I am lying here thinking over the last week of my journey as Suzanne.
There were highs and lows. I felt like me most of the time. My wife and I continue to show up and love one another even when it feels hopeless. Our son is a happy well adjusted eleven year old who we love very much.
Last Friday I ventured out as Suzanne for my regular trip into San Francisco. I wore jeans and boots with my new purple sweater. I first went to my 12 step meeting where they only know me as a tall red headed woman. The meeting is mostly gay men and they are so kind and supportive. After the meeting I met two ladies from the TS forum who have just begun to transition. We had a lovely dinner and they are both doing well. I am so impressed with their courage! After dinner I said goodbye and headed over to Blush to meet Kristin and her wife from New Orleans. Rachael and Allie met up with us also. It was wonderful to be out and having fun with the girls!
On Wednesday I worked all day in San Jose. I checked in to a hotel that afternoon and got all pretty! I went to Carla's for a transgender support group. It was so nurturing to be with these women. There were about 8 or 9 women with TS and Crossdressers represented. My wife knew I was going to the meeting. She was very anxious since she knew there would be TS women at the meeting. We struggled over me going but got through it. I understand why she was anxious. I also know I needed to go for me.
I was afraid the tension might mar Valentines day. It didn't! I had a wonderful bouquet of flowers made by my florist friend. Then My wife said she was t feeling great. I cancelled dinner reservations and made dinner for her. Before I started cooking she lured me to the bedroom. I was determined to be my male self for her since I wanted it to be about her. However she told me to get in my nightgown because she wanted to see the girl! My son had a sleepover so we had a wonderful blissful night. It was so sweet to be with her. It was the best Valentines ever
Saturday morning I got up early did my makeup and went to another 12 step meeting. This is a very large meeting where they have only seen Suzanne once before. I felt so free and proud when I walked into the meeting. My friends were so supportive and loving. I even sat at the table and introduced myself as Suzanne and spoke!
The weekend finished with a party for my minister and his wife. They are moving back to our home state. They know about Suzane but have struggled with the subject. We do love one another there is no question of that. Their daughter is clos to me and knew something was going on. We got some private time and I explained fully what is going on. She saw my picture and gave me a great hug. She said she would always love and support me.
As you can see it has been a full life recently. I love my wife and want so much to find the magic answer we can both live with. She and I both acknowledge that I am transgendered. She is my biggest supporter. However she misses the man I portrayed myself as . Anyway that is enough about me. I am trying to do it right. I want to be me and be what she needs.
- but you are also honest about the torment that sometimes this process is putting you through and sadly I doubt there is any other way. But then you get some great experiences like V-Day, and those are the things in life we have to hang on to and remember and seek again...
