Unique way to "out" yourself

[Lorileah]

I am "out" to most of my family and acquaintances. I have delayed telling my dad (but he is going to find out soon...no choice) and my brother. Well, not my brother anymore. I posted on my male Facebook page that "if you need to get a hold of me quickly, post on Lori's page because i don't read the "male" page very often. Lori will friend any on my friends." I forgot, my brother's wife is a friend to my male self...guess who sent a friend request. It's OK, they are cool with it.

Now, I just have to figure out how to tell dad. He doesn't do Facebook. He will be coming out to see me Christmas time I am sure and I don't do "male" anymore. (with acceptation of "crossdressing" as a guy for shows...). My other brother came out as gay to him last month...just isn't his year...

I think it will be ok...but exactly how do you do it? A letter? A phone call? I am sure answering the door in a peignoir and a glass of red wine on Christmas eve is wrong...right? The hard part (in my mind) is that he has always considered me the "golden child". The oldest, the one with a college degree. I don't want to fall off that pedestal. OTOH, my stepsister is a friend on my page so maybe she will let it slip....

[Marcelle]

Hi Lori,

Quite the dilemma, I do wish you luck with your dad. The Facebook page is an interesting way to come out to your friends and I like the "Lori will friend any of my friends". I am not quite there yet myself as I have only come out to my younger sister and a few friends I hope I get the courage to go all in at some point.

Hugs

Isha

[Amy Lynn3]

Send him a picture, with a note that says....this is my other half. That would put thoughts in my mind, that needed to be answered, maybe his to.

I really don't have the best answer, but I'm sure many smart members will be along soon, with answers.

[susie evans]

hi lorie
just a thought on my part as an older person with 6 kids I think I would prefer to find out in person , I know when my youngest daughter (32) told me about her life style she did it in person and even though as a parent you never know what will happen next at least I could hug her and let her know that my love for her was unconditional
I wish you the best

Susie

[I Am Paula]

My Dad was one of the last people I had to come out to. And the scariest. He is also quite old, so my sister suggested 'Just show up, and if he notices, just tell him you've always looked like that.' HaHa. More seriously, my sister sort of opened the door for me, and started the ball rolling. Then his private nurse furthered the dialog, and warned him I was to be arriving as ME. I walked in the door, and he sorta just said 'Hi'. His 'son' just walked in fully femme, and....no response. I really thought he was more far gone than the nurse had warned me. His mind really was going. A whole evening together, with no mention of my presentation!
The next morning I came down to breakfast, already made up and hair done (I don't get the mail without makeup!). Again nothing. Almost anti-climax. Then, when everybody had left the table, and his nurse gone to make up his room, he said 'So, you're transsexual. I did a lot of reading on the internet, and I don't understand it all, except, that if this is what you need, I'm glad it makes you happy.' I asked why he took so long to say something, and he just said he was waiting for the right time. He asked my female name, and said he'd try to remember to use it. (he hasn't yet). He then welcomed me to the family, 55 years later. I couldn't have gone better, considering his age, and dementia.

[Desirae]

Since I have never done this, I can't speak from experience. However, I'd say whatever works for you is good. With that said, as a part-time CD, I don't think this is a way I would choose. For a TS it might be different. It seems, to me, as a "hit you over the head with a brick method". It might just be me. If I were ever to do something like this, I think a one on one, sit down approach, with some type of lead up into the discussion, would be best, at least for me. And I would do it in drab. Maybe I'd have a picture ready of some sort if they wanted to see it. If not, then that is OK, too. I'd "see" if they wanted to meet my female persona in person, if they'd be comfortable with that. After all, there IS more than just one person to consider. It's not all about us. They matter, too. Just my thoughts on it.

[julia marie]

Just thinking about how I would want to be told as a father, particularly if my son was committed to the new lifestyle, as you are. (Whether that son was transexual, gay, or living with some other major secret.) I don't know how you stand in terms of cash or where your father lives, but if you can afford a plane ticket, tell him in person. But, maybe do it in neutral clothes (then later in the visit you can show him the Lori in full regalia). Good luck, I'm sure he will be fine with it.

[kathtx]

Lori, I'm glad the unplanned outing to your brother turned out OK. As for the conversation with your father, I'm one more in the "in person, in neutral clothing" chorus.

[Chickhe]

Too negative thoughts. You have to believe that what you are doing it right and then it is just a matter of not being too concerned about his opinion. Someone can have their own opinion about something you do, but it doesn't mean they discard everything else they think about you. So, I would just make sure he is not the last person to know...that might hurt him the most. Personally, I would just show up at his door this Thursday in a dress to break the ice...

[Beverley Sims]

Dress as he remembers you, do it in person and take some of your stage shots showing your activities.
The longer you go on the harder it will be.
Best he not find out from another source.

[Angela Campbell]

I can't tell my Dad. He died a few years ago, and I really am not sure how he would have handled it. He was pretty much in opposition to gays and quite sternly so. No telling how he would react to me being transsexual. Everyone else in the family I told the same way. I sat down with them alone and just told them I was going to transition. I did this in male dress before I started being a woman all the time. Most took it pretty well a few.....well the jury is still out I guess. He would not have disowned me or anything but he would not have been receptive to it at all I imagine. I would have told him If I could have though. (not much choice if I am going to transition)

So there. For me I didn't try to fancy it up, I just sat them down and told them. Face to face is what I did so I could see the reactions and answer questions. Explain what they do not understand, and prepare them for the coming months.

It was much harder thinking about it before hand than it was actually telling them.

[EllieOPKS]

So how did your dad react to your brother coming out as gay? How is your relationship with your dad? Are you transitioning or Cding? Is it important to you that he knows about Lori? You've probably figured out by my questions as well as other posts that I look at sharing information on a "needs to know basis". I won't share information ESPECIALLY if I have the remotest concern that it might hurt them. Just my thoughts

[AllieSF]

You know what to do. No letter for sure. Just give him a call and let him know before he gets on the plane. It will be better coming from your mouth rather than someone else's.

[Stephanie47]

If dad took your brother's coming out OK, he'll probably be OK with you too. Parents have a tendency to weigh the pluses and minuses of their children. Not all. Some have deep engrained bias feelings about everything. From your posts I know I am older than you and most on this site. After awhile nothing shocks us anymore. I've found the people who still hold old bias attitudes have a lot of insecurity about themselves. They take it as a reflection upon themselves. If my son is gay or a cross dresser that must mean dad did something wrong.

Just have a one on one discussion over a cup of coffee. Wear normal male clothing.

[Rachelakld]

I was dressed as I usually dress while holidaying at his new house, we did a hard days work and were winding down for the night and I asked him if I could change in to something I find more relaxing and more feminine. He said sure

[Lorileah]

Hi Lori,

The Facebook page is an interesting way to come out to your friends and I like the "Lori will friend any of my friends".

My classmates who are on FB know that way. They took it well, I guess. No one unfriended me.

Personally, I would just show up at his door this Thursday in a dress to break the ice...

Too bad he lives 400 miles away. If he were closer this would have been over a long time ago. He lives in Nebraska...think "To Wong Foo..." uh huh..they still think like that there. The world will go to hell because of trannies and gays.

So how did your dad react to your brother coming out as gay? How is your relationship with your dad? Are you transitioning or Cding? Is it important to you that he knows about Lori?

My brother lived with the same man for 18 years, moving from place to place and even moving to Vegas together. I think it was rather obvious long before he came out but you know people, they tend to put things in their own perspective. I would say he "knew" but didn't want to know. But the answer was the classic "We love you no matter who you are." In my case, he knows me as the one who can do construction, electrical, help work on the stock car, pour concrete. But he also knows I don't do that most the time. My relationship with him is good. It wasn't for a long time because he has...had...has certain shall I say quirks about things. Very much a "a man is always in charge." of his wife. Used strength to put his point across. He has mellowed but part of how he was is why I am hesitant to tell right now. That and the fact I don't want to hurt his feelings. In a recent phone call to my mother (they are divorced) when I told her about my transitioning she said "Your father never wanted a daughter." Well guess what dad, you got one. But I think his attitude on that may have mellowed with his current wife who has two daughters (adult) that he is extremely close to. Still not the same as your oldest son coming and telling you that he is going to be a woman now. Point of order here...I am transitioning, no longer living as a "CD", living 24/7 RLE now. I would find that keeping being a CD a secret from him easy. Did it for 50 years.

I don't want to wait for him to visit me to find out now. That, I think, would be cruel. If he decided to not accept it, then he has a 400 mile drive home with his teeth clenched. I pity the other drivers. I believe that would be the unlikely scenario. He will be shocked, he may be a little angry but he will get over it...two three years. He may not come and visit me as often but with his age, that is already happening and I can't get away from my business (hint for those thinking of opening your own business...vacations will be few and far between unless you have a really great staff and/or in my case someone who can do YOUR job while you are gone). My current plan is to call my stepmother one morning (Dad still works 5 days a week...will until he absolutely cannot anymore which is good) and tell her. Then she can tell me how she thinks he will take it and I will probably call him a few days later. I thought about mailing him a letter. Seems too impersonal. No matter how I do it, it won't be a show up and jump out moment. He has to know before he sees it himself.

[linda allen]

If you can't talk to him face to face (dressed as the man he remembers), a phone call would be best. Letting him find out from others or just posting it on social media hoping he will find it is no way to treat your father.

[angela2112]

My dad is a neanderthal and would kick my head in if I showed up at his house in a dress ..... but as I only dress because I enjoy it, it will never be an issue, thankfully

[reb.femme]

......Now, I just have to figure out how to tell dad....
I think it will be ok...but exactly how do you do it? A letter? A phone call? I am sure answering the door in a peignoir and a glass of red wine on Christmas eve is wrong...right? The hard part (in my mind) is that he has always considered me the "golden child". The oldest, the one with a college degree. I don't want to fall off that pedestal. OTOH, my stepsister is a friend on my page so maybe she will let it slip....

Educated and devious.............have you considered politics?

Sometimes, the contrived method, ie via the step sister, does allow the receiver to process the information prior to confronting the real situation. My dad would have disowned me....full stop.

I would happily come out to my three sons but I know my eldest would find it difficult. He was hardest hit when one of my other sons came out as gay years back. The younger two would probably have a giggle and rib me with it for years, such is our family style of wicked humour.

Rebecca

[ReineD]

How to tell your dad?

I definitely think you should tell before his Christmas visit. The ideal would be to tell him in person but out of respect for his age given this would be quite a big surprise, to initially show up not dressed in a feminine manner and also without makeup. Maybe you could wear women's jeans & polo shirt, with unisex shoes. Can you spare a weekend sometime between now and Christmas? The next best thing, in my opinion, is to tell via a long and heartfelt letter which is followed through rather quickly by a telephone call. Maybe say in your letter that you will be calling him the next day.

Good luck with this, Lori.

[Steph_CD_62]

In my opinion face to face is the best way to tell your father. You said you don't do "male" anymore with the exception of "crossdressing" as a guy for shows. Well maybe you need to dress as a male, so you can let him know how you normally dress.

My father has died, but he found out in a unique way. My ex-wife got mad at me for something (not even sure what now) so she took all my clothes and threw them in the front yard of my parents house. I was at work when this happened so needless to say my parents were the ones that picked up all my women's clothing. They asked me if they were mine and I said yes. Nothing else was ever said about it.

I hope all goes well when you do tell him.

[I Am Paula]

How come Mom's are so easy. Tell them you're a girl now, hug, make tea. Easy
Which ever way you choose, good luck.

[julia marie]

Lori. I had originally suggested going to meet him in person, but it sounds like work won't allow that. In that case definitely go with a phone call. However, set up the call ahead of time, rather than a cold call. Whether through voicemail, email, a message through the stepmom, whatever, tell him you want to talk to him about something -- emphasize that you think it's good news, to ease his heart -- and say, "Let's talk tonight at 7". That way he's not in the middle of getting ready to run errands, having company, whatever, and you both have time to walk things through.

[kimdl93]

I wouldn't wait till Christmas. Maybe a letter first, followed by a phone call and then an in person introduction to the new and vastly improved you. You're still the golden child, and now your hair will match!

[Tracii G]

Reine's plan I think is a very good plan.