HRT, Strength, and Sports

[Anne2345]

I have played sports my entire life. Although the body I have is a curse to me, and I hate it, I have used it quite well in athletics, and very much to my benefit. And with this body, my athleticism, my competitive nature, and my aggression, I am used to winning, and having my way when I play.

Although 44, and always the oldest player out there these days with those I play with and against, I still play hard hitting, physical, bruising basketball every week. I am never the tallest, never the strongest, never the quickest, but that has not mattered before because I have always made up for it in talent, skills, focus, intelligence, and a crazy need to win. Still, at 6'4, 220 lbs, it ain't like I'm exactly lacking in size and strength myself.

Or at least, I didn't used to lack in strength.

Having been on HRT now for over ten months, the past two months or so in particular I have noticed that I have lost A LOT of strength that I formerly had. Which is great, because I have also lost some of my dude muscle definition and build, and that has got to go if I have any hope of feminizing my body. So that's all well and good, and it's all going according to plan.

Having played ball again tonight, though, I recognized something that I suppose I have refused to admit to myself until this evening. Players that formerly could not stop me, players that I could shut down, are beginning to own me now. At first, I chalked it all off to lack of focus, being distracted, or whatever other excuses I could come up with.

But the last couple of games in particular, it has become painfully obvious to me - I am being overpowered by men that I have owned for I don't know how long. I am just not strong enough. I can no longer post up strong like I used to even just a few months ago. Dudes that are bigger and stronger than me - I always had enough height and enough strength to make up for it because I was better than them.

Although old to play the type of ball with the type of players I do, I am in excellent health and shape. I may be a little slower than I used to be, and I have lost some of my vertical leap, and my body has taken a lifetime of physical pounding and abuse through such things - but I still got game, skills, and know-how.

Except that tonight, I finally recognized, and admitted to myself for the first time, I can no longer compete at the position I play against these men. They are not any stronger, any bigger, or any better than they were before. But I am weaker. I can no longer stop them. I can't keep them out of the paint. I can't drive the ball down the lane hard and put it up strong any more. I can no longer even maintain my position while posting up.

Simply put, these men are overpowering me, and for the first real time in my life, I can't stop or slow them down. They are big, strong men, and they are now having there way with me, and I almost feel powerless against them.

This recognition, that I have now admitted to myself I can no longer compete at the level I am accustomed to, and that I just can't stop these men really hit me hard tonight. It was weird. Kind of even surreal. I gave tonight everything I had. Everything I had because I recognized what was going on for what it really was. So I clamped down hard, focused more, and tried to make up for it in other ways. But I just could not stop them. Worse, on the other side of the floor, they were able to stop and contain me.

When I ultimately finished up, and left the gym, I was really surprised by how emotional I became when I got in my car to leave. I damn near broke down crying. I could cry right now as I am typing this if I let myself. It's weird. Or perhaps "unexpected" is a better way of putting it.

Regardless, I now fully recognize and understand that this is the beginning of the end of playing competitive basketball with men. I just can't do it anymore. At least not in the manner I am accustomed to.

I suppose, in the end, this is just another price to be paid for going on HRT and beginning the process of transition. It's a price, though, like everything else I have paid to date, that I am willing to pay and am paying as I type these words.

Still, this chapter of my life, this era of competing at a high level in sports against men, is about to close, and close forever, because I can no longer hold my own with them anymore.

Of course, do not get me wrong. As far as my transition plans are concerned, this changes nothing. It is inconsequential, and I shall continue to walk forward down my path.

It does amaze me, though, just how much doing this changes, touches, and effects sooo many different facets and areas of one's life. I mean really and truly, it changes basically everything.

[Rogina B]

Just take the laces out of your sneakers....I am quite surprised you have been trying to carry your maleness so long. You can always keep playing,but it seems like you are confusing yourself.

[Anne2345]

Last time I checked, engaging in competitive sports is not gender-specific. When I am playing any given sport, I do not view myself as male or female. I view myself as a player, and a part of a team. Gender typically is the last thing on my mind. Family responsibilities are completely off the radar. Bills and financial obligations do not exist. The outside world ceases to have any influence on me. Job stress is non-existent. It is just me, my team, and the other team. During that span of time, it is my ultimate escape. I escape all of my stress, concerns, worries, responsibilities, and everything else. It's really an incredible feeling. To be so focused, to be so integrated with my teammates. I know them intimately. I know where they are at all times during the game, even if I do not see them. They know where I will be. It flows naturally, through experience we have gained through many, many years of playing together. We are a unit, working in singular focus, towards to single goal. It really is quite beautiful how it works. It is an amazing feeling, to know someone so well, to trust them to be where they should be, to have confidence that they will deliver as well, and to know that they got your back. We worked together in unison. We win together. We lose together. We are a singular force. And it is a magnificent experience, and an incredible escape from the world.

Rest assured, I am not confusing myself in the least. Nor am I carrying my maleness with me. If my post left you with that impression, I apologize for not being clear enough. I am confident in myself. I know who I am. This changes nothing. Absolutely nothing. View this more as an observation, and the expression of a new experience for me. Nothing more, nothing less.

[Kimberly Kael]

It's fascinating, the little things your body starts to tell you after spending some time on HRT. I've never been much for team sports but I'm delighted you intend to stick with it, even if it means a change in teams. Essentially the only sport I'm involved in is golf. As an exercise in competing against myself I'm pleased that my "competition" adjusts with me every step of the way.

[LeaP]

The loss of strength is very real. I think some minimize it before starting HRT. It's not a visible thing. But it does affect you in ways you cannot anticipate and it's a slow, continuous drain over a long period. For a long time you know you've lost a bit, but then one day it comes home, just as with your basketball game.

We are in the process of moving and last weekend I was loading a very heavy Persian rug into a storage unit. This rug weighs approximately 250 pounds. Several months ago, I stored a similar rug, bundling it, then heaving it up and carrying it by myself. Last weekend it took both me and my wife, and we could barely do it. We got it to the storage unit OK, but I then had to get it overhead the the top of a rack where the 1st rug is stored. I couldn't do it! I had no problem getting it up to chest level, but try as I might, I could NOT get it overhead. I finally gave up after fighting it for about 15-20 minutes. I also felt the strain for the rest of the day.

As with you, it was a recognition that things had changed in a fundamental way. Thinking about that and sitting on a plane the other day, I was watching people come in to take their seats and was suddenly struck by the sheer size of the guys. Suddenly I find myself at the smaller, more slender end of that spectrum after a lifetime of being among the large (not tall, but big).

Rather than sport, though, what occurred to me was that there are a lot more everyday things that I cannot do by myself any longer. That brought to mind what had always seemed the somewhat comical picture of two women struggling to carry something, straining and shuffling, that a single, average guy could handle easily - and that I'm one of those women. Oh, I could build back up to a degree (though how much, I'm not sure), but at a considerable expense in passability.

It is also a caution that I can get myself into a dangerous situation if I'm not careful, because I don't really know what my current limits are ... I hit them, rather than avoid them.

There is a wistfulness at something gone. Is it "hanging on to maleness"? No - there are many such things in life left behind for good reason. But change itself ofen evokes this because losing something familiar represents a loss of security.

A wonderful OP, Anne.

[Angela Campbell]

I have lost a little, but to be honest I was never very strong to begin with. Yes I was big (fat) and looked strong, but compared to most men I was at the weaker end. Wondering how much of this loss is from the Hormones and how much just from losing weight. I have found that my endurance is increased even if the strength is lessened. That too could be weight loss. I plan to lose a little more now before the end of the year and hopefully get down to around 130 or less, and I know some of that will be muscle loss, but that is just fine with me. I guess I am just kind of driven to be as small as I can be.

I do not worry too much about dangerous situations as far as self protection. I rarely go out alone except in the daytime, and I still have most of the martial arts skills I gained so many years ago. That was actually needed to stop the bullying, and it worked. I am also very good at avoiding confrontation.

The only "sports" I play is that old Huey Lewis album.

[kimdl93]

the comes a time when age will catch up with you even if you aren't on HRT. yesterday I played a round of golf in a charity tournament and today my shoulders back and knees all hurt.as someone said, getting old isn't for wimps...

[Angela Campbell]

I don't know about you but I am getting younger....really.....I am.....

[I Am Paula]

Things I had to give up-
Cordless bungee jumping
Australian rules croquet
Javelin catching

Thing I took up instead-
Warm water wading
Low impact chess
Toaster gazing

[LeaP]

Hmmm - maybe people minimize after starting HRT too ...

When I spoke of hard or dangerous situations, I was thinking of things I've done by myself in the past - working in the woods, moving things, even mundane activities like storing the annual supply of wood pellets for heat. The latter is 5 tons, and I would take the delivery and re-stack it in an empty garage bay, 3-4 bags at a time. When I cleared out my basement, I moved several machines that were north of 600 pounds. Leverage and balance still do the majority of the work, but I'm not able to compensate for the odd slip like I could. I declined moving one of my wife's (industrial) sewing machines from the third floor in order to take it to our new apartment. It's too heavy at about 200 pounds and I didn't want to break it down into components, two of which are are 80 pounds or so on their own - not too bad, but very awkward. Losing control on the stairs would be a disaster. When I put in our raised beds, I was out digging for days to level the site, after which I spent more days sifting the resulting huge pile of dirt. I think that effort would about kill me now, particularly as it also involved digging out several boulders and building a rock wall.

Dangerous can be to life (logging) or lesser things. My wife has cautioned me more than once, for example, about attempting to nudge heavy things sideways using my knees. It's not a very bright thing to do anyway, but until recently it was no big deal, either. Now the strain is a LOT greater, and I could easily hurt myself. Another aspect is the *change* in leverage. I can no longer pin things tightly to my chest, at least without hurting myself. As a result, I'm carrying weight out a bit further from my body. Some might not think this much difference ... but it is. It shifts weight from a vertical load to an angled load, and the resulting strain is on the lower back. Carrying weight on my shoulders is different. The shoulder girdle isn't as strong or stable. If I overload, I torque my shoulders and upper back. I can't lift as much from a squat. If I drop and heave a weight to lift it, I can find myself buckling.

Again, I've always had my limits - but I knew what they were. It's not just strength or just upper body strength. And until I readjust, there is risk.

[Kathryn Martin]

Simply put, these men are overpowering me, and for the first real time in my life, I can't stop or slow them down. They are big, strong men, and they are now having their way with me, and I almost feel powerless against them. .........I mean really and truly, it changes basically everything.

This is really at the core of your post. And reading this I recognize the layers and layers these simple words contain..... Work with this, embrace, soak yourself in this awareness, it's a door few actually dare to walk through.....

[stefan37]

You are correct Kathryn. Few do walk through that door and if they do it can take a long time. I have recognized that core you reference and sometimes find it difficult to shed. Working in a physical male industry can be trying but is essential to acheiving our goals. As Anne has experienced ICANN relate to her loss of strength . The good news its when stuff is to heavy wet work,i get one of the guys to do it.

[Barbara Ella]

Kathryn is right. The realization, wherever it comes from...in your case competitive BB, is a shock to the system in itself. your shock is amplified by your internal connection with the effects of HRT perhaps accelerating your loss. You are fortunate in one respect, you have another reason than merely losing it from age. You have taken a positive step to assist you in losing it. You have not lost the love/passion that the teamwork of this sport brings you. If possible, you might have to step down a level and develop it with a new group.

But back to the fact that you have taken a positive step to bring this about. Intentionally or not, expecting this or not, you have done this to yourself in pursuit of your real life. I hope you will rejoice in that regardless of your potential performance level. Your performance on the woman scale is improving immensely day to day. Rejoice.

Barbara

[Cheryl123]

Well, if you want those nice soft curves you got to give up the muscles. Funny, I was thinking about this today at the grocery store. An elderly lady was having trouble separating two carts that are stuck together. Still thinking I'm a hero instead of a heroine, I offered my assistance, but I couldn't separate the damn things either. Finally a "real man" -- who was maybe 16 -- had to help us out. LoL big time.

[Linda Z]

I think you have 2 or more things going on
1. you are getting older, impact sports are not in your future, like to compete? try rowing a 1X single in a head race. Very competitive - no impact.
2. How many girls are on your team? be sides you. think about it.
3. your are at many levels of dealing with HRT, relax! let time even things out a little.

I have gone through this for many years, learn to enjoy the changes, find new (to you) ways to compete, enjoy.

[Jonianne]

.....It does amaze me, though, just how much doing this changes, touches, and effects sooo many different facets and areas of one's life. I mean really and truly, it changes basically everything.

Hi Anne, I'm sorry for your sadness in losing something you've enjoyed so much in your life. Yes, it really does change things. I can't offer any suggestion and as you said in your post, you are really just sharing the pain of your loss with us. I can relate to some degree, because, we just had our first skating meet this past Sunday and although I love to support my team mates, I miss it so much and feel so sad that I have no idea whenever I will be able to be out there in front of the judges again, myself. Skating is a major part of my life, but it's part of the sacrifice of transition. In time, it will be worth it.

[Anne2345]

Just to clarify, my post, although I have seemingly written somewhat within the context of "loss," it is not really about loss or sadness at all. It is more about the future and the evolution of my own sense of self-awareness, acceptance, and acknowledgement. Kathryn hit the nail on the head. The substance and meaning of her response is what all of this is about for me. It is both scary and exciting, to be sure. But it is also critical to my further development and progress as I continue to walk this path. I thought before that I had already begun my journey. Like so many other things I have been completely wrong about (which has been almost everything to date), I was wrong here, as well. I see now and understand that this is my real beginning. Before this, it was but merely preparation. I begin in earnest now . . . .

[kimdl93]

Wrong? Nah, it's just that the world and your place in it look different from your new perspective .

[Kathryn Martin]

Anne, it is a little bit like the realization that transition begins after transition. That when all of the physical, social and professional foundations have been laid the real transition begins. Your experience is the first of many that brings the full reality of who you are to you. It is if you will an integration event even though it looks like an exclusion event. The extent to which I feel with you about this experience is hard to describe without resorting to superlatives. Yes you begin in earnest now.....

[thechic]

That's sacrifices that you take to be female. I know I've had this happen at work , at one place I often work at I once took a short cut into the engine room through a back door it was 1/2 a floor up I could scramble up to get in with out going the long way I did this quit often , anyway I tried doing that about a month ago, landed on my boobs and boy the paining ,I wont be trying that again.