Okay - Second Time Out - Not so good

[Marcelle]

Well,

Riding the high from my first little foray out (albeit quite a small outing), I decided to take my wife up on an offer to go to a nearby restaurant for a girls only meal. I guess I really should have done a reality check but I just felt so great yesterday I wanted to relive it (must be some kind of addictive surge of norepinephrine).

My wife and I worked on my make-up and outfit trying to find something casual but still trendy and fun (did not want to draw too much attention). The make-up we toned down a bit and brought my bangs further down to cover those crazy guy brows of mine. Hopefully the attachment works as it is what I wore this evening. Although I do not for a minute believe I looked like anything but a dude wearing women's clothing and a wig.

No real big issues driving to the restaurant though I did get a bit jumpy going through the nearby town when I had to stop at a light. People walked by but basically nobody looked or even cared. Another 20 minutes and we were in the parking lot. My heart felt like it was going to explode it was beating so hard. My wife gave me an out and said we don't have to if I don't want to do this. Oh well my motto has always been "in for a penny, in for a pound" (funny side story, that motto has always gets me in trouble - should have listened to my inner voice)

When we got to the entrance, two women walked out but didn't look our way. Once inside, I let my wife do the talking as my femme voice is still a work in progress. I believe the hostess guessed immediately as she gave me a bit of a funny look. We sat and waited. Now, I figured my wife could order for me but that would look a bit weird so I gave it a try. The waiter figured it out immediately but shrugged and took my order regardless. So good so far.

So things were going fine until about halfway through the meal. There is a small bar off the restaurant and had noticed three guys standing in the door looking our way, laughing and pointing . . . getting very uncomfortable now. I was not so much worried for myself but for my wife as the comments coming from them were loud enough to hear and were quite rude. Needless to say I was getting very self-conscious as a lot of patrons were now staring and there was some chuckling going on at other tables. I asked for the bill, paid and left. The manager did meet us at the door and apologized for what had happened and she was sorry some narrow minded people ruined our evening. I thanked her and we left.

I would like to say that was the end but unfortunately, when you mix narrow minded dudes and beer, it is not going to end well. They followed us outside and things got a bit heated. I was willing to walk away because it was directed at me but then one guy said something particularly rude about my wife. Now my wife always knows when I am about to loose it as apparently I get this look . . . she saw the look. She grabbed my hand and asked me not to ruin the evening and let it go. She then proceeded to gesture in their direction in a not so lady like manner.

The sight of my 5 foot 3 wife flipping the bird made me smile inwardly and I calmed and was about to walk when a second comment came our way. So male me was now driving the boat and I walked over to the group. One guy said "Look out he might hit you with his purse" That got some laughs. I was about to have at it but looked at my wife and I knew I couldn't let her gesture to accept and me, end on such a sour note of me getting into a fight.

So instead, in my male voice I simply said, "Are you kidding this purse if far too nice to waste it on a simpleton like you. Besides you are giving me grief, I'm going home with a beautiful woman who loves me, all I see are three dudes standing around with no women in sight . . . you guys on a date or something." Then because I was still in male mode I added (silently so my wife could not hear) "Now before you get it in your head to take a shot at me, decide amongst yourself which one of you is going to the hospital because I may not be able to take all three you but someone is going to wish they never tried."

There was a brief pause/awkward silence then the ring leader said "Ah the fag isn't worth it, let's go back inside and have some more beer".

Before they left, I couldn't help but say in my somewhat femme voice "Now that is the gentlemanly and wise thing to do boys. Have fun on your date" and proceeded to walk very femme back to our car.

So, this little foray has given me a bit of a reality kick and I think I will slow things down. C'est la vie . . . win some you loose some. But it was a bit of an adventure and it taught me that while some of us may be fortunate to blend in, my ugly mug is not going to make that possible . . . so I am afraid Isha will have to go back to living vicariously through male me.

Hugs

Isha

[Chiana]

It is a shame that jerks like that exist. Good for you for standing your ground. Sounds like you handled the situation well.

[Suzanne F]

Isha
So sorry! I doubt that would happen if you were out with the girls in our beautiful San Francisco. Please don't let those guys take away everything you have gained in the last few weeks!
Suzanne

[Beverley Sims]

Isha,
Yes it is a little reality check,
now it is one step back and later you can take two steps forward again.
That unfortunately is life.

[PaulaQ]

Isha, don't let haters stop you. It sucks that happened to you, and I'm glad no one got hurt. But these types of things happen sometimes. I bet it wouldn't happen again - there are assholes like that out there, but most people aren't like that.

If anything gave you away, it was probably your nervousness. Walk into a place like you own it - it helps.

I think you handled em pretty well, but you might have considered calling the police, you weren't doing anything wrong, but they surely were.

[Kim_Bitzflick]

In my opinion, you have all the more reason to go out. You handled the situation quite well & established yourself as you belong out there. Don't go hiding because of this.

[dandy]

I certainly hope you see this as a victory. If anything, you should have that much more confidence in going out - clearly, you can handle the heat like a pro.

Look, I don't want to get too maudlin, but this is actually a very inspirational story. I'm a big, big Isha fan right now.

[Julie Denier]

Sounds like you handled yourself well. Nicely done

[MissTee]

Nicely done. Sounds like you can handle whatever comes your way and that's a good thing. If it happened to me, at this point I would be wondering how my wife felt about things. It might be her desire to take it easy and inside she might be terrified from the experience. Could be wise then to give it a rest (as you suggest) for a spell and give both of you a chance to digest what happened and how to move forward.

I would think, too, that perhaps being out in po-dunk nowhere (where men are men and sheep are nervous) you weren't likely amongst the open minded crowd. Maybe next time visit someplace more noted for it's accepting nature.

[Rachelakld]

You did a lot better than I would have done, I probably would have left blood at the bar (hopefully theirs and not to much of mine)

[mbmeen12]

I am a believer the glass is half full. You had restraint and still held your ground. More important your wife believes in you and trusts your inner self to come up. Good on you...

[Christina Kay]

You did we'll. you looked great. You handled yourself as a lady should. You ventured where a lot of us can only hope too. And you have a wife who has your back. Does it get any better, to me I think not. Oh , you looked really good in your attachment. hugs

[NathalieX66]

Sorry to hear about your bad experience.
I've been out 1-4 times a month for the last four years.....you do the math, I can't do it anymore.

My first time out was at a hotel bar near a military base with plenty of military personnel, lots of army camo. My support group dragged me into it , the servicepeople were cool. That evening was fun.

The same support group also dragged me to an all night diner, near a drag stip, the car kind. It was midnight, and plenty of racecar crowd. We got heckled and shamed. Plenty of dirty epithets, That was that. Fortunately the restaurant owner & staff treated us like gold, and we were well defended.

[Marcelle]

Hi everyone,

Thanks very much for your kind words and support.

My wife and I did talk quite a bit about this after I posted. While MissTee is probably correct po-dunk nowhere was probably not a wise venue to try as the balance of probabilities would state that the intolerant will most likely outweigh the tolerant. We do believe it comes down to my presentation. It takes a whole lot of make-up to make this remotely feminine as my signature picture can attest. I am going to get made immediately, no matter where I go or what I do to look feminine. So I either have to learn to live with that or go back "house only mode".

My wife asked me if I enjoyed it and I had to admit there was a very intoxicating element to it. So we both agreed that we will slow down a bit and not rush to the next outing, but there will be another one, on that we both agree. We'll work on presentation and make-up (good luck there) before I venture out again. Then it will be in a larger area where blending might be easier (small steps again). Unfortunately, it will have to be very distant from my current residence as I cannot risk being discovered by work colleagues at this point . . . three more years and then I am out of the military and free to be fully out.

However, personal feelings/presentation aside, my biggest fear is that my wife almost saw a side of me I have never (nor hopefully ever) will allow her to see . In some ways, that side is even harder to embrace and integrate than Isha ever was. So I think I will need to work on that before any other big outings.

So is the end of Isha . . . not likely. I have come to like who I am becoming as I integrate myself with both halves. So there is not going back for me. Was this a wake-up call . . . Yup. Did it hurt . . . most definitely. Will it stop . . . Nope. I guess I'll just have to get better with make-up

Hugs

Isha

[CD_DIANE]

Hi Isha,

Several thoughts... First you handled the situation well. Fools and alcohol don't mix ! I can't help but wonder if the manager should have done more than she did. I also wonder about your last comment. I would think your wife would appreciate your willingness to stand up to the idiots. To me,it validates you as a person (in her mind) regardless of the clothing you are wearing ! Good job !

Diane

[sometimes_miss]

Isha, don't let haters stop you. It sucks that happened to you, and I'm glad no one got hurt. But these types of things happen sometimes. I bet it wouldn't happen again <snip>

As long as you're willing to bet your life, and your wife's on it. There are a lot of jerks out there that might NOT step back from a comment, for fear of losing face by backing down from a 'sissy'. Isha, you dodge'd a bullet. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it again, but I'd recommend being much more careful about where you choose to go 'out'. Getting into a fight in public is a no win situation for an adult. Do you really want to spend the night in jail in a dress? Probably not. Of course, if you like those kinds of adventures, well there you go.

[Maria 60]

Good job, but its to bad it even had to get that far. About a month ago we went out for dinner in a same type restaurant with a bar in the centre. A couple sat next to us, she was tall wearing a beautiful short summer dress and he was short and almost nerdy. There were guys at the bar checking her out and then they were walking by to go to the washroom they were bumping into her making it seem like an accident and trying to look up her skirt. I wasn't enjoying my meal because we were hearing them chuckling about her and we knew that they could hear. So I turned to the couple and said to him I don't know why they put these bars in family restaurants and why people just can't mind there own business and make us enjoy our meal. I told him that I am not much of a fighter but if your willing to go let me know I got your back, I hate what these guys are saying about your girl and I hate that they are acting like this because they are in big numbers. He turned to and said is it OK if we leave together in case theses drunk guys decide to do something studied. I said ok and wouldn't you know it when we walked out a few of them walked out behind us and where still making remarks about his girl. We got to his car and he thanked us and said to me that he felt like a wimp not saying anything to them. I told him he did the right thing there were about ten of them that even superman would have been out numbered and to me it's a word for a word an action for a action and at the end of the day you are going home with your girl hand in hand and we all know the only thing those guys are going to have in there hand tonight. They laughed and thanked us again and they felt bad theses guy even spoiled our night and asked us if they could buy us coffee and cake somewhere else. We said no thanks we already had to much excitement for one night. Thank God we didn't fight I was underdressed and at the end I could have been the big joke. It just goes to show it not just a cross dressing to be a problem some people just love to cause trouble and alcohol doesn't mix. I hope your not to disappointed and don't make a few bad apples put you down.

[kimdl93]

I hope this doesn't dampen your enthusiasm or your wife's for sharing experiences together. Too bad the morons happened to be out.


you look cute in the pic! Great smile!

[Sarah Beth]

I think you handled the situation pretty well. I'm not so sure I could have kept my temper in check well enough to have remained that much in control.

Just think about this though. Guys like that are bullies, they were out there looking for someone they could pick on to make themselves feel more macho. You probably kept them from finding someone weaker they could bully.

I also wonder after all that how much longer they were allowed to stay in the place. Trouble makers in a place that like drive away customers and that's bad for business.

[linda allen]

As long as you're willing to bet your life, and your wife's on it. There are a lot of jerks out there that might NOT step back from a comment, for fear of losing face by backing down from a 'sissy'. Isha, you dodge'd a bullet. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it again, but I'd recommend being much more careful about where you choose to go 'out'. Getting into a fight in public is a no win situation for an adult. Do you really want to spend the night in jail in a dress? Probably not. Of course, if you like those kinds of adventures, well there you go.

That's some good, real world advice. Think about it seriously. Nobody wins a street fight, everybody goes to jail.

Isha, next time (please don't let this one time stop you), pick a better place to go. If you choose a restaurant, chose one without a bar. Choose more of a family restaurant. There are other places to go of course. Parks, museums, movies, etc. where there are less apt to be this type of guys hanging out looking for trouble.

[Dana921]

I would add my support from the others here to you! Avoiding a fight was the right thing to do especially with your wife there for no other reason than she is left unprotected and potentially vulnerable if you are not physically able to be there for her after the fight.

I would also encourage you to continue being you and presenting as you wish. As with any endeavor, the more you do it the better you will get. Presentation is often more about confidence, mannerisms, and overall attitude of knowing whom and what you are, this will get most people to accept you even if they have read you and do not understand why! It may not make the experience any less emotionally hurtful, but the good part is when you are complimented, get your first mam, have a door held open for you by a gentleman those bad experiences will seem less significant. One of the best weapons we all have at our disposal is to SMILE! This carries the day often in being treated politely and even nice! People want to be with other happy people, and when we are presenting and being whom we feel we are, well, we should be amongst the happiest in the world!

[Marcelle]

Getting into a fight in public is a no win situation for an adult.

That's some good, real world advice. Think about it seriously. Nobody wins a street fight, everybody goes to jail.

Hi Linda and Sometimes_miss.

Yes, very sage advice. I have spent a greater part of my adult life fighting either competitively or as part of my job. There is one constant . . . nobody wins a street fight. That was one (not the only) reason I did not pursue and altercation. Somebody would have got hurt physically leading to most likely an awkward police moment but my wife would have been hurt emotionally . . . nobody wants to see a love one loose it to the point of utter abandonment . . . not a pretty picture.

Will definitely be more careful on venue for a future outing.

Thanks and hugs

Isha

[FeliciaCDSNJ]

I think you handled that rather well,better than I would have handled it. You shouldn't hide yourself because you shown so much confidence. You go girl!

[Sophie Yang]

Isha,

First off, I think that you and your wife are an inspiration to a lot of the girls here. Why?

In one of your posts, I believe you said something to the effect that going into combat was easier than going out because you are going out as a team. I remember reading that incredulously and saying to myself, “Really, are you kidding me.” And yet here you are out twice in a very short period of time.

I also remember in one of your posts that you could not have your picture out in the public. I am so glad that you did not deck those guys. I suspect that if police mug shots are not part of the public domain, it doesn't take much to get access to them. Whatever the provocation, it is not worth tarnishing 17 years of military service. I am not sure if there is also the risk of reduction or loss of your pension as a result of such an altercation. Anyway, something more to think about. I just read Princess Warrior. If I recall correctly, one of the Navy Seal Team 6 members who bagged Osama Bin Laden, after 17 years of service has no pension because he left the Seals. Now that just seems so wrong to me on so many levels. But that is a different discussion.

For those who go out, there are two camps. Those who have not been called out and those who have. Unfortunately, over time, most of the first group ends up in the second group.

I belong to a T-Girl group and one of the girls had a similar incident which she posted. I could not find the post. But she handled it a little bit differently. She was in a restaurant with a bar. As I recall she was talking on her cell phone when some drunk farmer, sitting with his wife, called her out across the restaurant. Initially she just ignored him, but the farmer kept taunting her. Finally, she slowly turned around and looked straight at him and said in her male voice something like “what is your problem, that I am talking on my cell or that I am wearing a dress?”

Now insecure people really hate that awkward silent period, especially if they have been called out. Eventually they will fill it with some dribble. The more the farmer dribbled, the worst he looked. The patrons at the restaurant were riveted to basically the farmers diatribe. The restaurant staff is ready to intervene on her behalf. She finally says something like, “lets not ruin everyones dinner. Lets just have management choose which one of us should pay and leave” and stares at him. He finally says “F...it, lets go.” Her parting remark as the farmer and his wife are about to leave...”and I hope you have a son just like me!”, probably with a tilted head and a coy smile. Management told her she was welcome back any time and the farmer was not.

In summary, she acknowledge that she was a cross dresser and took the verbal jousting directly back to her antagonist in a public forum.

What I found fascinating about your post was when they followed you and your wife out and Isha walks over for a man-to-man talk. Your professional training gives you a skill set and more importantly a mind set that most of us do not have. In an emergency, most people flee the scene. Yet first responders, because of their training, go rushing in to serve and protect.

Anyway these guys seem like old high school bullies who grew up, but never matured emotionally. I have no background in sociology or psychology, but I suspect that they were really surprised you had the backbone to take the verbal jousting to them. Based on the dialog, it sounds like your lines were cleanly directed at their male insecurities and more importantly, delivered face to face. I suspect that there bravado was waning when you walked over to them engaging them in verbal jousting. It sounds like it totally waned when the talking stage is over and it is time for action. Talk is so cheap.

I see a little psychological warfare going on here. One against three, not very good odds. At least one person is willing and very confident to put it all on the line face to face, now. One side has given the other side something to think about, something with an unpleasant outcome. I cannot imagine thinking and fighting go hand in hand especially if it is hand-to-hand. It is not only what you said, but how you said it, with confidence and as a matter of fact, that also gave them second thought. After the fact, it is always easier to come up with the line never thought of at the moment...”but someone is going to wish they never tried. I have instructed my wife to call for ambulances if this goes down.”

It is not stated in your post, but my reading between the lines is the leader, or at least the mouth piece, had already been picked out. If fists flew, I assume, depending on proximity, he would have been the first to go down. And if he did go down quickly, the “spirit” would have left the other two.

If I could rewrite the fairy tale ending to your post...”Before they left, I couldn't help but say in my somewhat femme voice "Now boys, lets be grown ups. No hard feelings. I believe we owe the restaurant an apology. How about we go all back in apologize and have that drink.”

Ballsy yes. If anyone could have pulled it off, I think Isha could have. It takes a lot of practice and confidence to go out. Just need to transfer the confrontation confidence you displayed to Isha confidence and you will be out and about.

Be safe. Love reading your posts.

Hugs,

Sophie

[Stephanie47]

You handled the situation in a proper manner. I agree, alcohol and idiots do not mix well. If you had decided to come to blows with those knuckle draggers, and, the police were called, you could have ended up with a much worse situation. Your presentation as a woman, while being in the military, may not have faired well with the military.

Fortunately in Washington State gays, lesbians, transsexuals, and, gender expression are protected by law. To act negatively toward a cross dresser would be a hate crime in addition to the principal charge. Too many states do not offer this added protection.