Is This Forum Dangerous to Crossdressers?

[Joanne f]

Is it the forum or the success of the forum that could be dangerous to some, I think it was quoted that there has been something like 109,000 members on here involved with TG issues in one way or anther and those sorts of numbers can start to make you feel like you are more normal than you may have thought before so could that make you take a little more risk than you would have done if you had not been a member , possibly, but the thing is once you are in this game it is all risks so you just have to weigh up the safest way for you but the other problem is that if there are no risks taken then this life style will never get accepted , just make sure that you keep a happy balance and do not do anything that could be dangerous to yourself or anyone else .

[Kathi Lake]

It can be.

I know for me it set up a positive feedback loop that caused stress on my marriage. Recognizing that, I'm much better now.

Kathi

[kimdl93]

T....when they get the impression it is the norm to dress up fully 3 times a week, tell all to your wife/girlfriend and go clubbing every week complete with a dozen photos, it can make you feel depressed and isolated. NOT because everyone is having such a wonderful time but because yet again you find you "aren't normal" even in the CD community because you don't dress up fully, don't WANT to go out and don't WANT to tell anyone.....

If you look back an an earlier post to this thread, I suggested that the "problem" isn't so much with the content, as with the individual's perceptions. We have lots of members who experience CDing in their own way. That may be at home in private, it may involve the awareness of a partner, it may entail going out, it may be adoption of a middle path life - part male and part female or it may entail some steps towards transition.

We also have members who are in great emotional distress. We have some members who, at least from my point of view, exercise very poor judgement. The fact is that people who have clouded faculties and people who make rash decisions may make bad choices or carry out their choices in a terribly self destructive manner. With or without this forum, certain people will make poor decisions. If they don't find what reinforces their beliefs here, they'll find it in another medium. Given the pervasive nature of web-based porn, I would guess that most alternative CD sites would be far more damaging to people with impaired judgment.

[Dianne S]

It's dangerous because it's addictive. Being able to communicate with others who are like you and feeling you're part of a community can soak up a ton of time.

[julia marie]

I'm at a point now where I'm going out a couple times a week, and I'm really enjoying it. Simply, I feel that it's taking a load off my shoulders, and I thank everyone in the forum who has encouraged us to push the envelope that way.
However, going out has also raised some cautionary flags for me, including some that I didn't think of earlier. Examples (plus some positives):
If I'm going out dressed as a woman I want to look as much like a woman as possible. So, I'm working harder on makeup, walk, poise, even simple things like handling a purse/wallet. I don't fool myself into thinking I'll pass any close look, but I want to do the best job of preparation that I can.
Someone in the forum once mentioned that groups of girls in their early teens can pick out flaws in anyone's appearance faster than anyone else. I tend to avoid them in malls, stores etc. (change aisles), rather than risk being called out.
Similarly, groups of later teen and 20-ish guys in parking lots. Are they more likely to get into gay-bashing? Maybe
We all have to go the bathroom. If there's no "family" rest room, the first trip into the women's room can be traumatic. It gets easier after that. However, if I notice what appears to be a father/boyfriend/husband waiting outside the bathroom, I'll wait until they and their female companion move on. No need to push that envelope.
What seems to be the most accepting demographic that I've met up with seems to be the late teen early 20s sales clerk. They have been awesome.
Walking, getting in and out of the car, etc., particularly at night, raises new safety flags. I'm always safety conscious, but I now assume some of the precautions that women are more likely to take. Park closer to the store. Doublecheck that the car door locks when you leave it. Get keys ready while in the store lobby when returning. Look around. Look again. Check the back seat, and so on.

[Michelle789]

I think it's good to step beyond our comfort zone, that's how we grow as humans. As long as we take caution and proceed carefully we're ok. We should be careful not to go out too late at night and be careful where we choose to go, and can you find someone to go with, or start with a gender friendly hangout?

I'm at a phase where I'm trying to step outside my comfort zone as well and go out while dressed more. I don't have an SO, but I do worry about neighbors seeing me or which restroom to use in public or just how my first outing will go? I feel like it's good we encourage each other to grow and try new things, as long as I grow and try new things at a pace which is comfortable to me, rather than going to the extremes of going too far at once, or just staying stagnant.

[Dani0948]

When I found this site I was encouraged to tell my wife. Before findiing the forum, it never occured to me to tell. I've come to thinking that telling is not likely to yield a better result than getting caught. I think my wife's reaction would be pretty much the same. I may eventually tell, but not any time soon. By carefully reading and thinking about what's here each of us can make an informed decision before jumping off the cliff.

[kimdl93]

Who encouraged you? Some members suggested that you might have a better outcome if you thought it through and presented your truth in a prepared manner. The alternative...sheer chance or worse. History has not favored dumb luck over preparation.

[JustAlex]

...this forum encourages members to go beyond their comfort zone.

This is all I want to talk about. We are all grownups, we are free to make choices and we're going to suffer the consequences of every single one of them, the good ones and the bad ones.

People who don't understand that, have bigger problems that crossdressing...

[Frédérique]

Is This Forum Dangerous to Crossdressers? I sometimes worry that this forum encourages members to go beyond their comfort zone. To "come out of the closet," to tell spouses and others, and to be "out and about" are some examples.

Is it dangerous? Only if you take it (or yourself) seriously…

I would never dream of telling someone what to do, because, in this imaginary setting, I can never fully understand the other person’s situation – under these circumstances any advice that I could offer would be of a highly shallow nature. Also, if the person doesn’t fully know himself or herself, why seek advice in the first place? Just observe, reflect, and think about things for a while. This place is like a bunch of mirrors - some are complimentary, while others are not. I like to champion the individual, i.e. the person who is either decisive, or not, and is responsible, not only for their own actions, but also for their own happiness…

Better to offer a hug: , comfort the individual, and steer clear of any danger…

[Jacqueline Winona]

To everyone,

Would this be because most of the people who do go out are blatently telling those that don't, that they should? (although maybe a few are)

Or might the person who feels pressure, have a more competitive nature that makes them FEEL as if they should go out when they read other people's adventures.

Hadn't really thought of the second idea, but you're right, that is a big deal to those of us who have the competitive streak. I was really thinking of some of the posts on the front page of this forum, there are quite a few that could fairly be interpreted as pressuring.

[AmyGaleRT]

I will tell you the truth as I have experienced it.

Before I came here, I was extraordinarily timid as a CD. I was so far down in the closet that "up" was for astronomers. How could I possibly tell my fiancee about this part of me? She'd totally freak out! And, oh no, I could never, ever, ever step outside my front door wearing a dress! And if my family members ever found out, they'd probably disown me!

Flash forward to now. I've discovered that my fiancee was actually far more accepting and supportive than I'd have given her credit for. I have walked the streets and the shopping malls as Amy, unafraid...heavens, I have walked down Colfax Avenue in broad daylight in a pink lace dress, something which, if you'd told me a year ago that I was going to do that, I would have asked you exactly what you'd been smoking, and how much! And not all of my family knows...but my mother does, and she's even seen me on video as Amy, and she seems to accept my happiness in that role.

And in the process, I've acquired the skills to present in what many have called a passable fashion, and to project femininity, beauty, even sex appeal (if you go by what my fiancee has said, vetoing some of my pictures as "too provocative to post"). I've acquired unique perspectives; never again will I complain about how long it takes a woman to get ready to go out, and I finally understand some of what Imelda Marcos felt (which is a bit scary!). And I've acquired something more than that...I've acquired girlfriends (in the feminine sense of the word), sisters of the soul that I care about, some of whom I only know through online communications, some of whom I have met in real life. I may be more of a social butterfly as Amy than I ever was as my male self...

And I have come to see that, far from being somehow "bad" or "broken," I have been given a gift...the ability to see and appreciate life from the female perspective as well as from the male. Like Tiresias incarnate, I have crossed between the poles, and will continue to do so. I will probably go no farther along the line that continues towards "true" transsexual, but I don't feel I need to. I am more than "just" male, or "just" female. I am the sum of my selves, and it's up to me to use those two selves to make me a better person overall.

This is some of what this forum has given me. I do not and cannot speak for anyone else; I can only relay my own truth.

- Amy

[Marcelle]

And I have come to see that, far from being somehow "bad" or "broken," I have been given a gift...the ability to see and appreciate life from the female perspective as well as from the male . . . I am more than "just" male, or "just" female. I am the sum of my selves, and it's up to me to use those two selves to make me a better person overall.
- Amy

Nicely said Amy. You have made decisions which fit you at the time and have moved forward. As I continue to transition with this new awakening in me . . . I hope to find the same realization myself some day. But I have a long way to go with this presentation thing . . . a real long way (still freaking out our dogs is not a good sign)

Hugs

Isha

[Ceri Anne]

I think there can be a bit of truth in what you say Persephone. I've seen people jump in without testing the water first, only to land on a rock. But in most cases, the helpful tips, inspiration, understanding, guidance and sisterhood has been more than wonderful. I know personally, it has helped me understand and look ahead. I'm pretty outgoing, and get out often from day one (literally). Yet I have reveled in the experiences of others here. My personal sister idol is Kimberly Huddle, who has a similar job as mine and travels regularly pretty. The friends I have met online and in real life have become close. I still have a long way to go in my journey, but the form has helped immensely.

[Chickhe]

My view is that you need to learn from others. You have to look at yourself and evaluate what is causing stress in your life and then do something to improve. My own experience was that by bottling up all this fear and shame I was impacting other parts of my life. I always had this nagging feeling that I needed to go out, but never could build up the courage to do it, but when I did, I learned a whole lot and my fears went away. How much people know is an issue that you have to balance, but I also believe a lot has to do with your own attitude. Some people can CD and come off looking like a weirdo and others can carry it with a badge of honor. Its not really what you do or don't do, its HOW you deal with it. Nobody should do what anyone else tells them to do without first using their own grey matter to decide if it is correct or not.

[Miriam-J]

And I have come to see that, far from being somehow "bad" or "broken," I have been given a gift...the ability to see and appreciate life from the female perspective as well as from the male. Like Tiresias incarnate, I have crossed between the poles, and will continue to do so. I will probably go no farther along the line that continues towards "true" transsexual, but I don't feel I need to. I am more than "just" male, or "just" female. I am the sum of my selves, and it's up to me to use those two selves to make me a better person overall.

Amy shared an experience so much like mine, but so beautifully - especially the paragraph above. Thank you, Amy.

When I joined this forum a 19 months ago I had never ventured from the home, fearing the many terrible things that could happen outside. I did have the active support of my wonderful wife, and even this was a step forward from the decades spent hiding in the closet before she entered my life. On this forum I learned some important lessons that helped me to discover more about myself, especially:

• I'm not alone! There are many others like me, including support groups and conferences where you can meet.
• The police really aren't out to get you if they catch you outside, and the law isn't nearly as hostile as I expected
• Even if someone notices I'm a guy underneath, it doesn't matter unless it affects family, friends, or job
• I really can change my appearance, style, voice, and motions enough to go without notice in most settings
• Many of those in our lives are more open to this lifestyle than I thought
• There are places and on-line sources to buy nearly everything I need for this lifestyle

Armed with these new truths and a new courage, I did what I had long wanted to do even before encountering this forum: emerge from my home and interact with society, with and without my wife. I'm determined to never return to the fears of my past, so I get out often. We've shared this secret with our best friends so my wife is no longer alone with the secret either, and they've been wonderful about it.

Dangerous? Only if learning the truth is dangerous. Only if finding a path to move beyond your fears is dangerous.

Thanks to all of you for the wonderful things you've contributed to my life.

Miriam

[TGMarla]

I think there is some truth to it, that this forum tends to push girls out the door. But I think most want to be pushed to some extent. Subliminally perhaps, but they appreciate the support and the "you go, girl!" attitude that it might take to get a lady out into the world, even for a few baby steps. The "danger" lies in one's own decision making after that.

It was because of this forum that I realized there were many more just like me, experiencing the same qualms, problems, issues, questions, and thoughts that I do.

It was because of this forum that I came out to my wife. That did not go well at all, and to this day, it's something we do not discuss. However, we have a committed love to each other, and we are still together these many years later.

It was because of this forum that I first went out into the world as Marla, and it turned out each time to be a very pleasant and enjoyable experience.

It was because of this forum that I got lots better at presenting as Marla, and my wardrobe and makeup skills have grown along with me, and along with the members here.

I have always councilled that one should not allow this forum to induce one to go out or come out to the SO unless one is good and ready to do so. Ultimately, it has to be the choice of the individual.

[kimdl93]

I can't say that the forum for pushed me . But, as Marla says, the new knowledge that I gained certainly influenced my thinking. I guess that's the forbidden apple of knowledge. Once you know something is possible, then its easier to imagine yourself taking those baby steps...whether they are out of the closet, out to the SO or out into the new world.

I was joking with a member that perhaps we should include a disclaimer, like a financial prospectus, that past experiences do not guarantee future results, or words to that effect. Every consumer of this information has the obligation to make independent judgments based on their situation.

[Samantha_Smile]

I sometimes worry that this forum encourages members to go beyond their comfort zone. To "come out of the closet," to tell spouses and others, and to be "out and about" are some examples.

All of these may be good things that can enhance the individual's quality of life, but they are steps that should be taken slowly and considered carefully. Each step has its hazards as well as its rewards.

Marriages have gotten better or worse as each of these steps have occurred in individual lives.

I worry about members who go out alone at night and prowl dark shopping malls and dangerous areas.

And there are many, many more considerations as well.

Along with others I enjoy celebrating each woman's accomplishments when they are posted. Such celebrations form the web of our online community.

But crossdressing is not competitive and each woman should consider her own circumstances and desires individually.

Hugs,
Persephone.

Good post with a great point.
But at the end of it all, every person (unless with learning disabilities or mental health problems) has a full capacity of free will and the freedom to make their own choices.
It would be very easy for someone to have a bad real world experience and then blame it on encouragement from a forum.
But the truth is, the forum wasnt holding a gun to the persons head, wasnt pushing a 'do it or youre banned' policy, so is hardly responsible for the actions of an individual.

The rest of the truth is, if a person does something following encouragement from a forum, then they were probably gonna do it anyway.

[Kati]

While the forum Encourages and Supports crossdressers, i don't think it would push anyone to do what they don't want to do. While i enjoy underdressing, I don't think that I would feel comfortable (other than on Halloween) to go fully dressed as a 6' 350 pound man with a shaved head and Goatee. I may come to that point at some time, and if i do i know the people here will be very supportive.

[vanitysumers]

yes it is dangerous but you should take everything someone says here about outing yourself or going out in public with a little skepticism.

we all here the horror stories of people losing there jobs and there friends or getting kicked out a a favorite organization, just read the media section and note some of my post.

How Society Shames Men Dating Trans Women & How This Affects Our Lives
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ects-Our-Lives

Stealth taken too far?
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...-taken-too-far

Marla Krolikowskii, Transgender Catholic School Teacher, Receives Legal Victory (VIDEO)
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...-Victory-(VIDE

[PaulaQ]

I don't think this forum is dangerous.

I think the idea that you should always tell your spouse is dangerous - it can wreck a marriage. (It can also bring a couple closer together - it is totally situational.)

I think the idea that if your spouse doesn't accept your CDing, then it's a sign your marriage sucked anyway is also dangerous, and wrong-headed.

I think the idea that I can quit anytime is generally wrong, and pretty dangerous. I guess if you manage to pull it off (why are you here reading this forum then?) then you are lucky. Most report failure.

I think the amount of bullshit and denial that get slung around here in equal measures sometimes borders on dangerous.

There's also a lot of support here.

[Lucy_Bella]

Only if you allow it...I must say I fell into the "Forum Trance"... I took everything said here as good advice..Nope bad decision ,but that's my fault I can't blame a phone for crank calls either.. I knew better but it was so easy to accept something and have comfort in knowing I am not alone.. But like I said I allowed it.. Best advice I could give is THINK THINGS OUT before you do them..Do Not!! Go out with people you think can keep a secret ..Do Not!! Tell new S.O.'s about your secrets right out of the gate ..Think things out first... This is your problem no one else's ( if you see it as an issue)..If you are open and can care less about who knows what!! Than yes by all means join in the fantasy threads ..Have a blast after all you only live once..