Hi, I want to post some feelings I’m having. I really would like to hear some insights. I’ve been crossdressing for years but lately am questioning if I’m a CD or a TS. Here are some things about me. I’m 33 btw.
I first felt like I was a girl at age 5. I once told my parents I was a girl and they told me no you’re a boy and were very stern about that.
In grade school when the teacher taught us what the words “male” and “female” were, I kept thinking to myself over and over again that I’m female, even though I’m a boy. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to cause any trouble with the teachers or with my parents.
In 3rd grade, I wanted to grow up to be a woman, and imagined what it would be like. I never told my parents because they made it clear I was a boy and boys grow up to be men.
I started crossdressing at 13 wearing my mom’s clothes occasionally when no one was home.
My parents were concerned when I was in high school that my mannerisms were too feminine and I forced myself to act more masculine. My parents also were very good at guilt-tripping me so I really learned to repress any feminine desires or mannerisms. They also had doubts about whether I was gay or straight.
I wasn’t overly interested in girly things but I didn’t fit in with the boys either. I didn’t like rough play or playing sports. I was more into reading and intellectual pursuits. I was called a sissy by other kids and their parents when I was a kid. I was always more sensitive than most boys although my parents would sometimes not see that.
I didn’t crossdress in college, mainly because I had to live with roommates, but I definitely wanted to. When I got my own place to live I started CDing on and off for the past 11 years. I have never left the house while dressed as a girl yet, and I would like to get out more. I will admit there is a sexual component to it, we’re sexual beings and I would be lying if I said I never get turned on by the thought of being a woman. But I feel it’s way deeper than just a sexual fetish.
I repressed my feelings for many years and tried putting on a masculine cover. Sometimes I would go overboard and act extremely macho and like a frat boy, although I never joined a fraternity. Some people saw me as a “man’s man” but most saw past my macho male cover, or at least I thought it was macho. I felt hurt when people would call me a man’s man or say I was insensitive.
I often have days and moments where I feel like I’m a girl, ever since grade school. I don’t feel like this 24/7 but the feelings of being female come and go regularly and have been persistent all my life. I would feel female on both good and bad days, good and bad moments. I never truly felt male, although I was okay with being male for years. I also relate to female characters in movies, TV, and novels.
That all changed 2 years ago. For the past 2 years, I haven’t been happy being male. I started praying to God that I would wake up as a girl, or that I would die in my sleep or be hit by a bus and be reincarnated as a female. I have felt like this on and off for 2 years with some breaks where I feel okay, though not happy being male just ok. It seems like I’ve been feeling increasingly depressed and unhappy. The breaks have become less frequent and shorter, and the depression and anxiety more persistent.
I’m very confused and feel a lot of guilt. Sometimes I want to die. Sometimes I want to transition and other times I feel completely guilty for feeling like a woman or wanting to live the rest of my life as a woman or even for CDing occasionally. Sometimes I fear what my parents and other people will think, or that people will try to guilt trip me to be glad to be male or that being a woman sucks. Sometimes I think I’m just deluding myself. I have also been unemployed for the past year, but these feelings started when I was still working.
People often made jokes about me being a girl all throughout my life. Remember I never dressed publicly as a girl. Somehow people just picked up on my girl side. I would get teased about being a girl regularly over the years. Every time someone made a joke about me being a girl or gay, or some feminine aspect of my personality, or me belonging to something traditionally feminine, I would always protest and tell them not to do it anymore, but inside I felt at complete peace with myself and really happy. I never got turned on sexually by someone calling me a girl or gay or feminine.
In recent months it’s all changed, now everyone teases me about being a guy. When someone makes a “guy joke” I feel really resentful inside and want to tell them to stop but feel like they’ll see me as a gender confused freak if I do that. I have had days where I was in a good mood and then someone would tell me “you drive like a guy” or emphasize how I’m a “man” and my mood would suddenly change and I would be more quiet and withdrawn. Yes some of these people who make “guy jokes” recently are some of the same people who used to make “girl jokes”. I got girl jokes from everyone, friends, co-workers, and other peers. I am also baffled as to why my friends have suddenly stopped the girl jokes and started making guy jokes during the past several months.
The funny thing is I’m sexually attracted to women, so I guess that would make me a lesbian lol. I also have issues with gender roles, things like paying for dates and being expected to open doors, or ladies first. I also have issues with the double standards of women being allowed to hit men in self-defense but not vice versa, or women being allowed to cry and men having to suck it up. Personally I think no one should hit anyone regardless of gender.
I also remember what people say to me. Yes I do remember something hurtful you said 10 years ago and you’ll say “I never said that”.
I’m not married, never been married and have no kids.
I just feel really confused and am having lots of doubts. One day I feel convinced I’m TS, another day I feel I’m a CD, and another I should stop CDing. I would really appreciate some feedback. I would like to hear from both CD and TS and know if anyone has common feelings. I’m also confused about whether a CD is a TS just earlier stop on the gender track, or if a CD legitimately identifies as a man and a TS as a woman. (I know there are FTM too but I’m talking about MTF lol)
One more thing...When I heard stories about people transitioning from male to female when I was in my early to late 20s I wished I could have that opportunity. The funny thing is in 2010 I saw the story of Steve Stanton/Susan Stanton when it talked about how she went from CD to TS, I started freaking out that I might end up TS and better quit CDing.
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Originally Posted by STACY B
