress, what I want to know is are you ready to tell everyone you feel like a woman? Can you even imagine that? Some will say that you can identify as TS and do nothing about it, but I don't subscribe to that way of thinking. The question isn't "are you TS", the question is "do you want to transition and live your life as the woman you feel you are?"

    How would you answer that question?
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  8. #8
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    You sound pretty trans to me. I would definitely recommend you find and talk with a gender therapist. Although I come at this from a different angle than Misty. The things you talk about are pretty typical TS early life stuff. The question I have for you is simple - how do you feel about being male? How do you feel about your life now? Are you ok? Are you miserable?

    A therapist will help you a lot. This stuff with gender isn't easy to sort out, and there really are a number of alternatives.

  9. #9
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    How many times have I heard this same story from so many people. This is pretty much the same Many of us would tell. Are you TS? We cannot know, you are the only one who can figure that out and that can be a tough thing to do. One day you will stop fighting yourself and it will be clear. Big hint.....you already know.
    All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?

  10. #10
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    I think you are a cross dresser like the majority of us here.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  11. #11
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    If its troubling you, why do't you go to a competent therapist to help resolve your concerns. You seem to be engaged in black and white thinking. I hope that through therapy you'll learn that there's a range of variations out there...its not as simple as column A and Column B.

  12. #12
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    I think many of us can relate to parts of your story, your feelings of depression and your confusion. But it may add to your confusion if someone pronounces you to be a TS while others say you're CD.

    One thing you could do is stop thinking about yourself so much. Would therapy but a good idea? Probably... depends on the therapist.

  13. #13
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    No-one can (or actually should) tell you 'what your are' and in my opinion, doing so is actually pretty harmful. You seem to be struggling with something, which may very well be your gender identity, but it's probably for the best to speak about these kind of things with a trained professional unclouded by 'pink fog' and confirmation bias and work it out for yourself.

  14. #14
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    I usually hesitate to comment on first posts like this but my comment is that only you can figure out who you are by truly getting to know yourself.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  15. #15
    Hi, I'm Ria xdressed's Avatar
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    I think it's worth pointing out that crossdresser and transsexual aren't the only paths on the alternative gender journey, there are all kinds of identities outside of the binary. You don't sound like 'just a crossdresser' to me but only you can really know if you should transition or if there some other path that would fit you better.

    Here are the youtube channels for my friends Brin and Paige, they talk a lot about these sorts of things and I find there video's very informative. I recommend watching the first few videos of both first and then browsing there channels to see if anything takes your interest and might help you.

    Paige: http://www.youtube.com/user/jargoabendroth/videos

    Brin: http://www.youtube.com/user/BrinConvenient/videos

    and if you're interested I can post a link to mine too (although I'm at least 10 years younger than them so I don't have as many videos)
    Bi-Gendered, Goth/Metal Fan, Atheist, Artist and British

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    There's a lot in your post that's familiar to me. In fact that is effectively my story too with detail differences. Went through a similar process and began to look at it seriously around the same age as you are now.

    In the end I came to the conclusion that I am in fact TS and even began to come out to some people who were all supportive and not surprised at all. I too had the workplace jokes although no one ever called me a 'man's man'. In the end I decided I couldn't take it further than that. However much I wanted to I felt I could never be brave enough to transition. But then I didn't get counselling or anything. I'm not a strong person and I think you must be to get through the process and have good support from someone in your life. Naturally there are those who would claim this proves I'm not TS really. But in fact I've haven't said or decided that I'll never start down that road. I think about it every day.

    Much of what Badtranny says above I completely agree with. None of this proves you are TS or something else. As others put it none of us here can tell you that. Only you with some help from someone experienced in this. For me I have no doubt anymore. I am a woman, whatever I look like or whatever my behaviour learned or otherwise, I am female. Once that's clear in your mind you can move to the next step or as in my case, park the issue for now.

    Good luck whichever way you

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    Are you a man or a woman? Or somewhere in-between?

    I get the confusion part, and the shame, because thats the way I felt about it most of my life.

    One thing you have going for you is that you are not married and don't have kids, that makes it much easier to explore your gender, present as a woman more out in the real world and see how it feels.

    How do you feel about being a man?

    Transitioning is hard, it takes a lot of commitment / resolve. Transitioning will be harder for you, if you are considering it, being unemployed. Without good financial resources or being real lucky with natural feminine looks you end up like me trying to make the best of it with a mostly male looking body - no easy road to go down!! Much better to wait and get a job start hair removal and save save save like crazy!

  18. #18
    Playboy girl at heart Bunny Girl Zoe's Avatar
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    I recommend going to gender clinic for pro help I say your ts by what your saying but need pro advice.
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  19. #19
    Silver Member Debra Russell's Avatar
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    Your in good company here, so listen learn and your young enough to go with your heart - relax a little, this ride is a long one try to enjoy......................Debra

  20. #20
    Senior Member Emma England's Avatar
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    From my opinion, you sound like a compulsive crossdresser.

    Best to seek advice from a gender professional.
    Whenever I have worn a skirt in male mode, there have never been any issues at all.

  21. #21
    Aspiring Member Ceri Anne's Avatar
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    Michelle, there are many of us here who are in similar situations. There is no hard definition of what makes someone Transsexual or Transgender. I am attracted to women, not men, I don't have any desire to go thru SRS, although possibly HRT. I do wish I had breasts and long thick hair. I really enjoy expressing the female side of me, but don't want to loose my male characteristics either. I enjoy both sides of me. I consider myself a full member of the Trans community and relate to girls who CD, do HRT, have had SRS equally. This is not a competition, its a matter of expressing ourselves. Comfortably being ourselves. Each of us is on our own journey and path. You may decide to take a different path down the road, you may not, just enjoy the scenery along the way.
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  22. #22
    Valley Girl Michelle789's Avatar
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    Everyone, thank you for the feedback.

    I've been struggling with this for a long time and haven't talked with anyone in person. I just needed a place to express what I'm feeling.

    I completely understand that no one can really tell me if I'm TS or where I identify on the gender spectrum. I just wanted to see if others could relate to what I'm feeling.

    I do appreciate all the comments. Thanks!!!

    I feel like I'm in a catch 22. I need a job, but my gender issues are interfering with getting a job, like I'm not spending as much time as I should applying to jobs or freaking out on interviews...in fact I'm definitely freaking out on interviews lol.

    I think for me the next steps are definitely to go out and present as a woman in the real world, and seek therapy, and a find local support group. I'm definitely not planning on rushing into transition without a job, nor saying either way that I will or will not pursue transition, or how far I will go. But one thing is for sure, I definitely need to address the underlying gender issues in some way, and find a job. I'm definitely at a fork in the road and need to figure out which direction to go.

  23. #23
    Member Kimberly Kael's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Michelle789 View Post
    I think for me the next steps are definitely to go out and present as a woman in the real world, and seek therapy, and a find local support group. I'm definitely not planning on rushing into transition without a job, nor saying either way that I will or will not pursue transition, or how far I will go. But one thing is for sure, I definitely need to address the underlying gender issues in some way, and find a job. I'm definitely at a fork in the road and need to figure out which direction to go.
    It sounds like you've got a healthy grip on what comes next. There's no rush, no timeline you need to adhere to. Make decisions that feel like the right ones for you, and never think you have to proceed down a given path because someone expects it of you.

    Good luck! I think the real test isn't how much you yearn to be female, it's how comfortable you are when you finally start presenting as such. If that lifts a weight from your shoulders and you find it easier and more relaxing, then you may have found who you really are. The hard part is figuring out whether that's true in limited circumstances, or holds true 24/7.
    ~ Kimberly

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  24. #24
    Junior Member AveryS's Avatar
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    Michelle - The only person that can answer the TS/TG vs CD question is you. The point that I knew for sure after questioning is when I started thinking about ways to kill myself... and for anyone that actually knows me, I've always appeared as a happy person, and the thought of death is my biggest fear. (I love life!). So when I started thinking about driving my car off a bridge, or slicing myself when cutting up the vegetables, I knew there was a serious problem.

    You've figured out a lot more about yourself than I figured out at that point!! I was 37 when I finally hit the bottom and needed to deal with it, and it's the best thing I could have done. I still present as a male most of the time, but I'm on hormones and the mental impact is incredible. It was a real validation that I had a serious imbalance, so much so that I started feeling depressed again and immediately got a blood test -- it confirmed that my testosterone levels had crept back up. I had no idea, but it has an incredible impact.

    Here's where I personally made my determination that I am most likely a trans woman and not just a cross dresser: Although things like lingerie got me aroused, everything else just made me feel 'right'. I slept better in my Disney princess sleep set than I had slept in years. The first time I was called by my feminine name I got tears of happiness (even if it was just online). I found that I wasn't dressing up for a thrill, but for pure comfort.

    It's funny, I've seen quite a number of posts where people indicate that they have their 'male' closet and a 'female' closet and the two identities are unique from each other. I can't even imagine that. I don't have a male or female side. I'm a female through and through, but I'm stuck with lots of crappy male clothes to wear due to social pressures. But I just cannot relate to having a distinct male and female persona... and maybe that's one of the differences between TG and CD.

    Everyone goes through it differently. Look inside yourself, look at your future... determine where you are on the spectrum (you may be gender fluid, or anywhere along the gender expression and gender identity spectrum). It's a brutally bumpy ride, but whatever you do it'll be the right choice for you. Hugs!!

  25. #25
    Member NyssaF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Michelle789 View Post
    I’m not married, never been married and have no kids.

    I just feel really confused and am having lots of doubts. One day I feel convinced I’m TS, another day I feel I’m a CD, and another I should stop CDing. I would really appreciate some feedback. I would like to hear from both CD and TS and know if anyone has common feelings. I’m also confused about whether a CD is a TS just earlier stop on the gender track, or if a CD legitimately identifies as a man and a TS as a woman. (I know there are FTM too but I’m talking about MTF lol)
    I would say that, since you aren't married and don't have kids, try cross-dressing all the time. Or at least all the time that you are at home. See how it feels to be dressed, see if you feel like a woman. If you do, then there's a pretty good chance that you could be leaning more towards TS. If you feel like you're a man expressing a deep feminine side, then you know.

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