So, what the heck am I?

[Desirae]

I've been dressing on and off for over 40 years. I done pretty much everything that everyone else on these forums have. I've purged. I've taken drives dressed. A few walks in a very secluded area. I've never truly went out dressed, though. I've never "fully" dressed. I've never had everything to fully dress; ie wig, makeup, etc. I guess I've always fought it and won? Most of the time, perhaps 99.9% of the time, the limited dressing I do is only for sexual release, That has never went away for me. Yes, I have thought about getting out of the proverbial closet for years and years but have never made that happen. I have daydreams and even night dreams (sometimes) about being out somewhere dressed with others. I've gotten to the point where I can just imagine myself dressed and that's enough for me to get to "you know what". I've "imagined" myself in "hetero" relationships with men. I have only imagined myself with a man while I was either dressed or when I imagined myself dressed. I have never been with a man in the physical sense. I've had numerous girlfriends over the years. Maybe not lately or in quite some time, but when I was younger. I am sexually attracted to women. I've also imagined that I have no "tool" while also being "with" a man. That also will allow me to reach a "climax".

Sounds pretty screwed up, huh? Maybe that's why I'm single, never married, and no children. I hope this post isn't out of the bounds of this forum. It's not meant to be. It's just things I have felt, thought about and what resulted.

[Steph_CD_62]

In my opinion you are a typical crossdresser.

[Julie Gaum]

Don't know how long you've been scanning this Forum but if it has only been a brief time then suggest you keep reading until you find a clue to your own identity. At the moment you are in the fetish-only group of CDs --- nothing wrong with that as some remain in that niche all their lives. If you are now in your 50s you haven't yet passed through the period of most sexual activity and that would bring up the question that you need to answer to yourself --- do you want to spend the rest of your life alone? And why do you believe that you have either rejected making a commitment to a woman or have always been rejected by them? There are many unspoken and probably unconceptualized issues that need answering. This Forum can, over time and questions asked, only help on the narrow CD identity issues. Perhaps a competent counselor may assist before much more time has gone by --- life is too short to waste!
Julie.

[Desirae]

In my opinion you are a typical crossdresser.

I appreciate the input from you. When I was reading through many of the postings from the other members, "most" of them said that the sexual aspect of the dressing went away for them and now it was just "more comfortable" for them and they now dressed just to make them feel good and not aroused. I guess I am just wondering, or confused, as to why that hasn't happened to me. I mean the urge is there all the time for me, but it goes as quickly as it came when I'm through. Maybe I'm just jealous that I haven't reached "more" from my desires. It's not like I don't want to. I really, truly admire everyone on here who has summoned up the courage to venture out and/or live their lives in the way that makes them happy. I've just never been able to find that courage. That's probably why, or a big part of, why I'm so sad all the time. You'd think that if I were just a typical crossdresser, I would have been able to find some happiness from it like so many others have. Now I guess I'm back to the jealousy. Why not me?

[Laura912]

Very carefully read what Julie said. There are years of wisdom behind her thoughts, with which I strongly agree. You are you, an individual, so you may not find the precise pigeon hole to stick yourself in but is that bad?

[Desirae]

Thank you for responding. I'm 48. I've been engaged to a woman. We broke it off before marriage (obviously). The break up had nothing to do with my CDing, or TVing, or anything like that. We were just arguing all the time and stopped clicking. When I was with my ex, I didn't CD at all. Not that I didn't think about it. I did. Heck no, I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. But, there are a lot of alone people in the world. Heck, there are many just on my street. Many are alone from divorces, but have been so for 20, 30 or more years. I lost my job (another post), so I don't think counseling is going to happen now. I often think about my age and think to myself that it is way too late, anyway. It's not like I don't think about getting out. I think about it all the time. Maybe I'm just to mixed up to help.

Hi Laura. Thanks for chiming in. I don't know. Maybe it is bad. I sort of perceive it as bad. You know that phrase, "man with no country"? I sort of feel like that, except it's "TV or CD or ? with no group to identify with. It's like I don't fit anywhere. I know the way I am now, how I have been for the past 40+ years, is like stagnant. It's been the same for 40+ years. I'm tired. The weight on my shoulders has worn me out. I just at a loss.

[jackie_p]

Desirae

I agree with Happilymarriedguy, I think you are more normal than you realize. Most on this forum
either have been or are where you say you are now. Yes, some get to the point where the sexual
aspect leaves. I personally am 54 and while I love to dress for many reasons, I still can get sexually
excited especially if that is what I am looking for. I'm sure that many on here would admit that there
Still is a sexual thrill to it. But it is technically only a fetish if that is the only way for you to get
aroused.

I think you should just accept that you are a little different, that there is nothing wrong with it, but
that shouldn't stop you being happy and go put yourself out there. You are no more "messed up"
than anyone else so don't beat yourself up too much.

Hugs Jackie

[Desirae]

You know, when I was a kid, I used to go to sleep wishing I would wake up as a woman. That went on for years, maybe from like 7 or 8 to my early teens at least. Maybe I stopped wishing when I realized it was never going to happen. I didn't know why. There wasn't really any information out there back then. I'm not even sure when I learned of what crossdressing was. Now, on Oprah and other TV shows, I see these really young children who learn about and know what they feel at such an early age. They get HRT before puberty even kicks in. A lot of them become who they really are before they are even out of their teen years. They are so lucky. They have their whole life in front of them. I never got that chance when I was a child. Things could have been so much better. All those young years wasted. All the experiences of those young years never realized. I am just so jealous of those kids in today's world. I know I should be happy for them. I am on some level. But, I'm unhappy for me and jealous of them.

Hi Jackie. I don't want it to be just a fetish. Is it still a fetish if I can just imagine it in my mind and achieve the same result? What about thinking about guys while I'm dressed (or imagining I'm dressed) and becoming aroused from that? How do I get to that inner peace? I feel like everything about me is in an uproar. It's all been an uproar for over 40 years now. How much uproar can someone take? I think this "me" as I am right now is killing me. Where does the peace come from? I need peace more than I need happiness.

[Beverley Sims]

You have expressed the feelings of a young early experience crossdresser.
Those feelings will stabilise over time and you will have other fantasies to replace the present ones.

Screwed up> No.

Looking for an identity? Maybe.

Don't over think the situation. Just stay good and careful.

[Desirae]

Hi Beverley. Young? I'm 48. I don't feel young nor do I look young. Wouldn't things have "stabilized" by now after 40+ years of this?

[Rachelakld]

Hi Desirae,
Well half way through I was going to ask why your had not yet tried a guy, just for fun or whatever until the last 2 sentances where you clarified your peferance.
However I'm still tempted to say, maybe try living the dream and see if it makes life better for you, and if it works, see where the journey takes you.
Moving forward in a new direction sounds better than standing still.
Best of luck

Rachel

[Vickie_CDTV]

Despite the transgender community party line, transvestic fetishism can last a lifetime. At least for some it can, it is not unheard of. It does not "go away" for everyone.

[Violet-13]

what ever you want to be?

[Rachael Leigh]

For me it's changed a bit over the years, it started as a fetish and sexual release was almost always a part of my dressing than that part wasn't as important, problem was sex wasn't important at all, but eventually I figured out that being able to dress and be happy with that made me feel sexy as a person. Eventually I think it made me a better lover to my wife. Not sure why but just does.
As far as young children getting HRT, before they go thru puberty I really think that is very sad. There is just know why a child that young can determine what they are at that age, I know I will be knocked around for this opnion but that's what it is my opnion.

[EmilyPith]

No easy answer, no simple diagnosis. You are a shade of color somewhere between.

But you are not alone.

[Barbara Ella]

Desirae, you are not screwed up at all. It can be totally confusing when one tries to put oneself into a neat box with a bow and label on it. You cannot be labeled, and neither can the rest of us here. This is one great assemblage of terribly individualistic people. I feel like you are an individual who wants to be in a different situation than you find yourself in. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you find yourself doing. It may change, it may never change. Your reaction to what you do is important.

Too many feel shame when the "deed" is done and they immediately take off their clothing with feelings of disgust. i do not get that feeling from what you have written. As long as you can enjoy what you are doing, you should just keep doing it. It is hard to find that box we want to fit in, but continue to be a rebel and groundbreaker and enjoy.

Barbara

[Michelle789]

Desirae,

Dressing for sexual reasons is quite normal, and many do and just won't admit that sexual release is at least a part of their dressing. It may be only 2% for some, 50% for others, and 98% for others. But it's there. You may be CD, TS, or gender fluid, or something else in between.

Perhaps you should consider seeing a gender therapist, and seeking out a TG support group in your area. I am definitely going to do both of those in the near future (I won't put an exact date on anything). Also, try experimenting with full dressing. Dress to the nines as they say here. There is plenty of useful information on this forum that can help you in your journey. See how you feel. Do you feel comfortable while dressing? Could your sexual fetish be so strong because you have no other outlet to express your feminine side? Maybe you're always pressed for time, or do not feel like you can safely venture out while dressed? Maybe you have a lot of fears.

Since I've joined this forum two months ago, I've grown substantially. I learned a lot about myself, and also have improved my presentation, and am beginning to overcome fears.

I wish you best of luck on your journey

[Brooklyn]

You sound like a typical crossdresser. If you want some peace, get over the shame and accept who you are. Also, you're waaay overdue for some real outings! Find a group to meet up with; it's more fun in numbers and safer that way. Have fun and be yourself!

[NicoleScott]

I reject the idea that has been suggested that your life is incomplete unless you find a life partner. Many people are perfectly content to remain single, and given the divorce rate, it's too bad more people don't.
We didn't ask for the drive to crossdress, whether the drive is sexual or to express a strong internal feminine identity. Too often here I've seen attitudes that if you have a feminine identity, it's Ok and you should be able to "just be yourself", but if your dressing is driven by a sexual fetish, you ain't right and need therapy. Yes, anything (gambling, drinking, golf, or CDing) can disrupt a normal life if allowed to get out of control, but let's not define out of control as remaining single into your 50's.
Desirae, that your CDing remains sexual is not uncommon, nor are your daydreams and fantasies.
Finally, since CD and TV are the same thing, you are both. The only difference is English-based vs. Latin-based.

[Kate Simmons]

My advice would be to concentrate on getting to know yourself and WHO you are, rather than WHAT you are. What naturally follows who.

[Tracii G]

This ^^^

[Marleena]

As far as young children getting HRT, before they go thru puberty I really think that is very sad. There is just know why a child that young can determine what they are at that age, I know I will be knocked around for this opnion but that's what it is my opnion.

Actually these children are transsexual and the idea is to block puberty until they can decide legally for themselves. Nothing is more traumatic to a TS child than going through puberty of the wrong gender than they know themselves to be. They will be better adjusted for life in their own core gender. I wish I would have had the chance to decide as a child. Look up the topic and learn.

[NicoleScott]

What do I know, I'm just a CDer. But LeeR, I agree with Marleena. Many children at a very young age know, and it's confusing to them. The world's expectations are based on the equipment between the legs rather than what's in the child's brain. Probably too young to understand the mismatch, and wanting to be compliant(that is, behaving as expected), the kids are confused and unhappy. We've read from many members exactly that - boys that knew at a very early age that they were girls. There's nothing to decide other than how to correct the mismatch, and the sooner the better.
But you shouldn't get knocked around for having an opinion.

[Michelle789]

Too often here I've seen attitudes that if you have a feminine identity, it's Ok and you should be able to "just be yourself", but if your dressing is driven by a sexual fetish, you ain't right and need therapy.

I don't see anything wrong or abnormal about dressing for sexual reasons. I do think sometimes if someone dresses for sexual reasons there is actually a female identity underneath it all, and dressing for sexual reasons may be because you, for whatever reason, are unable to express your female identity or female side any other way. This can be due to fear, lack of time (let's face it sexual dressing takes way less time than full dressing), poor time management, high testosterone levels even for a male, guilt, feelings of being overwhelmed in trying a non-sexual expression. Sexual expression is expression, and if you feel you need to move on beyond the sexual expression, than try it.

Since OP was concerned about the sexual dressing, I suggested she see a therapist to help her sort it out, and also to try non-sexual dressing and see if it helps. Sometimes, sexual dressing may even be extremely repressed transsexualism...I'm not saying that's for sure what it is either, but another reason to see a therapist to determine if transition is the way to go...once again I'm not saying that she needs to transition, but there are as many reasons behind sexual dressing as there are behind non-sexual dressing. I just think if OP is really feeling stressed by it, maybe a therapist can help to sort things out. Yes it is possible for a sexual dresser to be TS, especially if they had the early childhood TS feelings of knowing they were a girl. I think OP mentioned some early TS childhood feelings in a later post.

Another thing, seeing a therapist doesn't mean something's wrong with you, but rather simply getting another, professional, head to listen and help you figure out what's happening and what to do about it.

There's nothing wrong with staying single either, I prefer to be that way given the divorce rate and stresses of marriages even for non CD, and for us it's even worse unless we're in the lucky few who have accepting SO.

If anything is wrong, it's poor time management and fear, both of which can be worked on.

Desirae, just be yourself and accept yourself. You can learn and grow a lot from this forum, I certainly have

[sometimes_miss]

Hi Jackie. I don't want it to be just a fetish. Is it still a fetish if I can just imagine it in my mind and achieve the same result?

It's a fetish if you need it to function sexually.

What about thinking about guys while I'm dressed (or imagining I'm dressed) and becoming aroused from that?

You probably have some degree of homosexuality. There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people are bi; like anything else, there are degrees, some are 'mostly' hetero, some are 'mostly' homo, and the rest are somewhere in the middle. Like Carlin said, that can be a good thing; it doubles the number of people you can have sex with.

How do I get to that inner peace? I feel like everything about me is in an uproar. It's all been an uproar for over 40 years now. How much uproar can someone take? I think this "me" as I am right now is killing me. Where does the peace come from? I need peace more than I need happiness.

Peace comes with accepting who you are. Then you have to deal with the potential sadness of being alone, because lots of people never find a compatible mate. For us, less than 1% of women consider us potential partners. So once you find someone who is otherwise compatible, you still only have a one in one hundred possibility of her wanting to continue to even date you. Best bet is as someone else here recommended. Hang out with gay girls, and get them to take them with you when they go out to gay clubs. Let them know you're interested in non sexual intimate relationships, as you understand that what you do can be a turn off; but you still want someone to date, hold hands, go to movies, etc., even if it doesn't mean sex, ever (because for women, love must come first, and if it does, sex will almost always follow anyway).
Right now I'm having success by being on a crossdressing 'sabatical'. It's hard. I know eventually I might 'fall off the wagon'. If and when it happens, I will admit to her that 'I used to be a crossdresser', and take it from there, and hope for the best. But I will not let what happened in the past doom me to spending my life alone anymore. I don't care if it's potentially dishonest or not. There are plenty of things that women don't tell us when we start dating, and it all gets forgiven at some point. I demand equal time, and equal forgiveness, and I won't change my mind.