Slightly better than DADT?

[AngoraGirl]

So my wife has known but has not approved for 7 or 8 years now. She started out super negative and a little mean about it, accusing me of being gay and all the usual stereotypes, but has mellowed a little over time on the subject but still wanted nothing to do with it. Over the last few months she has taken up smoking cigarettes a couple nights a week, a habit which she knows I hate. The past couple times she told me she was going outside to smoke, I half jokingly said to her, well if you are going to do that, I'm going to go upstairs and put on a dress. She didn't really have much of a reaction at all when I said that and I was surprised she would rather I do that than give up the smokes. Anyway, the first few times I said it, I never went thru with it. Last night, I decided to give it a shot. I went up stairs and dressed and then sent her a long text message that I knew she would read outside. I said that I loved her and didn't want my dressing to ever progress past the bedroom and didn't want anyone else to know about it. I said that I had been doing this since I was 13 years old and I don't know why but it makes me so happy, but it is lonely and I really want to be able to share it with you, my best friend. I said I know this is crazy, but will you please come upstairs and see me dressed. Unfortunately she wrote back a minute or two later "I love you! Have fun without me." Afterwards when we were both back together downstairs, she said I hope you aren't mad at me, your message was totally fair, and I wish I could do that for you, but I just can't. She said she just doesn't want to have that picture of me in her head. She understands that it's part of who I am and it's something I need to do, but she thinks it would ruin our marriage if she takes part. She only wants to see me as a man.

So I mean I guess this is slightly better than the DADT that we had before. Not that I am going to be flaunting it in her face when I need to dress, but it seems she is a lot more accepting than she has been in the past. Maybe I'll be able to at least talk to her about clothes, if not actually dressing in front of her... Still would have been nice to finally have someone to really enjoy it with and it does leave me a little sad that it seems like it won't happen. I have no interest in joining a support group or anything like that. I was honest with her that I don't have any desire to leave the house dressed...

[Jaylyn]

I actually from reading some of these post similar that some women think of us when we are dressed less the man they married when they didn't know we dressed. They do not realize that it could mean we are more the man because we are not afraid to show our feelings. I've often thought that some seem to think they will be competing against our femininity. Look at it this way at compared to smoking you probably won't have the smokers cough or worst cancer. Your hobby is less dangerous than hers is to your health. Unless she gets tired of it and hits you over the head with a frying pan. Take things slowly and she still might come around just reassure her how much you love her and wish she'd accept you when dressed.

[Jenniferathome]

I think this is a pretty reasonable position for her to take. You can't ever make her like it, enjoy it or participate, but being able to discuss it is huge.

[Tina_gm]

I guess I can say I am in a similar situation. My wife knows, we have talked about it, sometimes at length. Not much convo recently, a few things here and there. She is fully aware I have a feminine side far greater than that of the average guy. She accepts that I do. It is the visual that she wants nothing to do with or see. I would not push this on her. Be thankful that you are still with her and that she loves you and accepts that you dress. Not all women do.

[kimdl93]

Whatever image she's afraid of, in reality it's you there. My wife was wary of that same thing...afraid that the image would damage our relationship. But gradually, after a long talk she realized that I was the same person regardless of the clothes.

[Rachael Leigh]

Angora sounds so familiar to me, my wife and I had a long discussion last night about my dressing, like you my wife wants no part if it and if I understood her last night the only thing that would work for her is no dressing ever for me.
So I've given up any hope she will ever have any acceptance of this part of me. I have now got to decide what do I really want. I feel I may at some point give up my dressing in order to protect my marriage and it won't be easy but nothing that's done right or for the right reason is. There will be those here that will disagree but it's my life and situation not theirs.
I wish you well with your wife but don't expect a lot of change in how she views your dressing.
Not trying to discourage just being real world

[Wildaboutheels]

"Not that I am going to be flaunting it in her face when I need to dress, but it seems she is a lot more accepting than she has been in the past."

THAT ^^^ sounds suspiciously to me like you are going to use HER smoking as a reason to "push" your CDing on her. Or at least escalate... Play with fire and you just may get burned.

SHE has made it very clear to you HER feelings.

If I were you, I would be a lot more concerned about WHY she has only recently taken up smoking.

[StacyCD]

From DADT to a level of tolerance that allows me to dress however and whenever at home. It took what seems a eon but progress has been made. Keep talking. Slow progress is much better than no progress.

[Tina_gm]

I know for many women, my wife included, a TG husband is certainly not part of the picture of life they had in mind. Definitely a challenge, difficulties, fears confusion. But, I do think at some point, for those of us who are with women who are struggling with their acceptance of us, who can't or who are refusing to, I think we need to ask them what it is that they find so difficult and why they have such a problem with it. I do think that for a lot of us, even for some of us that do share or attempt to with our wives, maybe we need to not go there, or expect to. Maybe the feeling or expectation that we want them to be there and be a part of it is a big sticking point for them. A pressure of sorts and that may be putting a damper on it that otherwise might not exist??

I hear so often, my wife is not accepting. But yet she is still there with you, hasn't left you. Maybe it is our expectations of their acceptance which needs to be worked on as well.

[Jamie Lynn]

A little better if there can be general conversation at any time about girl stuff (clothes/styles, etc.) without disdain or unwarranted sarcasm.

But I hope she hasn't started smoking, knowing you hate it, as a "tit (not that kind ) for tat" thing. For me, the smoking would be the deal breaker in the relationship.

[JenniferR771]

My other half has a similar attitude. She does not want to see me dressed or see a photo.
I suppose she thinks it would change her concept of me as a man.
Actually, I don't think so. Her fears are exaggerated. I mean really. After a shower--I look about the same.
Remember Tom Henks in Bosom Buddies? And now in Captain Phillips--his star is still rising. Millions of fans can't be wrong.

Ever dated a girl that did not look so good in the morning? Padded bra, bleached hair, false eyelashes, contact lenses, wig, gray hair...once I got over the shock...it was fine.

[Patty F]

It is so sad to hear stories of wife's and so's not accepting what we do. I'm sure it is a shock to them to find out about our feelings, and if this person is the most wonderful thing in your life which I'm sure she is, it is sad to hear you say you may have to give up dressing to keep her. First your not being honest with yourself, as many of us started at an early age you may be able to suppress it for awhile but it will never go away. I tried many times to change, I ride motorcycles, played football in school, joined the military all trying to find a way to stop and be "normal". I really feel for you, just take it slow and show her you love her. good luck

[heatherdress]

Angora - Seems like you are in an OK place with your wife and that she is doing the best she can. That is good.

If you do have a desire to share discussions about clothes and maybe share some other experiences or feelings, why not try a CD group? My experiences attending functions are very positive. They are fun and supportive.

[MissTee]

Smoking is a tough, tough, tough habit to break. I quit and restarted a dozen times over a several decades. Too bad she's picked that back up.

My supportive spouse once explained to me how women are wired. Granted, it's just her theory, but it works for her. She sees clothes as clothes. Garments -- a facade -- made to throw over the real us. What's underneath doesn't change. So to her it's no big deal unless I want to have "the parts" reconstructed. Other ladies see things as hard coded guy and girl. Girls wear dresses and panties and bras. Any man caught in them is just . . . well . . . not a man anymore. With your wife's mental DNA, then, what you have in terms of acceptance might be the best it will ever be.

She still loves you and that's something to cherish. Best wishes!!

[ChristinaK]

I agree with Gendermutt. Heatherdress has a great idea with a CD group, even if your wife doesn't want to be a part of it. I wish my wife would accept that part of me, but I completely understand why she doesn't. I'm thankful for what she does allow even though she has restricted me from what she accepted in the past.

[Sarasometimes]

Sad to hear your wife is smoking which is undoubtedly a poor choice for one's health and well-being. I hate to be a killjoy, but what if you offer to never mention your dressing if she stops smoking? That would be one way to show her how important she is to you.
As other have said, you can't make someone like something they don't choose to like. Sure you can educate, but if the bottom line is she doesn't want to see/participate that should be her option. She didn't know of this before marriage so this could be really tough for her to accept. The text message reply could have been much worse than "Have fun without me."
You could also look at it this way. She knows you don't like her habit of smoking, so smokes only outside for 6 months. You tolerate it and say nothing negative about it. She then starts smoking inside and in fact she would like you to start smoking and buying her smokes. Any different than your situation? Put yourself in her shoes.

[Katey888]

I think there's a lot of good advice and insight here, Angora. Jaylyn said it for me: "Take things slowly..."

You may feel this is only slightly better than DADT but let me suggest it's a whole world better than hiding in a closet...

Katey x

[Beverley Sims]

You are making inroads and another suggestion is get yourself a makeover and get a photograph you could leave somewhere for her to find.
Remember her image is of a man in a dress.

[gwencd158]

I wish I could even have a true DADT - I tried to tell my wife years ago - conversation did not go so well. She makes her comments from time to time - so I know she knows - but I doubt she would ever want to see me dressed.

[Laura28]

I understand stand your desire to have her involved, i so want that. But i am in a much better place then you it sounds like. My wife likes for me to underdress (panties, nylons bra, no forms) she likes to see me in my pictures fully dressed (Make up, Wig ETC...). Likes me totally shaved and smooth, likes for me to keep my toes painted 24/7, yet she doesnt want to see me in person fully dressed??? I have asked her and she says she is not ready for that. She has known about me liking to dress for 30 plus years ( only in the last 4 years have i dressed all the the way and she has allways been encourging, she will buy me clothes make up and even give me tips based on pictures i send her, but cant get past seeing me all done up??? i dont understand her logic, but so wish she would see me dressed...

[Teresa]

Looking at it from a slightly different point of view, we all seem to assume that our wives have clear uncluttered minds and we are the only ones with a problem, she may have issues of her own that we don't know about, perhaps we should ask if there's some thing she wants to talk about?