Hi all. I promise this is not an Isha rant but more of a question which has cropped up in my own journey and I am looking for some feedback from all of you.
I know the title seems like a bit of an oddity considering that as CDers, most of us try to emulate women on some level be it just wearing the clothes or complete en femme (make-up, wigs, tucking, breast forms, etc.). The reason I have asked this question is that it came up in my therapy.
Last week in discussion with my therapist (who is a colleague and close friend) I told her that Isha is fast becoming a force of nature in my life and sometimes it gets hard to control her. The more I dress at home, the less I prefer to wear male attire . . . point in case wearing girl clothes and a wig (no make-up) as I type. My mannerisms are becoming for femme at home to the point where I have difficulty not doing so. Now this has not caused any tension between my wife and I but it is fast becoming an internalized worry. I also told my therapist that I am afraid that the more I go out as Isha publicly, I am afraid the same thing will happen with my public life and that eventually male me will slip away.
She told me that it is most likely an artefact of spending so much time denying and repressing a side of me that when I finally let go, it was like releasing a steam valve of emotion. It will steam out fast and furious in an uncontrolled manner but will eventually equalize and regain balance. Now being somewhat familiar with the human condition, what she says makes sense but still a part of me is concerned. I know this is referred to as the "pink fog" on this site and it seems aptly named.
In some of my original posts, I alluded to the fact that I felt my male and female identity were always one in the same. To some extent I believe that still. I can feel the calming emotional control that Isha brings when I am in male mode as I can feel the confidence and strength of my male side when I am en femme. However, there are times when I also feel they are distinctly in conflict with one another wrestling for possession of me in a "winner take all" game.
So my questions are:
1. Those of you who dress at home and occasionally go out but still spend a good portion of your time en male, do you fear losing your male identity?
2. For those of you who have decided to live most of your time en femme vice male, do you feel as though you have given up your male identity? . . . If you are TS I understand this is a different situation for you as you are a female trapped in a genetic male body.
3. For anyone who has experience the pink fog, did you find balance between the two halves or do you find it a constant struggle for control?
Really just curious what the community thinks and I welcome all responses from anyone on this. It is a big part of my journey now as I explore this with my therapist.
Hugs
Isha