Who do you see?

[Marcelle]

DISCLAIMER: I want all who read this post to understand this is a personal account related to my particular situation and where I fit along the TG spectrum. We are all different in that regard so I am not out offend anyone. I merely wish to encourage discussion on an issue I have and to some degree still struggle with. If I have offended you, please PM me as I don't want this thread to evolve into an argument as they are want to do sometimes. Honest debate/discourse is welcome from everyone including GGs. Thanks . . . Isha

When I first started therapy my therapist asked me one simple question . . . When you look in the mirror who do you see? I have to admit I was a bit confused at the question as my knee jerk reaction was to say "me". I assumed this was related to gender identity and she was looking for a response akin to "I see a man" or "I see a woman trapped in a man's body". I took some time to mull this over. When she asked me why I was taking so long to respond, I told her that I needed time to think about it because I did not think my initial answer of "me" was correct. She then asked why I thought it wasn't correct as it was the first thing that came to mind. Without skipping a beat (as therapists are want to do) she then asked . . . "How do you define yourself, your concept of "me"? I had this one covered easily, I am a heterosexual male who happens to want to dress as a woman (score one point for me). She smiled the way a chess master might smile when you slam down your chess piece and scream "check " (I got nervous). She then said, "those are societal descriptions which provide a neat definition for you to describe yourself, but it does not answer the question . . . who are you? When you are able to answer that, then you will be a step closer to figuring things out." Check and mate.

Now at this point, you are probably saying . . . What the heck is this all about. However, those simple questions have been the focus of my journey to date and to some degree I have been able to provide my therapist with some insight. I initially felt as though two personalities were battling for possession of my very soul "girl me" and "boy me". I thought if I looked in the mirror "en femme" I would see Isha and vice versa in boy mode. Was it the clothes, the make-up? Did presentation in public mean I was trying to be a woman? After a bit of soul searching I realized the answer is there is no duality of person. When I look in the mirror dressed "en femme" or "en boy", I come up with the same answer "I see me".

I am a person with hopes, dreams, desires, feelings, fantasies and a cogent sense of the world around me. If I am wearing a dress, heels and lingerie it does not magically transform me into woman anymore than jeans, sports jersey , ball cap and runners magically make me a man. Those are clothes and society has determined that boys wear boxers and girls wear panties. If I have make-up on, my concept of the world around me has not changed, my feeling and desires are the same, I still love my wife and love my family the same way.

So why dress and present as a woman you might ask? Why not just stay as a man and live life to the fullest? Very good question and the same question my therapist asked me when showed up all smug for a session having figured this riddle out. "Ahhh . . . back to the drawing board". This is what I have been thinking about the past few days. What is the answer to this riddle? Today, as I was out shovelling snow and had just finished clearing the driveway a snow plow came along and plowed in the end of my drive (for the second time). I threw the shovel to the ground and screamed to heavens (okay not that dramatic but it does sound quite cool ) "Why even bother trying". It was then I had an epiphany . . . why bother trying to figure the answer out. If I clear away the snow I see the driveway, if the plow comes and plows it the end, the driveway doesn't cease to exist it is just covered in snow.

Now don't get me wrong, I do not think for one minute CDing can be summed up in a snow/driveway analogy, I am just saying this provided me with clarity on my own situation. I dress and present as Isha because she is part of me and it feels right. The same way it feels right when I put on my uniform and go to work (military me) or go to the gym (sporty me). These are all parts of my identity and our identities are complex and some we can subdue and others we can't. However when we strip away the identities we take on from day to day, the " core me" still exists. When I take off the clothes (male or female) or the make-up, I am still me. When I put this stuff on "the me" is still there, just covered. For me this is not about being a woman it is about being "me" and this part of me likes to wear and present sometimes as Isha and other times as "male me". But in the end, I am still me much the same way they are still me (okay, that sounds corny but I wanted to sound profound and mysterious in this thread )

Now don't get me wrong, I am sure next session when I walk in and yell "CHECK" my therapist will pause, look up from her notes and say "CHECK MATE" but at least I think I am making headway at understanding that "me" is who I am and so far I like "me".

So my question to you is "When you look in the mirror who do you see?"

Hugs

Isha

[Kelly DeWinter]

A simple response "I see me "

Years ago when I was seen by a therapist , after two years of trying to find ways to stop, change habits, deal with guilt,shame and all the baggage that comes with gender identity, He asked me, "What would make you happy ?" and I replied "To be who i feel I am" and he said "Then you should." From that point on , I started seem myself as me. Not as a different person or as a label, but just as me.

[Nadine Spirit]

What a wonderfully written post. Thank you for such a great read and thought provoking ideas.

Over time, I have come to see me. It has taken lots of time, thought, effort, and energy, but I do see me, and the me I see is a multifaceted individual, full of life, beauty, and diversity.

Thanks Isha!

[ReineD]

Thanks for inviting GG thoughts.

Have you ever learned a new language? At first there's a lot of effort .. trying to figure out the grammar rules and memorizing new vocabulary .. thinking about it a lot and translating from English to the target language in our heads, before speaking. It takes a lot of effort. But then slowly, the internal translation ends and you find yourself able to think in the target language. And then one day you realize that you can carry on a conversation, it takes no effort at all, not like it was at the beginning.

My SO is a trained researcher so she has lots of practice not knowing the answers. S/he just methodically takes the next step in her research, with confidence that at the end of it the conjecture will be proved either right or wrong, both of which are valuable conclusions. In the beginning of our relationship I was asking her just as many answers as I'm sure CDers ask themselves. Trouble was, my SO didn't have all the answers and what was remarkable was that s/he was quite happy having inchoate thoughts about herself. This was hard for me but in time I stopped asking the questions as well. My SO did as you did, s/he went with the flow and honored both her female and male selves depending on her moods, without trying to figure it all out. Eventually, that deep, almost intuitive knowledge of who s/he is took hold, just like a language once it is learned, and there were no more questions.

So now we are both happy with this and satisfied that my SO's gender is undefinable if you base the definition on a gender binary, either male or female. S/he knows that s/he falls outside the gender binary and s/he has come to peace with it all. S/he still goes with the flow, never knowing how s/he will feel tomorrow and this is perfectly OK. Trouble is, this is difficult to explain to people who expect black or white answers.

Realistically, my SO would not be happy living her life fully as a woman, just as s/he would not be happy living strictly as a man without ever engaging in cross-gender expression.

[Rachelakld]

every time I go to the barbers, and have a number 2 or 4 cut, I see the "me" when I was military, I remember the good times.
When I put on my swimmers, I see "me" the fitness freak.
during training I see the Bruce Lee "me"
When I put my hat on, I see "me" the cowboy and remember the horses I've ridden
When I heard 80's music, I remember the "me" night clubber and the girls I've danced with
When I put a dress on, I see the fem "me"

Now if there was just one of me, I'ld be vanilla

[julia marie]

Great post, Isha. You'll get everyone thinking. It sounds like Reine and her SO have gone through this exercise. I'm not sure who the "me" in the mirror is, whether in boy or girl mode. However, I will note that the "boy" me that I see was a bit of a mystery as I matured, even before I got into CD on a regular basis. The me in the mirror wasn't who I felt that I was (of course, I was younger when I wasn't in the mirror). Now, you've given my mind more to chew on but it's an interesting challenge, from the two different genders I present in the mirror to why there's a femme one there at all (I'm still at the "why not?" stage).
On a less serious note, two points:
The rule about boys wearing boxers and girls wearing panties. I'm fine with the panties part but I hate boxers.
People in the southern states and climes won't understand the part about the end of the driveway. But you did get me thinking. I remember one of the few times my daughter helped with shoveling, and the plow driver saw her, backed up and cleared out what the plow had left so she didn't have to shovel it. Maybe the way I come out to the neighbors will be to go out shoveling en femme. With luck the plow guy will fall in love and make sure that this girl doesn't have to work through all that heavy stuff.

[Gillian Gigs]

When I look in the mirror, I see me also. How else could it be put. I have a goal in life that sort of gets summed up like this, I want to be the same person no matter what the situation I am in. What I mean by the " same person" is to be of the same character within any circumstance that would come my way. For the most part these character traits are not really gender related to my way of thinking. If to be loving and caring is feminine, then so be it. If to laugh with those who are laughing, and to cry with those who are crying, is being feminine, then so be it. Why not cry if that is the emotion called for within a given situation.

One of the things that this site has taught me is to accept myself regardless of how my life has unfolded. Looking in the mirror, it doesn't really matter what I am wearing, I am still the same person. I am really no different from anyone else, I just want to be loved, accepted and respected for who I am. Clothes are nothing more than the wrapping on the outside of the box, it's what's on the inside that counts.

[sometimes_miss]

Well, you did ask. Here we go.

So, do you want the answer to the original question:

When you look in the mirror who do you see?

Or do you want the answer to this one, which you chose to give:

How do you define yourself, your concept of "me"?

There is a world of difference. What I will try to do, is define from a third person's point of view.

So, the answer to the first is simply visual: I see a big, middle aged, barrel chested guy with a bit of a beer gut.

The second is:
A heterosexual male, who was conditioned throughout childhood to believe he was supposed to be a girl. With that belief system firmly in place, he then proceeded to seek out all information in his life to discover which might support that belief, and which might not. The resulting adult male is left with a lingering, ever present feeling that he is supposed to behave as, dress, and feel as a woman does, despite having developed what are considered stereotypical normal male views of the world, communication and speech patterns, problem solving techniques, and innate skill sets. His sexual desires are initially male impulse, followed by a distorted response system in which he feels he is supposed to follow a traditional feminine role in intimate settings. This results in internal conflicts, and frequent interruptions in the familiar romantic and sexual feelings during intimate relationships. His coping mechanisms are so far incompletely compensating, and he is often unable to complete the sexual act with women he feels he is in love with. The additional resulting insecurity developed from his feelings of inadequacy from this has stagnated any developments of relationships with women since the failure of his marriage. His current belief is that he will never meet a woman who will accept him because of these feminine feelings that he has, so at this time he is attempting to cease any activity that might support his desires to behave as a female. However, his research has not shown any individuals that have successfully done this permanently, and while he has been able to do this for short periods in the past, he is not confident in his ability to continue refraining from his desires indefinitely. In addition, he sees this as a tremendous personal failure, resulting in his self esteem being severely compromised. He refuses any contact with support groups as he feels a great deal of anxiety and fear of other men, most likely resulting from his being sexually abused, as well as beaten by other boys throughout his childhood. He has few same sex friends, and those relationships appear to be very superficial, as he does not feel comfortable revealing his true feelings and beliefs, fearing that others will take advantage of him. Currently, he is pursuing relationships with two different women, but hasn't the confidence either will succeed. He also has very few female contacts outside of work, and spends nearly all of his time alone. He has no outside support system in place; he is estranged from family as well as friends he had earlier in life. He feels cheated out of life, believing that he always did what he was told to, worked very hard, yet feels that because of his GID no matter what he does, it will never be good enough. This resulting resentment is apparent in his social interactions, which further stagnates any progress with the few women he socializes with.

The above is incomplete; I had to stop here, because trying to observe myself from a third person perspective was becoming more and more difficult, and it was becoming increasingly upsetting. But there I am.

I hope that answers what you want to know.

[samanthasolo]

Oh what a world of wonder! I wish I had the time to chime in and articulate, but as I know myself, there is no short answer to this question, nor should there be a very long answer because we all don't have forever! So somewhere between my own acceptance and lack of understanding, and the knowledge that the mirror is in fact a reciprocal reflection of ourself, when time permits I will add my 2 cents to this intriguing topic. Well, it might be 3 or 4 cents by then. Hats of to you Isha, I know this could and will get very interesting!!!!!

[Rachael Leigh]

Isha you do have a way to start up a conversation. I have thought of this question in the past myself, of course when you are a CD you are constantly looking in the mirror to see how you measure up and wonder will I pass. For me I do see someone who is me but one that has a very different side but maybe not that much different than my male self. It seems I see someone who can express themselves better be more confidant in myself when I look like a women. Ok so here's the strange part with that, I can't show this to the world in full fem mode. I feel as if the real me showed up I would disappoint so many people. I know the me that's in that male mirror but the girl me just seems more at ease with that picture. I guess I'm complicated but aren't we all

[Barbara Ella]

Quite thought provoking. Who do I see? If I react negatively to the male I see, it would explain why so much time is spent with clothes and makeup at times. Yet, if i strive to see the non physical me, I know it matters not one bit what i am wearing. At different times i will see/sense differently. Yes, i am inconsistent, but isn't that part of working through all of this and searching for the elixer that will bring these two disparate entities into one.

I see what I have been, I see what I am, but I must close my eyes and not look,to be able to see what i am to be.

Barbara

[Bria]

I just wrote saveral paragraphs that my computer lost for me so I'll start over.

Isha, you always pose the hard questions! Who do I see when I look in the mirror? I see a stranger looking back, Let me try to explain.

When I'm not looking in the mirror I feel that I'm a 30s to 40 year old guy with redish hair and beard, so when I look in the mirror and see a 70s guy I think that this is some stranger. Maybe its a little like looking at your self with mask on.

I am much more comfortable with people the age of my kids (40s) than with my own age group who want to talk about their medical problems, retirement, etc. What I am on the outside doesn't change what I am on the inside. If I wear boy clothes or girl clothes, have redish hair or white hair, I'm still the same me. I don't want me to be any different. As the years go by others age, but I still feel the same (maybe this is convienient self delusion).

Maybe I'm like Isha"s driveway, I'm the same regardless of how I covered, clothed, hair color, or lack thereof.

Does any of this make sense? Jump on me if you like, Hugs, Bria

[KayleeTaylor]

Oh, I wish I had an answer to this. It gives me something to think about. It always seems like I am looking through a window at a world I have not yet experienced. For that reason, I have had no real feelings about anything. It just seems like I am going through the motions now. When I look in the mirror, I see a very lost and confused person looking back at me in tears.

[Tiffanyselkoe]

Well said Isha! Bravo!

[thechic]

nice post ,thought provoking.....

[GretchenJ]

Thanks Isha once again for another well thought out post.

This question would have a different answer as early as two months ago, as up until then the answer was a guy, who has battles with depression and anxiety, and would like to wear women's clothes, primarily as a means to some sexual gratification.

Now it has a totally new answer. I still see me, but it is a duality- there is a male side of me and a female side of me. Wearing female clothes helps bring out that side of me, but it not an on/off switch, I still feel part male when wearing a skirt, just as much as I feel part female while wearing my work clothes. It's never 100%, it's always 80/20 or 20/80.

This is all new for me, and for the most part I am enjoying the journey. I am not sure that this is mumbo jumbo that I am making up to rationalize to myself what is considered outside the norm, but for maybe the first time in my life I feel totally fulfilled, that I can one person, not with two personalities, rather than a blended one, that morphs depending on the day, and my ability to find enough alone time for Gretchen to come for a visit.

Hope this makes sense to anyone, if it does, I would like someone to explain it to me lol

[Stephanie Morgan]

Isha, you really have a way of making a seemingly simple question become very thought provoking. Love your posts!!! Let me think hmmm who do I see in the mirror? At this moment in time I'm honestly not sure. I am still becoming comfortable with this feminine facet of my personality. I don't see myself as two different people,one when en femme and one when in guy mode, but one person with lots of facets to my being. Like you Isha, no matter how I am dressed, uniform at work, shirt jeans and my hat for training horses, old clothes for working on the truck or wife's Jeep, or in my skirts and tops and heels, my views of the world don't change. My preferences, likes, dislikes, needs, etc. are still the same. I would like to say I see me, but I don't think I've made it there yet as I'm not really sure who I am.

[samanthasolo]

Isha, when I look in the mirror I see a reflection of ME! Now 95% of the time I see the guy I am, the guy I accept, and the guy I have no problem with being. The other 5% of the time I see a beautiful reflection of the duality that exists in me. That is because I have come to a point in life that I am accepting of ME, those who need to know are ok w/ Me. As far as anyone else, Does not matter! There are a 1000 different combinations why we dress each unique to ourselves. So let's remove what is considered NORMAL in society, remove religion and politics and the PROGRAMING that is prevalent with such I don't know if there would be an issue with what anyone chose to wear. I do happen to know that the largest lajorty of CD/TG people I know or have spoken to are in the military or are VETS! Another thing I do know is that what is considered NORMAL in society is based on religious and political beliefs!

Point in fact is this, reality is no more than what we percieve it to be! If we are inclined to go along with what the so called powers that be dictate what is normal and acceptable, then we in fact allow that premise to shape and mold what reality is! Hmmmmm, food for thought aye!

I am the same person, the same human being, and the same individual regardless of what I am wearing or how I choose to express ME!!!!

[suchacutie]

My wife and I were discussing this general theme last night. When I look into the mirror I either see the side of me that identifies as male (and actually is better defined now that Tina is around) or I see my feminine self and that self is better defined every day. I really feel that I am two apps running on the same database (I've said that in other posts). Tina works hard to understand what she wants her life to be, but never worries about why she exists.

Before we identified Tina, most of the traits of my two selves were mixed in what appeared to be a guy. He passed as a guy pretty well most of the time. Now that I understand that I'm transgendered and really bigendered, it's so easy to see how the mixture was confusing. I still like both parts. When I transition from one gender to the other it is mental as well as physical. What Tina does fits her personality. Seeing her in the mirror always solicits a smile from her.

[Rachael Leigh]

Samantha your always so insightful, you have a great perspective. I've never heard that about those in the military but and interesting observation. I must really be messed up then since I've never been in the service yet here I am.

[Lisa Gerrie]

When you look in the mirror who do you see?

That's what I call a "Rorschach question". It could just as easily be answered "I see a very sad person", "a frightened person", "an ugly person", etc. etc. Therapists often ask generic questions to get the ball rolling.

I assumed (...) she was looking for a response akin to "I see a man" or "I see a woman trapped in a man's body".

That is the information she was looking for: how you interpreted the question.. It is an indication of what you perceive as your core issue(s).

(BTW, if you want to benefit from the process you should do your best to give up on trying to give her the answers she is looking for.)

She then asked why I thought it wasn't correct as it was the first thing that came to mind.

Also very generic. Drawing you out.

who are you? When you are able to answer that, then you will be a step closer to figuring things out.

And that is an answer to just about anything one might visit a therapist about.

I'm not being cynical or negative, this can be a very useful and therapeutic process! The goal is always self-knowledge. My dad was a psychiatrist (MD), his 3rd and 4th wives were therapists (MS and PhD), my younger brother is a PhD therapist who married a PhD therapist, I have personally paid for the vacation homes of at least two therapists...

[PaulaQ]

So my question to you is "When you look in the mirror who do you see?"

Oh, I know very well why she asked you that question. Almost anyone who's trans would understand this implicitly. However, let me answer your question.

When presenting as a male:
I see a person I hate. A hideous body, an awful face. Lately, I've come to realize that when I gaze into the mirror presenting as a male, I see death looking back at me.

When presenting as a female:
I see my true face. It is ironic that in a wig, makeup, various things to enhance my figure, I feel like myself. Naked - I see a mask, a costume, someone who I am not.

When I get up in the morning, without my wig, with no makeup - I hate the ****ing mirror so much. Because it shows me everything I hate in this world - him.

[Tracii G]

Wow Isha thats a tough set of questions.
What do I see? IDK a walking contradiction at best.
I do see both entities male and female.So my answer is me.
The guy side is a nasty beast with a bad attitude and the girl side is warm and friendly.
I hate looking into my eyes because when I do I see the hurt, pain,guilt from a time I would rather forget.
No amount of eye make up can cover that up.

[Beverley Sims]

Isha,
I wonder if self analysis is destructive.
It leads to all sorts of conclusions, and none of them correct.
I would abide by my therapist but stop thinking deep thoughts.
It is a bit of just "get on with it."

[PaulaQ]

Isha,
I wonder if self analysis is destructive.
It leads to all sorts of conclusions, and none of them correct.

I'm sorry Beverly, but I can't agree with you. Nearly every trans person I know has the same nightmare relationship with their mirror. It is a very common symptom.