Why it is hard for TS to date GG's.

[Nicole Erin]

First, no woman is going to want to date some TS. They tend to want masculine alpha-male types, and even lesbians want a "real" woman. Since we are in between, we stand little chance.
As we know, most of the world is programmed to binary gender standards and as we are outside the norm, people won;t accept us, and the only men who will date us want to do so in private. But I do not like men.
I don't understand it. I mean why women won't date us TS. Perhaps I should ask the lady I was out with this evening. Well I was going to but she locked her lips to mine and I wasn't able to really speak. I had a couple dead-end dates with women in the past few weeks. I am now glad it didn't go anywhere cause the lady I saw tonight, well she is close to my age, quite beautiful, intelligent, hilarious sense of humor and SO much prettier than her photo. Kind of has the "sexy school teacher" look.
I mean it was like one of those eharmony commercials. But no we did not meet through there, it was on OKCupid. No one ever gets dates thru a dating site. Especially a semi-passable TS who isn't rich.
I don't know where it will lead, hopefully many more dates. But in the meantime, I am going to sit here and wonder why it is so hard for us TS to date GG's.

[Violet-13]

um This isn't fully true, In high school I had a lesbian friend who liked the male mind and the female body so she dated female to male TS's, I'm just putting it out there , Theirs some one out there for you

[melissakozak]

There are some GGs out there who enjoy the company, companionship and sex with TS women, CDs, etc....I am not saying these women are common, but they are out there, trust me...

[Vickie_CDTV]

First, no woman is going to want to date some TS. They tend to want masculine alpha-male types, and even lesbians want a "real" woman. Since we are in between, we stand little chance.

It isn't easy for us TVs either, for the same reasons, especially those TVs like me who are "soft" men regardless of how we are dressed. Regardless of feminism, that desire for the alpha male has never seemed to have changed for most GGs. (...and I am too much of a man for a lesbian, sigh.)

[kimdl93]

It sounds like this night turned out. Yes, it's harder for a TS person, but not impossible. You stayed in the market and may have found a good match, so focus on the opportunity.

[Maija]

Good for you. I hope all goes well.

[Kimberly Kael]

Is it really that hard to guess? Let's see: until recently, every form of media pushes the same canonical view of the ideal match and we're nowhere in that picture. Everyone wants a mate they can proudly introduce to friends and family, and we're a huge gamble at best. Confidence is a huge asset when dating, and we've had ours undermined by a lifetime of negative portrayal and misinformation. Lesbians define themselves as not being interested in men, and like it or not we we're socialized male and have undeniably masculine characteristics. Straight women have never had to overcome the social stigma of dating a woman.

The simple fact is that we're not an easy choice. Your best bets are probably relationships that grow out of friendships, or reaching out to others who are similarly disadvantaged in the dating game. Trans/trans relationships are pretty common for this reason, but I could see a similar dynamic working for other social outcasts. The lesbian community is large enough and self-supportive enough that it doesn't meet these criteria. It takes either a very special individual or unique circumstances to break through the inherent barriers.

[Lorileah]

Hmmm..do I detect a little sarcasm?

[Kandy Barr]

Just find you a real man, that's what I had to do...........and now I can't decide which one to choose. Just like a girl?

[sandra-leigh]

I have recently met (in person) a couple of GG who have relationships with a variety of people including trans people. I have seen some others on-line. They exist -- but I wouldn't expect them to be common.

When it came time to make the Go / No-Go decision for HRT, I thought very hard about the probable impact on relationships. I decided that starting HRT and going forward from there was something concrete to help me in the there-and-then, and that I could not afford to live in suffering against the possibility that I might find someone interested in the non-HRT me, perhaps another decade or so off. I get more acceptance and understanding being myself than being that uptight and intense "guy", so on HRT and going onwards I probably have more future opportunities than I would have had muddling through without HRT.

[MatildaJ.]

Regardless of feminism, that desire for the alpha male has never seemed to have changed for most GGs.

Are you looking for alpha women? Women who want power-careers come in two kinds: one is only attracted to similarly alpha men. But there are also alpha women who want a softer man, someone who will follow them around wherever their career takes them, someone to do most of the childcare. My sister and a good friend both married guys like that.

Your best bets are probably relationships that grow out of friendships, or reaching out to others who are similarly disadvantaged in the dating game. Trans/trans relationships are pretty common for this reason, but I could see a similar dynamic working for other social outcasts.

Yes. This is called: date at your level. If you're an "8 out of 10", then you get to date other 8s (very desirable types). If you're a 4, for whatever reason (handicapped, mental disorders, trans, facial scars, obese, smoker, very kinky, whatever), then look for other 4s. That doesn't mean "settling" for someone you don't love. It means finding someone to love from among the other 4s out there, many of whom are wonderful people who have overcome particular challenges in their lives.

I get more acceptance and understanding being myself than being that uptight and intense "guy", so on HRT and going onwards I probably have more future opportunities than I would have had muddling through without HRT.

Yes, this too. If you need to transition, then that will make you the best possible "you" -- and you'll find a more authentic connection that way than by continuing to pretend to be someone you're not.

[Nicole Erin]

Hmmm..do I detect a little sarcasm?

Just a bit. I find being TS is lately but a minimal obstacle. What caused me to get off my butt was that in the past I may have had some opportunities that I threw away. Like say a lady would compliment something like my legs. Yet I would act uptight. Had I went with the flow, poured on the charm, and maybe a bit of seduction, who knows?
Like one time I was in the store and some woman said, "I want those legs!" Well obviously I could not give them to her but maybe let her borrow them. But she would have to take the rest of me with it.

Kandy, with real men, that just isn't my thing. I wish it were. Would be even easier.

I finally decided, after years of feeling sorry for myself, that I need to LEARN where my mistakes are and fix them. Though in a perfect world, I would need look no further than the lady I went out with last night.

Beth Lock - The trick is to keep trying, renew your strategy, find new faces. It is a numbers game.
Or maybe give OKcupid a try, decide what YOU want, and seek bisexual women. Then show them the best of both worlds

[Kathryn Martin]

Or maybe give OKcupid a try, decide what YOU want, and seek bisexual women. Then show them the best of both worlds

NIce, male privilege working like a charm, show the little woman what's best for her......

[mary something]

There are plenty of women out there who are potential dates even if your trans or a crossdresser. Sure it makes you different but it also makes you exotic and special. Like Erin said, take inventory of yourself and make sure you're always putting your best foot forward.

NEVER act sorry or down about being trans or cd, it can be an advantage too if you let it.

[DeeDee1974]

When it comes to dating I think it's hard no matter who you are. Don't get discouraged. Just live your life and put yourself in the position to meet people. Somewhere along the way you'll meet somebody. Based on a few very attractive friends I have (both male and female) it's hard to meet the someone special, but eventually it happens.

[whowhatwhen]

"I'll take whatever I can get, Alex"

[Deborah]

^^ I'll take what I can get too. In my lifetime I've only been with 3 women. Two of them were one night stands who pursued me and the other I was married to for 9 years. Divorced 6 years ago and haven't been with anyone since....I'm 43 btw so you can see I've had some long stretches

[FurPus63]

I think you answered your own question in your first sentence. Most women want to date "real" men. They don't want a "chic with a di**." Have you started HRT? If so, how well does your penis work? I know mine's not worth much at this point! It doesn't make sense to take t-blockers just so we can take viagra too!!! LOL! Not to mention the rest of us (if we're truly TS and especially if in transition) is female; so why would a heterosexual woman want us??? Doesn't seem to make much sense.
Dating is hard for us TS girls. Once seperated from my wife, and especially after starting HRT, I started dating men. I attempted to date men, and had an account on OK cupid myself (along with a few other websites) but didn't find anyone who wanted anything to do with me beyond a one night stand for experimental purposes. I eventually joined a TS dating site, and did find a man who dated me for a couple of months. We went on an amazing first date, started seeing each other regularly every weekend, but it soon became apparent that he was keeping our relationship a secret/private; and after several weekend sleepovers, refused to take me out on a date again! Once I started to pressure him to take me out in public (which he had no problem with the first date) the phone calls, text messages, and contact stopped causing our eventual break-up; which really was more of a relief to me as what was going on between us had become routine and boring.

Now I'm living with my boyfriend who incidentally is CD himself; which seems to be working pretty well so far. Where'd I meet him? In a gay bar on T-girl night! This happens to a lot of us and from what I understand is quite common. Those who seek dating/partners, etc.... (cause I understand some TS girls just aren't interested) usually end up with a TG or TS partner.

You want to have a long-term romantic relationship with a GG? Good luck. I wish you all the best. Personally I don't understand the dynamics of that unless you consider yourself to be a lesbian?? Afterall; we are women. Aren't we? However; if that is what you desire, and you have the right to go for whatever it is you desire when it comes to love, then again I say, "good luck." Seems to me it's nearly impossible.

Paulette

[Vickie_CDTV]

Are you looking for alpha women? Women who want power-careers come in two kinds: one is only attracted to similarly alpha men. But there are also alpha women who want a softer man, someone who will follow them around wherever their career takes them, someone to do most of the childcare. My sister and a good friend both married guys like that.

I wasn't thinking in terms of career or money, but yes I am looking for an alpha woman so to speak. My former girlfriend (the one I talk about all the time here) was definitely an alpha female, she wore the pants in the relationship and everyone could tell just my meeting us.

[Allison Chaynes]

I have a female relative who ID's as lesbian, yet has been in a two year relationship with a MTF transwomen. They're in their early 20s, and the youth may be why she is more accepting, but there are a few women out there who do like transwomen.

[whowhatwhen]

Methinks the world is quite a bit more queer than it'd like to admit.

[Debglam]

Nicole,

For what my two cents are worth, you put yourself out there in the right places, you meet people, you make connections and you ultimately find what you are looking for. Or they find you, or fate brings you together. These things happen but if you don't put yourself out you never know who you will meet. There is a lot of love in this world!

Deb

[Leah Lynn]

I'm another that's pretty much given up on finding someone. I am on hrt, and I prefer women. Having been around here a while, I've read many of the posts about dating men, and I've given it much thought. I've seriously decided that I don't want a masculine man, or any other, really. Perhaps another TS, but not just any one. That person would have to be THE one that could sway me to swing from the other side of the plate. Someone really special. Someone who will work to gain my trust and friendship first. Someone I would be comfortable with, could easily spend time in public enfemme with (both of us!) shop, dine, party. That said, I'm not an easy person to get to know and like. We all have some character flaws.

Leah

[Kittie]

Date men - problem solved. Speaking from experience - there are literally thousands of men scattered across the various "TG" dating sites slavering over themselves like rabid dogs to get a taste; quantity over quality, mind. Not bad if you're 100% down with being the fetish driven sex object they "always dreamed of".

On a serious note though, it's statistically impossible for it to be impossible for a trans-woman not to be able to find a compatible lesbian partner. You just have to be pro-active and and seek what you seek. Much like the goals of transition - they won't come to you, you have to get there yourself.

[Katelyn B]

I have a female relative who ID's as lesbian, yet has been in a two year relationship with a MTF transwomen. They're in their early 20s, and the youth may be why she is more accepting, but there are a few women out there who do like transwomen.

She's a lesbian, she's attracted to women, trans women are women, this isn't really that hard to understand. That yet is just a nasty little furthering of the whole trans women aren't really women rubbish TERF's keep regurgitating. This is *really* quite offensive, the othering implicit in this statement. What exactly is there to be understanding about? Yes, being trans tends to bring with it a bunch of emotional baggage and physical hangups that require a patient, loving, and understanding partner... but so do lots of relationships, so what specifically about dating a trans women is there to be understanding off.

More generally...

There are *lots* of women out there who will date trans women, because they are gay women and fancy women. Some of them will be trans, some won't, some will be butch as anything, some femme. Every time a post comes up about people being unable to date / have a love life / have sex on here because they're trans I wonder where on earth they're looking, because it's just really not that hard. If you fancy women, well, you're no longer cis, and straight girls aren't going to want you. However, this is great news as it means you can go and get out and about in the queer community and discover just how much more fun it is then the straight one. It's as if some people post transition want to cling onto some cis het privileged role in society despite the act of transition (M to F) and dating women will inevitably "queer" you in the eyes of society and take away sooo many of those little privileges you got used to. Being trans is not an excuse to engage in a pityfest about sexless relationships and the impossibility of finding a partner if single, get out there and have some fun. Transitioning is hard enough without all the self inflicted misery that gets written about on this site.