When you can't take it anymore....

[Darla]

This kind if straddles the line between CD and Trans forums, but that's okay- I really have no idea where I belong anymore!

So to the point: what do you girls do when you just can't take it anymore? You dress a little, but circumstances don't really allow you to dress as much. Or you dress as much as you want but you really REALLY want to to not just dress anymore but want to start thinking about what that next step would be. You maybe wax and groom, but there's some pesky parts that you know you want/don't want but don't know how to start that process.

All these scenarios describe some sort of of tipping point where your head is about to explode.

Me - I'm sitting on the train and I hear two women having a conversation. Just a conversation! All I want is to not be a man - I want to be a woman - and say goodbye to all the lies and guy things. I know for a fact that I can barely take another day having to shave this awful beard, look at this awful body with hair everywhere where there shouldn't be.

My brother in law, son of two psychiatrists, once said that trans people are just unhappy people. Meaning that their unhappy first, and the "trans" part is a delusion - to mask the unhappiness they feel. It's just an outlet.

I reject that - I'm in pain and wished I was a girl from an early age. I prayed to my Catholic god to change me every night - well you know how fairy tales go.

Okay - back to the main question:

How do you deal? How do you decide to throw it all out the window and make a change?

Darla

[Beverley Sims]

I think you take it all on board, live with it for a while and as you go through life make decisions wisely judged on your situation.

[Marcelle]

Hi Darla,

In your question, I read you have more of a leaning toward TS in that you really want to be a woman (transition). However, it might not be that and it could very well be your feminine side is trying hard to exert. I have gone through a similar situation in which I felt like two halves were battling for my soul. A gender identity therapist helped me see past the confusion and I now know I am not TS but a CDer who likes to present as both genders in public.

I would highly recommend that you seek out a gender identity therapist if possible. They will be able to help you bring order to chaos and determine what your next steps are. It may be transition it may not be.

Hugs

Isha

[Rachelakld]

Hi Darla,
Sitting in the quiet of your lounge perhaps in the early hours and visualizing yourself 10 years from now, how would you see yourself, and again in 20 years and 30 years if you could have any life you could dream of.
Do this for a few weeks and you will probably start creating this new life.
A gender therapist might help you a bit quicker so that's also a very good path and they will have friends who can help with the next step.

Sorry about the god thing, reckon it's up to you to make your life your own.

[Anne2345]

You begin the process of transition when you have no other option. I would not wish full-blown gender dysphoria on my worst enemy. When things get so bad, you can't handle life, shit is too intense, your thoughts will not stop and race constantly, mercilessly, and chaotically out of control, and obsessive day in and day out, every single day, that you would rather die than continue on - then that's a powerful sign that you need to make a radical change within your life. Whether that is transition, beginning HRT, or something else altogether, only you can determine that. If you are not already in therapy (and who cares what your BIL thinks - being the "son" of two psychiatrists in not the same as having experience, education, and knowledge on the pertinent and relevant subject matter. SO you may as well toss his opinion out the window - it's worthless. As for his parents, do they have experience with trans patients? And if your BIL is seeking their input on your behalf - that is wrong. Simply put, see someone that is *not* related to you in your family. Seek out the wisdom, advice, and counsel of a professional therapist that has no conflicts of interest, and no agenda other than your mental health and well-being.

[Tracii G]

+1 to what Anne said.

[docrobbysherry]

U sound trand to me, Dartla. But, I'm no more qualified to advise u then the friend of an uncle of your doc's psychiatrist!

U need the help of an experienced, qualified therapist to help u know your options and choose your direction. And, in my experience he/she will!

[kimdl93]

Your brother in law is full of crap. That aside, I do think that the pursuit of happiness is a fruitless endeavor. The goal might be better expressed as satisfaction, peace of mind, contentment. From my perspective there may not be a personal tipping point, so much as a balance point between the image I'm obliged to present in some circumstances and the real I am when those obligations have been met. Not everyone can find that balance and I'm afraid that the only way to find it is by trial and error.

[I Am Paula]

While Anne makes very good points, I think that GD effects each person differently.
Mine was a deep down gnawing at my insides. I JUST KNEW I had to be a girl. I was not in chaos, or out of control, just that the elephant in the room was never silent.
My tipping point was when I could no longer present male. I started getting anxious, then physically sick getting ready to go out as a male. Presenting female full time helped, but that damn elephant was still there. Pardon the elephant analogies, so just one more. One day the elephant had grown so big, it pushed me out of the room. Nowhere to go, and stuck between genders. Professional help time!
See a good therapist, work out what you are, and where your going. The suffering is needless, as there is proven therapy.

[Kate Simmons]

As others have already said, if you can't figure things out yourself, you may need to talk to someone Hon.

[Darla]

Thanks everyone, and yes - I'm in therapy. It's just does a little more than no good some days when you can talk about your feelings, but then walk back out into the world and realize that al your life you pretty much have been setting up fences around what could be your path to happiness. I can't let down my immediate family, wife and kids by taking a wrecking ball to everything I've built up, but at the same time, all these things seem worthless as I increasingly can't cope. And that has so much to do with who I see myself as versus who I present to the outside world.

And everything is a trigger! All around. Everyday. How can you explain to your spouse that a TJ maxx commercial could send you into a pit of despair? Who the heck understands this? Do I even? A pair a ballet flats lying in the hallway seem like the forbidden fruit.

Yeah yeah - I know. I'm holding myself back. It's me.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Hi Darla --

Speaking as the child of a psychiatrist, I can tell you with confidence that you should ignore the diagnostic opinions of the child of a psychiatrist.

[Karren H]

I don't think I've ever been to a plae where I wanted to chuck it all and change everything... I find that I just had to deal with the cards I've been dealt and make the best of them.... I have changed small things like my body... lol... but i just don't get depressed about what didn't happen ow could have happened.... and it's worked amazingly well for me...

[TeresaCD]

What I have found, Darla, since I started to embrace this part of me, is I have done little things along the way.
I'm hair free pretty much, use clear polish on my hands, have coloured toenails often.
I tend to wear tight jeans when not at work, underdress sometimes.
You may have guessed, my SO is supportive.
Then another girl was telling me about something called GEDAD - Gender Expression Deprivation Anxiety Disorder.
Basically, when we are unable to express ourselves in our chosen gender, it makes us anxious.
One of the ways to deal, as you put it, is to do little things to express ourselves, like I'd been doing instinctively..
As to throwing it out the window, I think it's good to look at counselling of some kind from an impartial and sympathetic person.
It's no small step, and has lasting ramifications.
I have a 'big sister' , who, like me, loves her family very much, and has GD.
Knowing family is most important has helped her find a way to make it work.
Not easy, but doable..