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Thread: I get it we lied to our SOs. . . but please

  1. #101
    Transgender Member Dianne S's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JessM. View Post
    But as long as it's a very minor part of your life, I don't feel it's a moral imperative to reveal everything.
    I agree. And here's my test: If you discuss it on an Internet forum and have made more than 100 posts in the last 4 months, then it's not a minor-enough part of your life to sweep under the rug.

  2. #102
    GG / SO to a CD MatildaJ.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dawn03 View Post
    I agree. And here's my test: If you discuss it on an Internet forum and have made more than 100 posts in the last 4 months, then it's not a minor-enough part of your life to sweep under the rug.
    That seems a reasonable test. I'd also say that if you're keeping CD photos on your computer, or doing a lot of searches on CD themes, then you're likely to get caught and should plan to disclose first. Similarly if you go out dressed or have friends who CD. Or if you have more than few items, so that it's hard to store them discreetly.

  3. #103
    Aspiring Member Ceri Anne's Avatar
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    Well stated Isha. Many of us are yet to come out because we love our SO and know she will not accept. Some are working towards that. Some know the cost and risk is too great. Odds are some of us will get caught in the process and we know that doesn't help things. Yet for many of us, we do the best we can. We love and cherish our families. We know our deceit and are not proud of it. I am very envious of my friends who's spouses welcome them with open arms, but know too many in bitter divorce. The cost can be high. So can the benefits. Thanks for posting.
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  4. #104
    Senior Member Jacqueline Winona's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    Jacqueline, if someone puts on panties and a skirt once every three months when the wife is gone, I don't know that I'd call that habitual CDing. I think the need to tell is when the CDing is so frequent that it has become a significant part of a CDer's life.

    But maybe we can compare this to points of law. It's difficult to describe and come to a definitive position in a gray zone since motives are so varied ... it's much easier to paint a picture with words when it's black and white: tell or not tell, no matter the degree.

    I do believe there are gray zones.

    OK ... let's compare this to masturbation. What spouse necessarily tells their partner every single time they do this? I'm guessing few. But, if it becomes frequent to the point where it is on a spouse's mind a lot of the time and they have to purposely and habitually manipulate circumstances so they can masturbate according to their needs, then it's something that is an issue between them. Not the masturbation, but the frequent hiding which does entail a degree of lying or non-disclosure.
    Reine, we agree for the most part, you're paragraph 1 is about the same as what I think. Yes, there are gray areas, and where you fit on the scale (from occasional to habitual CD) will lead to when it would be wise to disclose. And I've never seen you adopt any kind of holier than thou attitude, not your style, you're if anything one of the most open-minded, caring and accommodating posters around. I do agree with you also about gray areas, my example was purposefully an extreme example, where you fit between occasional wearer of women's clothes to full-time, habitual TGirl holds the most significance in my mind on what needs to be stated.
    As far as spending time on the internet here? I don't necessarily agree, reading CD posts isn't any different than watching shows about other people's weddings in my mind, or any number of reality tv shows. But if the test is 100 over 4 months I'm pretty sure I still pass. :_
    Now, you're last analogy made me think- there's another reason why a guy in a relationship shouldn't do that so much, and I trust you know what I mean and I think that is actually worse than the hiding/non-disclosure.
    The middle aged cross dresser coming out (using that term to apply to anyone who has been in a committed relationship for more than 10 years and/or is over 35, not trying to suggest anyone is really middle aged) is just a tough situation to analogize to. Is it similar to a wife telling her husband I can't wait to have kids, love them, want to spoil them, then spends most of her time working rather than going to the kid's activities? Is the wife being deceitful if she doesn't tell the husband before the kids come that you're the one who is going to all their games, practices, you better find the time to get home because I don't want to modify my job to get there except for weekend games (please don't read too much into that one )? We would probably all conclude the wife really didn't know what her priorities would be ahead of time, even if it were clear that her career was extremely important to her in my analogy. But if that's so, why are some (not all) so quick to declare a CD a liar for not telling his wife that he liked dressing before marriage, even if most of us know that the CD probably thought this would go away when he got married, like most of us do? I'm just extremely reluctant to condemn someone in that circumstance, and not confident at all that the best advice is to disclose, when the consequences of doing so could be devastating. These are case by case decisions that everyone has to make by themselves, hopefully armed with as much knowledge as you can find.

  5. #105
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    Isha, I was thinking about replying to this thread for a while. I sense that the original aim of the thread got side tracked and it more or less became a discussion about telling or not telling early in relationship. I admire peoples courage who were able to tell before marriage about their CD desires, but I don’t think it is all about courage, I strongly believe that the ones who did tell early on a serious relationship can be divided into three categories:
    1. They had the resources and information readily available about CD related issues
    2. At the time they started to go in to the relationship, they already knew that CD will always be a part of them and they already accepted this side of them and they knew that they can never give it up.
    3. They had a failed relationship because of CD and learned their lesson the hard way.
    Actually if you consider all of the above, there is only one conclusion, the CD’s who told early on already ACCEPTED themselves at the time, this acceptance either came with knowledge, life experience or natural very high levels of self awareness

    I wish I accepted this part of me long before, especially before I got seriously involved with someone but I didn’t due to many obvious reasons which have been already discussed in detail in this thread. Unfortunately I also lied (deceived, not disclosed or whatever you want to call it) and I wish I didn’t but like many others here my intensions were never bad, I never intentionally wanted to hurt anyone, I tried really hard to give up Cd’ing.

    So I agree with Isha, please lets not judge each other, lets support and give advice to each other, lets try to help each other. I think the younger members are already better equipped to make better decisions when it comes to CD and serious relationship since they have so much more information. Thanks for reading.

    Lots of love and respect to all of you....

  6. #106
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    I told my wife this week and she seems genuinely betrayed.

    I'm not sure her reaction would have been much worse if I told her I was having an affair. Certainly for now, she has no interest in any kind of intimacy.

    My gut feeling is that I haven't done irreparable damage to our relationship, but time will tell.

  7. #107
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    NicoleA, I suspect this will turn out as well as you handle it.

    Sure, plenty of GGs don't like CD (myself included)and wouldn't chose to be with someone who does this. BUT we can learn to tolerate and in some cases even accept this side of a spouse. Even after years of not knowing - yes, we can.

    But the marriages that tank quickly from my witness of other GGs are the ones where the H tells his SO because he has decided for whatever reason he needs validation or acceptance or whatever, so he tells his wife and THEN decides to dress every frickin' spare second he can find. He goes out, buys endless items and even thinks she might want to join in. He basically shoves CD down her throat and believe me, none of the GGs I know who've experienced this appreciated it, lol

    Yep, these marriages can go south quickly. Not all will fall apart, as Isha is testament that some partners are okay with rapid change. I'd suggest though, that most are destroyed with this behavior.

    So whatever you do, have a long think why you told her NOW, and if it's to dress more or involve her, I'd tread very carefully. Good luck.

  8. #108
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    At a basic level I told her because I didn't want to lie to her or keep secrets, but there is something to your comments. Until the past couple of weeks it had been over 15 years since I'd dressed at all and in some ways I do want to make up for lost time. Acceptance would be nice too, and that was hard to predict as my wife is quite open minded in some ways, but does also have a conservative streak.

    Thanks for your advice on this, I will indeed tread carefully.

  9. #109
    Junior Member pink.switch.love's Avatar
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    I think OP should change the title of the post.
    "We" didn't lie
    "We" didn't hide
    That is if "I" am part of the "We"
    That which I do consider myself to be
    It a big sweeping generalization - a stereotype - an assumption

  10. #110
    Junior Member AveryS's Avatar
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    Isha nailed it - at least in my situation. However, as a trans woman, it was even harder on my SO. In fact, she even stated clearly that if I just wanted to dress up from time to time, wear women's pjs or nighties, wear panties, etc, it would not have been so bad. But to tell her she married a woman and that my goal is to make that my permanent gender expression was not acceptable to her.

    I broke the news to her last November after having a serious breakdown and deep dive into depression. She pressured me to spill the beans, and I did... and although she prepared herself for the worse (I was cheating on her, I was dying, I was gay), her mind just could not comprehend that I was trans. It was the worst thing I could ever have shared with her - it crushed her - and I was labelled everything from liar to fraud to cheat to scumbag to .. you name it. From her perspective, I lied to her for the 15 years we have been together.

    The reality is - I didn't necessarily lie to her. I lied to myself. I told her what I believed to be true, by burying my feelings, denying my feminine side, writing it off as a weird fetish and counteracting it with macho crap, I made myself believe that it was nothing. So I didn't lie to her. I didn't share my struggle, but I didn't truly understand the impact of what I was feeling.

    Fortunately, we are still together. She uses denial to get herself through. From her perspective, as long as I still play the role of husband and father, nothing has changed and we can go about life. The reality is, things ARE changing, just very slowly. Slow enough that the changes don't bother her. She even likes some of the changes, without actually knowing or acknowledging why they are happening.

    We even had a big break a couple of days ago. I clumsily left a bra out after trying on some new clothes. I packed everything else away, but somehow forgot a critical piece of clothing - and she found it. She had brief words, cried a little, was angry a little. The next morning was fairly quiet around the house, but I tried to keep everything as normal as possible. By the next night, we were snuggling again, and she woke me up for some intimate times before the kids had a chance to ruin it...

    Every relationship will handle the situation differently. In many cases we lie to ourselves, and in turn lie to our spouses without even knowing we aren't speaking the truth. And if we do lie to our spouses knowingly, it's with good intentions - to shield and protect them from something that they may not be able to handle.

  11. #111
    Junior Member pink.switch.love's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AveryS View Post
    And if we do lie to our spouses knowingly, it's with good intentions - to shield and protect them from something that they may not be able to handle.
    Again - don't say "we" because it is not "we" it is you.

    For me this has been a process of discovery and I have been honest the whole way through and my spouse is enthusiastically involved. You should just be totally honest with her - if she can't handle it then breakup - it is better for everybody that way. (Even the kids)

  12. #112
    GG / SO to a CD MatildaJ.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheMissus View Post
    he tells his wife and THEN decides to dress every frickin' spare second he can find. He goes out, buys endless items and even thinks she might want to join in. He basically shoves CD down her throat and believe me, none of the GGs I know who've experienced this appreciated it, lol.
    Agreed. It's possible to get past the secrecy (especially if she understands that the whole thing was just a vague impulse in your mind, or something that has emerged gradually over time, rather than a clear-cut identity you were hiding all along). But if the Big Reveal is followed by the Pink Fog, in which you act like a kid in a candy store and assume that this should be as delightful for her as it is for you, that doesn't lead anywhere good.

    Quote Originally Posted by NicoleA View Post
    In some ways I do want to make up for lost time. Acceptance would be nice too.
    "Acceptance" is a tricky word. If your wife had a kink for acting like a "little girl" (some women do), and used clear words to tell you so, you might very well "accept" that as true. You might "accept" it as part of her, and not plan to walk away from the marriage. That doesn't mean you'd necessarily enjoy spending time with her in that baby girl persona.

    The bottom line is -- do what you need to do, but if you value your relationship, then try to maintain a regular pattern of doing the fun activities together that the two of you have always enjoyed, with you in guy mode. If the CDing is an additional fun activity, which you're inviting her to share with you if she likes, that's very different from it taking the place of all your former fun activities and leaving her with nothing except her memories of shared good times.

  13. #113
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    I will try my hardest to offer my opinions on why I feel it is of utmost importance that regardless of circumstance, telling early on in a relationship is the best way to go. I mean no disrespect to anyone, or am I judging anyone.

    My story is like so many others on here in that I too did not tell early on. it was 3 and a half years into the relationship, 6 months after marriage. I already knew my now wife, we had been friends for many years. Although we had lost touch in recent years. She was married, I was married.... fast fwd to 2009, I had been divorced for 5 years and she was in the process of one. We decided to date. Right from the beginning it was awesome. And I enjoyed this "normal" dating. Hey, I like being a guy too. So my CD desires went to the back burner. They were still there, as they always have been, but definitely on the back burner. Why tell her? At the time, I did not see forever after, I was just enjoying such a wonderful time, something that I had not had since my early 20's and I was now in my mid 40's.

    As time went on, we began to fall in love. We began forming commitments to each other. We began to see a forever after future. I had not told her of my desires. I would take it to my grave and continue to not act on them which I had more or less done for my entire life anyway. But they were slowly growing over time. Stronger than ever. In the process of forming our relationship, we bared our souls to each other..... except for one thing, which I held back.

    The desires grew stronger, I found myself going into her side of the closet, into drawers more and more frequently. I hated the feeling of sneaking around like I was doing. I was accepting myself more and more that I actually was an ok person, and the only thing not ok about what I was doing was sneaking the dressing that I did. It wasn't hardly anything, and maybe a half dozen times. I knew that I either had to tell her about this part of myself, or continue to risk being caught, and continuing to sneak this from her. I knew if caught, that there was a very good chance the marriage would end. I knew there was a decent chance that if I told her the marriage may end. But I could not bare the sneaking and the deceit, and yes, I lied in certain ways. It was not a straight out "do you CD?" and I said no... but there were little lies that covered up what I was doing.

    All along, I withheld this part of me. She shared all and I did not. Now it came time to tell. The news shocked her, as it does for so many. And it has hurt her badly. It has angered her that I did not share all as she did with me. Trust had been broken. And of course, she had to begin to attempt accepting and dealing with something that is very difficult for her to do. Together we have come a long way, but it has been a terribly difficult time getting there, and there are still many difficult days because of me telling her long after we began seeing each other and forming a lifetime commitment. She still struggles with anger, with feelings of betrayal, with the lost trust. As well as having to shift gears and accept a different path than what she thought she was on. A deceit on my part that never told her all about me. It is my biggest regret, not doing so, and causing the hurt, the betrayal, the anger and the lost trust. It is not the CDing itself that has caused this, it was me, not telling her about it. And I have caused the woman I love pain. That is the last thing I ever want to do is hurt her. Yet I have.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  14. #114
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gendermutt View Post
    I will try my hardest to offer my opinions on why I feel it is of utmost importance that regardless of circumstance, telling early on in a relationship is the best way to go. I mean no disrespect to anyone, or am I judging anyone.
    I agree with you, but unfortunately the people who have not told early on feel judged by such statements. I think that with the resources we have TODAY, any young CDer approaching a relationship would be foolish to not tell. But, this does not help the people who did not have the same advantages 20, 30, or 40 years ago.

    So I think it is important to mention this as well.


    ... and also, that most wives (in my opinion) will fare much better if their husbands tell them even years into the marriage, than if the wives find out by mistake through some sort of negligence on the husband's part.

    So it's a question of weighing the risks. The more a person CDs, the harder it is to keep it all in a box in the garage or the attic that comes out once every three months, and the more a wife will notice that something is "amiss" even if she doesn't know what it is. The erosion of marital trust will begin to occur once this stage of "hiding something but I don't know what" is reached.
    Reine

  15. #115
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    While we could easily say that we are all in the same boat together in regards to CDing and we should all stick together (we should as much as possible) I like to think of it as we are all in our own boats, sailing the sea of transgender. We all have our own destinations, and we must navigate through often times stormy conditions to get to where we want to be. To calm waters, to our own place of paradise.

    Like the Titanic, which chose to sail north to get to its destination quicker, we too must choose the path. And what seems to be the path of least resistance, or the quickest route, is strewn with icebergs. Sail through them long enough and eventually one way or another, you will hit one. When you do, it will cause a breach, and cold icy water will pour in. Now we have to stop, and act diligently to pump out the water and repair the breach. It takes a lot of time and energy. And in the process, sailing to our destination gets for the most part put on hold, or definitely ends up going at a far slower pace as we spend a great deal of our time dealing with the water rushing in and repairing the damage caused. Sometimes, like the Titanic, the damage becomes to great, and the relationship may sink.

    So, my thoughts here are not those who do not tell are bad people, as I am not a bad person. They, as I did, have made or are making the wrong choice. It is easy to understand why we made or continue to make this choice. My previous post above explains why I too made that choice. But it ends up being the harder more damaging choice in the end.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  16. #116
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    In many ways, my personal situation has enabled me to have an understanding of both sides of this debate, and that is why I feel strongly about not condemning anyone for the decisions they make. I have been married twice, for a total married life of over 50 years. My first marriage did not end in divorce, but in the untimely death of my wife to cancer. I have been extremely blessed to have been married to two wonderful, caring and understanding women, and I could not bear the thought of hurting them in any way.

    I began crossdressing in my early teen years, by sneaking items belonging to my older sister, and when she left home, from my mother when no one else was home. I did not come any where near to dressing up completely, but concentrated on specific items that aroused my curiosity and interest like bras, garter belts, girdles, slips, hosiery and jewelry. As this was a long time ago, there was no information available, and the only thing anyone knew about this practice was that it was horribly wrong. When I was nearing my twenties, because of shame and guilt, I decided that I should stop doing this, and I managed to do so for about 6 or 7 years. During this time, I met my first wife, fell in love and was married. Of course, because of being so ashamed of my past behaviour, I saw no point in telling her and making her wonder what sort of a pervert I was. I saw no point in disappointing or hurting her and was so in love, I did not want to jeopardize our happiness. Then one day when I was under tremendous stress of studying for my final exams, and my wife was at work, I gave in to the lure of wearing one of her bras. It had been left on top of a pile of clothes near my desk, and I wore it as a means of relaxing myself in order to help me concentrate on my studies. I still had it on when she returned home, as I wanted her to know what I had done and how I had found it to be rather comforting. She was surprised but not upset. I saw no point in mentioning anything from my past, as it would have painted a picture of something much different than what had just taken place. At my suggestion, she helped me purchase an inexpensive but slightly larger bra that I could wear to get me through the grueling and stressful task of writing those final exams. After that, I returned to a life of abstention from crossdressing except for a few times when I was under stress and alone. I only had a couple of items that spent most of the time in the bottom of a dresser drawer. When my wife was diagnosed with cancer, I made a vow to myself that I was not going to crossdress any more and threw out the few items that I had.

    After her passing I was so grief stricken and lonely, that I caved in and did a little crossdressing during the long and lonely nights, wearing some of my wife's nightgowns and lingerie for a few months. Then one day, I said enough, and tossed everything out. I wasn't going to succumb to self pity. I eventually remarried, and did not say anything to my second wife, because I was no longer crossdressing and for the same reasons as before, did not want to hurt her or our chances of happiness by disclosing such dark secrets about my past. Right or wrong, can be debated until the cows come home, but is destroying a wonderful relationship ever the right thing to do?

    Then one day, about 5 years into our marriage, my wife asked me if I had ever tried on a bra. I said yes, without really having the time to think about how I should respond. I still don't know what prompted the question, but it led to some more questions and some honest answers from me. A few days later, she surprised me with a few gifts, including a dress, slip, bra, panties and pantyhose. She said that I should wear them around the house whenever I felt the need, but cautioned me to not let the children (from my first marriage) see me. I was very hesitant to try those gifts on at first because of the vow that I had made to myself and also because I had never worn a dress before or taken my dressing to that extent. The rest is history, and we have been married for close to 30 years. She is not overly active in my crossdressing, but has attended some events with me in recent years. We do not discuss the subject very often, but I can wear anything I want around the house, and in her presence. I rarely dress when she is not around.

    Both of my wives have known. The first one did not know about my past, just my current limited activities, but it was me who disclosed it when it returned to a semi active thing. My second wife, however knows pretty much the whole story, but it was not because I brought up the subject. It was not exactly getting caught, but was somewhat unique. So I have both told and in a sense been unexpectedly confronted. I have not told going in to a relationship, but just when the situation arose. I consider myself to be very fortunate that everything has worked out well, but I can understand the trepidation about broaching such a subject and the uncertainty of whether you would be ruining a good life for everyone. I know the benefits of disclosure without having had to suffer the difficulties. I also understand the angst of knowing you have not been totally open about yourself, and making extreme sacrifices in order to not hurt those you love the most. I would never urge anyone to tell or consider them to be a bad person if they don't, nor would I say that disclosure is right or wrong. Every situation is different.

    Veronica

  17. #117
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    Quote Originally Posted by JessM. View Post
    Agreed. It's possible to get past the secrecy (especially if she understands that the whole thing was just a vague impulse in your mind, or something that has emerged gradually over time, rather than a clear-cut identity you were hiding all along). But if the Big Reveal is followed by the Pink Fog, in which you act like a kid in a candy store and assume that this should be as delightful for her as it is for you, that doesn't lead anywhere good.
    I have definitely found myself influenced by the Pink Fog in the past few days, but after years of repression I think that was somewhat inevitable. However I feel as if things are starting to balance out again, which I think can only be good for my relationship.

  18. #118
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    Quote Originally Posted by NicoleA View Post
    I have definitely found myself influenced by the Pink Fog in the past few days, but after years of repression I think that was somewhat inevitable. However I feel as if things are starting to balance out again, which I think can only be good for my relationship.
    I'm glad things are finding balance for you. Balance will help for sure, but remember, the repression you speak of was not something your wife was aware of. It was entirely your choice. She has spent years thinking one thing about you and now must think another. I'd bet her compassion for your 'years of repression' will be zero at this point.

    Find a way quickly out of that Pink Fog and get back to her 'normal' while she processes this. If your marriage survives this, THEN you can worry about your return to CD. Otherwise you may be doing this without her and I'm certain, from how you write here, that this is not what you want.

    I really hope you can both work this out. M x

  19. #119
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    I agree with you, but unfortunately the people who have not told early on feel judged by such statements. I think that with the resources we have TODAY, any young CDer approaching a relationship would be foolish to not tell. But, this does not help the people who did not have the same advantages 20, 30, or 40 years ago.

    So I think it is important to mention this as well ... and also, that most wives (in my opinion) will fare much better if their husbands tell them even years into the marriage, than if the wives find out by mistake.
    Hi Reine,

    Well put. Each person is different and the circumstances of each person is different. When I first discovered this side of me I was very young (pre-teen) and that was confusing . . . talking to my parents . . . not likely. My dad found me playing dolls with my sister once and promptly took me out to buy a pellet gun and taught me shoot birds. When I was older and had my first experience, even with the Canadian military at that time, it was a one way ticket to a dishonourable release. No internet, no forums, no support groups, no accepting society just me and my closet. When I met my wife, I thought surely this will cure me (still thought I was sick and perverted). Gave it up for some time but then the pressures of everyday life and crept in (graduate work, occupation change, war) made me go to the only place I felt safe and insulated . . . my closet as it is all I knew. If I was discovering this as a young person today, it might have gone different . . . don't know.

    Regarding the pink fog, I can't stress the importance proper therapy has played in my ability to deal with this rush to present. I know some people will "poo poo" therapy and I agree if you truly understand what is going on, you may not need it. In my case not so much as I have been closeted for so long, I need someone to make sense of how this all fits with me. Advice and lessons learned from others on this forum is great and supportive, but it is just that, advice based on one person's experience. Point in case, some people say "slow down take it easy" others "advocate explore and go with the flow". It really depends on the person.

    A therapist is objective and will allow you to become introspective and view your decision making process from your point of view not others. This will allow you make informed decisions and if you are in a relationship with a knowing SO, share them and make decisions with input from both parties. My therapist always stresses while this is about my personal journey and discovery, there is another party involved who needs to be considered. Trust has to be rebuilt but also mutual respect and compromise have to figure in if the relationship is going to survive first contact. My wife attends an occasional session with me to work through specific issues or just to sit and share in a controlled environment.

    Hugs

    Isha

  20. #120
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    I think the difficulty is that when you first meet your SO you don't know much about them. You don't know how they'd react to you telling them that you CD. Neither of you has expended much energy in the relationship so if it all goes wrong you can go your separate ways accept they now know something about you that you have kept hidden for many years. What if the relationship ends on a sour note - they could tell your friends, family, work colleagues even in these modern time it could be up on the net. This all goes through your mind so the safest option always seems not telling. It's a defence mechanism.

    You then move on to the next stage and the relationship develops. You may kid yourself that things will change and the urge to dress will go away. And maybe for a time it does. You are starting to build something special and at that point the fear of losing it all becomes too great. So you decide not to say anything. You can manage the CD - it doesn't do anyone any harm. So life goes on and the longer the relationship the harder it becomes to tell. There are children involved and you have a whole other life with mortgages, work, socialising. Can you risk losing all this?

    There doesn't seem a best time to tell. You might even take it o the grave so if your SO never finds out what harm has it done.

    People are lied to for all sorts of reason. We grow up lying to our children - Father Christmas and the tooth fairy. When they find out do they hate us?

    I wasn't upfront initially to protect me and later to protect my family. It wasn't trying to be deceitful or devious it just seemed the right thing to do. I think that everyone is unique and we all have different perspectives on life. I wouldn't advise anyone to tell or keep it a secret as I think the only person who truly know the right thing to do is you. I don't mind giving advice about clothes, wigs etc but life changing decision are too difficult when you don't even know somebody circumstances.

    Katie

  21. #121
    Member melanie206's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
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    North East, MD Maryland Delaware
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    141
    I can't pass judgement on those already in relationships but I think those who are between relationships and who know that their dressing isn't going away should do themselves a huge favor and do whatever they must ( counseling etc. ) to be ready to disclose this to anyone they might get serious about. I see no other way.

  22. #122
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
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    2,615
    Again, I just want to add that it is not necessarily judging someone else as a person, but to express an opinion that what they may be doing or choosing is not necessarily the best path or choice to make. But there is often a common theme, and one I encountered as well. After going too long without telling, and forming a wonderful relationship, possibly marriage and then kids come along, the usual family stuff, then to tell, or how to tell without ruining it all. So we sort of trap ourselves. And we either have to choose not to dress, thereby depriving ourselves of a basic part of our being. Or limit ourselves to a great degree, which is basically the same, plus we add a layer of stress from always worrying about getting caught, or having to spend so much effort on not getting caught.

    All that negative energy and effort. All of it can be avoided. I say this not to judge or put down those who made the choice. I am saying to those who are still making that choice that it is still (as ReinieD stated) better to tell then be discovered. And to tell as soon as possible. The longer it goes, the harder it gets and the harder it will be on them. For those just starting a relationship or are thinking about what happens if you tell, my advice and support to you is to do so early on.

    And for those who are facing the predictable difficulty or know you will when you do tell, I will support you still, by helping in whatever way I can and give whatever advice or suggestions on how to traverse through the early stages after telling.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

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