Childhood Self-Image

[Brooklyn]

Many of us started dressing at an early age. For those of you who started dressing before adolescence, how did you see yourself as a child: male, female, mixed, or neither? And how do you see yourself now?

I began cross-dressing when I was five, and recall my self-image being mixed. For example, my mom helped me make a Wonder Woman costume that I wore often, and I had several dolls (ultrasound was not used widely back then). My name even seemed female. I did not believe I was a girl, however.

Today, I feel more female, but still mixed. Examining my body and hearing my voice reminds me that I am not a woman. Working in a virtually all-female setting, I often feel masculine - even when wearing mascara and a ladies’ crew-neck. So, my mind remains somewhere in-between genders, which can be fun and also maddening. I cherish the time I spend fully dressed; it is my craft and I enjoy it. Living in this mixed, gender-fluid state is certainly much better than repressing myself. It often leaves me and my friends a bit confused, however.

[edith]

I started getting into my mom's makeup and fantasizing about wearing girl clothes at around six. I knew I was a boy and didn't question my gender until much later when I became aware of the existence of transgender people.

[Diana1469]

I have a strong memory of when I was 4 or 5, trying on a 'cowgirl' outfit that had been my sister's. I remember that my parents had to force me to stop wearing it. My first "crush" in the early stages of puberty, which I had no idea what was going on, was a boy. The next year I discovered girls. Because I was painfully shy, I never had any affection/intimacy with girls during my teens and experimented with stockings, then shoes, then boots(late 60s when 'go-go' boots were all the rage) to get the feel of something feminine. When I did have girlfriends and had affection from them, I had no desire to 'dress'. During lonely periods, I tried to become the woman that I desired. Now it just seems natural to dress in female attire and the male clothes seems 'odd'. I love everything feminine and like myself when fully made up and dressed as a woman.

Regarding the original question, I knew I was a boy although my first name was one that was being applied to girls more and more in the 60s. I had many instances when teachers would call on me by name then make some comment that I had a 'girl's name'. I guess my very young years caused a lot of gender identity confusion before I understood the differences between girls and boys. I played the typical boy games but when alone, often envied girl's dolls and soft things.

[Beverley Sims]

Ashley,I don't think my feminine side has increased much, probably from 40, to 60, percent over the years.
That is more female appreciation than anything.
I did dress constantly in my 20s then necessity made me cut back a little.
I dress a lot more now as circumstances permit.

Diana,
The same as you, when a new girlfriend came along all the clothes went back in the wardrobe until she became boring.

[shayleetv]

My crossdressing was stated by my mother before memories were etched into my brain. Then my sister took over and feminine apparel were just clothes that covered my body. I was comfortable wearing either boy or girl clothes without making much distinction. It wasn't until I became the designated girl for our skits in cub scouting that I came to the realization about the difference in the gender of clothes. Again it was mom who dressed me, actually she made most of the clothes I wore. I guess I was 9 when I really felt girly. Until then it was neutral. I didn't play girl game except with my sister who 3 years my senior didn't have girls to play with where we lived. When she stopped because she had some girls her age move in I was still playing with the boys in the neighborhood. Even though my fellow cubs saw me completely dressed all the way from head to toe(wig to girl shoes) I was never teased or made fun of for fear that the Den Mom would put them in a dress, they were just glad they didn't have to wear a dress.

I was always involved with sports and so was looked upon as a jock. So I was masculine to the world around me but behind closed doors I could be a girl. In my late teens I really got depressed over the idea that something was wrong with me. I remember going to a basketball game at the University and looking at all the male spectators and saying "Why can't I be like them?" Then the thought came to me that maybe some of them are just like me, hiding from the world in the closet.

[Angela Campbell]

From as early as I can remember I knew I was "supposed" to be a girl. At first when I was 4 or 5 there was little difference in appearance between me and my friends that were female, other than the length of hair. I felt unsafe around the boys in the neighborhood though. They played too rough, to competitively and they were always bigger and stronger than I was. I sometimes tried to act as they did but failed every time so I preferred playing with the girls as what they did was a lot more fun.

When I had the chance I would hide and try on my mothers clothes but I knew I wasn't supposed to, and would be in big trouble if caught. I wanted to be a girl very intensely but I understood I couldn't ever let anyone know, so I hid it very well. So I guess when very young I knew I was a girl and that never went away, not even for a day.

[Jackie F]

I started wearing my mom and sister's clothes preteen. (I'm guessing 10 or younger). I always liked how it felt! I am not sure what happened but I stopped until I was in my 30's and as a bedroom joke I put on my wife's thong and all the memories and feeling came back in a vengeance. I feel complete and happy when I am Fem! Bought my first dress this week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[JaytoJillian]

Ashley, thanks for the neat topic. I do recall starting out around the age of five as well. I also recall identifying with female characters when playing make-believe with friends. I would most always lay "dibs" on a female character when playing. At that age no one seemed to mind.

Cheers,


Jill

[Vickie_CDTV]

I never thought I was anything but a boy, but I wanted to be like my mom, and do the things she did (including wearing her makeup.)

[Jenniferpl]

There are memories of being at school in first grade and looking around at the girls in the room and wishing I was one of them.

[stephNE]

When I was very young, like 4 or 5, I remember there was a family of three girls across the street from us along with a boy next door and another boy a few door down. I didn't think much about who I was, but I remember the boys always wanted to do things like play out side, get dirty, and use ink pens to write on their arms. I found that all disgusting. I loved going across the street, and playing with the girls: we played house and had tea parties.

[kimdl93]

I started dressing at such an early age as we'll...long before I had a grasp of gender as a concept. As I've said before, my siblings and parents let me know that some things if did or was interested in were too feminine.mmi learned to hide it, of course.

It's taken a long time to reach the point where I have been able to express myself completely. And I too am sure that my presentation is a source of som confusion for others. So be it.

[Marcelle]

Hi Ashley,

I don't recall ever wanting to be a girl when I was young. I did grow up in all female home (mother and sisters). I guess my earliest recall would be feeling that I liked my sister's pretty dresses more than my clothes. My older sister and cousins (all girls) would often chase me down and dress me up as a girl (I would fight them but not really try to stop them). However, this was not a common occurrence and I spent a lot of time with my uncles doing guy things. It wasn't until I was 17 (my first year in the military) that I realized I was very different. My girlfriend at the time (German girl - I was posted to Germany for 5 years) introduced me to CDing as a way of sexual role play and while I fought her on it . . . never really tried that hard to stop it.

Now I believe I have reached a gender-fluid state in which I enjoy dressing en femme as it just feels right as much as dressing en boy feels right.

Hugs

Isha

[Joanne f]

I cannot actually remember thinking in terms of male or female I just liked wearing female clothes and never really thought about questioning why , I do not think that I ever did question it until I read an article in a magazine about a soldier who was now living as a woman and then a program on the television about Transvestites so I then started to think " Am I a transvestite " but the one I was really interested in was the TS soldier and I can remember thinking that I was very envious of that person .
Where am i now , well I do not really know as there are times when I know what I am but other times when I do not think about it as other things have come into my life that I have to put priority to but I will just say that I still get that envious feeling when reading about some .

[KayleeTaylor]

For as long as I can remember, I always felt like I should be a girl. When I was about 5, I started wearing girl's clothes. I would take them from the piles of clothes that my mom sorted from donations (she worked at a non-profit). Before shcool, I used to watch cartoons, specifically GI Joe and Barbie, they would come on back to back and I would sit through GI Joe just so I could watch Barbie. When I was maybe 7, I started telling my friends that I wish I was a girl. These feelings and how I expressed myself continued up until my late teens, my mom tried to suppress my feelings so I ran away. Then I joined the Army and for the next 10 years, my feelings remained fairly suppressed. I went through the motions of marriage, trying to be a man, etc. Now, i am coming out of the closet and staying out for good! I am just confused about how far I want to go.

[CarlaWestin]

Mostly male and due to curiosity leaning towards mixed.

[Barbara Dugan]

I really didn't dress a child, however I was extremely girly looking. I recall being told by the girls on the school playground that I looked like a girl

[Robinkay]

From as early the first think I can remember was putting on my mom red lip stick
i was 5 at the time,not much was said I did like the smell of the Noxema as she took my lipstick off !
Soon after that I had neighbor boy over to play and I went into my mom bedroom
and picked up a bra and ask him to hook it as I held it up to myself......
he said I will but I wont unhook it if I do...
I think from about age 5-21 I often wished I was a girl.....but I am only a cross dresser

[Tallulah Rose]

Very interesting that a lot of us started around the age of 5, myself included.

Most of me felt like a boy, but part of me has always been girl, even at that age. Sometimes I just wanted to be like the pretty dancers I knew at school - I guess nothing's really changed. I just like to look and feel pretty sometimes.

[Lorileah]

I didn't have the opportunity to dress at a young age as teh only female in our house was my mother. But that didn't stop me from feeling I should be a girl. In my mind I was a girl and wanted to do girl things.

[dana digs sweaters]

Started at 5 also for me in wearing female clothes on purpose. I was a boy but never had "girlish" feelings. Felt so very nice to be dressed in female clothes as they differed so much from my boy clothes. Continued on with my sister's help with some of the games we played. Continued on without them when I could. As an adult I am a man who still likes to wear female clothes. Just that now, they are mine.

[MssHyde]

Ashley you sure pull off the look. as for me, I felt like a guy pulled towards things a guy shouldn't have. (as long as I can remember)

I like it and didn't know why. often wanted to be her (feminine me) and didn't under stand that either.

[DanaM64]

I am also with the majority here, I was 4 or 5 when I started as well... I probably wouldn't even had remembered it if it hadn't been for my father catching me. He responded very well considering it was still in the 60's timeframe by saying to take off and put away all that I have on and don't do it again. Nothing more said, until the next time... Which was the same comment, only he added "What if you are caught by your sister or mother?" I now wish we had the same technology and knowledge that is available today, whether or not it would have been different who's to say? But one thing for sure, I definitely wouldn't have thought I was the only one!

My 1st sign of hope or possibility was when I read a Playboy issue that featured Tula, and in the write up there was mention of a book on her transition, I was devastated when the only book of her I found was in either French or Spanish... Had almost wished I hadn't taken typing & home ec's!

[Kate Simmons]

My childhood self image was a girl who was a tom boy.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

I'm another who started right out of the cradle. Of course the concept of wearing women's or girls clothes, got shot down very quickly by my parents. This led to the wonderful life of me trying to force myself into the mindset of being all male, and all the activities and interest along with it, in addition to get rid of whatever that "thing" is inside of me which desired to be a woman/girl. As the usual outcome, all of that denial came back with interest, and now I'm for that long term denial. Which honestly really is not as bad I'm making it sound. Currently my status is mixed, trying to live with both sides, although the fem side, is gaining more and more influence, and demanding more permanent changes in life.