Okay so I've been a member of this forum for almost a week now... And I must say that it's been very fun, educative and mind opening in a lot of levels among many things. The positive stories I've read, the good experiences shared by others, the heartache and trust put upon each members and the shoulders to lean on everyone offers daily. This has all made me feel very welcome, and so much "less different" as I used to feel a few weeks ago.
I think I've been very much at ease with myself in a lot of ways to the point that I can even post something like this right now in a very open hearted way. But at the same time, I feel kinda trapped... it's kinda like as if I've been transfered from this itty bitty cell, to a bigger cage from which I see the rest of the world so free. As they say, "the grass is always greener..." I know... but all the positive things create this kind of huge contrast between where I'd like to be and where I am now. I'm completely conscious that everything takes a toll on us, nothing is easy, and that you have to work hard. And I've gained a lot of security through reading everything I've managed to on the forums... But despite all this, I'm afraid. The more free I want to be, I get more afraid...
I've been dating a great girl for almost three years, and all this time, we've worked hard on our relationship to make it work no matter how big the problems are. In particular, the hardest one has been, in our case, my CD'ing. Since I first told her about it more than two years ago, I did so in a negative way... treating CDing as a problem I had. I went through therapy to try to control it, try to get rid of it, as I knew it would be something that would do more harm than good. I "stayed clean" for almost a year. Then I "fell" again... and after one discussion which nearly ended our relationship I finally thought about giving me permission instead of tearing us apart each time I did it. A few more conversations on, I was allowed to "partly dress", just underwear, no clothings.. some more conversations on, I thought she said "i don't care what you do, just keep me out of it". Fast forward to this weekend, after buying a few clothing items/wig and feeling kinda freed, we went to a new store which opened here. I, for the first time ever, actually enjoyed sorting through womens attire as we looked for something for her to buy... while at the same time wishing I could just buy something for me as well. At this point I was kinda feeling her support but I didn't want to push it. Back in the car I asked her if there would've been a problem if I bought something for myself and she instantly switched her mood and told me "we talked about this!! I said no clothing!!". I backed off and told her "okay okay" and just dropped it.... at the same time I felt kinda devastated. She wasn't supportive as I thought/wished and nothing had changed. But worse than that, I felt I had cheated on her through buying all this stuff she didn't actually approve. That feeling has me somewhat uneasy, and now that I write this... makes me quite sad actually. I've tried everything to go on slow with the subject, out of respect, out of love. I know it's hard for her, really... but does she know it is hard for me as well? I've told her a million times how I feel... but she's not to blame though and I don't want to make that impression. No one's to blame on this. This is a subject that puzzles me and has me very unease...
I feel like coming out to my loved ones, I have this urge to be free to just wear the clothes I want from time to time. But at the same time I'm scared as hell... scared of harming/being harmed, being rejected. Scared of losing that which I love, losing my gf or losing my family (we're not too close but still). It's the dichotomy, the duality of feeling secure and feeling so fragile at the same time which is lightly, but constantly, tearing me down small bit by small bit!
I know this is a lot to be read and not sure if very coherent, but it is what I feel right now...
I just want to be free! I don't really need to be out in nature itself, but I want to enjoy my national reserve park and walk around SAFELY in it. And it scares me...