Feeling very alone lately

[SexySarah0727]

I haven't been on much as I recently told my girlfirend the extent of my crossdressing. She reacted pretty much as I expected.

Since I told her our relation ship has pretty much become one sided. I am trying to adhere to her requests to make it as easy as possible on her, hence why I haven't been on this site much, but she has been looking at my computer history and checking my phone.

All she does anymore is call me a liar.

She feels I have been hiding this from her for our entire relationship, although I didn't really look at it that way.

I crossdressed in my last relationship and had a very supportive girlfriend. I miss that often, but with the way that relationship ended I had gotten rid of everything and decided I didn't want to dress anymore as it had caused me so many problems. My current girlfriend knew of this.

I had gone about 3 years without dressing. I will admit I thought about it occasionally, but I never acted on it. A few months ago I started dressing in private when my girlfriend was at work. I hid this from her a matter of months before coming partially clean telling her I was only wearing panties. I wanted to tell her everything, but as I started telling her I could see how much she was starting to hate me.

I shut down and hid the rest. The shorts and shirts and, as she put it, worst of all bras. I didn't want to hide it. I wanted to be able to tell her everything. Then a few weeks later I came completely clean... Albeit at her angry request.

She keeps telling me she doesn't want me to talk to anyone else but her about this, yet when I try to talk to her she calls me gay and berates me.

I need someone to talk to about this. I crave so badly to have someone to let everything out to that will understand and not make fun of me for it.

I have no friends I can confide in that would be open to this sort of thing or that I feel comfortable talking about this with. I'm so afraid of talking to my friends and be judged or worse lose them as my friends to tell them.

I have been dealing with so much outside of just crossdressing, between losing family members and being sued all recently... I feel I am losing every bit of control and happiness in my life. And the worst part is all this is making my urge to crossdress even stronger.

I would love to call this the best part of it all, but with the fact that it's only making me feel more and more lonely, I can't think of it that way right now.

I feel so alone with no one to talk. I wish I had anyone to go to about all this instead of turning to the internet, but I am so upset and can't hold it all in anymore.

At the same time I feel sexier when dressed than ever, and just want to dress all the time and even imagine going out or doing other things while dressed.


At this point I am up for chatting with anyone, but I live in northern NJ and if there's anyone nearby who might want to actually meet up at some point. I could really use it...

[Charlotte1987]

Well first off don't hate yourself because there are enough people in the world that can do that for us... we don't need the added hate. Secondly, she shouldn't berate you for being honest with her, maybe not upfront but hell thats a hard thing to do. "oh hi I like you, btw i like to dress like a woman..." that sounds a whole lot easier to the person in her position. All you can be is honest with yourself and her. If she doesnt want you because you are you, then why do you like her. I hope you can find someone close by to confide in because it helps a whole lot. Just keep you chin high, you lips smiling and your eyes dry... things always get dark before the dawn it seems... XoXo

Charlotte Davis

[Shellycd12]

Hello,

Although I live in California you can always chat with me.
I used to live in Northern New Jersey before moving out west.
We have a lot in common. I feel your pain and you can contact me anytime.

Shelly

[Lorileah]

Since I told her our relation ship has pretty much become one sided. I am trying to adhere to her requests to make it as easy as possible on her, hence why I haven't been on this site much, but she has been looking at my computer history and checking my phone.

That is not nice, in fact it would be a good reason to split in my opinion. You did violate a trust but that does not give her the right to violate YOUR life.

It takes a long time to get a foundation and when you undermine that foundation it takes even longer to rebuild it. She is hurt, we understand that. You kept something that effected her from her. We get that too. You cannot do anything morethan try and get the trust back. But that does not mean she should use this as pillory for you. Right now she is vindictive and abusive. Neither of which will help re-establish the relationship.

All she does anymore is call me a liar.

well... sort of, but you admitted it. She should see tat you you came clean so to speak. That does count

She feels I have been hiding this from her for our entire relationship, although I didn't really look at it that way.

How do you see it? You did hide it right? On he positive side again, you came clean about it. You cannot chang ethe past, you can only work on the future. She is hurt (you don't say how long you have been together) but this is a two way street, She isn't communicating with you and with out that you cannot go forward. You can only remain where you are. And it sounds like neither of you are enjoying this anymore...maybe time to move along

I crossdressed in my last relationship and had a very supportive girlfriend. I miss that often, but with the way that relationship ended I had gotten rid of everything and decided I didn't want to dress anymore as it had caused me so many problems. My current girlfriend knew of this.

OK now I am confused....she knew yo crossdressed in your last relationship and she is that angry now?

without dissecting the rest of the post, I have to say she isn't playing very fair right now. This should be a partnership where you both work on making it work. She doesn't have too like what you do. There are ways to work around that and have you both get something. But if she remains angry, you can't hold peace talks. Somehow you have to talk, in a calm and adult manner.

At the same time I feel sexier when dressed than ever, and just want to dress all the time and even imagine going out or doing other things while dressed.


At this point I am up for chatting with anyone, but I live in northern NJ and if there's anyone nearby who might want to actually meet up at some point. I could really use it..

Now this sort of scares me. I hope what I am readinng into his isn't what you are saying. otherwise...your relationship is over. Severthe ties, move on. You are not what she wants and evidently, she isn't what you want either.

[dandy]

I'm not in New Jersey, so all I can offer is my response on this board. I've never had to deal with the significant other issue; I've never really pushed the issue with anyone I've dated. But I can identify with the feeling of having no one to talk to, no one who I can identify with on this topic.

I've tried to bring it up to my closest friends a few times, but it never looked promising enough to get it out into the open. I dressed once for halloween, and my best friend and roommate at the time was so weirded out by it, so uncomfortable that it really threw me for a loop. He's a particularly liberal guy, works in social justice, but the whole concept of me in a wig and fishnets really put him off, so I never ever even tried to lean on him or be open with him about it again. It was just a halloween costume, teeheehe! Meanwhile, there I was, putting it out there as publicly as I was comfortable with, and I got rejection.

I've been dealing with a lot of personal and professional stress for the past few months, and like you, I hadn't dressed at all for years until recently. But pressure from everything going on in my life started to boil up, and one night as if I was in a trance, I found myself bouncing from Goodwill to Payless to Target...binge shopping and binge dressing. Probably not the healthiest way to engage this part of my life, but since that night, I've dressed at least partially 3-4 times a week, and it's like an antidepressant for me. Hell, I spent the better portion of tonight reading through the "How to Tuck" forum and messing around with different techniques.

I've only been chatting around here for two days, but dammit, I need this. I'm finally just being honest with myself about cross dressing and how much it means to me and how much a part of me it is, and that thrills me and makes me happy. But even though for my own part I'm happy with my feelings on who I am, I'm still stuck with no one to talk to. I'm not going to bring it up to my friends, I'm certainly not going to bring it up to my family or my girlfriend. Maybe some day, but not now. Not while it's the single solitary linchpin keeping my mind and my emotions balanced.

I realized just last night that I'm straight up desperate to share this with someone. Sitting around at home alone admiring my walk or the fact that I'm halfway capable at organizing an outfit isn't cutting it. I need some camaraderie, I need someone to share this experience with, friends, confidants, people who understand. Some folks sit around at a bar talking hockey or football (I certainly do)...I want some friends I can sit around a bar with and talk about nail polish and wigs while wearing heels and nice wrap dress. Desperate for that, frankly.

So far, I'm finding something close to that here, even just in an online forum. It's better than nothing and no one. Hopefully, I'll start meeting some locals who I can become friends with IRL. It's just plain time to embrace this and not deny it anymore.

I hope your girlfriend comes around, and I hope she can reconcile her misunderstandings of what this is all about for you. You're not wrong for dressing. You're not wrong for finally being honest with her about it, and being honest with yourself that it's not something you can just "be done with." For better or for worse, femininity is part of who you are, just like it's part of who I am, and part of who everyone is on this board. Maybe there's some way to present it that way to your girlfriend. I'm no expert, unfortunately, and I should give exactly zero relationship advice because I'm horrible at them. But feel free to message me or respond here. I'm happy to listen and chat. I know what it feels like to be lost and lonely.

[SexySarah0727]

How do you see it? You did hide it right? On he positive side again, you came clean about it. You cannot chang ethe past, you can only work on the future. She is hurt (you don't say how long you have been together) but this is a two way street, She isn't communicating with you and with out that you cannot go forward. You can only remain where you are. And it sounds like neither of you are enjoying this anymore...maybe time to move along

My ex-girlfriend posted on facebook that I was a crossdressing loser (incidentally because I was on a date with my current girlfriend). My current girlfriend happened to be friends with my ex on facebook so she saw the post and asked me about it. I denied at first but shortly after admitted that my ex supported me with it and shortly after the facebook post got rid of everything I had. Which was 100% true. I then suppressed and thought I could control my urges for a long time. I didn't honestly think I would go back to dressing. That to me isn't lying if I really thought I could control it. And I did control it for 3 years.

I've tried to bring it up to my closest friends a few times, but it never looked promising enough to get it out into the open. I dressed once for halloween, and my best friend and roommate at the time was so weirded out by it, so uncomfortable that it really threw me for a loop. He's a particularly liberal guy, works in social justice, but the whole concept of me in a wig and fishnets really put him off, so I never ever even tried to lean on him or be open with him about it again. It was just a halloween costume, teeheehe! Meanwhile, there I was, putting it out there as publicly as I was comfortable with, and I got rejection.

I went to dress for one Halloween a few years back and was so excited. I showed my friend and just by his reaction I stayed home and wanted to just be alone. I feel like my entire life every time I got enough courage to open up to anyone about this I just get shut down. My ex was the only instance where I didn't immediately get shot down. But then she cheated on me with mutiple people... so what does that say?

I've been dealing with a lot of personal and professional stress for the past few months, and like you, I hadn't dressed at all for years until recently. But pressure from everything going on in my life started to boil up, and one night as if I was in a trance, I found myself bouncing from Goodwill to Payless to Target...binge shopping and binge dressing. Probably not the healthiest way to engage this part of my life, but since that night, I've dressed at least partially 3-4 times a week, and it's like an antidepressant for me. Hell, I spent the better portion of tonight reading through the "How to Tuck" forum and messing around with different techniques.

When I started dressing again I spent more money than I could afford to on it. I never meant to and kept setting myself budgets like I do with everything, but when I saw something that fit me like I liked I just could couldn't help but to buy it. I have a checklist of things I still want, but am out of money right now. I cried the other night because I realized summer is already over and I didn't get to buy myself a pair of strappy sandals like i wanted and now I'll probably have to wait until next year...

I feel like something is wrong with me, but when I look in the mirror I now wonder how much more time my body will look as sexy in this dress or that pair of jeans before my body starts going to shit. I think about why I can't just go to work dressed the way I feel I should.

I work in IT. Not the most feminine job in the world, but I've always been a computer geek. Anyway, I make a more attractive woman than anyone I've ever worked with. I shutter to imagine what would happen if I were to go to work dressed. I so wish I could though.

[PaulaQ]

Hi Sarah,

My advice would be to locate a gender therapist in your area - a therapist can help you feel better about your cross dressing. Because as you noticed, the urge to do it didn't go away, and virtually all of us find that it does not. So all you can really do about it is come to accept it. They can also probably help you (and your girlfriend, if she'll agree to go with you) understand how this affects your relationship.

Your stress increasing the desire to CD is also very commonly reported.

Most of us don't understand that this stuff doesn't go away - we have good intentions and believe "I'm done with this for good." You didn't lie - you didn't knowingly deceive her. I hope that helps your guilt some. I wrestled with this myself.

I hope you can work things out with your girlfriend, but I'll be honest, as nasty as she's being about this, I think you should consider breaking up if you can't resolve this with her - that is horrible to consider, I know, but unless she can come to terms with this part of you that IS NOT going to go away, you're better off, in the long run, breaking up.

[dandy]

But then she cheated on me with mutiple people... so what does that say?

I don't know, really, what does that say? To me, it says she wasn't a great partner, but I wouldn't assume you'll never find that sort of happiness again. Because you can.

I went to dress for one Halloween a few years back and was so excited. I showed my friend and just by his reaction I stayed home and wanted to just be alone.

I don't know what else to say to this other than, yes, I know that exact feeling. That moment where you realize sometimes there's just not enough room in the world to be all of who you are.

I feel like something is wrong with me, but when I look in the mirror I now wonder how much more time my body will look as sexy in this dress or that pair of jeans before my body starts going to shit. I think about why I can't just go to work dressed the way I feel I should.

I identify so much with this. I'm constantly thinking exactly "why can't I just go to work dressed the way I feel I should?" Constantly. Now, my body has never thus far and probably will never look "sexy" in any dresses...but still, I mean, I see my receding hairline and massive bald spot and get really, really pissed off that I never took the opportunity to grow my hair out when I could. Makes me shudder.

[Catie2013]

I'm sorry to hear that she has treated you this way. CD won't go away and if that is who you are, you should be entitled to live an authentic life, just like everyone else on the planet. I hope, with a bit of time, she may still come around. Don't dismiss her immediately, she is going through shock/pain as are you. She may, like I did, start to question herself about her own identity. I ended up going to a therapist on my own to discuss this stuff. It was the BEST thing I could have done. I just wish the person I loved, could understand and accept me and that it took a little for me to understand the situation and how it applied to him, me and us. Good luck.

[Rachelakld]

I'm nearly 50, the urge to CD does not get any lesser but gets more intense. If these urges do not get any "out" time, it negatively effects our mood / mental health and changes the person we are.
You need to become the person that you want to be, and you should surround yourself with supportive people, not negative people.
Best of luck

[Marcelle]

Hi Sarah,

My heart goes out to you. While this forum is great for support and advice I really think the added benefit of a good therapist who specializes in such things would be wise. Whether your girlfriend wants to attend or not, you need to talk to someone who can provide some clarity to your emotional feelings at this juncture. Some of your statements cause me concern regarding your emotional well being and this may be related to CD or other events in your life to date.

We can all agree your girlfriend has the right to be mad, upset, angry, betrayed and hurt. She may not want to talk right away and may go into silent mode. But what concerns me the most is the invasive and slightly abusive approach she is taking to your relationship (checking your computer, phone, berating you). IMHO, this is not someone who has gone into "shock lock down" but someone who is attempting to "get some of her own back" by controlling the relationship. Relationships are two sided, not all the power resting with one person.

Not all SOs are going to be accepting of what we do and for those whose SOs don't agree the relationship either ends or they reach a DADT agreement. In the end the support is still there and relationship continues to grow. My one question is . . . Has she even seen remotely like she is coming around?

In the end sweetie, don't hate yourself for being who you are. You can not change (nor should you) yourself any more than you can stop the world from spinning. You are a person and you have the right to be who you are, beautiful in body and soul. If your girlfriend cannot accept that, as painful as it might be right now, she is not the right person for you IMHO.

Hugs

Isha

[TheMissus]

I'm sorry you feel lonely, but as a GG I get warning bells when anyone here talks about feeling 'sexy' when dressed or how much better looking than everyone else they are en femme.

Do you carry this attitude into your relationship? Are you this confident in guy mode, or only en femme?

I think therapy would be very helpful.

[Darla]

Hey Sarah - I'm sure a lot of us can sympathize with you here and even parallel what's going on with you in our own experiences. I know I can. You find yourself in a situation of your own making that really doesn't support who you are or where you want to be. And with someone who doesn't support you despite there being strong feelings and love between you. I came to realize how fallible love is when my wife has pretty much come out and said that my dressing in more than panties occasionally is pretty much cause for divorce. So I question why I find myself in a situation where someone can love me so completely yet hate and try to squash a part of me that's me. If that's where your girlfriend is at, and she's not going to be flexible on this, then both you and her deserve better. I personally feel that GGs are denying a great part of the diversity of life by outright clamping down denying a loved one joy. Does society hold such sway over our opinions?

You do deserve happiness and a chance to explore who you are and what you need. You may feel alone now, but don't think that this'll last forever. It won't. And your tomorrow will be all the better if you do what you need to do for yourself. This spoken from someone who's better at giving advice than acting on it. But we can all help each other to down the path that we seem to be collectively traveling.

Good luck
Darla

[kimdl93]

I hate to say this, but it seems to me that when youre having your phone and computer history reviewed, and being berated for being honest, albeit after a delay, about your desire to dress, then i think you need to ask some serious questions about the nature and value of your relationship. And you need to have that conversation with your GF.

You aren't committing a crime. Its not a character flaw and you're not a pervert. You shouldnt accept being treated like one. So, sit down and let her know how you feel being subject to this mistreatement. And ask her point blank if continuing a relationship with you as a CDr is going to be possible for her.

[SexySarah0727]

I'm sorry you feel lonely, but as a GG I get warning bells when anyone here talks about feeling 'sexy' when dressed or how much better looking than everyone else they are en femme.

Do you carry this attitude into your relationship? Are you this confident in guy mode, or only en femme?

Why is feeling sexy while dressing a bad thing?

I do have confidence outside of when I'm dressing. I do not need to be dressed to feel good about myself, but I feel more me when I am wearing short shorts or a skirt than I do in men's slacks.

And I don't tell my girlfriend how I look better than anyone dressed. I have barely gotten to open up to her because of the way she reacts. To be so blunt with her as to say it makes me feel sexy is more than she can even handle yet.


I would love to go for therapy. Heck, I've wanted to for other reasons for a while now. But right now I can't afford the cost of going to one.

[Amanda M]

Sarah - this woman is your GF, not your jailer. Ask yourself if this is this a good start to a healthy long term relationship.

[Joanne f]

Hello SexySarah0727,
I think your girlfriend is checking your computer and phone because she suspects you of doing something else other than just cross dressing and you have hinted on that in your post, " At the same time I feel sexier when dressed than ever, and just want to dress all the time and even imagine going out or doing other things while dressed.", is it possible that you have given her some idea of your thoughts as to what " other things" means , whatever it is she is not happy about it so you may need to put her mind at ease on that bit.

[DonnaT]

I hardly ever tell someone that they should break it off with a girlfriend, but in this case, I think you should.

The things she's done are far worse than your CDing. The way she treats you, after you've (apparently) forgiven her for her past deeds, is a clear indication she has no real love left for you. This leaves you depressed and increases your feelings of loneliness. Not good for the soul or the mind.

Once you free yourself of such a toxic relationship, you'll find more time to be yourself, and free get out and about. I'm sure there are a number of other CDers in your area, so there are likely to be a couple of spots they meet, etc.

[~Joanne~]

The simplest answer to your problems is to dump her. No one should have to live under anyone else's thumb and I am sure she would feel the same if the roles were reversed. Your past relationship was good on the CD side but bad in other places so you know there are GG's out there that understand this about as much as we do and don't have a huge problem with it. You need to find that kind of relationship again but without the "whatever" that made it go bad. Life's too short to be crapped upon by anyone for trying to be yourself.

[Sister Rachel]

Life's too short to be crapped upon by anyone for trying to be yourself.

Spot on, Joanne

[heatherdress]

Sarah - Seems like you really could benefit with some sessions with a good therapist. Advice from anyone is just that - advice.

If you are very lonely, your relationship is simply not working. Seems like you need friends - period. You should work on that.

[mikiSJ]

Sarah, please re-read your OP and ask yourself why you are still with this woman. What part of you is so bereft of satisfaction that you allow yourself to be humiliated, your privacy invaded...that you feel you must stay with her?

[Tina_gm]

You say that your ex gf supported you, yet she called you a crossdressing loser. That doesn't sound very supporting to me. She used the crossdressing against you. Loser would have been bad enough.... I would reiterate a lot of what Lorileah said, about how you did in fact lie about it. In fact your truth telling was partial at 1st as well. BUT, that does not give her the right to demean you in the manner in which she is now doing. My wife has struggled most with the fact that I hid this aspect from her until after we were married. That is harder than the cding itself, which she also states is very difficult to deal with. But, with only a couple of exceptions early on (I'll give her that, out of anger and frustration... and she quickly apologized) she has been very respectful of me. She can be angry and has the right to be about you not telling her, and denying it in fact. Demeaning you as a person is another matter altogether, along with your ex who has done the same.

[Tawne]

Two lines means the most here:
1. "She keeps telling me she doesn't want me to talk to anyone else but her about this, yet when I try to talk to her she calls me gay and berates me."
2. "At the same time I feel sexier when dressed than ever, and just want to dress all the time and even imagine going out or doing other things while dressed."

Your gf is ashamed and doesn't want this to get out, well at least until she is in a position to rid you. Your statement (no.2), clearly says you are enjoying this and you already have a plan which by the looks of things is going to make you really happy so...go for it! If you're gf loves you...or whatever that word mean these days, she is going to either forgive you and embrace you or she's just stalling until she can get out, whether you or her make the first move to end things, it's gonna hurt each way. Sorry ):

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sarah, I can't think of any good reason to stay in that relationship I can tell you that it's not going to end well
she sounds like a control freek.