I am beyond upset today. Disappointed to some degree, hurt to some degree, but I think I still have a lot of "processing" to do on this.
Next week, I will start attending a limited-time facilitated support group. The support group is for people intending to transition to some degree or another, and if their past experience is an indication, there will be few traditional MTF, mostly FTM and (even more so) non-binary or "gender queer".
I am looking forward to it; it feels like a significant step or me to attend this, a real transition group. Like going mid-thigh deep into the water instead of just having the water lap around my ankles all the time while I try to figure out how good my swimming is. (Well, I'm metaphorically deeper than that already, but you get the idea.)
Last night I mentioned to my wife that I will be out on Tuesday evenings for the next while. My social club for the first week, and then "a limited time support group" for the following weeks. My wife prodded a bit about what the group was for; I said it was for people with gender problems.
My wife asked, "Oh, you have gender problems?". I said "Yes". My wife then half-laughed and said, "I'm not going to support you." When I asked for clarification, she said "I'm not going to support you with your gender problems. It's too much for me. What about support for me? I don't have any support. I should find some support too."
To be clear, she was not saying this with a scowl, and it wasn't one of those "Huh!" laughs; it was a sort of melodious laugh, with a bit of smile on her face. Enough so that it wasn't clear whether she was being entirely serious or not.
Was she being serious? Let me put it this way: She can never remember the name "Sandra", but she can talk for more than half an hour about events that happened to a friend (that she has never met) of a business acquaintance in another city (whom she has not met often at all.) Indeed, the friend of the acquaintance has now been raised in narrative conversation three times in a day and a half.
If she can remember that much that she has heard once about someone she never met, then it is certainly within her capabilities to remember "Sandra".
So why doesn't she remember? Because if she "doesn't remember" then it isn't really happening? Or at least it "isn't serious" ?
On some days she says plainly things like, "If you want to be a woman, you have to learn how to" (e.g., do a decent ponytail.). But on other days, it is like I just happen to be especially persistent about wearing women's clothes "just to dress up".
Yes, she knows I have been going to gender therapy for years.
I stayed with her and supported her while she stayed for months 1000 miles away while her father died. I stayed with her and supported her for the 5 years right following while she discovered that her mother had Alzheimer's, and brought her mother to live with us, eventually to die at home. I went to therapy to deal with the stress of that, to deal with the stress of my wife neglecting the relationship (it went beyond just putting her mother first); to deal with the stress of my wife yelling at her mother for things her mother could not control. I have let her put her academic work first for months while she was on a deadline; I helped her with her writing. I supported her and helped her start cleaning up her parent's house (a really lovely place she will likely have to sell.)
And now that I need support, I get told, "I'm not going to support you."
Cripes it is hard. Talk about having to be willing to give up everything.
Originally Posted by kimdl93
