Scared of the future, but need it to come

[Amy A]

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a state again. I've been speaking with parents, friends and my employers about my impending transition. The upshot of this is that I'm planning to go full time in all aspects of my life at New Year, so my male self won't exist beyond 2013. In the meantime, in my personal life, I'll be spending more and more time as Amy; I'm planning nights out with a female friend to raise my confidence, and I'm meeting my family as Amy for the first time a couple of weeks into October. So it's good progress, right?

What I want to ask, of those of you that have been through this, is how afraid were you, and how did you deal with that fear? I can't live on as a man anymore, I know that totally, but the prospect of the initial few weeks of full time at work is utterly terrifying me. I don't look terrible but I know I don't pass yet, even if there's hope that one day I will look better, and the realisation that all of the little things, like going to the supermarket, going for a drink etc will be a completely different proposition.

Any help/advice appreciated. If I don't get over my own confidence issues I don't know what I'll do.

[arbon]

It was terrifying, really.

Not easy to do, to put yourself out there like that. It affects so many things in your life - family, friends, employment, finances - and you don't know how it is really going to go until it happens. I had to keep reminding myself to take it a day at a time, I talked a lot with supportive friends, I prayed a lot. I also had to keep things in perspective, not panic before I really knew what the outcome was going to be in any given situation. Looking back my fears were much worse than the reality (not to say there were not some big problems, but I got through them)

Also as you are going through you do gain more confidence in yourself. I became a lot tougher through the whole process. Where I used to always have this problem of worrying about what people thought of me I don't anymore, I became more comfortable in my own skin and in what I was doing. What others thought stopped mattering.

[Dawn cd]

I think of you ladies akin to soldiers going into combat—landing on a beach or jumping out of an airplane into the unknown. Your bravery in the face of so many uncertainties just astonishes me. I will pray for you.

[Rachelakld]

Hi Amy,
not able to help but say "shit happens" and always be true to yourself.
The thing that won't change is you will still be you.
I will also pray thing go well for you
Also we had Georgina Beyer, an amazing New Zealand TG woman

[Angela Campbell]

I haven't "been through this" but I am in progress. I find lately that yes I did fear tomorrow so much and lately I seem to just look at it all like...whats the worst that can happen? The hardest part was telling my Mom and kids so the rest is really up no matter the outcome. I just faced my worst fear head on and once that was over the rest are small potatoes I guess.

I still wonder what tomorrow will bring, but it can't be worse than yesterday.

[Badtranny]

This is what separates the cotton from the seeds, so to speak.

If transition (REAL transition) were easy than this forum would be full of TransitionerS.

You are going to be afraid, sometimes terrified, but following your heart is a daunting process no matter WHAT the goal is. What is the price of freedom? What is the cost of letting fear make your decisions? Fear can be a good servant but a very poor master because it is ignorant. Fear knows nothing of freedom, and pride, and victory. Fear only knows hiding, and ego, and defeat. Not a master I care to serve.

Accept yourself, respect yourself and express yourself. Acknowledge the fear, then ignore it.

[Ann Louise]

Hi Amy,

My first suggestion is that you consider working on dropping the concept of "passing" from your thinking. IMHO, passing is a concept most applicable to cross-dressing. As a transsexual woman I would suggest that, rather, you don't want to be "mistaken" for a man to the extent that you can help it. A perhaps subtle mental shift, but meaningful and useful, nonetheless. You are a woman already, right? Right!

Secondly, unless you are very fortunate due to your youth in evading the damage that testosterone does to your body, you will likely have some residual characteristics you'll have to learn to accept, like big hands and feet, being very tall or wide-shouldered, or overcome, like the voice, that darn voice! And I'll leave bad taste in clothes up to you... So continue to study, learn, and interact as a woman with lots and lots of other real-life transwomen and genetic women. You'll develop pride and genuine self-respect as a transwoman by actually living your life and continually touching base with women as a woman, not intellectualizing about it.

And finally, regarding fear. What are you more afraid of Amy, being mistaken for a man and feeling a momentary flush of embarrassment, or wasting year after year of your precious life, that you could have had as a vibrant, healthy young woman, living instead as a drab hollowed-out male shell assembled with gender preconceptions that were never yours to begin with? Now that answer should be obvious, no?

Learn and accept yourself by living your genuine life. Thinking it through is not enough. You develop it by actually doing it. So go and do it.

All the best to you dear,

)0( Ann )0(

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Amy, I think that the biggest thing that helped me overcome the nerves and doubts about transitioning was the thought of what the alternative would do to those I care about.

Like Steph has shared, I had a thousand doubts about what would happen on the first day I was actually me, but luckily most of the didn't materialise.

I had quite a lot of people who needed to know about me beginning transition, and I was afraid of what the reaction of each and every one of them would be - from disgust to disappointment to feeling hurt etc. but I tried to channel that fear into energy that I used preparing for how I would tell them. It didn't stop the trepidation, but at least the fear didn't paralyse me.

I never kidded myself that starting transition would make me look like Raquel Welch (the best I could hope for is Glenda Jackson as she is today) but when I got really nasty responses - like the articles in the Scum or the Daily Wail, I tried to remember the family motto

Nils Illegitimus Carborundum

(Don't let the b*****s grind you down). Incidentally that is the same advice that I received a couple of years ago from Tony Booth.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I can add that once you put yourself out there, you will very likely be surprised that the nuts and bolts of transition are the hard part...fear and its sister anxiety are really tough to deal with but moreso at the beginning..

its like giving a speech...once you get going the butterflies stop and its not a problem..

but you still want to give a good speech and that's really hard..

[thechic]

Hi there
I hope all the best for you, I don't know what advise to give you, but I did the coming out thing about 3 years ago, it was sort of gradual with my looks before hand, at first I was all nerves, but soon as one of my friends saw me as a girl the word spread like wild fire, instantly I lost 99 percent of my friends, I did tell my family first and all except my sister were ok with it, ended up leaving the one hoarse town.
The good thing is im still married have new friends my kids still love me and I enjoy life no depression thing because I can be the true me all the time.

[emma5410]

Hi Amy,

I am not sure if I should reply because it will seem very negative. I have already told you in previous PMs about some of the issues I had. I found the first few months very tough and it is only in the last couple of months that I feel I have turned the corner. My personality tends to be a bit negative and that did not help at all.

The two bits of advice I remember are do not go full time unless you have to and even then do not do it. Of course if you are where you are now, and where I was last January, then you do not have any choice.

I can remember the panic and fear I felt last December as the date got closer. I came the closest I ever have to suicide in that period. It was a vicious combination of GD and needing to go full time and the terrible fear of what would happen when I did. As I said all pretty negative.

Despite the above I am still here. I went full time and survived the experience. It really is like stepping off a cliff. If I was to offer practical advice I would say the following.
The reaction of others is often based on a very quick glance. If you appear and act feminine (without going over the top) then they probably will not look at you twice.
The most important place to 'pass' (probably the wrong word) is in your head. If you believe in yourself and do not let others undermine you with their negative reaction then you will be fine. As long as there is no physical threat then strangers really are not that important. Or at least they are not unless you let them.
I just go about my business now and do not pay much attention to other people. Do some people stare at me? Possibly. I am pretty ugly. Do they read me. Who cares as long as they mind their own business.

As I said it has been a struggle but it is so much better. In fact it was worth it to finally be able to be myself after a lifetime of denial. I would actually go through it all again to feel the way I do now.

I know from our conversations that you will make it however tough it gets.

I know you have lots of friends and support but I am in the same city so if you ever need to talk or go for a coffee I will be happy to do so. After I went full time it was good to just unload to someone at the end of bad day.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It seems crazy but Emma' conflicting advice is pretty spot on..

Don't do it unless you have to.
If you have to, still don't do it..

but if you do it, its worth it!!!

I agree!!! you can't make this stuff up and it highlights how surreal this experience is for us!!

[vallerie lacy]

Amy
Just want to wish you the very best for your future. You look lovely

[Jorja]

Well, compared to the most of you here (length of time since transition), I do live in the future. Most of what is talked about on this forum, I have been there, done that and have worn out the tee shirt many times over. I can tell you this about the future, it will be there when you arrive. I agree that there are some really scary things that we must conquer during transition to get where we need to be. For me, the mental aspect was the worst. The physical changes were simple compared to the mental challenges transition presents. It is up to you to meet those challenges as they arise. Other than that, while your future is an important aspect, spend more of your time and efforts working on today and the things you can do right now to move forward. Do not waste time worrying about yesterday. That is past and you cannot change things that happened.

[sandra-leigh]

Earlier on, when I was posting more in the MTF section, people would sometimes comment on how "brave" I was. But I didn't feel brave: I was just doing what I had to do. That didn't mean it wasn't scary to do, but it wasn't really a "choice".

Someone who jumps into a river to save someone drowning, they had a choice about that, they didn't have to risk their life, and their life would have gone on (though perhaps with guilt) if the did not go to the rescue, but they took the choice: that's brave.

When I did things like first walk down the busy trendy-shop street in a dress, I was doing what I had to do. The alternative was not to continue on unchanged: the alternative was to fail. The boulder is rolling this way and if you don't jump into the river you get hit with it and you go home broken. Jumping then is not "brave", it is "survival".

[Kimberly Kael]

What I want to ask, of those of you that have been through this, is how afraid were you, and how did you deal with that fear?

I suspect that anyone who won't admit to dealing with fear as they approach transition is either incredibly naive or overtly deceptive. It's a big deal. Therefore very real risks, and there are always a lot of unknowns. What I focused on was making sure that I had done my homework and had done as much as possible to smooth the process, and that what felt like the most likely outcome had more upside than downside for me.

If I don't get over my own confidence issues I don't know what I'll do.

Confidence is important. If you're not ready, you're not ready, and the timeline is yours to set so that shouldn't be a problem. It more important to make sure you take the time to get properly prepared before you pull the trigger. As someone else has observed, it might help if you stopped worrying about "passing." I found it much more productive to focus on being accepted.

[stefan37]

The hardest for me is stepping out of my comfort zone. Transition is a very public process. There no more hiding. And as you progress farther. You must constantly step out of your comfort zone. The fear must be ignored. To succumb to fear will stagnant your progress. I have also found people seem to be ok and accepting to your face, then turn around talk behind your back. Face your fear, step out of your comfort zone, keep your eye on the target and you will reach your goal.

[Amy A]

Thanks for the replies, it's actually been one of the most useful range of responses I've had here. My voice coach (thanks to Emma for the recommendation ) gave a some advice that's pretty much exactly what Melissa said as well: Feel the fear, and do it anyway.

It's tought to know the best way forward now. From experience I usually am scared of most things but push myself through them, and once I've started then my confidence builds. This, though, is a whole other level to anything else. Even as the completely forgetable man that I've been pretending to be for so long, I'm not good with crowds, and I avoid confrontation at all costs.

I need to do this, if I can't then I'm going to be in a very bad place, so I'm hoping that I can just force myself through the initial period and start to relax. I've arranged to meet a friend as Amy on my return from holiday next week in a local pub, and I'm already starting to fixate on it a bit, but I know it will be an important step for me. I'm not quite sure what to do about the neighbours (I live on the top floor of a huge victorian house that's been converted into flats, there are 7 other flats), I was debating sending a note around but thought it might come across as weird.

I always new tis wouldn't be easy but perhaps the reality is starting to hit home a bit, and if there was any way out of this I'd take it straight away. There isn't though, I have no choice. I think the comments on passing are right; I need to concentrate less on that and more on being. That again comes down to confidence, dropping the act and letting my real self come to the fore. I think it will take time, but perhaps I might surprise myself.

When any of you have had bad comments in the street etc, how did you deal with them? I mean less about your immediate response to the aggressors and more about how you managed to put it to one side. I tend to dwell on negatives quite a bit, and any kind of run in with others can stay with me for a long time. I wish I could just ignore other people's 'opinions', but that skill really won't come to me over night and the best I can hope for is that I learn it over time as Arbon suggests.

Whatever happens, I'll give it my best shot. I'm a bit worried that I'm just to emotionally weak and fragile to be able to do this but equally I'm concerned that I'm convincing myself I'll fail, so perhaps it's best that I stop overthinking it and start taking action?

Thanks again.

Amy x

[I Am Paula]

I'll add a completely different take. One day I said to myself 'I don't need to change back anymore.'
And I was full-time.

[Angela Campbell]

I am going slow for my employer and to get more time for electro, but changes are taking place and it is getting pretty obvious. It will not be very long before I just cannot hide it anymore. I get maamed when I am trying to look like a man, more and more often lately. So I guess full time will pretty much be whenever there is no doubt, or when I get the name and gender change. I don't really care anymore. The change is happening I cannot stop it and I don't want to. The only male clothes I wear anymore is a polo shirt with the company logo on it. I wear it extra large to hide my chest. (only at work)

So I guess for me the question is...what is full time? I don't try anymore and if I am mistaken for a man, who cares. I still have a male ID so I guess when I get that changed is when I will be full time.

[Badtranny]

I'm concerned that I'm convincing myself I'll fail, so perhaps it's best that I stop overthinking it and start taking action?

Stop thinking. Start doing.

One of the many lessons I learned racing motocross was; passing is an active process. I mean passing in the sense of passing the dude in front of you. Thinking isn't going to make it happen. Only earnest doing.
You don't have time to think, or to be concerned about form or technique. You have to do it and you have to do it now because you may not have another chance.

Thinking is good, doing is better.

Transition is a decision your heart makes, because your head would never do it.

[Lorileah]

I'll add a completely different take. One day I said to myself 'I don't need to change back anymore.'
And I was full-time.

I sort of did that too. My only problem so far is that I have friends who seen to think I can change back and forth at will still and that if they want me in male mode they just ask.

Was there fear? Sure, I wondered what people would say and how others would react. I still think that everyone is staring. When that happens I just stand up straighter and hold my head higher. For me though just doing it was better than the look "this way" during the day and change at night. I don't know I would recommend that for anyone though. For me when I decide to do something I usually go all out.

[Deborah_UK]

I think its healthy to have those fears and anxieties, but you've been working towards the moment, putting your support networks in place, taking steps to do things leading up to the "big" day. I prepared a little bit by having a mini "RLE" about a month or so before going full time while on holiday in Spain.

I understand that you are transitioning in situ at work so you need to be prepared for people to still use your old name, but they will soon get used to calling you Emma, you will get some who won't initially accept your transition, but I'm sure they will be outnumbered by those who will support you. And bear in mind they will be scared too!! They won't want to upset you and will scared of slipping up.

But you seem to have put things in place, there will be last minute nerves but that will be nerves not fear. Further down the line you will look back and think "what the heck was I scared about?"

Carry on doing what you're doing, spend more time doing ordinary things as Emma and the big day will just become the first day of the rest of your life.

I won't say good luck - luck has nothing to do with it, but I will give you my best wishes and hope your transition was a smooth as mine was (OK there were a few hiccups! LOL), and there's no reason why it shouldn't because you've prepared.

But try not to fall into the paranoia that I know some experience - if you hear people laughing when you walk by, they are more than likely laughing at something one of them had said about something they are talking about and that something is not you! you have to realise - not everyone is looking at you, you're not that important!

An example for me was I'd had snowballs thrown at my windows, I thought, omigod its because I'm trans, but no, my neighbours had exactly the same experiences, it was just kids being bloody annoying!

[VickyMI]

Wow Ann one of the most succinct post I have read on this site. Well done.