Are you afraid of losing your male identity

[Marcelle]

Hi all. I promise this is not an Isha rant but more of a question which has cropped up in my own journey and I am looking for some feedback from all of you.

I know the title seems like a bit of an oddity considering that as CDers, most of us try to emulate women on some level be it just wearing the clothes or complete en femme (make-up, wigs, tucking, breast forms, etc.). The reason I have asked this question is that it came up in my therapy.

Last week in discussion with my therapist (who is a colleague and close friend) I told her that Isha is fast becoming a force of nature in my life and sometimes it gets hard to control her. The more I dress at home, the less I prefer to wear male attire . . . point in case wearing girl clothes and a wig (no make-up) as I type. My mannerisms are becoming for femme at home to the point where I have difficulty not doing so. Now this has not caused any tension between my wife and I but it is fast becoming an internalized worry. I also told my therapist that I am afraid that the more I go out as Isha publicly, I am afraid the same thing will happen with my public life and that eventually male me will slip away.

She told me that it is most likely an artefact of spending so much time denying and repressing a side of me that when I finally let go, it was like releasing a steam valve of emotion. It will steam out fast and furious in an uncontrolled manner but will eventually equalize and regain balance. Now being somewhat familiar with the human condition, what she says makes sense but still a part of me is concerned. I know this is referred to as the "pink fog" on this site and it seems aptly named.

In some of my original posts, I alluded to the fact that I felt my male and female identity were always one in the same. To some extent I believe that still. I can feel the calming emotional control that Isha brings when I am in male mode as I can feel the confidence and strength of my male side when I am en femme. However, there are times when I also feel they are distinctly in conflict with one another wrestling for possession of me in a "winner take all" game.

So my questions are:

1. Those of you who dress at home and occasionally go out but still spend a good portion of your time en male, do you fear losing your male identity?

2. For those of you who have decided to live most of your time en femme vice male, do you feel as though you have given up your male identity? . . . If you are TS I understand this is a different situation for you as you are a female trapped in a genetic male body.

3. For anyone who has experience the pink fog, did you find balance between the two halves or do you find it a constant struggle for control?

Really just curious what the community thinks and I welcome all responses from anyone on this. It is a big part of my journey now as I explore this with my therapist.

Hugs

Isha

[Zylia]

I only have one identity and part of that identity is that I occasionally (try to) present myself as someone of the opposite sex. I try not to do that too often because it takes time and effort and there are a myriad other things I also enjoy doing. Obviously there's the issue of it not being universally socially acceptable, even in a 'liberal' country like the Netherlands, but I digress. I find the idea that I somehow might lose my 'male' identity because I wear a bunch of clothes and makeup very weird. It takes a bit more than that.

[ArleneRaquel]

Being a member of group #2, I have lived 24/7 as a female (since 2004), but I've have not had surgery and I doubt that I ever will. However I feel that I have placed my male identity aside, but not away. There my came a time that I would go back to living, mainly as a man, with a strong feminine side. I haved dressed enfemme for over 55 years and I doubt that that I would ever give up the female side of me that desires femminine attire & accesories. Dressed as a lady is so much more rewarding that dressing as a drab male.

[Kate Simmons]

Strange as it may seem Isha, becoming a "woman" was what has helped me to enjoy being a man. I went through the motions before but I never really enjoyed being a guy until I lived my female side. Perhaps I appreciate more being a man after being a woman, I don't know for sure but I do feel more complete as a person and it's always totally my choice whenever I want to express myself en femme. Stranger things have happened I guess. Getting deeply in touch with yourself and your feelings helps.

[TxCassie]

Isha,

I had the very same conversation with my therapist this past week. I began seriously dressing about five-six years ago, with the last two years seeing my most progression with now having complete outfits and becoming bolder with my public shopping. I asked to what end, to what purpose is this journey for my life. How will Cassie "fit" in with the rest of my male life. I don't feel I need nor wish to fully transition, but I dare not stop dressing. I love my femme presentation. Yes, I would love to be "en femme" more minutes, be more public, just more. But I also love my male side, and value that life as well. I feel, I must admit, that I was not the "man" I thought, I constructed to be, but that is quickly becoming ok. I feel that "man" was a false presentation of my true self which is a strong mixture, balance of the masculine and feminine. But I also recognize, I do have the capability to "be" , to "live" as a man void of the outward feminine attributes I've come to embrace., now

Yet, to do so now, would to live a life with a 'façade that would eventually serve only to diminish the quality of my life. The façade would quickly morph into an instrument of suppression. Which in retrospect, was the way I was living. Thus, I have not lost something I never had in the first place. For if I had a more potent "masculine identity, I would have never possess the need to exhibit my persona 'en femme".

I am trying to come to terms to the masculine identity of which is mine, unique as it is. It is mine. I am who I am!

Peace Isha

Cassie

[NathalieX66]

I have a number of friends who are transsexual, and transitioned , and they are happy as a clam in the sand. They are at peace with themselves, finally. I am glad to have them as my friends.

Me, I'm a crossdresser. I go out dressed as female regularly. I travel on trains, I fly on planes as a woman. I wear dresses.

I am not exclusively female, I see myself as both genders. The reality is I am not less of a man, I am more whole as a person. That's the place I find myself most happy.

Unlike my transsexual friends, I never transitioned, or did HRT. My male parts still roar the same as any man. I'm still boringly, but madly attracted to women. However, I just happen to dress like one. Don't know why...just is. Now I'm happy.

[Anne2345]

I also told my therapist that I am afraid that the more I go out as Isha publicly, I am afraid the same thing will happen with my public life and that eventually male me will slip away.

I haven't a clue about all of the other stuff you have written, but the quote I referenced above appears to me to be the crux of your post. What exactly are you afraid of? What are you? Who are you? What do you want? Who do you believe yourself to be? In the end, you will be you. Or at least this is what you should strive for. I get fear. I lived my life in fear. But at the end of the day, you should assess what is truly important to you, and figure out how you desire to proceed. That starts with learning more about yourself, and not being "afraid" to answer the tough questions (assuming there are tough questions) and look behind the curtains.

[AllieSF]

I only occasionally dress at home to stay at home, mainly to try on outfits for my next time out. I dress to go out 1 to 2 times a week when I can. Since I get out so much, I rarely have the "necessity" to go out. I know that if I don't go out for 1 - 3 weeks, I eventually will, so no big worry or disappointment, nor frustration. That being said, I am very happy in both male and female modes. I don't worry about losing either mode. However, since I am a late starter, I sometimes wonder if I may eventually take further steps than necessary. Right now it is one step at a time.

I agree with your therapist that sometimes we do push the envelope, over indulge, take advantage of the situation to be happy when we can, etc. I have seen so many here over the years that I have been here that seem to spurt, race and charge forward to do everything and anything to "be" themselves, only to see them later take some steps back to regroup and maybe even slow down to actually try to enjoy the trip and not race toward the finish line, that they don't even know where it is. So, letting off some steam to reach a balance probably is more common than we realize and actually may be a good think. It gives us a pause after the surge to look at where we were, where we went and if that is the route we want to take.

[suchacutie]

Tina's appearance was completely unexpected 8 years ago, and so was the subsequent revelation that what we thought was a completely male person was really a mix that we could now begin to separate making both gendered selves more distinctly one gender or the other. My male self is now stronger than ever as a result. Understanding both of my genders has been a boon to both of them.

[Suzanne F]

Isha
I know that I have asked myself this question. It is rather obvious to my wife that I like being female more than male. I acknowledged that I am transgendered and not just a male wearing female clothes. I am afraid of letting my family down it I require more than just going out occasionally. I am trying to balance being the real me with what she needs from me. I don't think there is anything wrong with me admitting I have some fear about this. I have progressed a lot over the last 6 it 7 months and it is a lot to understand. I am trying to stay in each day and love and touch as many people as I can. I treasure my time with my wife more and more these days. However more and more of the time I feel like Suzanne. I know many of you scoff at anyone who says they struggle with this. I just want to say that I do struggle and I want to do the right thing.
Suzanne

[cdmorganashley]

well, i do not fear losing my male identity, as i don't really care for it... as for the other notions you brought up i think it comes down to repetition--the more we repeat an action or behavior the more it becomes automatic to do and similarly the things we stop practicing so much, require more conscious effort and start to feel unnatural... so, i guess i think if you want your male identity to remain a strong part of you it's going to take a commitment to spend time presenting as a male and doing the things that reinforce that identity to you... i don't see why this can't happen if you make it a goal and find balance in the time you spend as male and female...

[Bree Wagner]

1. Those of you who dress at home and occasionally go out but still spend a good portion of your time en male, do you fear losing your male identity?

3. For anyone who has experience the pink fog, did you find balance between the two halves or do you find it a constant struggle for control?

1. Nope. I've got to work at doing things in a feminine manner. Being male is far more natural for me, but I love exploring the other side of the aisle.

3. The stuggle is only based on circumstances. While home with the family I'd probably like to go out more than once a month or so, but circumstances make that difficult. I understand that and can live with it even if it isn't my ideal world. I certainly feel balanced, but that doesn't mean I might go off the deep-end for a few days or weeks if given the opportunity!

[MissTee]

Initially, while in the fog I thought that might be the case. Over the years it has not. I like male me and female me. Plenty of room for both, and I want to keep it that way.

[Tracii G]

I have come to grips with both sides and nope don't think Tracii will ever totally take over.She has made a huge difference overall and I would say 75% of me is hers.
The male side is the remainder that takes care of business and can be quite serious , Tracii is the bimbo nut case that lives in my body.

[MatildaJ.]

Tracii is the bimbo nut case that lives in my body.

Thanks for sharing that -- it made me nod in recognition and grin to myself.

[Cynthia Anne]

I'm not afraid of losing my male identity at all! If I was afraid I wouldn't be trying so damn hard to lose it!

[Patrice_CD]

A lot of interesting replies. Everyone has their own feelings and comfort level. I can say that my male side is gone and I have absolutely no intention of ever bringing him back. I live as me 24/7. I am married and have a wonderful relationship with my wife. Only a few steps to go and I'll be complete.

[Caitlin_85]

The male side is the remainder that takes care of business and can be quite serious , Tracii is the bimbo nut case that lives in my body.

That's quite how I feel...when I'm a male at work or other formal occasions...it's just taking care of business...as soon as I am home and free from the more pressing responsibilities of life - I'm Caitlin and just so relaxed and so much more "me". But to answer the question - I'm never afraid of losing my male identity...it will always be there in some fashion.

[Tamara Croft]

I've seen this time after time after time on this forum. Member comes out to wife and within a few days/weeks they are lost in pink fog... imho, this is what is happening to you, it's called 'new found freedom'... and after a while, it will either consume you and you'll end up in a straight jacket, or you'll get a grip with yourself and learn to balance it out

Happened with my SO, seriously got on my nerves lol... more clothes, more makeup, more wigs, more going out... blah blah blah... but that isn't enough, let's steal my makeup as well... then it faded out, which I'm glad about, because honestly, you have no idea what it's like living with a teenager (yes you lol)

[Oddlee]

Hmmm... Like another in this thread, i don't really feel that there are two of me, one masculine and one feminine. I asked a friend who has seen both aspects if she saw a difference. She said I walked differently en femme - well what can you expect between no heels and 3.5" heels? Anyway, I don't really think of myself as having two identities. I'm just me...

[AmyGaleRT]

This sort of thing happened to me, Isha...Sabrina really noticed it, too. After I came out to her, I was being Amy fairly often, but, eventually, I "settled down" and only did the transformation about once a week. It's been on an uptick recently; I've been Amy 2-3 times a week for the past couple of weeks, if only for a few hours at a time. So the pink fog has rolled in on me...but I lived through it.

I'm not afraid that my male identity will be "lost." In fact, I don't want to lose my male identity; Sabrina depends on that identity, and it has a professional reputation that attaches to it. Besides which, losing my male identity would be as bad for my goals as losing my female identity; I want to be someone who can function in society as either a man or a woman, and make myself a better person through these shared perspectives.

- Amy

[Jocelyn Quivers]

1. I hope my answers are not too confusing based on me using the multiple identities example, Currently it's like my male side is almost volunteering to go away, and it's my femme side almost desperately trying to hold on to it. Regardless of how further and further I go down the gender continuum I realize I was born male and a part of me will always be so. If that male side identity goes away completely I cease to exist as the person I am even in 100% girl mode. Essentially I need my male side, the strength,security, stability worth ethic, and determination it provides.

Or for a better example use the Star Trek TOS episode where Captain Kirk goes through a transporter accident and his good and evil sides are separated into 2 separate people neither of which can survive for long while apart.

3. Still looking for balance with the pink fog. This year was the year my male side kind of took revenge and payback for all of the excess of my pink fog expenses. Be it video games, professional dress suits, actual newer male wardrobe, and even pigging out and eating fast food. All of which had been neglected or outright abandoned for make up, electro. A real sticking sore point being that's usually $55.00, a session, yet I will bitch with my male side forever that it is unjustified to spend $20.00 on DLC for any video game, let alone any whining about buying GTA V.

[Beverley Sims]

Isha,
Slow down, you are going at 90 miles per hour.
You have advanced very well in your appearance and presentation.
You are likely to hit a brick wall, both you and your wife.
The magic of it all goes, you look at each other and say what now.
Keep what you have in the way of progress but temper it a little.

I have not lost my male identity and I don't think you need to either.
Enjoy life as it is but slow down and keep something for tomorrow.
You might really need that therapist if you continue at a breakneck speed.

[Jaymees22]

Isha,
Slow down, you are going at 90 miles per hour.
You have advanced very well in your appearance and presentation.
You are likely to hit a brick wall, both you and your wife.
The magic of it all goes, you look at each other and say what now.
Keep what you have in the way of progress but temper it a little.

I have not lost my male identity and I don't think you need to either.
Enjoy life as it is but slow down and keep something for tomorrow.
You might really need that therapist if you continue at a breakneck speed.

Hi, I agree with Beverly you need to slow down. I went a little nuts at first too. I'm the total opposite of the type A personality you may possess so it was easy for me to calm down at look at this in a more sensible way. For me, not taking myself or dressing too seriously was the way to go to preserve my identity and my sanity. After reading some of your posts I felt a little worried about you, I'm so happy to hear that you do have a therapist.

Hugs Jaymee

[Marcelle]

Hi Jaymee,

Thanks much. Yeah, I will have to slow things down a bit but very hard for us Type A folks.

It is funny, at first I didn't think I needed therapy but when I returned to my parent occupation as a military psychologist after such a long hiatus, therapy was required as part of the introspective learning before I could begin working with clients again. We discovered early in the session that it might be wise to explore this area a bit more in depth.

Hugs

Isha