CD/TVs becoming TSs

[Joy N. Wearing]

Dear Mandy TS and the other girls

This has been one of the most interesting and thought provoking posts we have seen in a long time.

Mandy, thank you for your in-depth discussion on our little world and how it is so similar to the other girls and again just how different we are because of the additional brain trauma we face. Legally I am a male, it is so on my driver’s license, on my birth certificate it has no mention of gender as I was born with both sexes, I am an XXY. It was decided when I was 1 year old that my sex would be changed to male and my female part was sewn shut, however, brain sex in humans is very real and I am inside as much of a woman as any Genetic Girl. And after keeping my little secret to myself for 61 years, I have just kicked the doors off the closet, I am a CD/TV/TS/ intersexed ( XXY ) who is just now coming to understand what and who I am.

As far as have been able to uncover the evidence to date, when I was 5 years old I was given massive shots of testosterone because I had “feminine tendenciesâ€� and in those days (the 40’s), that was totally unacceptable for a male child to display. I was given these shots continuously until I was around the age of16 when I guess the powers that be (the doctors, I don’t blame my parents) felt they had achieved there success, because they produced a kick ass kid, full of rage and incredible strength. Sometime when we have an hour or two I will explain my life as an XXY and how I have had to be a Manley man all my life, it dose get a little confusing even to me but it’s me, just like a Million other transsexuals, I walk like a man, talk like a man, think like a man ßÃ* woman, I feel like a woman inside as I have sense I was 4 years old. Now that I have raised my family and lived up to my parental role as husband, father, provider, protector and leader, maybe now there is some time left in this world for me. We are the sum of our life’s experiences, yes I am a man because I have lived as one for 65 years and yes, I am a woman because within me, my spirit, my sole, my very being is a woman. When I speak as a man I am one and when I speak as a woman, I am one.

I am very fortunate to have had the good fortune to have lived the life that I have. I love life and all that it has to offer, my six kids (Adopted as I too am unable to have children) and 15 grand kids and I am also the most happily married monogamous (wo)man in the world and my wife is my Eternal Companion and best friend whom I love with all of my being. I have been dressing EnFem as the woman I am for all but the first 4 years of my 65 years of life and I have admired everything that is feminine with grate admiration and hope that I to truly epitomize the attributes of womanhood, softness and gentleness. A female is a gender identity; but a woman is feminine, soft, gracious, kind, gentle and compassionate. Her true beauty shines brighter from within than from any other expression. I am a woman and this is how I will live the rest of my life.

Debbie Austin
debbieaustin@juno.com

[Deborah]

[SIZE=3]I am technically a CD i suppose. I've felt female though for longer then i can remember but i don't think i will ever transition.[/SIZE]

[Deborah_UK]

Reading through these posts, so many of them echo my own life and experiences.

I can vividly recall at the age of five or six praying every night that the following morning God would have turned me into the girl I so strongly felt I needed to be, but when I recounted this to the doctor at the Gender Clinic in Nottingham he clearly didn't believe me, suggesting that I had imposed these memories upon myself subsequently - I don't know for sure if he was just testing my resolve or what, but I have memories going back to when I was three (or one specific memory anyway).

For several reasons I am unlikely to transition, but I know in my heart of hearts three was a mistake when I was born and I should have been female, but for so many years I denied those feelings and considered myself as a transvestitite (the term crossdresser was not being used back then in the 70s).

So (to get back to the original thread and away from my ramblings) I could be seen by outsiders as a CD moving through to TS, but in my instance I think I've always been TS, just took a long time to realise it.

[MandyTS]

Joy,

It seems like we live in our own little world, each having our own tendencies, etc just like the many degrees of intersexed. I am X0/XY I have found out, my external genetilla look like a infant sized (maybe a bit bigger) male but inside in half male and half female. I have larger than normal hip bones but a slightly more male facial structure.

Unlike many TS people we are a little of both sexes and I remember that as I learn to, for example carry a purse. I think it is imposable to hide the two versions of ourselves we find inside and as one doctor told me, most intersexed people are never really happy with either gender. That said we make the best choice we can for ourselves and leave it at that.

Good Luck,
Mandy

[Deborah757]

Thank you for your detailed response Deborah.

I can relate to a lot of your experiences. I assume you were sent away to a male only boarding school of some type.

Cd-ing means a lot to me inasmuch as it allows me to present as a female even for a short time.

Fiona xx

I got sent away to Military School when I was 13. That began 28 years in a strictly military environment. I guess I fooled them all though. I punched all the right tickets and became the masculine warrior I was expected to be.

But the voices in my head were always there telling me it was all an act. (Not real voices like I am schizophrenic, more like a constant, never-ending, conscious thought). It might go away for a while when I am occupying my mind elsewhere, but it always comes back. From a philosophical angle, maybe that constant stream of thought is really just the ego (I) and only seems so apparent to me because it diverges from physical reality. Maybe its there for everyone and most others just don’t consciously notice it.

I don’t think I have ever really denied it. I have certainly tried to ignore it at times and often wished that it would be taken away. But I think I recognized the impossible reality of it from the day I became aware it existed.

From your description of how you feel about CDing, that’s pretty much how I feel also. I just don’t have much opportunity these days to do it right.

Deborah

[Sarahgurl371]

Two quick questions:

1. The Benjamin Scale - Does anyone think it is a very subjective scale, and not meant for us to determine a level for ourselves? I can identify with something at every level. But would have to classify a 3 or 4. Shouldn't this tool be applied by an objective gender specialist?

2. The voices, constant conscious thoughts - Does anyone think that the inner voice or the "constant conscious thoughts" exist because we are so wrapped up in all this? For me, I have both and have to wonder, are they really inherent to my brain, or am I forcing these thoughts from a desire for them to be real, to justify my behavior?

[susiej]

1. The Benjamin Scale - Does anyone think it is a very subjective scale, and not meant for us to determine a level for ourselves? I can identify with something at every level. But would have to classify a 3 or 4. Shouldn't this tool be applied by an objective gender specialist?

2. The voices, constant conscious thoughts - Does anyone think that the inner voice or the "constant conscious thoughts" exist because we are so wrapped up in all this? For me, I have both and have to wonder, are they really inherent to my brain, or am I forcing these thoughts from a desire for them to be real, to justify my behavior?

1. Hmm, I had heard about the Benjamin scale before, but hadn't read it or ranked myself on it until last night. Because its criteria seem fairly crisply defined, I was able to apply it to myself pretty easily, and (in my own opinion, of course) found only one category (4) that suited me.

Self-diagnosis has its benefits and disadvantages, clearly. Perhaps we don't see ourselves clearly. However, I know immediately what I feel (or, at least, think I feel), so I don't need a therapist to ask me $250 worth of questions to determine, for instance, that I "waver uncertainly" as to gender, or I "dress as often as possible, with insufficent relief from gender discomfort".

I suppose the standard could be better-applied by a professional -- but if so, there should be more detailed diagnosis criteria than provided in the twentyclub web page.

In short, I'm sorry I didn't look at the Benjamin standard earlier; it's kind of comforting to have a "box" to put myself in .

2. Our use of this forum, and all the brainpower and time we seem to invest in obsessing about our gender identity is simply, another "feature of our gift". I don't think it will be very productive to separate our special gender identity and our thoughts about same -- they are part and parcel of the same thing.

Hugs, and a happy new year to all,
Susie

[FionaAlexis]

From your description of how you feel about CDing, that’s pretty much how I feel also. I just don’t have much opportunity these days to do it right.

I wanted to be female from a very young age - but it has peaked and troughed through my life so I can't say I've been in a continuous upswing. I've never felt guilty about dressing but I have been wary of the impact it has on others - at time anyway. I have stopped dressing for extended periods in my mid 20s and, again in my late 30s - the second period was more a case of the pointlessness and wastefulness of it following a psychological assessment rather than guilt and purging.

When I started dressing again - my goal was to achieve some middle path and sense of contentment. I have never been satisfied with private dressing and I've always needed to go out but having said that I do have preferred styles and looks.

I guess finding this middle path is proving quite difficult.

Fiona xx

[joanlynn28]

Is there anyone here who believes that they are a CD/TV but are quickly moving towards being a transsexual? Or were you CD/TV and are now sure you are transsexual?

And what do you think caused your change in perception?

Or do you feel you simply labeled yourself incorrectly and you were always a latent TS?

Fiona xx

I would have to say that I am a CD but I don't want to look like a guy wearing a dress. I want to be a woman true and true with all of the physical attributes. Like my father told me if you are going to do anything you might as well do it right.

[Darlena]

To me it was questionable at first, maybe. But as the years progressed I found myself continually outside of the bounds of expectancy and the predictable, "norms." I am learning to embrace the Femmne me. It first started as a fetish-fantasy. Then it progressed into a transgendered thing. And I do realize that the thing was there from the incept. But I am hopelessly tethered to the very "Ideal" That led me here in the first place. The very basic need to feminize. I've always emulated the "Goddesses" that predominated my conception of who I wanted to be most like. `Marilyn Monroe' is a good example. Then there is Elisabeth Taylor, Alicia Silverstone, Heida Klume, Molly Sims,etc. In other words..,I feel more at home in my girly skin than as a drab boy waiting in the wings. Love you all,

[FionaAlexis]

I would have to say that I am a CD but I don't want to look like a guy wearing a dress. I want to be a woman true and true with all of the physical attributes. Like my father told me if you are going to do anything you might as well do it right.

Thanks Joan.

Someone on another Forum said the difference between TV/CD and TS is about 'wanting' and 'needing'.

Fiona xx

[FionaAlexis]

But I am hopelessly tethered to the very "Ideal" That led me here in the first place. The very basic need to feminize.

I think I'm pretty much tied to a perfect transformation too - though not to any role model. But I doubt would be happy living full time unless I was 100%.

Fiona xx

[Darlena]

I have dressed as a girl since I was a little boy. My sister and I played dress up alot. Now days I am dressed up most of the time. I feel a kind of serenity when I'm Darlena. No need for the macho stuff anymore. I don't feel the need to be agressive and puffed up. I believe my feminine self to be the best quality in me. I am most happy this way. Wearing fem clothing is not a fetish for me. I don't do it for sexual thrills. I am wired this way. And after 50 years I can definately say I am Trans. I still want breasts and hormonal therapy. But unfortunately I can't afford the expense. I know I would rather be a woman than a man. I just don't want any cutting going on down there. Love & kisses,

[Clare]

[SIZE="3"]

1. The Benjamin Scale - Does anyone think it is a very subjective scale, and not meant for us to determine a level for ourselves? I can identify with something at every level. But would have to classify a 3 or 4. Shouldn't this tool be applied by an objective gender specialist?

Just read through the different types - I'm a 3 bordering on a 4 in my opinion.

Tammy, you are correct in that is should be applied by a qualified professional. My opinion is probably tainted by what I want the answer to be, rather than it being an objective assessment.

[/SIZE]

[tiffiany]

Ive known since I was nine that I was transgendered but I was fearful of how my parents would react to the news. They were already having a hard time trying to deal with the fact that I liked to wear womens clothes. My parents thought that this was not normal behavior for a son to do and so they tried to find a way to cure it. Their answer was for me to go see a therapist and so I went for a few weeks. The therapist made me feel so guilty that I stopped dressing and my parents thought that I was cured and so they stopped the therapy.

After the therapy I started questioning how I trully felt, asked myself questions as to why I was this way, etc. This caused me to want to dress more and more. But the dressing only made me feel more guilty and angry. Because I had noone to talk to about this I started bottling it up inside. Eventually it created an ulcer and I was sent to the doctors by my parents. When my parents and the doctor asked me what was wrong, I couldnt say anything. The doctor told them it was because of stress and I remember my parents wondering how a kid like me could be stressed.

Off and on I would slip up and my parents would find out that I was dressing again and so the guilt started all over again, causing my ulcer to act up. I tried to live mylife like my parents wanted me to. I went through life like a giant blob, while I precieved to be male to everybody around me I didnt feel that way inside. While I had friends I considered them more as people I knew. I was much of a loner, never into sports even though I participated in them. I played football in highschool because I thought it was what my parents wanted me to do. I had more girl friends then guys as well as I never was intersted in dating them. I had to have there approval of liking me before I could date them. To this day I still dont have a girlfriend.

Ive only told one person how Ive felt and she was understandable about it. Though I havent talked to her since we each graduated from highschool. Im at the stage where Im totally sure that Im transgendered and in the process of trying to get up the courage to tell my closest friends and immediate family. I just not sure where to go after here.

Thanks for listening.

[FionaAlexis]

Great post, Tiffiany.

I think a lot of girls will relate to your experiences. I wonder how many TGs are loners or regard themselves as loners? A pretty high percentage I suspect - I felt pretty isolated for much of my life.

Hope everything goes well for you.

Fiona xx

[tiffiany]

Great post, Tiffiany.

I think a lot of girls will relate to your experiences. I wonder how many TGs are loners or regard themselves as loners? A pretty high percentage I suspect - I felt pretty isolated for much of my life.

Hope everything goes well for you.

Fiona xx

Thanks. The real test will be in a week when my younger brother comes to visit. Im still contemplating if I should tell him or not. For some reason Ive always been closer to my younger brother than my feturnal twin. Growing up with my twin brother was hard because we were like night and day, total opposites.

[_Sheli_]

GREAT posts everyone!
I like most of you cant remember when I relized I was TG. <--- get the term right Sheli!! haha anyways as long as I can remeber I have always felt I had the wrong physical body! I wish I had a dollar for every prayer I have said wishing to have a truely female body!! My grandmother raised me as a girl in the 50's, which was unheard of. And like you Tiffany, I always related to girls rather than boys, but was never attracted to them! I can remember when I was found out and my mom and step dad forced me to go to a shrink!!How humilating!! I can remember just saying what they wanted to hear to get things over with! Again I hid things well untill high school when my step dad found my female clothes!! He had the brite idea that if he made me go to school dressed as a girl , that it would embarras me so bad that I would stop wanting to wear girl clothes!! Well needless to say I got all dressed up that day, but i surely didnt go to school! Again the disquize was in place! I tryed to be the BOY my parents wanted! Marriage, only to be found out again but this time i had the lable put on me that I was GAY! So to proove I wasnt , I got remairred and had 2 daughters!! MORE ESTROGEN in the house!!Anyway, after a 20 yr BAD marriage I started over again! This time I thought id be smart and tell up front my desires and intentions!! OH MY!! this one tells me that she wants to help make all my fantisy come to life! well after 3 yrs! same ole story!!
If I only knew then what I know now!!!

Hugs! Sheli

[FionaAlexis]

GREAT posts everyone!
I like most of you cant remember when I relized I was TG. <--- get the term right Sheli!! haha anyways as long as I can remeber I have always felt I had the wrong physical body! I wish I had a dollar for every prayer I have said wishing to have a truely female body!! My grandmother raised me as a girl in the 50's, which was unheard of. And like you Tiffany, I always related to girls rather than boys, but was never attracted to them! I can remember when I was found out and my mom and step dad forced me to go to a shrink!!How humilating!! I can remember just saying what they wanted to hear to get things over with! Again I hid things well untill high school when my step dad found my female clothes!! He had the brite idea that if he made me go to school dressed as a girl , that it would embarras me so bad that I would stop wanting to wear girl clothes!! Well needless to say I got all dressed up that day, but i surely didnt go to school! Again the disquize was in place! I tryed to be the BOY my parents wanted! Marriage, only to be found out again but this time i had the lable put on me that I was GAY! So to proove I wasnt , I got remairred and had 2 daughters!! MORE ESTROGEN in the house!!Anyway, after a 20 yr BAD marriage I started over again! This time I thought id be smart and tell up front my desires and intentions!! OH MY!! this one tells me that she wants to help make all my fantisy come to life! well after 3 yrs! same ole story!!
If I only knew then what I know now!!!

Hugs! Sheli

Thank you for posting, Sheli. A lot of parents would still react in a similar way.

Living up to others expectations of us causes a lot of bad decisions - and angst.

Fiona xx

[joanlynn28]

I don't know, as for me I have always wanted to become a woman since my early teens when my crossdressing started. I would dream of being able to grow breasts if I will it enough. I have always had the transexual interest as long as I can remember. I have suppressed my crossdressing for over six years but now that I am in my early forties the crossdress urge has only gotten stronger with each passing year. To me the one thing that keeps me form exploring SRS and hormone therapy any further is that I am in a committed relationship with my wife of 8 years. I thought that getting married and having a family would make this urge to want to change sexes go away but the only thing marraige has done is delayed the time I have left to change. I promised myself that I would not seek a change as long as my wife was in the picture. But currently she and I are seperated because of my crossdressing. I spent the month of November in a hospital trying to treat my crossdressing as a sexual addiction which crossdressing is not. All that I got out of the hospital experience was that I got in touch with my feminine emotions which only fuels my desire to change sexes. So my conclusion is that some of us CD/TG'rs don't make the complete change to womanhood is due to our family commitments or the fear of losing our loved ones. I am happier when I am myself which happens to be female. It is just that I am more comfortable as a female, I actually despise the male sex and all the macho BS that goes with it. Actually I am not male or female but Transsexual.

[FionaAlexis]

Hi Joan,

A lot seem to go through different life strategies in an effort to settle in to the male role which fits our body. Or suppress our true self. I guess we think if we work hard enough at it we can control it or make it go away.

I had always readily accepted who I was but I decided to re-invent myself after being rejected from the local GRS program. This came as a total shock to me as ten years previously I had been accepted in the UK but chickened out. At first I was pretty angry about it – then I thought maybe the psych’s right – so I set about putting all this tranny nonsense behind me and moving on.

But, of course, it resurfaces to bite you - usually when your life settles back to normality.

I have never really heard of anyone else going to hospital for a period for treatment. You must have felt in quite a desperate situation?

Not exactly sure what you mean by neither male nor female but transexual - you mean you are bi-gendered in the new language.

Thanks for posting your story. I think these sorts of posts show others that they are different and weird but others are struggling with the same issues.

Fiona xx

[Kimberley]

It's not a pretty story but I have always felt (or rather known) I was female but had the male beat into me. (Nuff said)

So, I would say I am a TS who is fighting to live; live as a TG and barely surviving as a CD.

Maybe in the next life I will get it right.

[Lisa Kaur]

I'm grew up as my mom's daughter. CD was a daily routine.
Had many girlfriends but many left me after they found the male in me.
Have 3 supportive sisters and a childhood gf. They prefer me on female mode coz I'm different. We spend weekends shopping , in the saloon n clubbing. Nothing more that I can ask for. They love my long hair, help
me grow my nails and are my fashion consultants. They make me do what I like doing.
From CD to TV .... I sometimes feel trapped in this male body. Ultimately I want to be like them. A female. Free to express myself , don't have to hang out with them just to be like them. I have a lot of fashion ideas that I alaways experiment on them.They call me their fashion guru. I even have a special bf when we go clubbing. My gf and I often double date during weekends. Both of us also work part time as shampoo girls for some income.
I have the freedom......
Sometimes my gf and I go on a date together. Some say, we make a great lesbian couple. Recently she cropped her hair to take up the male role. Thats when I knew how serious our relationship was !
My gender identity has been confusing me lately.
I am also active as male during the weekdays.... and sometimes go on date.
I feel the power and control over my date when we go out. My date is the soft spoken type...not demanding or the decision making type. I have feelings that make me like her ! With her, my role is the opposite compared to my gf n sisters.
Lately with my CD/TV/TS background, I been giving a lot of fashion tips to my date. My date likes me because I have a feminine side and can talk to her on any girly topic. I tried to hide it , but its difficult. I gave her a few make overs and shes head over heels over me ! She wants to be my GF but wants me to cut my knee lenght hair !
I want to be her BF but prefer to forget her , to keep my hair as my female feelings are stronger...... or maybe I am CD/TV ........ or continue my 'lesbian' relationship.
Before meeting my meeting date , I have been thinking about becoming a WOMAN. but now I am very confused about my feelings.............

lisa

[alisoncdnj]

Is there anyone here who believes that they are a CD/TV but are quickly moving towards being a transsexual? Or were you CD/TV and are now sure you are transsexual?

And what do you think caused your change in perception?

Or do you feel you simply labeled yourself incorrectly and you were always a latent TS?

Fiona xx

I think I simply labeled myself incorrectly, I have always felt I was a transsexual. The more I dress the more I feel this is the right direction for me. I am planning on transitioning but I am going to move slowly.

[Denise01]

originally i felt I was Cd as I had the desire to dress from a very young age, however do to the era of my younger days this was not an option, living near a village with a lot of narrow minded people.

The older i got,, the more the desire to dress came out and 10 years ago i took the plunge and bought my first femme Skirt, which i fortunately am still able to wear to-day.
For what it is worth and probably not much, i did take some of the gender tests. One test showed that i was 90% female, and cogati test indicated I was transexual.

I would love to be able to transition, however due to some health problems at the present time it is not an option, but I still now feel I should classify myself as TS

Denise