Thank you for your post Tammy.Originally Posted by tammycd
Yes, I can relate very much to need for peace of mind. In fact I've written two poems with that thought.
I have though of it as unhealthy just wasteful.
Fiona xx
Thank you for your post Tammy.
Yes, I can relate very much to need for peace of mind. In fact I've written two poems with that thought.
I have though of it as unhealthy just wasteful.
Fiona xx
Yes, thanks Rebecca.
It interesting that you made that assessment. I sense that in retrospect you would have taken the other option - of travelling North.
Fiona xx
Hi Deborah,
I'm learning as I go and I think the underlying question is not so much about the labels - but about feelings and intentions.
I think most of us thought we were different things when we were young - and my dictionary was dog eared around the 'transvestite' page.
Even in your blissful ignorance. Did you feel you wanted to be female with any intensity? Or has that developed over time? Or is it not the case.
Fiona xx
Hi Tiffany,
I think I may have not given your post enough thought. But I am interested in what you mean? Why do you want to be ts?
Fiona xx
Hi Fiona, Easy to say that but very hard to do,but life is short and the truth will set us free,if we will demonstrate it.You would be a great host for a TV show,he he.Anyway I keep a leash on myself to not go so far I loose the things that keep me going or happy.So 30+ years later and 6 years of hormones am I ts well probally by most descriptions but maybe not.I'am out as a guy with boobs and cder sure,but dont present myself as a woman to spare the feelings of my family and friends.Yes it starts somewhere like cding,and ends when we die and until then it grows like fire .Never say never as to ohh..its only a panty thing for me,..I'm 100% hetro,I could never do that [post opp]. Very thoughtful questions you ask,we have met at Rose's before a couple of years ago,who knows what changes we will see in our trans ---- trip,for me it is at least a little bigger boobs as each year passes and only we can control ourselves if we choose too as to how far on the CD---TS spectrum we go.I love my family as much so I reside in between a man and a woman where we can coexist contently with those who dont care for our ways.
Hi Sierra,
Yes, I do remember you - you and I were often the only two left on the Board when the Brits had all gone to sleep. But not as Sierra.
You are very much an example of taking a different route. Are YOU content in your middle path? Or is it a sacrifice?
Fiona xx
That's essentially Docter's description of it. Incidentally Docter was a friend of Virginia Prince and after reading his biography of Prince I suspect much of that particular theory was modeled on Prince. Prince started going out in public in her teens and essentially spent years "practicing" for going full-time, which she did in her late 50s (after a divorce and selling her company, which allowed her to retire). Interestingly, Prince's hostility towards SRS seemingly stemmed from her love of the sexual aspects of crossdressing, which was the one part of maleness she refused to give up.
Lena
A dream? What is a dream, but a blueprint for courageous action.
http://www.adahlshouse.com
Thanks Marlena. We had a disciple of VCP here - who was quite vocal about GRS being merely about 'fixing the plumbing'. In fact she made a couple of television appearances in the early '80s.
Fiona xx
I don't believe anyone CHANGES into a TS. If they feel like they are changing it's probably due to allowing awareness of it to come into their conscious mind. There's never been a day in my life that I haven't at some point daydreamed about being transformed into a woman or wished I was born female. I truly believe I would be happier being female but only if I was born that way or transitioned before puberty. I just can't see being happy trying to make this body I have today into a woman. Too much testosterone damage.
I was in denial about these feelings for a long time. One day I was online and took the COGIATI test. The results came back 'probable transsexual'. I started crying. Not because I thought this test was infallible but because I knew that was how I'd always felt and I knew the pain and suffering, both emotional and physical, that lay ahead if I took this path.
We are who we are but societal pressures can encourage us to deny who we are. Conformity seems like such a powerful need in many of us. As for me, I used denial to help my mental gender appear to match my body gender. But that never changed how I felt. It just meant I'd have a battle brewing inside me as long as I did that.
Today I know who I am. My only regret is I denied that for so long.
I have to agree with Julie. One either is a TS or is not TS. One may consider oneself to be a crossdresser until the realization that one really is TS. If you reference the Harry Benjamin Scale, you'll find a "rainbow" of gender identities. Someone who is moderately TS, may identify as a crossdresser since that's close enough for what works for his/her life. I identify myself as a crossdresser, but I'm actually more of a 4+ on the Benjamin scale. But transitioning would mess up my life, which is pretty good, so I "settle" for being a crossdresser. If I were younger, and knew what I know now, maybe, just maybe... things would be different.
Warm regards,
Christina Nicole
Hi Christina,
I think as you've alluded things are a lot more complex than any scale or any compilation of labels and definitions.
You are not alone in settling for a lesser position - or reflecting 'if only....' But it seems to me that those [who are transgendered] who move to the next level have some extra motivation or are maybe more adaptable or adventurous people.
Fiona xx
Even within the gender continium there are interesting dynamics.
A person can be TS and NOT be a serious CD (or even a CD)
A person can be a CD and NOT be a TS
A person can be a CD and a TS...
And everything in the middle.
I will wear a piece of feminine clothing once in a while, not because I feel I as crossdressing but because I am displaying the female part of my genetics. I personally do not even know if I will fully transistion, but I know I will be part female all my life... nothing can change that...
I believe you are Born TS, (or whatever label is approprate).
Mandy
[SIZE="4"]My life in a Quote[/SIZE]
"I don't like sand. It's coarse, rough, irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Everything’s soft and smooth."
[SIZE="1"]—Anakin to Padmé - Star Wars - Episode 2 - Attack of the Clones[/SIZE]
Occupying my own end of the gender spectra...
Hi Julie,
When you were in your 'denial' phase, did you feel you were acting out a role? Or did you express yourself emotionally in your true gender?
Fiona xx
Like Christine, I fall somewhere between 4 and 5 on the Harry Benjamin scale. Yet I've never thought of myself as TS, and never had any hankering for full SRS. I'm happy as I am, and quite comfortable to be thought TG - like a lot of girls I think I just slip between the CD / TS divide, neither one nor the other. Would have been interested to try the COGIATI test, if only out of curiosity, but can't access the transsexual.org website.
I'm 55 in a week's time, and that just feels like far too old to be worrying about what label I wear; maybe thirty years ago it would all have seemed important, now I'm just happy that I'm comfortable with myself.
Love to you all
Pinny
xxxx
Please don't take the COGIATI as a proper test, it's not, it's easily fooled, and in my opinion, plays on the stereotypical. I know of girls who have based their whole transition on the scores from the COGIATI test, buit i wouldn't base anything off the web, i'd rather consult a medical professional who is an expert in the gender field.
When i was in denial, i took the test and came out as androgenous, but after i had released my demons, i came out class 5 TS... wow how things change...
I think it takes alot of guts to admit things to oneself, and especially to others, and sitting in a Dr's office and going through intensely personal things whilst being checked over to an unknown "list" would show up the average cross dresser, yes i know in America it's an entirely different system, and most girls pay for treatment, and the cycnic in me thinks how many girls are diagnosed to gaurantee an income stream for the gender psychiatrist?
The thing is why would i want to fool endless series of doctors and spend 2 or 3 years doing it repeatedly?
I think, for me, i had to do alot of growing up, and i didn't fully mature till i was in my 30's and was stable enough to face my deep issues...
Rebecca
When I was around 10 or 11 the feeling of wanting to be female was so intense as to be an obsession. I prayed to God to make me change. I even dreamed about it. Then I got caught CDing and was sent away to an environment where I had to suppress it. I may be TS but I am also smart enough to adapt to survive.
Today I am continually trying to psychoanalyze myself to try and put a finger on why and when this started. But I have a problem remembering anything before this point. I can remember my whole life after with clarity, but everything before is in fragments. It’s almost like that is when I really began to exist. Maybe it’s normal not to remember ones childhood so clearly or maybe I am blocking something. I don’t know, but I am going to keep on trying to remember. I do remember a few things that always made me feel different, although I do not remember them to be specifically tied to any gender issues.
· I was extremely introverted and preferred to read over other activities. I hated social situations and especially being around strangers. This is probably more tied to my personality type, INFP, than anything else. Although I have read that many TSs are INFPs. I also recognized in myself a high degree of empathy and the ability to relate to anyone. This has actually turned out to be a very good characteristic over the years enabling me to get along with just about anyone in any situation.
· I had a highly active imagination. Once when I was five I watched the original BW movie “The Haunting”. It scared me so bad I actually threw up and then had vivid nightmares for several years.
· I was poor at sports and hated PE although I did like outside activities with my friends.
· I always thought I looked funny and did not think I looked like other boys. I have always thought my hairline looked strange.
· In first grade, I think, some boy came to school wearing nail polish. I have no idea why he did that. Anyway, I do remember going home and trying it on myself.
· I liked to cook, and still do for that matter.
· I remember clearly in sixth grade thinking I needed to prove myself and picking a fight during recess. Very bad idea and very bad for the health of one’s nose. Does this show I was really normal, or was I trying to compensate for something I didn’t even recognize.
This remains very confusing for me because apart from the TS feelings, which are now stronger than ever, CDing means nothing to me. I think I am TS but always in my mind is the thought that since I can’t say I knew it from my first conscious thought, like some others say, then maybe it’s all simply a figment of my imagination. That would lead to the conclusion of delusion and insanity.
Maybe none of what I wrote really means anything. But it’s all I’ve got right now while I continue trying to put the pieces together.
One other thing I do know is that when my mother was pregnant she was given DES to prevent miscarriage. There is proof that this type of drug does cause gender abnormalities in animals and evidence to suggest it does the same in humans.
Deborah
Hi Fiona, Yes you are correct and thanks for respecting my new ID,even though there is nothing to hide or inconcistent my my posts in both names.I feel content,even lucky to have my wife and sons and they seem to be able to handle me as a combination male/female dad/husband.Dressing to present myself as a female is more than they can take.Yet I can do HRT,use vacuum domes,lactate,wear allways womens clothes in an androgenous fashion only no dresses in front of our boys 5 and 10 years old now.Happy New Years to Ya [your a hellava cool lady],I got a keg of ale[7%] and 1/1/06 is my B-day PARRRRRTTTTTY!
I would beg to differ. A lot of transgendered people crossdress, darned few of them are transsexual. What happens, with frightening regularity, is that people find themselves oppressed and lonely because of their crossdressing and latch on to sex-change as a way to escape the secrecy of it all... They get into an exaggeration that ultimately leads them to the conclusion they are transsexuals... because their need to escape the oppression is so strong.
Coming Out accomplishes the same thing with a darned sight less expense and hassle. If one can accept oneself, then they are prepared to deal with the world. If one cannot, exaggerations and mistakes happen... a lot.
A true transsexual is someone who cannot turn it down. Someone who just can't accept themselves as they are --right now, today-- and will most likely harm themselves if not given a way out of the dilemma. Often as not these are situations where transphobia is absorbed and believed, then applied against oneself -- Internalized Transphobia. When it's severe enough one cannot understand their way out of it, relief is all that matters and SRS becomes appropriate.
It is rare indeed that one progresses through Benjamin's scale starting off as a CD then discovering they want more... Almost always it's the other way around... One starts off as a TS and as they work through the issues and transphobia diminishes, self-acceptance grows most often leading them to decide against SRS. Only about 1 in 100 transgendered people have SRS... the other 99 come to understand themselves in a way that doesn't mandate it.
Is this your personal experience?
Can I just ask that the thrust of this thread be kept to your own personal experiences.
I can understand that you may have a view on 'who is' and 'who isn't' a TS. And how you believe things are. Or on one psych theory vs another. I appreciate those who have shared information so far but I don't want an ongoing debate on those issues so that they dominate the thread.
Fiona xx
Ever since I was a little one.., I've always tried to see myself as a little girl. And I was treated that way, often enough to reinforce the idea that "Girls" often have the advantage of being the `sweet ones', etc. and could always wear the real nice garments.I did not have to play all of those stupid `boy' games." And so, you might think that I may be, `trapped'...but.., `Trapped', is truely of my own devise now. Kiss, kiss,
[SIZE=4]Darlena
[/SIZE]
Thank you for your detailed response Deborah.
I can relate to a lot of your experiences. I assume you were sent away to a male only boarding school of some type.
Cd-ing means a lot to me inasmuch as it allows me to present as a female even for a short time.
Fiona xx
Hi Darlena,
I think a lot of us still attribute our 'nice' traits to our 'sugar and spice' - female side.
Fiona xx
You're the cool one Sierra! Happy Birthday! Fiona xx
FionaAlexis,
I've been an ardent female-wannabe since age 10 or so. I don't have the stereotypical TS feeling that I'm a girl trapped in a guy's body -- I just have always wanted, desired, wished, needed to be female.
Dressing for me is not a kick unto itself; rather, it's a chance for me to get as close to being female as I can get without making any permanent changes, which are out of the question for me for practical reasons.
I suppose the fact that I'm able to rule out transitioning for "practical" reasons means that I'm not a true TS -- yet I feel that my need is a lot more fundamental than just the desiring to wear the clothes.
So, that puts me north of CD/TV, but south of TS. Or, for you in Australia, the other way around. I just read the Benjamin standard, and I put myself right at level 4, non-surgical TS.
Hugs,
Susie
Last edited by susiej; 12-31-2005 at 02:02 PM.
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