“I’m cool with you.”

This has been stated to me, in one form or another, many, many times by many people.

Well, I’m cool with them, too, I suppose. But, unlike them, I do not feel any reason or compulsion to go around telling them that.

Even if I did, though, I would do so for entirely different reasons. I would do so for merited reasons, because they did something cool, or because they have earned their respective coolness in some cool way.

In my case, however, all I am is a simple tranny. I am a simple, goddamn tranny. Nothing more, nothing less.

As such, I have done absolutely nothing that should be viewed in a cool light other than be the broken, born-wrong person that I am. And that’s it. In other words, I haven’t earned crap yet.

But, however, I guess it should be at least some small consolation that I’m cool with some people, right? Better to be cool with folk than to not be cool, right?

Well, maybe. Maybe not. I suppose it's all a matter of perspective.

As it relates to perspective, the difficult question that I wrestle with is just exactly why are some people cool with me? I mean, am I cool with them because I have had the distinction of being born in the wrong body? Am I cool with them because I have lied to and deceived both them and myself pretty much my entire life about who and what I really am? Am I cool with them because I now have the opportunity to risk completely blowing up my entire life, family, and career while I do all I can to fix myself and become the real, authentic person that I so desperately need to be?

I mean, why are people cool with me? Seriously??! Is it so simple that they are cool with me just by virtue of the fact that I am a tranny? Or are they cool with me for some other reason entirely that I just don't understand?

It just doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense to me at all. It’s also seems very much silly, even.

“I’m cool with you.”

Yeah, I guess so.

And to those that would point out the obvious, believe me, I get, understand, and very much appreciate that such people who offer these sentiments are very-well intentioned, loving, innocent, good, sweet people. I get it. I really do.

In fact, historically, it was not so long ago that I used to greedily eat such words up. They meant a lot to me, even, and the more acknowledged the better. Back then, among other things, these words served to validate and legitimize me in some manner.

Regardless, whether right or wrong, in the here and now, as I have continued to grow and evolve, I am really beginning to hate hearing these things from folk now.

Because the thing is, the overwhelming chances are that those who state such things are cisgendered, and do not have even remotely the first clue or idea what it’s like to be me. Instead, they take folk such as themselves completely for granted on this basis, as if it is the most natural thing in the world. Which to them it is, I suppose. Not that I would know, but still.

As for me, though, all these things do now are serve to highlight even further that I am different from almost the entirety of the remaining population. To be sure, I presume that I must also be viewed and perceived by them as different, too, or the guilty parties would have no reason to tell me how cool they are with me, followed by the usual declaration that it is okay by them that I go ahead and transition.

Here’s the rub, though, and why it is really beginning to bother me – I do not want to be viewed as different. Not by others, and not by my self. All I want is to just be. Like everyone else, I want to be normal, too. And I want to be normal by being me. I want to be simply me, and that’s it. That’s all.

There is nothing more.

“I’m cool with you.”

Well, good for you. Be cool with me, if that makes you feel any better.

Just please stop, though, and don’t say it to me. Just don't do it. Please.

Sigh.