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Thread: Is This Forum Dangerous to Crossdressers?

  1. #1
    Diamond Member Persephone's Avatar
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    Is This Forum Dangerous to Crossdressers?

    I sometimes worry that this forum encourages members to go beyond their comfort zone. To "come out of the closet," to tell spouses and others, and to be "out and about" are some examples.

    All of these may be good things that can enhance the individual's quality of life, but they are steps that should be taken slowly and considered carefully. Each step has its hazards as well as its rewards.

    Marriages have gotten better or worse as each of these steps have occurred in individual lives.

    I worry about members who go out alone at night and prowl dark shopping malls and dangerous areas.

    And there are many, many more considerations as well.

    Along with others I enjoy celebrating each woman's accomplishments when they are posted. Such celebrations form the web of our online community.

    But crossdressing is not competitive and each woman should consider her own circumstances and desires individually.

    Hugs,
    Persephone.
    "If you are living the life you want to live you've successfully transitioned to being the person you want to be." - Eryn.

    "If you truly care about me you should damn well want for me what I want for myself" - Michael Westen (Burn Notice)

    -.-. --.-/-.-. --.-/-.-. -../ Persephone™ and Persephone™ are trademarks of Persephone herself, accept no substitutes. The terms "en femme" and "en drab" originated with Marcia Sampson/Staylace (OBM).

  2. #2
    Junior Member Debi's Avatar
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    It may not so much be competitive, rather than realisation that being honest may not be as scary as we initially think it might be and with each little step, it feels good to be true to yourself... A forum like this just drives it home that we are doing something which is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

    This helps me to become braver anyway.

    D x

  3. #3
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    To the contrary, my experience with the posts that I have read have always contained opinions that counseled caution and care. As to coming out to spouses and so forth, that is always a personal decision but secrecy and hiding seem to have some pretty significant problems. Not the least of which is ones mental health. As far as I can see the replies that are posted cover most sides of the argument pretty well. I am interested to see the opinions of others on this subject.

  4. #4
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Persephone View Post
    I sometimes worry that this forum encourages members to go beyond their comfort zone. To "come out of the closet," to tell spouses and others, and to be "out and about" are some examples.
    Yes, yes it does. But it is up to each individual to decide their own fate. If they want to travel the dangerous road, that's up to them. I understand the whole concept of making crossdressing more mainstream to get the general population to accept it, but I don't think there's much we can do to increase the number of women who will be attracted to those of us who do it; either it turns you on, or it turns you off; few are 'on the fence'.

    As far as telling female mates, it's often a no win situation. If you tell early in the relationship, there's a huge chance that they'll leave you. If you don't, and they find out the hard way, they leave anyway, and they have the whole 'you lied to me' revenge thing going on, like my ex, who screwed me over big at divorce time. While there are a few (very few) stories about marriages getting better after the CD comes out to his wife, that number is overwhelmed by the number that implodes after the fact (but then, I've only been reading about this online since I discovered the newgroups back in the early 90's).

    What woman's accomplishments are you talking about? Or was that a reference to the crossdresser? It's difficult to tell if you refer to everyone as a woman, and/or use female pronouns for everyone, perhaps we should use the third party designation even if it makes for slightly incorrect writing to avoid confusion.

    Quote Originally Posted by Debi View Post
    It may not so much be competitive, rather than realization that being honest may not be as scary as we initially think it might be and with each little step, it feels good to be true to yourself... A forum like this just drives it home that we are doing something which is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
    The problem with 'being honest' is the huge number of people for which is it not 'completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of'. Sure, as time goes on it will become that way, but I don't want to waste the rest of my life just so some crossdressers in the future get to have it easier. I'm not a martyr, I want a life too, and I don't need it to be any more difficult than it already is.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 09-08-2013 at 04:52 PM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  5. #5
    Junior Member kathly's Avatar
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    I understand what Persephone means, But I think is up to each member to really think about their actions since some of the members have had good experience and some had had some bad ones. for example I been the unlucky one to have had a scary experience. One nighht I was all dress up and then I got all caught up in my dressing that it cloud my judment. so I went driving around while dress and I did not know I was in a bad part of town and when I got out a dude was siting in his car and that scared the hell out of me and then he began to chase me down with his car I was so scared that I was about to call the police but luckly he gave up and took off. that made me realized that I really have to be really careful. so to all the girls always always be careful out there
    Last edited by kathly; 09-09-2013 at 02:39 AM.

  6. #6
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    I think it is exactly opposite of dangerous. We can learn from others misadventures; feel pride at others successes; we can share hopes and fears; we can realize that we are not alone.


    And, it isn't like anyone (other than yourself) is forcing you to do or say anything against your will.
    Before you can love another, you must first like yourself

    I Aim To Misbehave

    Labels belong on BOXES, not PEOPLE!

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Any time you stir the social mix you will help some and harm some. All you can hope for is that more will be helped than will be hurt.

    I believe that this forum, overall, has had a positive effect on its members. Yes, it is encouraging, but there is a healthy dose of caution in the mix as well. If someone posts about contemplating or doing something dangerous it is likely that another member will chime in with cautionary advice. Many times the OP's response is "I'd never thought of that, perhaps that isn't such a good idea after all!"

    Concerning encouraging people to come out to their spouses, I see their only alternative as remaining in the closet. Usually, this leads to inadvertent discovery which leads to worse outcomes than simply having "the talk." At least here CDers can get guidance about how to communicate with their spouse and perhaps achieve less distress for both CDer and spouse.

    I do worry that some may see CDing as a competition. Those of us handicapped with a Y-chromosome tend to be competitive by nature and it is likely that CDing won't be any exception. I often tell people that "this isn't a race" and that one should be seeking a comfortable equilibrium on the male-female TG scale. That equilibrium might be at the far end of being TS, but for most of us it lies somewhere in the middle.
    Eryn
    "These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
    "She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
    "Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]

  8. #8
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    This forum certainly helped me sort out where I am on the spectrum. Like the OP, reading the posts which have told of both happy and tragic outcomes when telling the SO, I have also wondered to what extent the other members on the forum have, unwittingly, encouraged some people to act in haste, without taking the time to weigh up the pros and cons of rushing in where angels might have feared to tread.

    Yes, we should be honest with our SOs.
    Yes, we must open the lines of communication and keep talking, talking, talking ...

    But too many of us are enveloped by the pink fog and lose sight of the need to consider our SOs feelings more than our own.

    Act in haste, repent at leisure ... sounds like advice for those contemplating getting married. But it is even more important to consider the wisdom of this advice when considering whether or not to push the CDing limits with one's SO. After all, marriages can be annulled, or simply abandoned. But once broken, they are impossible to mend.

    I wish that I had been aware of this forum when I was considering leaving my wife. Sadly, it not exist at the time. Had I been able to learn from it back then, perhaps my family would still be together.

    On the bright side, I think the true value of this forum lies in the opportunity it gives GGs to read and learn. And, of course, we should be paying careful attention to what the GGs say about their feelings when learning their SO is a crossdresser.

    Kudos to Tamara for setting up this site, and for running it so carefully. It is an invaluable resource. I treasure it.

  9. #9
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    Really great advice, P! The power of this site is to open ones eyes to the possibilities of life. But, I also believe that unless one is very selective n reading here, there will be plenty of cautionary tales. I'm more concerned about the mental state of the reader. Some of us may be caught up in a euphoric pink fog of discovery and make impulsive choices. Others may have struggled with personal or family issues that they project on every other person's situation. And some are struggling with lifelong emotional problems and clutch at passing straws in the hope of a resolution to their unique pain. The site isn't at fault, it isn't the cause, but it may become a tool in the wrong hands.

  10. #10
    Gone to live my life
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    Hi Persephone,

    Great thread. I wonder about that as well and I guess we all should exercise some caution when we tell our tales of joy so as not to make it sound like others need to follow suit (I am guilty of that).

    The unfortunate thing is that when we reach a milestone in our development of sense of self, we feel good and want to share (if we did not we would not be on this or any forum). This could be as simple as "I under dressed at work today and felt great" to "I finally got up and went out to dinner".

    I think sharing your successes and your failures is what this forum is all about and should strive to maintain IMHO. Those who read the posts should recognize what I and others have done (come out to our SO) may not be for them. Everyone needs to weigh the consequences of their decisions, ask questions of the OP or others before taking a leap of faith. It only makes sense.

    Can success stories make a person want to push the gambit? It is plausible as that person may only need a wee budge to push them in that direction. Is it right for them . . . unfortunately only they can decide and I would hope they exercise the proper caution. There are lots of girls who are out and about on this forum, I read it all the time and say "I wish that were me" However in reality I know it will most likely never be "I could not pass if my life depended on it" "My wife has expressed reticence to the idea" and "My career would effectively come to an end". I applaud those girls but they do not make me want to throw caution to the wind and give it a try.

    Hugs

    Isha
    Last edited by Marcelle; 09-08-2013 at 05:34 PM.

  11. #11
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    This is a foregone conclusion, but never hurts to hear a reminder. Conversely, what you say may also assist others in taking that step that they may not take otherwise, a step that is needed to help them satisfy an urge. Life itself does not come with a warning sign. If it did, what could it possibly say that would include all the dangers we will face in a lifetime? Anything we read/hear, particularly on the WWW should be taken as ideas, suggestions, examples, food for thought, but should never be misinterpreted as 'good advice'. Good advice comes from within and no where else usually. Ask any GPS.

  12. #12
    A California Girl Rachel Morley's Avatar
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    Not sure if it's dangerous or not but I do remember a few years ago, before I ventured outside in public, I would read things on this site that made me feel like everyone else was going outside except me. So in my case, I did feel a mild pressure to push my envelope a little more than maybe I would have done if I had not been a member here, but then again that turned out to be a good thing in my case, plus add to this I had a "pushy wife" (and I mean that in the nicest possible way) as she helped me, coached me, and pushed me to go out in public with her as "two girls".
    .
    The River City Gems - Northern California's largest and most active crossdressing & transgender support group!

  13. #13
    Full-Time Duality NathalieX66's Avatar
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    Going transgender seems to be a threat to marriages one way or the other.
    But I don't believe this site is the cause. I see this site as a mirror to reality.

  14. #14
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    Maybe Hon but sometimes you just have to "take the bull by the horns" and "go for the gusto".
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  15. #15
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    People tend to follow the path of least resistance.

    If a husband is successfully hiding the CDing from a wife whom he believes will be non-accepting, and if he is not suffering by not dressing all that often, then I don't think he will tell his wife no matter what anyone says here. If his needs do increase and he does begin to feel constrained plus he is feeling increasingly guilty for lying to his wife, then again, no matter what anyone says he will eventually come to the conclusion that he can no longer live like this.

    Same with going out. This is scary for a lot of people and I don't think that anyone would go out unless they were ready.

    As to those who take undue risks while out, they likely would take them anyway.
    Reine

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member joanna4's Avatar
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    It hasn't been a danger for me. Please do with what you desire. I do not plan on telling my SO or family but I do wish to have time to go out en femme.

    Its what I want for myself. Everyone is different.
    I don't dress to impress, I dress to outdress

  17. #17
    Silver Member Maria 60's Avatar
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    Yes it could be dangerous but we are all adults here and in life itself we have to make chooses. On this site I find you hear both sides of the story, you hear good happy stories and you hear sad and mad stories. For myself this site has completed me and helped me vent and if used properly it can help everyone with our secret lives we lead.

  18. #18
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    Hi Barbara, It's like I always say, "Be careful what you wish for" .
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

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  19. #19
    Senior Member Debglam's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachel Morley View Post
    I did feel a mild pressure to push my envelope a little more than maybe I would have done if I had not been a member here.
    And it was one of Rachel's posts that brought me here! Heck, I wasn't even trans* until I showed up here and saw what fun I was missing!

    Deb
    Debby

  20. #20
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    I know, the positive going out stories, have encouraged me to try a tiny bit more. The mistake i make, is after readin so much from people on here, i mistakenly transfer the tolerance here, to the real world!! It is a rude awakening sometimes. I have lifetime emotional illness, and paranoid, and severe shame issues. It is excruciating for me to go out, when i do, some times more than other times. I seem to have it in my mind, that everyone reads me. It takes a lot of pink fog to get me to get out.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  21. #21
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    The powers of suggestion can be a powerful thing. Sometimes I think the forum looks at CD with rose colored lens. It gives me a false sense of security that the outside world is/should be okay with our cross gender behavior. You can't lose sight of reality. And you have to be careful not to let CDing turn you into someone you're not.

    That being said, the powers of suggestion can be a powerful thing, and very subliminal & seductive too.

  22. #22
    Making a life for Tina! suchacutie's Avatar
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    I am indebted to this forum. I discovered this site less than 48 hours after discovering Tina. I knew nothing. Literally nothing. I read post after post and learned every day.

    I developed a comfort zone because of the balanced posts here. I'm clearly not the most adventurous TG here and the information I've gained here has let me decide how far I can proceed at any one time. It is very seductive to move what might be too fast, and that encouragement can be found. I also found balance. I hope others can as well.

  23. #23
    Member Chardonnay Merlot's Avatar
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    A good question

    but they are steps that should be taken slowly and considered carefully.
    The question above, and this piece of advice, to me, is one reason why even beyond this resource finding real-life, real-time support where you are is essential.

    Ultimately what you do with this part of your life is in your hands. No forum, individual or group can lead you in a direction unless you want to go there, and there are risks involved and those have to be understood with a sober reality. That is the real danger, if one isn't looking at that clearly.

    At the same time, there is a lot of healthy potential for people who are taking a sober look at all sides. To me the success stories are worth it just as much as the cautionary tales, which are about 50-50 in my experience in this forum.

    I love this forum mainly because it is a place where I have the space to talk. I don't have nearly as much a space to express my feelings, my thoughts in regard to my cross dressing in the rest of my life...this give me as conduit to vent, talk, discuss, etc as much as want. That alone makes this place a healthy place for me.

    Competition? I find the people who engage in it have other issues to iron out. Everybody is blazing their own trail...

  24. #24
    Senior Member
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    I had come out to my wife, and had gone out with her before discovering this forum. No one's guilty of pushing me into doing anything.

    I have been invited to join a group by a member here, and will be eternally grateful. I've had so much fun with that group. Love you girls!

    I have offered encouragement to others to experience what I've discovered out there! But the decision is up to that person to make, not me. I cannot make a decision for anyone but myself. But I'll sure let you know what you're missing!

    I recieved lots of encouragement to seek HRT from this board. Again, I can't express my gratitude enough to you ladies. Thank you. Again, I had to make the final decision.

    If one is happy in the closet, not telling the SO, that's their decision. And not telling, isn't always from shame or embarassment or fear of losing her. Some want to protect their SO from the truth. My wife died believing I was never in a combat situation, or ever took a life. I believed I should protect her from knowing the monsters within.

    Anything can be dangerous in the wrong hands, but I dare say, this board has done much more good for our community than harm. Only the individual in the particular circumstance can decide which advice is pertinent.

    Leah
    Be nice; It don't cost nothing.

  25. #25
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    It's good to hear coming out success stories, but the results are not always good and we need to keep hearing the other side - the bad results.

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