Anne, I may have misspoken earlier.Originally Posted by DebbieL
I understand losing people because they do not approve of the transition whether they think it is morally or culturally wrong. I know this happens especially among family, some friends, and employers. But in your case your ex-friend did understand you and your transition, it was the emotional difficulty of what you were going through that she couldn't take?
Reine
Reine, she cut me off so abruptly and completely that I honestly don't know whether it was the emotional difficulty of what I was going through that she couldn't handle, or that it was the fact that I am in the process of transition itself. Either way, it is quite obvious that she places the blame on me. And as LeaP pointed out, her text was practically dripping with contempt (which I honestly do not understand, or can even begin to comprehend coming from her).
Regardless, at no point over the course of our relationship did I ever abandon her when she needed me. Just the opposite, in fact. Rather than run, I had helped her many times through her own emotional issues and difficulties. I also significantly helped her develop, cultivate, grow, and make possible her professional career. Of course, like any good, deep, meaningful friendship and relationship, it was a two-way street. She always had my back. She was there for me when I needed her. She was just as good to me as I was her. I trusted her implicitly, and she I. We shared much together, had good times and did much.
We were such good friends, in fact, that she was among the first few friends I came out to.
@JessM - having read your posts, I believe I understand where you are coming from. Clearly, you have experience with this from the "reverse" side, and I really appreciate your insight and comments. In so far as Dawn cd posted, though, that you would have reworded - I would not reword it. Although true it may also be revealing, of more significance and importance to me as I was going through it was how much it really, really hurt at the time. Make no mistake, my friend was not just some nice, regular rank and file friend that I lost. My friend was among those very few within my innermost trusted, loved, and appreciated circle of friends. When she cut me off and ended our friendship, particularly in the manner she did, it devastated me. It hurt much. As such, I would leave Dawn's wise and accurate words exactly as is.
In any event, I deserved better than that. I am no less human than she is, or you are, or any less human than anyone else here or anywhere else. And I would not do such a thing to you, her, or anyone else. Not like she did, anyways. I mean, if she couldn't handle it, she couldn't handle it. I suppose friendships and relationships like this break down or fail for whatever reason(s) every single day of the year in this world. It happens, and I get that it happens. But that doesn't justify what happened here, or how it went down, and it certainly doesn't make it right, either.
I am so sorry you were hurt but honestly IMHO I think you are better off. She probably would have done the same if you had gotten sick or had a family emergency and you heeded her support.
What really gets me is her remark to you! Who does this high and mighty b&#ch think she is?
You are better off without her. As a last though, don't be surprised if one day she calls you one day because she needs something. You know what your answer is already.
Wishing you the best.
You're right, of course. It doesn't matter if she rejected you out disagreeing with transition or out of an inability to deal with the emotions. The truth is that you lost someone who was akin to a family member and I am really sorry.
Reine
There are a few things that you might not have considered yet Anne. Remember we live a life of deceit prior to coming out and transition. Not only do we not disclose ourselves but we actively work on deceiving most of those that are really close to us. I have no idea of the character of your friend, but I suspect she is of the same profession and someone who believes that she has insight into people. I did, and I know so did you. In fact by your own description of your past you engaged in activities that completely masked what was brewing inside.
Put yourself in her shoes: you are a guy in her eyes, you have become a mentor, you have shared personal moments and emotional cliff were navigated by the two of you to support and assist the other. She likely saw a strong male friend in you. And you let her.
Then you come out to her and everything that made you an anchor for her, everything on which she relied in her perception of you was either a lie or utter deceit. We pay for this. I think precisely because she was this close this is her reaction. She might very well feel that all of her feelings and emotions for you as a friend, confident, mentor, shoulder to cry on were met with one big huge f*cking lie. It's easy to be supportive and accepting when you have no stake in it. That is why the people closest to us often draw the line and reject us outright. We have, actively and willingly made fools of them and they don't know if everything that they believed was real.
I am not defending her but when we are hurt as you are we don't tend to be quite as fair as we should be.
Last edited by Kathryn Martin; 11-02-2013 at 05:11 AM.
"Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)
so... in a certain sense you are saying that we simply PAY the toll of have not recognizing our cards before?
Her text message could have been:
"You were so total blind that you did not recognize YOUR OWN cards, you bluffed, you make me think that you had a KING and you have a QUEEN instead. You recognize them years later, so live with it!"
Bas,
I am not so sure about the "not recognizing our cards" meme. Are you telling me that you just discovered you wanted to be a girl? That all of your life it never even crossed your mind that you were born with a birth defect. That you were totally honest with your friends and family and represented to them, physically, emotionally and intellectually exactly the man you were meant and born to be? Did you not know that there was something the matter with you until recently?
Are you trying to excuse yourself? Trying to find the "out" on this so that you, Anne, we all get away scot free? What we do to people when we transition is really shitty and no I do not believe that our family and friends owe us an allegiance of any kind. But all of this gets lost in the playing of the victim card that people do so easily and quickly here. What our friends and family give to us in love and understanding is a grace not an obligation and if you have not figured this out then don't transition. As long as you think that you're owed anything at all after calling your entire previous life, everything that you have said, feelings you have expressed and actions you have taken into question, you really should get your head examined. Or are you saying that you were mentally ill all that time during which you lived your male life, delusion of male grandeur perhaps.
The problem is that it is so apparent from this thread that everyone appears to comfort Anne and say how horrible her friend was. Guess what, what Anne did to her friend, her friend gave right back. But that of course is an inconvenient truth. If people would spend more time thinking about these things, and not wallow in guilt and victim-hood, maybe life would be better. And then maybe, we can start earning back the trust and the love of those that we love instead of abandoning them.
"Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)
Kathryn, I understand your objection, probably my English is not so fluent but I think that my concept is similar to yours, even if I had express it in poor words.
As we know there are early and late transitioners. Everybody that starts transitioning over 30, in my opinion, has not recognized her cards before. I may excuse myself, saying that in the 80s, in Italy, there was no support for TS, so even if I KNEW that something was wrong with me, I did not have the option to transition, so I just tried to make the man (so funny!). But it is an excuse. Also in the 80s, here in Italy, there were TS who prescribed themselves hormones, went to Casablanca to be operated, etc... the possibilities existed, they were simply more difficult.
So, yes, I did recognize my cards, but at the time it was too much for me, I did not explore the possibilities or was not given in fact information. Now it is the same, maybe worse, the "transitioning" itself is simpler (it is covered by NHS, there is less stigma) but I will break a family, I have two children, etc... so in a certain sense I am transferring the cost of my defect to the people around me... so you are right, I do not owe from them anything. I may lose everything and I should be grateful from any act of respect or love, but I should not expect anything.
In keeping with the "cards" analogy, for some it might be about recognition of the cards they've been holding all along. For others, it might be finally crying uncle and playing the hand they were dealt because they have no choice, because there are no more attempts available to draw another lot. Those are entirely fair comparisons, especially for our generations (the lack-of-information age) Kathryn where many of us allowed feelings of solitude and perhaps shame to bring "him" to the forefront. Yes, strictly speaking we were defrauding everyone in our lives in that the facade they view every day being false. But fraud requires the element of intent and it would be so unfair to characterize any of us in such a light given that the root of our deception sometimes goes back deep into the innocence of childhood.
The decision to transition, or not to transition, must consider expectations when it comes to what disclosure does to friends and family. Yes, I know that's a newsflash but I bring up this simple given to make a point. Expecting the worst and hoping for the best might be the most realistic POV but where is the responsibility when it comes to the others in our lives? Why would we excuse discrimination for disclosure of a birth defect? Sorry, I'm not heaping a load of responsibility onto Anne in favor of giving a pass to said friend. I agree that it sucks what we do to others in these matters but that doesn't take anything away from the fact that friends stand by friends through thick and thin.
Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)
No way Kathryn I buy this statement..
"Guess what, what Anne did to her friend, her friend gave right back. But that of course is an inconvenient truth. If people would spend more time thinking about these things, and not wallow in guilt and victim-hood, maybe life would be better. And then maybe, we can start earning back the trust and the love of those that we love instead of abandoning them.
this statement cannot be defended.. especially in this OP... in no way did Anne reject her friend... she didn't give anything to her friend other than her own friendship and an attempt to garner support through a difficult situation...
I get its a really tough thing for others to understand...and I understand that we have no choice but to do our best to treat others well during a transition period...I get that we have got some serious explaining to do sometimes... but we are not "doing" anything to anybody anymore than if we treated our cancer...
how did Anne exactly abandon her friend?? and btw...her friend was mean spirited in her response...how can anne win back this womans trust and support if she won't engage at all and in fact attacks
if anybody is "Wallowing" its her friend.. and I say let her wallow....
its not so simple as we are good, and people that don't support us are bad...that's a silly idea and I admit I see that sometimes
I am not fan of wallowing in victim hood...but internet posts are not wallowing....sending back nasty messages is wallowing...and I say let her wallow and move on...
Kaitelyn the issue is not whether what Anne's friend did is defensible, because it was not. And walking away from those that once loved us instead of working to get their trust back is in my view not defensible either even if they retaliate with nastiness to our disclosure.
Just once, without shame or guilt put yourself in this friends shoes and ask yourself how you would feel.
"Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)
I get drama fatigue just reading the names of some of the people who post on this site. My emotions get hammered as flat as the head of a nail if I read their posts. It's unbearable to think what they might be like in real life. But that's just me, all me. Did I mention me? Me, me, me.
I have been told that imaginary friends make good substitutes for real ones. They are usually more right, just, and loving than their pathetic fleshy counterparts. Consider your options, is all I'm saying.
Last edited by Pink Person; 11-03-2013 at 09:05 AM.
Well I was way off base earlier. I had assumed that since Anne has been on HRT for awhile and has told some friends and family with success that this friend was among those who had been supportive for some time.
I see Kathryn's point about the friend feeling duped if she just found out about Anne, more than having any bias against the act of transition itself. And I also agree that the manner in which she responded to the situation was reprehensible. There is a middle road in all of this. And I certainly see why Anne is saddened by the loss of her friend.
I could say that the best outcome might have been for the friend to calmly tell Anne that she felt greatly deceived and she needed some time alone to come to terms with Anne's transition, even if the terms of the friendship would be altered in the future. But, we don't all act calmly and rationally when we're upset. Some people do have limits with what they can bear and both are true: Anne's friend could not bear having been deceived (assuming this is what it was), and Anne is distressed over having been treated so poorly by her friend.
Anne, hopefully you and your friend will be able to meet a few years from now when the waters are calmer, and either have proper closure or resume the friendship even if it is under different terms?
Reine
Yes, I second that wish. In my life and in the lives of those close to me, I see that friends & family are NOT always there for each other. That would be nice, but in the real world, sometimes Person A needs Friend B when B is too caught up with a new child or a new diagnosis or a collapsing marriage or an ailing parent to be a real friend to A. I've been A in that situation, and I've been B.
I've had a longtime friend say mean things to me under the guise of "honesty" and I've walked out and refused to return phone calls for six months. Some friendships have ended, and sometimes we crawl back to each other after a break and renew our friendship, perhaps with a greater tolerance for each others' failings.
I wish you well, Anne, and hope that your future has many warm friendships in it.
No, Reine, you were not off base. As I wrote earlier, she was among the first of those I told. Probably a little less than two years ago or so. So she has known for some time, and she has been supportive throughout that time. In fact, it was my belief that our relationship had strengthened further after I came out to her. Similar to other friends and family I have come out to, I was able to relax, be myself, be more genuine and authentic, honest, real, and not feel compelled to play some stupid, bogus role. And throughout that time, everything was great. Or so I thought.
But to Kathryn's point, as well as a legitimate point that was made to me by private message, although I have been on HRT now for close to a year, my physical appearance did not begin to change in earnest until the late Spring/early Summer. By then, my skin had softened significantly, breast growth had begun, my facial features have softened, I made the decision to move away from my male haircut and start growing my hair out, I had my ears pierced, etc.
So I suppose that it is possible that although I had come out to her previously and had her support early on, that the reality of it, that once actual, visible, quantifiable change began, that this changed the game for her. All of a sudden, I guess, it may have gone from some wild and crazy thoughts about something that may or may not happen way off in distant future if ever, to holy crap this is really happening, Anne really is serious about this, and it's happening right now before my very eyes!! Trying to place myself in her shoes, viewing it from her perspective, I can understand and see that this could be a really scary thing for her, too.
Change is, as they say, difficult. But I don't know.
Regardless, although I hate it that it has played out this way, I am not going to fall apart over this, or allow it to change my plans and actions. I'm just not. I am over it, it is done with, and it's behind me now.
Still, I am under no false illusions here. I have no doubt that as I continue forward, there will be additional casualties of war and collateral damage along the way. So the positive that I take away from this obviously very negative experience is that I have learned from it, and become stronger for it. I get that this is not a game. I understand that it requires strength, courage, resolve, and dedication. I also understand that I can dig deep and find these necessary attributes in the desperation and need that I have to do all of this. So it's all good. Or rather, stated another way, on the basis of experiences such as these, I believe that I am becoming the person I need to be to do these things that I must do to survive and come out on the other side. And there ain't no one that is going to take that away from me at this point. It's just not going to happen, and I would have it no other way.
If, however, at some point in the future, we find ourselves in a position to reignite our lost friendship and start over again, I will keep that door open. In fact, I will go even further than that - I truly hope that we can become friends again in the future at some point. Having said that, I will leave it at that, and move on.
@JessM - thank you for your kind words and well wishes, Jess. That means much to me. :-)
Sadly, my experience is that this kind of closure happens more in the movies than in real life. It can happen when both parties can briefly re-enter the relationship enough to deal with each other briefly as in the past. The problem is that one or both have cut that off. The result is a somewhat cold, unsatisfying experience.
You can't go home, as the saying goes.
Lea
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