CD/TVs becoming TSs
Is there anyone here who believes that they are a CD/TV but are quickly moving towards being a transsexual? Or were you CD/TV and are now sure you are transsexual?
And what do you think caused your change in perception?
Or do you feel you simply labeled yourself incorrectly and you were always a latent TS?
Fiona xx
i am a cd/tv wanting to be a ts
Every TS is different, as is every CD. I am sure that you are right in that some people may CD as a way to quail feelings that get stronger. In many TS though crossdressing really never occurs until they decide to transistion.
It all depends.
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Occupying my own end of the gender spectra...
I beleive that all of us CDs suspect that we may be TS, especially when we first start. Untill later we eventually realize that our desire to be a woman is really a fantasy about getting the ultimate CD "rush" or whatever we get from CDing.---Eventually get to the stage "Yeah its fun to think about, but it really would be a bummer to be stuck as a real girl". Thats why i caution Cders, especially young ones against being too hasty to make a decision. Indeed, this type of thing is exactly why Doctors recommend a lot of psychotheripy before SRS operations.
There are other reasons guys want to become women other than TS. Ultimate sexual rushes, Masochistic fantacies and a drive for more and more complete CD experiences.----Yes, the desire to BE a woman is THERE and it is difficult ro discern from actual TS-----Of course a few unfortunates find out the hard way that the surgery is not what they really wanted.----It us usually cited as a cause of suicides among post op TS patients.
I beleive if we CD long enough and actively examine the possibilities behind our own CD motivations, the truth will eventually become evident if we are CD or TS or not. My advice is never to "settle" on a conclusion too soon.
I am not sure just exactly where I am at on the cd scale but I have a very strong urge to become a complete woman. I feel like I am running out of time. I would probably do it now if I did not have the family committment.
It is tricky territory.
I assume you are 44 as your id suggests? Is your 'very strong urge' driven by this sense of urgency to do something before its too late? Or have you always felt strongly that you wanted to be a complete woman.Originally Posted by jamie_44
Fiona xx
Good advice, Marina.
Is being TS or being CD - simply a question of degree? Degree of urge and motivation? rather than a fundamental psychological difference.
Fiona xx
TS, by my definition, is the condition where a bio male feels that he/she is in the wrong body---a male with a female brain, so to speak. Of course they will Cross Dress--they think that they are suposed to be women. more often than not though, having a female brain, they will be sexually attracted to other males. That may be a good indicator, although there are exceptions.
A CD cross dresses to escape from himself for a while or to express what he thinks is his female side---the CD is USUALY hetrosexual (there are some exceptions). there is also a sexual turn on element also (autoerotic) other CDs may have a fetish for female clothing or have a masochistic streak that turns them on.
----CDs also often THINK that they want to become women too, BUT when it all shakes down, its only for the prospects of the ultimate "blast", feeling or whatever CD does for them---But the urge is so great that it is very difficult to see beyond the "becoming a woman" thing.
I think one has to sit back and analyze one's self. Are you Hetro or homo, are you attracted to men--if so is it all the time or under certian conditions? What is the best thing about being a woman? Why do u CD?--etc. One can usually build up a personal profile that can permit a more clear image or reason one might persue becomming a female. It is important that FEELINGS can LIE in this situation driven by strong primal urges, so the more pure facts you can assemble about yourself the easier it will be to compair to known characteristics of real TSs and typical CDs.
Personally, I discovered that I CD for the RUSH I get by crossing IDENTITY lines.---And for the release of stress that exists in my male mode.---I thought i wanted to be a woman too at one time---but really for the above reason--I am sure that it WOULD be a rush and would be relaxing---for a while-- THEN I would be STUCK in another identy with a new set of stresses. NO, SRS is not for CDs, its pointless,. Its only forTS people who need their bodies to match their brains--and become a normally functional human.
Thank you for your response Tiffany. It's not one I had considered.
Why do you want to be ts?
Fiona xx
Hi Tiffany,
I think I may have not given your post enough thought. But I am interested in what you mean? Why do you want to be ts?
Fiona xx
Hi Fiona, Easy to say that but very hard to do,but life is short and the truth will set us free,if we will demonstrate it.You would be a great host for a TV show,he he.Anyway I keep a leash on myself to not go so far I loose the things that keep me going or happy.So 30+ years later and 6 years of hormones am I ts well probally by most descriptions but maybe not.I'am out as a guy with boobs and cder sure,but dont present myself as a woman to spare the feelings of my family and friends.Yes it starts somewhere like cding,and ends when we die and until then it grows like fire .Never say never as to ohh..its only a panty thing for me,..I'm 100% hetro,I could never do that [post opp]. Very thoughtful questions you ask,we have met at Rose's before a couple of years ago,who knows what changes we will see in our trans ---- trip,for me it is at least a little bigger boobs as each year passes and only we can control ourselves if we choose too as to how far on the CD---TS spectrum we go.I love my family as much so I reside in between a man and a woman where we can coexist contently with those who dont care for our ways.
Hi Sierra,
Yes, I do remember you - you and I were often the only two left on the Board when the Brits had all gone to sleep. But not as Sierra.
You are very much an example of taking a different route. Are YOU content in your middle path? Or is it a sacrifice?
Fiona xx
Hi all,
I used to think I was "just" a TV when I was younger - I got sexual kicks out of girls things for example, and it was the only term I found that seemed to describe me (oh how things would have been different if I had the Internet then). CDing started to loose interest a few years ago though in my case - I never got all that into it (certainly never went out!) and in the last 5 years or so it has just depressed me since that horrid male face still looked back from the mirror.
Anyway, I never crossdressed all that much, and just tried to supress my feminine ambitions, constructing a totally normal and convincing male persona - I even got married!
Now, however, I have finally been able to admit to myself what I had been hiding all those years, and it has been totally wonderful.It is a curious concept to me of a TV thinking they are a TS at a young age - gawds if only I had come across the term in my teens let alone anything else - perhaps I would not have wasted all this time!
Anyway, I firmly fall into what most people would classify as a secondary transsexual - ie. someone who developed a male persona and supressed their true female one, but still had a deep inner desire to be a girl from their teenage years.
However, I would urge caution to all TVish folk who find themselves flirting with the idea of a sex change, or think they are TS. Think long and hard - there are lots of cases of people who transitioned for bad reasons, and often there are clear signs such as them being fairly "hardcore" crossdressers. If it is about the clothes, then don't do it. This article is good:
A WARNING FOR THOSE CONSIDERING MtF SRS
Katie.
Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me...
This is such an interesting thread, thank you Fiona...
I classify as a Transsexual woman, but from the age of 20 to the abe of 32, i was convinced i was just a transvestite...
I first asked for treatment for my gender issues when i was 19, back in 1992, and as i was depressed, i was refused treatment, and then tried to make a "male life" for myself... wife, children, mortgage, 2 cars, own business and allt he sorts of things people expect from a "succesful" bloke... I even stopped Xdressing because my partner asked me to before we married, so i did for getting on for 6 years. I was so convinced i would never pass as a woman, i was told by the junior psychiatrist who treated me back in 1992 that i was too big, too ugly, too hairy, too tall to ever pass as a woman, and that kind of negative criticism really had an impact on me... I just dived into a "male construction", i took to comfort eating and being quite socially withdrawn, i put weight on, and in that time, i put on about 7 stone...
I always "knew" something was wrong, and for years tried to convince myself i was just a transvestite, but every time i read something about transsexuals, i felt a kind of "kinship" and did never feel that the dry medical/ dictionary definitions of "trnasvestite" didn't really cover me...
It's been a long tough road, and getting to the point where i went out in the wide world as a woman took 32 years, and i shall never forget that night as long as i live... I found that i could go out and pass, i could be "accepted" as a woman...
I knew that night that i should try to seek treatment again, but i took 8 weeks out, and attempted to sort my thoughts out, and then i went into London for a weekend, and spent the whole weekend as a woman, and from then i knew that i should attempt to transition...
I've had to wait for a long time to get into the NHS system, and i am just on the threshold of my first appt at Leicester GIC... but i still don't know if transition is actually for me...
I've already lost my business due to economic conditions rather than my own incompetance, my marriage is a sham, but had been going down hill for a few years anyway... Maybe we'll stay together, maybe we won't...
So Alexis, i don't really know what to say, For all intends and purposes, i am a TV who then identified TS, but then i think i have always been TS, but die to my own life experiences, it was easier to define myself as a TV, as that kind of took the pain away...
I also think my "fundamental" outlook on Christianity had it's toll on me, and shaped some of my thoughts, and for years i thought i was "dirty" and "evil" for wanting to be a woman...
Sorry for the long rambling post, but that's exactly where i've come from...
Rebecca
Last edited by BeckyCath; 12-28-2005 at 10:45 AM.
Hi Rebecca - how are you? I've seen your posts elsewhere.
You really recognised you were TS, or at least were GD, earlier on? I can relate to your bad experiences with the psychiatrist [s]. I also had a bad experience were he final comment after rejection was 'don't go bush' - meaning don't DIY a transition. This also resulted in me trying to shoehorn myself into the normal male life.
Did you marry after your bad psych experience? Or was marriage always on the cards for you?
Fiona xx
Hi Fiona, I'm doing well thank you, how are you? Been missing you in the english Rose garden...
Yes i guess i did... i always identified easier with the girls, and i remember at about age 5, one of my cousin dressing me as a girl, for a "family play" with her brother and my brother, and i remember doing the part, and feeling like i was actually being real... but i didn't actually conect then, it took me till i was a bout 13 to realise, and every night i went to bed and prayed that i would wake up female, and this male lark would have been some awful night mare...You really recognised you were TS, or at least were GD, earlier on?
They can easily screw someone up... but back in the early 90's, even tho it was more "acceptable" not as much theorising and research had ben done, so we were kind of stuck with old school stuff, and if the psychiatrist had no interest in gender psychology, then there was no help given really...I can relate to your bad experiences with the psychiatrist [s]. I also had a bad experience were he final comment after rejection was 'don't go bush' - meaning don't DIY a transition. This also resulted in me trying to shoehorn myself into the normal male life.
I married after my breakdown, i married at 23, 2 weeks before my 24th birthday, and i had spent the prior 3 years trying to get my head round my feelings... The night i told my partner to be i was a transvestite... i had decided if she ditched me i would move back up north and transition...Did you marry after your bad psych experience? Or was marriage always on the cards for you?
Sometimes i wish she had ditched me, there would have been less complications like there is now, but then i wouldn't have had 10 years life experience that has mouldd my character for the better... it's a double edged sword i guess...
Does this help?
Rebecca
What comes first, CD or TS? In my case I cannot honestly remember. I started to CD around age 10 when I was in the seventh grade. I also recognized myself as TS at the same time. I specifically remember that at around that time (1971) I realized that I was a boy and that I felt I was supposed to be a girl. I even had all sorts of fantasy daydreams about how technology or science could fix that problem.
I didn’t know what a TS was or that even such a thing existed. I only knew what I felt to be the truth. I didn’t even realize that I was not the only one who felt this way until I saw a picture in Hustler Magazine a few years later
At the time, I did not really even know what the differences between boys and girls were. Of course I knew that I had something that they did not, but I had no idea that they had something else. In hindsight, even I find this hard to believe, but it is true. I do remember the specific incident, around this same time, when my friend’s sister informed me as to the difference between the two.
As I look back over my early years I cannot point to anything that would indicate that I knew was I was TS or anything that can prove I was not. I only remember being in ignorant bliss as to the true nature of the differences between male and female.
So, which came first, the chicken or the egg? Who am I? What am I? Does anyone really know?
Deborah
Yes, thanks Rebecca.
It interesting that you made that assessment. I sense that in retrospect you would have taken the other option - of travelling North.
Fiona xx
Thanks Kate - so you merely flirted with dressing before redefining yourself. What do you think triggered the change in your perception? Was there one moment or one incident? Or a more gradual realisation?
You're not alone in getting married. Are you M2F hetero?
That's a definition of 'secondary TS' I haven't seen before - well the term 'secondary TS' was new to me until recently. I previously recognised the term 'late onset TS'.
Fiona xx
Hey, Fiona:
Good question. I think my case is a little different from the others.
In some ways, I think I can say I moved quickly from being CD/TV to TG to TS, but then again it took me about 40 years to figure it out. The reason in my case, I believe, is hormonal. When I was a kid I knew everybody saw a girl when they looked at me, but I was sure I was really a boy. I also knew I couldn't tell anyone 'cause they'd probably put me away. I liked only boy clothes and boy toys and hanging out with the boys. Girls were like aliens to me.
But when puberty kicked in, so did all those female hormones that caused me to think maybe I had been mistaken (and giving birth certainly confirmed that diagnosis - although until the day I actually did give birth I kept thinking it was impossible).I started crossdressing in my early teens (as soon as I was allowed to pick out my own clothes) and continued into my late twenties.
After that I started taking more female hormones to deal with PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome) and my male side went into a coma. At that time I didn't feel completely like either a male or female and my clothes reflected it. I wore mostly non-gender specific clothing and my sexual orientation became asexual (although I was still attracted to boys).
By then I had stopped hanging out with boys because their attitude toward me had changed, and learned to socialize with the girls if I was to have any friends at all (but they're still kind of alien to me). Which brings me to this year. A year ago I voluntarily stopped taking the female hormones and during the past year my male side has returned big time (a little more each month) and my female side has equally diminished.
As far as CDing, at first my desire to crossdress returned, then as months progressed and my male side became stronger, I started to realize that it was more than crossdressing. When I stopped taking the hormones I felt about 25% male and 75% female. After about eight months the feeling was 50/50 and now, a complete year later the pendulum has definitely swung the other way.
I still don't know what I'm going to do about it, but it's nice to feel like me again. It's nice to have my creativity and sex drive return.I feel like I've been blinded by a cloud of hormones for so many years and it's nice to see again. So, to answer your question, even though it took me about 40 years, in the last year I moved quickly from TV to TS.
Last edited by CaptLex; 12-28-2005 at 12:18 PM.
But why is the rum gone?! - Capt. Jack Sparrow[SIZE="1"]Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl[/SIZE]
Why is the rum always gone? - Capt. Jack Sparrow[SIZE="1"]Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest[/SIZE]
Why is all but the rum gone? No, the rum's gone too . . .- [SIZE="1"]Pirates of the Caribbean: At World End[/SIZE]
[SIZE="3"]Lex on the Beach[/SIZE]. . . [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Hi CaptLex,
When you were a child were you considered to be a tomboy? I have thought F2M TSs have it easier as a child because their male behaviour is more 'acceptable'. Was that the case?
Your 'femininity' was drug induced but did it remove all gender confusion thoughts from your mind? Or did you still feel unreal and confused and things weren't right?
Fiona xx
Hi again, Fiona:
To answer your questions:
(1) My parents are very "traditional" (for lack of a better word) and very much discouraged me from behaving as anything other than a proper young lady. So, it certainly wasn't acceptable to them that I try to emulate male behavior - although they didn't have a problem with my love of baseball since everyone in the family is a big fan. Also I remember I had a problem in kindergarten when I tried to play with the boys (and their vehicles) - the teacher kept directing me back to the girls' side of the room to play with them (and their dolls). Very sexist nowadays, I think, but back then it was the norm.
(2) As to the second question: I think the female hormones made me more confused. I didn't quite feel like myself, but I had no idea why. The only time I felt any sense of normalcy was before the hormones took over and that feeling is returning now that I've stopped taking them. As I described it to my son, for all that time I felt like an arm had been cut off and I had to learn to live without it (possible, but not preferable), but now it feels like my arm has miraculously returned and I'd do anything to make sure I never lose it again.
This has been an interesting topic - I've learned a lot from all the other responses.
But why is the rum gone?! - Capt. Jack Sparrow
Why is the rum always gone? - Capt. Jack Sparrow
Why is all but the rum gone? No, the rum's gone too . . .
[SIZE="3"]Lex on the Beach[/SIZE]. . . [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Well a few of my preconceived notions are out the window.
As to the second question: I think the female hormones made me more confused. I didn't quite feel like myself, but I had no idea why. The only time I felt any sense of normalcy was before the hormones took over and that feeling is returning now that I've stopped taking them. As I described it to my son, for all that time I felt like an arm had been cut off and I had to learn to live without it (possible, but not preferable), but now it feels like my arm has miraculously returned and I'd do anything to make sure I never lose it again.
This has been an interesting topic - I've learned a lot from all the other responses.
I'm getting off my main questions now - but how did you deal with 'motherhood'? Many of M2Fs have fathered children and some of us wish we were mothers. My own partner is always sensitive to the two 'mothers' syndrome and will remind me - even though I am not full time.
Fiona xx
Well, parenthood has been interesting for me. I say parenthood instead of motherhood because I guess I always felt like my son's mother and father at the same time - but maybe it's because I'm a single parent. In fact, when he was little (he's 24 now) he'd sometimes call me "Mom" and sometimes "Pop". And I've always told him I'm glad he was born a boy because we always had fun playing with his toys together, and if I had a girl I may have had to play with things I don't like (like Barbies).
Even as a kid I remember knowing that I wanted children someday, and even though I had a hard time believing I could have them physically, I hoped I could because I really wanted to know what the whole experience would be like. Once it happened, I was happy to have been through it, but it wasn't something I thought I needed to go through again. But I'm glad I had him and, in fact, I console myself about not coming to terms with my situation sooner by saying that if I had, I may not have had my son, and he's very important to me, so things happened the way they happened for a reason.
I am happy and relieved that my son is a happy, smart, funny, caring, mature, open-minded/tolerant individual who thinks on his own and doesn't follow the crowd. I hope I had something to do with that, but in either case, I'm very proud of him and we get along really well and have lots in common. Actually, it may sound strange, but I felt almost from the day he was born that he and I were so connected we must have known each other in another life. We've both always known that I'm not like other mothers, and now we know why and can laugh about it. Fortunately, my being different didn't hinder his upbringing or our relationship.
But why is the rum gone?! - Capt. Jack Sparrow
Why is the rum always gone? - Capt. Jack Sparrow
Why is all but the rum gone? No, the rum's gone too . . .
[SIZE="3"]Lex on the Beach[/SIZE]. . . [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Fiona,
A good question for sure. One that I am currently struggling with every day. Started Cding at about 5 or 6. Don't know why, just did. First childhood memory is getting caught. Went thru my teens wishing I was a girl. And becomming very aroused by CDing. Like so many others, I thought this was because I wasn't intimate with anyone. I guess in retrospect, because I have always had such a negative opinion of myself, and I always thought girls had it better than me. I just remember so much wishing I was born a girl instead. I once read somewhere that one of the determining factors of not being a true TS is a thought, real or perceived, that the other sex has it better than your sex. So I guess that I have always thought I must just be a TV/TG because I have always thought women have it better or are better. Although I know that in real life women are often looked at as less than when compared to men.
I also think that if I could transition, and become a woman, fully and be able to pass and just live my life without fear of being ridiculed or outed, and shamed and so on, and was able to support myself, that I would do it in a minute. But on the other hand, I know that I can never be a true woman. Even with all the SRS, FFS, and HRT, I would still be a person who was born male, living as a female. So if I could wake up tomarrow as a real woman, I would absolutely choose that. Not to mention the possibility of chlidren.
I also feel a huge sense of time is passing by. I want to be true to myself, whatever that is. I do not want to wake up one day at the age of 60 or so, and realise that life passed me by, and that I wasted it, conforming to what others wanted me to be. I too have always felt a kinship with TS people. Whenever I read about or see thier stories, I seem to always relate to thier feelings. I don't know if its just because I want so badly to be a woman, or because deep down I should have been born one physically.
I related a scale to my wife one day when we were having a talk about all this, as I was trying to help her understand me. I said that in general terms as in life and such, you know, hunter / gatherer, take care of the male responsibilites, fix the car etc., I feel about 60% maybe 70% male. Sexually though, I feel more like 70% to 80% female.
F M
0%--------------------------------/----------------100% Life in general
M F
0%----------------------------------------/--------100% Sexuality
So for me there is a definate disparity in my life as in day to day events, and sexuality, and emotional feelings. I have such a hard time trying to determine IF I feel like others males emotionally, and such, or If I am truly different than "normal" males emotionally. I find myself lately, not identifying with the so called masculine personality traits, and identifying more with the feminine personality traits. I do not know, at this time, whether that is a real or perceived state of mind. I have been working on these issues for so many years now, and my fear is that i will become blinded and not see the forest thru the trees. The phsyciatrist I saw a while back recommended counseling at the PERSAD center (specializes in gay, lesbian, bi, and TG/TS) in Pittsburgh, and stated that I would probably find out alot about myself. He also stated that sometimes we have a fetish, and hold it up for others to see, so that they will not see what is truly going on under the surface. Kinda like diverting attention from the real issue. That kinda struck me.
My wife objected vehemently to counseling at PERSAD, while I feel her fear, cuz I have it too, I think that it probably would be a good idea. So the more that I think about it, I might label myself a latent transsexual, although that scares me very much. I just want to be sure, ya know? I mean we here all the talk of genetics vs. social conditioning, and I just want to be sure that it isn't social conditioning that makes me feel this way.
Sorry so long!
Sarah
"So Often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key" The Eagles
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