Dealing with pressure to return to closet

[bimini1]

Recently been out of the closet to a support group. It was a great experience, nothing negative to report. But there is a growing pressure to return to the closet. Why? Well there has been some talk on the forum recently about liabilities, is it worth it, price vs payoff.

I work in an area where if it got out, I'd be toast. The pressure comes when I ask the question of is it right or wrong to be out in public. I keep telling myself you aught to be allowed to be you, you aren't bothering anyone. But I keep coing back to the well, it's socially unacceptable, you need to know your limitations with this.

I have to put family first, it's not like I am busting out of the closet in a big way, just an outing every few months with a support group. I have a small child and nothing is more important to me than her. My wife is accepting. The problem is me. I keep trying to weight it all out but am getting nowhere fast.
Can anyone relate to this conumdrum?

The times out were some of the most liberating in life. Yet, the public/professional facade I put up every day even while longing to be presenting as female is causing major stress. I would lose all respect if found out and feel hopeless. I know that has not happened yet but can't help think of the what if's if I keep going out.

I'm just flustered over the whole thing and drift into periods of wishing it would all just go away. I feel like I am creating this whole unneccessary situation within myself because I cannot handle what I've done and want to do about experiencing my femme self in public. Its like I know what I should do, go back in the closet, that would be the only pratical thing to do. But then am unhappy about having to make that decision.

While I am out and about presenting femme I feel great. Then when I go back to male/real world self is when the stress and guilt sets in. It may be time to seek therapy.

[Allison Chaynes]

I get it. I have been thinking of attending the one support group in the area, which is more for those who are fully transitioning. I can't help but worry about what would happen if someone outside that group saw me who knew me, and what impact that could have. Probably not a realistic fear, but it's there.

One thing that might help is partially dressing, either underdressing to a point you're comfortable with, or wearing women's clothing that isn't obviously female. I wore knee highs to a job interview last week under my suit, and I underdress 24/7. I own several shorts and jeans that even my wife didn't know were women's until she sorted laundry and looked at the tags.

It's a compromise since I can't dress 24/7 due to family and social concerns.

[kimdl93]

No one can answer this for you. But, I can tell you that there are costs to both alternatives. If you hide and repress by retreating to your particular closet, you're likely to feel some stresses as well. Some will say, "man up" and endure it. But experience suggests that path will manifest itself in mood disorders and depression.

Therapy is always a good choice. You can use the opportunity to express yourself without censor and, with the help of a counselor, find a path that works for you.

BTW, it may not be true that you'll lose all respect if found out. That's a fear that nags at every CDr. Fortunatley, its not always the way it goes. You have more control over your destiny than you may imagine.

[SometimesJen]

I sympathize with you bimini. I've lost 2 jobs and a pension because I wasn't perceived as "manly" enough to fit in with "the guys" in my profession. There's lots of talk amongst people within my profession so I don't go out in public en femme. When I do venture out, it will only be to a small, supportive, private group or far enough out of town that I don't expect to see anyone I know. Until then I dress at home, go shopping in drab with my other half (nobody looks twice when she asks me what Jennifer would think of this or that), and talk often with a few accepting friends.

I'm so glad that you have a support group that you can go to and an accepting wife. Treasure them both! Also treasure the times that you can truly be yourself and don't give them up because of something that hasn't happened yet. It's not worth giving up who you are over fear of what somebody else might think.

At risk of sounding hypocritical, if it's vitally important for you to go out dressed, maybe you can organize something with your support group. Everyone could bring their wife if they like and make it a girls night out. When people see a small crowd of women all talking, laughing, and having a good time they're not likely to even take a second glance, let alone look at anyone in particular. Be sensible and dress to blend in but leave the guilt behind and enjoy being yourself, you're worth it!

[Lady Mandy]

There is some good advice in this thread for you! - I know how you feel - Been there & Although I am not completely "out" to everyone, I am to my wife & have her support. Hang in there & things will in time manifest in the way that they are meant to & hopefully in your favor! Not an easy place to be where you are! - You are NOT alone!
Best of luck!

[Kate Simmons]

Many times we find it necessary to put the dressing in "stasis" for a time due to circumstances or important life decisions. Don't worry it's not going anywhere as many here can attest to. Many members here have had to curtail dressing because of serving in the armed forces and/or going to another country because of their job. Personally, I've put it on hold for years at a time for those very types of reasons. One thing I did do, however, was cease putting up any kind of "facade" in either mode and am always just myself whether at work or play. Fabricating facades for ourselves is a stumbling block for us in more ways than one. That's been my experience anyway Hon.

[Lorileah]

No one can answer this for you. But, I can tell you that there are costs to both alternatives.

Pollyanna here...I see not sneaking and hiding as far preferable to keeping it inside. I see so many here who say they would lose everything over this. I don't understand that. Take the word "crossdresser" (or TG) in your concern and replace it with a different race, religion, sexual orientation and you will have the same arguments that were spread 30-50 years ago. But the thing is that these people now have greater freedom. Not saying they get 100% acceptance but they are no longer shy about who they are. One line in the OP caught me

Yet, the public/professional facade I put up every day even while longing to be presenting as female is causing major stress. I would lose all respect if found out and feel hopeless.

I am still as professional as I ever was. I can still do my job (and a few clients have said I am happier about it). What profession would consider you less if you still do the job as well as you ever did? This idea compares to the idea that women can't do somethings as well as a man (name one job...) In the TG world we have professional athletes who are at the top of their game (probably more than we know). We have doctors, lawyers, politicians, teachers, truck drivers, cowboys, entertainers, CEOs, and every other profession in the world. Do they do a poorer job? So the wording concerns me. Why would you be less of a professional? We often fall into our own trap of believing what someone else says about us. You know that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. So if we don't squeak, no one will hear and we will continue to be the stereotypes that permeate society. We know they are wrong but we don't tend to do anything about correcting them (see reference to minorities above...do you still believe that they are what was portrayed 30 years ago?)

You don't have to march up and down the street and wave a flag. You don't even have to attend meetings, but when you allow fear to win, you are allowing the bullies to win. If your profession would do that to you, I would say in my opinion, that the profession needs to come into the new world.

Don't go hide because someone else says you are a bad person, or a sinner, or a freak. Know who you are and know you are a good person who does a good (or even great) job, contributes to society, makes a difference. If you need to do that from the "closet" then you have to do that. But do make a difference.

To quote Hillel (and it has been re-quoted many times)

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'?

And

if not now, when?"

[GaleWarning]

Pollyanna here...I see not sneaking and hiding as far preferable to keeping it inside. I see so many here who say they would lose everything over this. I don't understand that.

You are self-employed, Lori. OK, so your clients may approve or disapprove, but it is not up to your Ethics Committee (I presume there is such a thing for vets in the USA?) to judge you as a TGd person. There is no faceless, prejudiced group of people who can withdraw your licence to practice. And animals are not impressionable, as children apparently are.

One line in the OP caught me I am still as professional as I ever was. I can still do my job (and a few clients have said I am happier about it). What profession would consider you less if you still do the job as well as you ever did? In the TG world we have professional athletes who are at the top of their game (probably more than we know).

I have always been highly professional as a teacher. Still, I have been *ucked by a vicious, untrue rumour. Here in good old NZ, it's OK to be gay, but not to be a crossdresser (think potential paedophile). Teachers' clients are children. We have to fulfil expectations which are different from those you face from your adult clients.

We have doctors, lawyers, politicians, teachers, truck drivers, cowboys, entertainers, CEOs, and every other profession in the world. Do they do a poorer job? So the wording concerns me. Why would you be less of a professional? We often fall into our own trap of believing what someone else says about us.

The trap is not of our own making; and we know the truth, both as to what are our own standards of behaviour (higher than the "Pharisees" of the profession) and how their false claims are perceived to be true in the eyes of the uninformed and gullible Board members who would rather make decisions according to "the rules" than seek the truth, which might undermine those cherished rules.

You know that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. So if we don't squeak, no one will hear and we will continue to be the stereotypes that permeate society. We know they are wrong but we don't tend to do anything about correcting them (see reference to minorities above...do you still believe that they are what was portrayed 30 years ago?)

You don't have to march up and down the street and wave a flag. You don't even have to attend meetings, but when you allow fear to win, you are allowing the bullies to win. If your profession would do that to you, I would say in my opinion, that the profession needs to come into the new world.

I wonder what would happen if I were to arrive at school in female gear. Do you think I'd get into the door of the staffroom, let alone make it to my classroom? Don't get me wrong, NZ is a very tolerant society in many ways. It's just that being a CDer has negative connotations, which are shared by parents and Accreditation Boards alike.

Don't go hide because someone else says you are a bad person, or a sinner, or a freak. Know who you are and know you are a good person who does a good (or even great) job, contributes to society, makes a difference. If you need to do that from the "closet" then you have to do that. But do make a difference.

Having had a vicious, untrue rumour spread about me, I lost the job I had at the time. At every interview for a new job I attended, things would go swimmingly until someone inevitably asked me to tell them what had happened at my previous job. Nothing I could say could persuade them that I had been framed.

I am content with my present lowly status in the profession, and will continue to care for my students, especially those who are shunned or bullied for being different. I do what I can for the LGBT community.

I think I understand the OP's dilemma better than most. He is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[Marcelle]

Pollyanna here...One line in the OP caught me I am still as professional as I ever was. I can still do my job (and a few clients have said I am happier about it). What profession would consider you less if you still do the job as well as you ever did? This idea compares to the idea that women can't do somethings as well as a man (name one job...)

I agree, women can do anything a man can do . . . nor argument. However, we would be naïve if we don't think there are jobs where it is not a question of "professionalism" but limitations to rules on gender . . . I do such a job and coming out would effectively end my career. And while there may be no such limitations on other professions and a lot of understanding people, there are those who are not and can very easily make you work place a living nightmare.

So I think we should not be too quick to say . . . hey just do it and everything will work out in the end.

Isha

[bimini1]

You are self-employed, Lori. OK, so your clients may approve or disapprove, but it is not up to your Ethics Committee (I presume there is such a thing for vets in the USA?) to judge you as a TGd person. There is no faceless, prejudiced group of people who can withdraw your licence to practice. And animals are not impressionable, as children apparently are.



I have always been highly professional as a teacher. Still, I have been *ucked by a vicious, untrue rumour. Here in good old NZ, it's OK to be gay, but not to be a crossdresser (think potential paedophile). Teachers' clients are children. We have to fulfil expectations which are different from those you face from your adult clients.



The trap is not of our own making; and we know the truth, both as to what are our own standards of behaviour (higher than the "Pharisees" of the profession) and how their false claims are perceived to be true in the eyes of the uninformed and gullible Board members who would rather make decisions according to "the rules" than seek the truth, which might undermine those cherished rules.




I wonder what would happen if I were to arrive at school in female gear. Do you think I'd get into the door of the staffroom, let alone make it to my classroom? Don't get me wrong, NZ is a very tolerant society in many ways. It's just that being a CDer has negative connotations, which are shared by parents and Accreditation Boards alike.



Having had a vicious, untrue rumour spread about me, I lost the job I had at the time. At every interview for a new job I attended, things would go swimmingly until someone inevitably asked me to tell them what had happened at my previous job. Nothing I could say could persuade them that I had been framed.

I am content with my present lowly status in the profession, and will continue to care for my students, especially those who are shunned or bullied for being different. I do what I can for the LGBT community.

I think I understand the OP's dilemma better than most. He is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You can say that again, I too work with kids, in a very conservative area, thus my dilemma. Today one of our administrators had his annual talk with the kids. As one of his examples about proper conduct he talked about dress code. He asked the children what would happen if he showed up at work in tight short shorts and a halter midrift. I could not believe he went there but he did. He went on to say it's not about what you want but about what society says is acceptable as to whether you are successful or not.

Hell, he might as well been speaking to me, a damn near 50 year old man. I felt about this tall. I felt like he was talking to me. Like I didn't know better than the kids. Like I should have left this behind when I was a kid. How could I of all people be considered a role model for kids with what I do? I left work trying to feel good about this part of me but could not. I'm totally stressed and bummed out over it.

[Lorileah]

As one of his examples about proper conduct he talked about dress code. He asked the children what would happen if he showed up at work in tight short shorts and a halter midrift. I could not believe he went there but he did. He went on to say it's not about what you want but about what society says is acceptable as to whether you are successful or not.

So he wants minions and robots. To hell with thinking for yourself? Did you call him on what he said? Sounds like he was speaking from experience. Besides that was a real poor example, would his female teachers show up that way? There is "professional dress" in both genders right? I would hate to think what would have happened with Microsoft or Apple if they demanded everyone look, act and think the same...Oh yeah...they would have been IBM...who now bows to MS and Apple.

And please forgive me, it has been a long time since I was a student but when I was in school, we did not consider what race, sex, religion, lifestyle teachers had. We respected the teachers who would actually challenge the status quo. I know things are different now and teachers aren't allowed teach. They don't get to do the things they should be doing. I have respect for this profession, I couldn't do it, mostly because I don't don't take well to be told how life is. I like the idea that schools teach kids how to think for themselves. I will give you that you need to present as a professional at work, but when your on your own time and you aren't breaking the law....

So I think we should not be too quick to say . . . hey just do it and everything will work out in the end.

I didn't say that, I said being and appearing "professional" should not preclude you from also being transgender. I know what society thinks of us. I have mentioned that many many times, that to Joe Everyday we are clowns, murders, or perverts. This is because this is how we are portrayed in the media. Same used to be with races, religions, sexual preferences. Your job I am sure didn't allow many of those a few years back and now they are common, correct? We all know that certain races cannot be trusted, that certain religions can't do certain jobs, and that women would never make good cops or soldiers or politicians because they are emotional (yes that was total sarcasm). But someone had to start the ball rolling. As much as I disagree with the person recently incarcerated for leaking secrets, I really hate the fact she decided to now play the TG card on top of it. She could have told her superiors about her Tgism and not broken the law. But I am sure she would tell you she "had no choice". She is the classic example of making the wrong decision and having to handle the consequences.

You are self-employed, Lori. OK, so your clients may approve or disapprove, but it is not up to your Ethics Committee (I presume there is such a thing for vets in the USA?)

Oh yes there is... and they can make random decisions also.

to judge you as a TGd person. There is no faceless, prejudiced group of people who can withdraw your licence to practice. And animals are not impressionable, as children apparently are.

I know you work in civilized country so if IF that committee took your license for what your wore, there would be a civil suit pending. It would be up to you to pursue it though. In the meantime you would be subject to defending yourself from untrue rumors. The suit would be they would have to prove that your clothing options made you unfit. Hard to do it you did your job. I get the fact that this is not the norm, but someone may need to be the test pilot. MLK wasn't well loved 50 years ago either. And if as you say being "gay" is OK they won't have much of a defense will they trying to prove that TGs are perverts any more than say ministers or scout leaders??? It is all in how much you are willing to be the martyr I guess.

Teachers' clients are children. We have to fulfil expectations which are different from those you face from your adult clients.

I misunderstood the role of a teacher then... I thought your job was to educate and advise, make children actually THINK for themselves and not follow the drummer. Your job is to not make impressions but to make them use their brains to make their own impressions...right? After all...how do they magically become adults who have the ability to reason?

I wonder what would happen if I were to arrive at school in female gear. Do you think I'd get into the door of the staffroom, let alone make it to my classroom? Don't get me wrong, NZ is a very tolerant society in many ways. It's just that being a CDer has negative connotations, which are shared by parents and Accreditation Boards alike.

I would not advise you just show up, but that you would have discussed this with your superiors. Truthfully, if you came dressed as a Maori, what would they say if you didn't advise them before hand?

I am content with my present lowly status in the profession, and will continue to care for my students, especially those who are shunned or bullied for being different. I do what I can for the LGBT community.

Having "known" you here for years I know that is true. And I do understand what you are saying, but as I stated in my previous post, someone needs to drag your profession, kicking and screaming, into the 21st century. And I totally understand that you need to eat so I get where you are coming from. Hard to be a starving martyr.

[bimini1]

Maybe I read too much into what was said in the meeting. Took it too personally. It was like this dose of reality hit me. Wow, are you really part of this undesirable group of people? I'm down on myself because of who I am and what I hear the people around here say about people like me. I am trying to run away from me but to avail. Thus the rock and hard place. If I could just shift my mind once and for all that there is nothing wrong with me. I feel as though I've done this but then same old same old, coming apart over basically nothing.
Now, when I get the chance to express the femme again, this will evaporate temporarily. I'll look in the mirror and be at peace........until I'm in male mode again and something else like this is said to me. I've got to escape this cycle somehow.

My recent time out of the closet was just great. Went out to eat, interacted with people no one said a word. This was out of town in a fairly TG friendly setting albeit. Then I get back and it's a different story. Guilt, what if they knew factor.
It's just tough to handle. I am not equipped to take this kind of pressure, to some it seems like no pressure at all. Maybe I went out of my comfort zone somehow.

[PaulaQ]

It may be time to seek therapy.

This.

Find a gender therapist, and talk with them. Your fears about work may be overblown, or it may actually be WORSE than you think. (I've seen both.) How you feel about this though is obviously causing you great stress, and I think professional help could benefit you greatly.

I don't recommend going back in the closest, btw. I think you'll find that makes your stress significantly worse. Perhaps there are alternatives. I think going to your support group is also a very good thing that you are doing, and it will likely help you a lot.

Best of luck,

Paula

[Celeste]

It sounds like you have a lot to lose if you are made locally.Maybe the pressure wouldn't be as great if you dressed away from home on trips several times a year.

[GaleWarning]

Today one of our administrators had his annual talk with the kids. As one of his examples about proper conduct he talked about dress code. He asked the children what would happen if he showed up at work in tight short shorts and a halter midrift. I could not believe he went there but he did. He went on to say it's not about what you want but about what society says is acceptable as to whether you are successful or not.

Reminds me of the time a couple of counsellors showed my students a dvd about a group of teenagers at a party. One girl, who decided to wear a provocative dress rather than jeans, got pissed and passed out in one of the bedrooms. A guy who was equally pissed had intercourse with her. He was accused of rape at the end of the dvd. According to the dvd presentation, the girl was a victim, not a vixen.

The counsellors opened the discussion by laying the blame for the events solely and squarely at the feet of the poor guy. There was no attempt to ask my students to think of the many opportunities during the film, where someone could have (should have!) intervened to prevent the tragedy. All boys were potential rapists in their blinkered view. The girl carried no blame. I was incensed!!!

I calmed down and wrote a reasoned, carefully worded letter to the counsellors. They did not bother to respond. Probably reasoned that I am an arsehole!

Hell, he might as well been speaking to me, a damn near 50 year old man. I felt about this tall. I felt like he was talking to me. Like I didn't know better than the kids. Like I should have left this behind when I was a kid. How could I of all people be considered a role model for kids with what I do? I left work trying to feel good about this part of me but could not. I'm totally stressed and bummed out over it.

Does he know you at all? Probably not. I can understand why you took it personally. It was only when I attended an anger management course that I learned to ask myself at time like the one you describe, "Is this my problem?". And I would say, it's not your problem. The person with the problem is the administrator.

[Kate T]

I can see both aspects of what is almost a polarised discussion (though polarised is not quite the right word).

I agree with Lori that at some point someone has to be the ground breaker. Someone must face their fears and prejudice for the better of themselves and everyone. Many of those fears are also unfounded and acceptance is often far more forthcoming than you would think. It is also true that given that one dressed appropriately and professionally then any dismissal would likely in most western countries be thrown out either by the regulatory authorities (i.e. the education board) or at worst case in court.

BUT working with children is I agree a completely different kettle of fish to what we do Lori. To be honest I suspect that both the profession (i.e. teachers) AND the children would be quite accepting of gender variance. The problem is parents and politicians. Very few parents have real relationships with their childrens teachers and consequently they only know what they see and here in the media about transgendered individuals. Let's face it, even those who have close relationships with TG people (i.e. family) often have a hard time accepting it and many come here with preconceived ideas based on social pressures (thankfully most / pretty much all who do come here are able to see that many of these stereotypes are just untrue). Mob psychology can quickly take over and result in prejudice and discrimination. The unfortunate side effect of this is that I suspect it is the children that suffer due to the distractions such a fight would cause to their education.

Teaching is a paradox indeed. Often one of the most left leaning professions even in north american society yet as in the southern hemisphere it is also often one of the most conservative. Personally I would say to you bimini that if you wish to dress at home and not in your job with children then that is your own business and I suspect even most parents would regard it as your own business. HOWEVER if you wish to crossdress at work then I would urge you to ask yourself a question and answer it as truthfully as you possibly can. Would you be dressing for your benefit or the benefit of the children you work with? If the answer to that question is that dressing at work would possibly negatively impact on the outcomes for those children then I would not support you taking such a course of action.

I would add one final thing. Yes you need to get professional advice (i.e. therapy). If you are truly TS and need to transition that is a completely different scenario and you need to start doing things like therapy, RLE's etc.

[Marcelle]

... I agree with Lori that at some point someone has to be the ground breaker. Someone must face their fears and prejudice for the better of themselves and everyone. Many of those fears are also unfounded and acceptance is often far more forthcoming than you would think.

Hi . . . Yes for some this might make sense if you cannot loose your job or end your career (some of can) and as much as we can say . . . I'll just file a suit, take them to court and all will be well . . . that would be naïve.

I hear a lot of people talk about doing things so your SO can't get hurt. How do you think my wife would feel if I decided to go to work en femme to pave the way and my 32 year career goes down the toilet. Oh they may not be able to fire me outright but believe they can certainly remove me from my duties which I love and assign me to some mundane existence in a very hostile environment so as to ensure I take an early exit. Now I have no income and my wife (who is not 100 percent receptive to a public outing) has to face the whispers behind the back, weird stares of a small minded community. What is gained here?

Can I take them to court, file a suit, prove my point . . . certainly but who is going to pay for that. Do I dig into my retirement savings to pay for it so I can be who I am to a world which may or may not accept me? Where does that leave us financially in the future.

Yes . . . if it is something you are prepared to do then go forth, take that hill and raise the flag, I fully support and applaud your courage. But please do not think that because you came out that it is the thing we all should do nor should we be made to feel less than you for not doing it. My goodness, we have a hard enough time as it is without our own community shaming us.

I really thought this forum was about support, fun and advice not a political rally cry to force us all over the top because some have had great success. As I was reminded in an earlier post of mine . . . for every success story there are countless disasters. Each person has to weigh their options before taking such a big step, if it is not right "let them be" if it is, they will join you.

Isha

[Stephanie47]

bimini, life is a series of choices and decisions. Every action has a consequence. Yes, it is risk v rewards. Once again, I've read advice from a man transitioning to a woman. That is a totally different situation than a male wishing to ONLY wear women's clothing.

Weigh the consequences of your actions. Make out those two columns. Then act. Make your choice, and, then be prepared to live with it. Nobody on this thread or on this forum will have to live with your choices. Only you!

[bimini1]

Well I don't need to dress at work. I don't think I am TS, although the support group I've been involved with mostly leans that way. I mean I could be more towards that than just CD, but if nothing else this could be a bad case of the pink fog. I do, however feel the need to go out in femme.
I don't fault the administrator, he knows me and we have a great relationship. I feel he was coming from a good place, he loves the kids and truly wants what's best for them. It's me that has the problem internalizing all this stuff. What he said should have had no meaning for me if I was secure in myself.

I think it's just fears. Legitimate fears of what could happen if I continue to go out. And yes it's about some tough choices here. I probably need to relax and stop beating myself up. It has been a long time since I found myself in this kind of headspace.
Thanks for all the input.

[Lorileah]

Well I don't need to dress at work.

and that is a good point. So you wouldn't right? You go home you pop a can of brew you watch TV. Not really a healthy life but the job can't tell you what to do then, you are off the clock. What if say you were into reading science fiction and living the life of a character on your own time. Would they tell you you couldn't do that? Any alternative lifestyle? OK I get that they don't want you dressing as a girl at work. If you were TS you would not have a choice on that. But a CD has that choice, and still your private life is your private life.

Just a little perspective here, my practice is in the middle (literally) of a Christian school center (don't get into religious dogma here, it could be any school). The management so far has no issue with me, the students and staff have no issue with me (many are very cordial). BUT I "know" that somewhere along the line a parent will complain to the administration. How they handle it I don't know but I have spoken to lawyers already and have been assured that the lease is binding. That does not mean that when the lease is over they have to renew it. But they had that right anyway (and I expect that even though they like my money, their school is growing and eventually my space will look better to them as a classroom). So I know what is being said here. I also know that what I expect and what will happen are often two different things. I could have stayed hidden. I didn't.

Bimini, yes stop beating yourself up. Do what you think is right. Odd, though that the schools are teaching "stop bullying" and then they bully?

[GaleWarning]

Odd, though that the schools are teaching "stop bullying" and then they bully?

This, sadly, is the norm, not the exception here in NZ. By law, every school has an anti-bullying policy, which they all claim, is robust and effective. In reality, the bullying goes on unabated. Any school counsellor will attest to this. Why? It's just too hard to APPLY the policy. Decision-makers can't be bothered to seek the truth in a he-said - she- said situation. It's too difficult and time consuming to gather written evidence and to interview the alleged victim and bully. Witnesses don't want to get involved. Some students have special protection because of their status as sportpersons or offspring of staff members or of Board of Trustee members.

In a recent case where a young female student tried to commit suicide because of bullying, the school admitted that they were aware of the situation, but tended to believe the perpetrator's version of events. I think the parents have taken the matter to the Ministry of Education.

It's not what you know, but who you know. My main gripe with teacher assessment mechanisms has always been that they are too subjective.

[bimini1]

and that is a good point. So you wouldn't right? You go home you pop a can of brew you watch TV. Not really a healthy life but the job can't tell you what to do then, you are off the clock. What if say you were into reading science fiction and living the life of a character on your own time. Would they tell you you couldn't do that? Any alternative lifestyle? OK I get that they don't want you dressing as a girl at work. If you were TS you would not have a choice on that. But a CD has that choice, and still your private life is your private life.

Just a little perspective here, my practice is in the middle (literally) of a Christian school center (don't get into religious dogma here, it could be any school). The management so far has no issue with me, the students and staff have no issue with me (many are very cordial). BUT I "know" that somewhere along the line a parent will complain to the administration. How they handle it I don't know but I have spoken to lawyers already and have been assured that the lease is binding. That does not mean that when the lease is over they have to renew it. But they had that right anyway (and I expect that even though they like my money, their school is growing and eventually my space will look better to them as a classroom). So I know what is being said here. I also know that what I expect and what will happen are often two different things. I could have stayed hidden. I didn't.

Bimini, yes stop beating yourself up. Do what you think is right. Odd, though that the schools are teaching "stop bullying" and then they bully?

Some schools will talk the talk but when it comes to lgbt students they turn the other way. I've got alot of negative emotions tied up in not being able to accept the hard reality on this. As I was saying in another thread about the danger of the forum. Don't get me wrong, I feel this is a great place to express ideas and issues but it does have a tendency to make me look at this thru rose colored lens. Then all of a sudden someone will say something that will shock me back into a sad reality that this is just not acceptable behavior in society.

[linda allen]

I'm going to just priovide what I think is a simple answer:

1) Make sure your presentation is good enough that you won't be easily recognized. That may include a wig with bangs and a different color than your natural hair and female styled glasses or sun glasses.

2) Take your dressing to a town or city an hour's drive or more from your home or workplace.

There's never a 100% guarantee that you won't be recognized, but even if someone thinks they recognize you and says "Homer, is that you?" You can always say (in a female voice) ""No." and walk away.

[daviolin]

Well here my 2 cents. I will try to keep it short. I came out to my wife 4 years ago. so I could, go out in public. I didn't want to sneak out and dress at a friends house, then have to dress down and clean up before I came home. Then of course lie thru my teeth, telling her what and were I was. I figure if she knows the situation, it will be more relaxed and real. We went through a major roller coaster ride for 2 of thoughts years, then it smoothed out. She has become very excepting of Daviolin. Her main concern was the safety of me being dress like a woman in public. Just to keep me in, she lets me dress at will. Which I do very very much. I can get up in the morning and dress as Daviolin for the whole day if I wish. We live out in the country and have property and a large house to express myself in. And I love it. Actually I got bored with going out. It got expensive, and I drank to much. That problem was solved. I like to do a lot of photo shoots. And post pictures. Also my wife loves it when Daviolin helps around the house. This may not be what your looking for, but it works beautifully for me. Daviolin

[Chickhe]

The support group in my area is too political and has internal issues. I would not want to be associated with any group like that because you can end up defending yourself based on their actions. However, you can look at it another way...pick something that is more main stream and tell people you do that... for example, I do Halloween and I have done female costumes and just enjoy the reactions I get and its fun....no one judges me, they think I just like to do extreme things and think it is cool. You can also do cosplay or take up acting. Its all in where you place your mindset. If you are not ashamed, you can hold your head up high and say proudly 'yup, I did that!'. ...no explaining required. You can also choose to deny much of what you do because most often people have no real proof and it looks bad on their part to spread stories and if you are facing that, it often works to remind that person spreading the story about their own weekness.