Gender Dysphoria

[mary something]

So many times we hear about gender dysphoria and always it is referred to in the most negative ways. It is something painful that we experience, it causes us problems. In my mind it has always been framed as at best a necessary evil perhaps but not so much anymore.

Do you consider it a positive or negative influence on your life? If so upon that reflection does that change your feelings towards it personally?

This question is open to ANYONE who has felt gender dysphoria, all of your answers will help my understanding and hopefully yours too. There are no right or wrong answers, gender dysphoria looks different and seems to have a timeline with different characteristics and attributes at different stages. I'm not sure it ever ends but I'm also not sure that is a bad thing either.

[Michelle.M]

Well, by definition it's probably a negative; dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria.

For me, it's been almost entirely positive. Oh, sure, there have been some less than desirable issues associated with my transition, and all those years of wondering what the heck was wrong with me were miserable (dysphoric). But ever since I had a word for what was going on with me, and ever since I discovered there was a treatment for it, and ever since I decided to take the path to wholeness my life has been terrific!

[mary something]

Michelle, what happened that caused the "ever since". Can you describe that more? I don't necessarily mean transition, more about your perspective

[I Am Paula]

I suffered from GD most of my life. I coped with a combination of: Ignorance, as in, I didn't know what I was feeling. Denial, There's nothing wrong with me that I can't fix myself.
Acceptance, there's nothing I can do, so live with it. Guilt, there's something I've done to make me this way.
Being a late bloomer, I lived in one of these situations constantly.
From about age 14, to 54 I suffered, sometimes mildly, and sometimes with months of depression, until the dam burst, and all at once I KNEW I could not go on as male.
I will always remember the day the elephant known as GD forced me out of the room. It came all at once. I was walking the dog with my sister, and I began uncontrollable weeping. We sat on some strangers front lawn until it was too cold, and EVERYTHING came out. I saw the nessassary Drs. a few days later.
The only good thing I could say about GD, is that feeling that bad, and confused is the ness. trigger to seek help. But that's a little like saying, the good thing about incontinence is that it tells you when to change pants!

[Michelle.M]

Michelle, what happened that caused the "ever since".

The "ever since"? I like that phrase. Sort of a variation on "ever after", as in "happily ever after".

Once I understood who and what I was [am], I was able to give myself permission to be that. Permission to express myself freely without suppressing everything as I had done all my life. Freedom to dress in a way I wanted to express myself. Freedom to express feelings and emotions and to live my own life instead of the life I had always been taught I should want.

That authenticity has literally made me a new person. I smile all the time now, I am open and friendly. I make friends easily and I have more friends than ever. I'm active in social and community events, and my life is more full and fun than ever.

Oh, sure, I have had some of the same experiences we've all had, such as redefining personal relationships and family dynamics, employment issues and whatnot. But on the whole the positives far outweigh the negatives.

I wouldn't go back to my former life for anything!

[arbon]

Do you consider it a positive or negative influence on your life? If so upon that reflection does that change your feelings towards it personally?

I can't think of positives!!

its just always been part of my life, part of whats made me who I am.

I don't experience so much anymore. Sometimes, but its more situational now.
Before it was more of a constant frustration and dislike of being a man. Unhappy and depressed, but I was used to it.

[LeaP]

From the APA:

For a person to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria, there must be a marked difference between the individual’s expressed/experienced gender and the gender others would assign him or her, and it must continue for at least six months. In children, the desire to be of the other gender must be present and verbalized. This condition causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

From a qualitative standpoint, there is no ambiguity in "clinically significant distress or impairment." Regardless of whether good may ultimately come of it, in itself it is a horrible experience.

In my case it has wreaked destruction across a wide swath of family and non-family relationships, been instrumental in establishing behaviors that have isolated me, contributed significantly to depression and borderline dissociation, kept me in a state of hair trigger anger and overreaction for decades, destroyed or prevented any real social life, hampered my career development, and driven me to attempt suicide.

Positive or negative? Are you kidding? Van Gogh was a brilliant painter because of what he was, but I doubt that he would've described it as a positive experience.

I have come to distinguish gender dysphoria as a condition from the issues and impairments that it causes, however. Much of my life can be described as suffering the consequences and impairments. There have always been gender "issues" muddled up in that in various and complicated ways. It wasn't until depression (in particular) was sorted out that transsexuality snapped into focus.

Now on hormones for 16 months, I'm stable and pretty happy. Consequences (not impairments) now flow from the actions I'm taking and decisions I'm making. What I mostly feel these days is out of sorts physically. Never happy with my body or how I look. Perpetually out of sync with my self image. No more muddle.

[mary something]

lea would you choose to have never had gender dysphoria if possible?

If so describe what that life would have looked like instead please, not so much the emotional description but the nuts and bolts of everyday life. Would you drive a more masculine vehicle for example?

[stefan37]

GD for me caused anxiety. I did not realize my anxiety was caused by it, had no idea i suffered from it. I knew I was different and crossdressed to feel better, but again did not link the anxiety , corssdressing to GD. The positive aspect of GD was I was able to channel that anxious energy into being active and getting involved in projects and hobbies. The transition has been very positive for me. I have been well accepted. My business is thriving because the energy I used to suppress myself has now been released and can be channeled into more positive events. There is one huge negative, which will take me a long time to get over. The demise of my 30 year marriage is a direct result of my need to transition. I wish I never suffered from GD, but it is the only thing I have known for 57 years. It is what it is and I have to deal with the consequences and take responsibility for any positives or negatives.

[Carlene]

In my current life arrangement, it can't be a good thing. There are too many people around me that need me to be all male, and I have accomplished that role all of my life. Having said that, I can relate to much of what LeaP has been through. I don't really want to go into it, but suffice it to say that I am no longer happy being the kind of man I am. In fact, I feel like I might want to be a blend of male/female. I believe that I am too old to learn enough about being a woman to actually become one and I'm not sure if that would be the answer anyway.

That being said, I don't see an end in sight. The freedom to explore who I am/might become is not readily available to me. It can be tough at times.......today is one of them................Carlene

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Going back to my group therapy days there was a topic called "gender dysphoria..a blessing? or a curse?" it caused a heated debate...

I'd parse it to say that basically its a curse... but you have power of over it, and if you exercise that power and live an authentic life because you found out about gender dysphoria and what it means, then using that power to live a good life is a blessing...

....

another line I remember from group therapy happened during my first session... there were about 10 of us...one transitioned woman, and 9 folks at various stages of transition, non transition, and distress...and lets get real about GD...everybody there was very distressed...

anyway, the counselor asked the transitioner to speak first... she asked her to describe what transition has done for her... there was quite a long pause, then she smiled kind of sadly and said.."well....it cured my gender dysphoria".... and we all hung on the rest of her words... but that was it.... she kind of smiled and finally said..."that's about it".....

I have to look back and smile as I think of how she got it very right...

The good news is when you get over the GD...it opens up your world... its hard to conceptualize it but I think of GD as being an ever present passenger to your male life... at various points its louder or quieter...more or less distress...and it takes enormous mental energy to deal with it... your life is viewed through GD glasses... every "guy" thing...every kiss..every movie...every woman you see (That you want to be)...every interaction that felt vaguely "wrong" ....every time you catch yourself in a female daydream...shutting down that 24/7 engine in your mind so you can function actually makes it pretty difficult to function!!!

looking back I don't know how I did it... the GD was so fricking everywhere in my head..it was hard to think...it was hard to plan and view a good future.....it was finally hard to live...and that's when you transition

MY GD was an experience that I would not wish on my worst enemy...I think back to all those years when I sucked it up and I just don't know how I survived it..

here's the good news for those looking ahead... I know its very tempting and exciting to try to figure it all out...I truly believe its helpful and supportive to share experience and get the download of what its really like to transition..
but if you transition well, I can guarantee your gender dysphoria will be totally and completely eradicated... this 24/7 churning in your mind just totally goes away... your mind frees itself up and in my own case, I find gender dysphoria as I experienced almost incomprehensible... its so gone, that it doesn't seem real....and what I went through doesn't harm me anymore...it doesn't make me bitter ..just a little bit sad...but I view it like any other 50 year old woman looking back on her life about the coulda woulda shoulda's of life..

transition cures gender dysphoria....maybe transition is the blessing borne of the curse of GD?

[mary something]

I feel like I might want to be a blend of male/female.

Thank you for sharing Carlene! When you wrote that above how did you feel emotionally when you typed the words? Did it feel good? Have you ever thought that exact same sentiment and felt fear also comingled into the emotions? I think at some point in my life I would have felt exhilerated and scared of this feeling.

[Marleena]

Do you consider it a positive or negative influence on your life? If so upon that reflection does that change your feelings towards it personally?

I see it as both but positive to a lesser degree. I've mentioned before that I've dealt with severe GD twice. My ex-wife and current wife both have seen me meltdown and both knew I needed help. It definitely can ruin your quality of life. I was like many here that went into denial and hiding thinking I had it beat only to have it rear it's ugly head again late in life when I can't do much about it. I won't go into that because it will sound like whining and I don't want sympathy or pep talks.

The positive was getting a therapist this time and finally deal with it and was happy to know I wasn't nuts. My whole life finally made sense as all the buried feelings and reasons for pain and depression came back. I was happy having the answer but it didn't last long. Another huge obstacle has just come up that will most likely see us losing our home. Right now I feel like I'm just taking pills to cope with it all.

What does drive me nuts is the posts we get in here about wanting hormones just for boobs or to feel more girlie. I do however understand people that have experienced GD and are excited with their steps during transition and post about it.

Michelle's post is so uplifting to me as she proves how transition can change your life for the better.

[Carlene]

I didn't necessarily feel good, nor was there fear attached. I believe it just might reflect the truth.

[mary something]

every "guy" thing...every kiss..every movie...every woman you see (That you want to be)...every interaction that felt vaguely "wrong" ....every time you catch yourself in a female daydream...shutting down that 24/7 engine in your mind so you can function actually makes it pretty difficult to function!!!

it sure does doesn't it Kaitlyn? deliberately stopping your mind from doing exactly what it should be doing makes it difficult to function. Would you agree with that?

EDIT- I'm sure that you're correct that transitioning well will solve GD, I've heard that consistently and it seems to be a universal truth. Do you think it is possible to transition better by understanding GD better? Why do you think she smiled sadly?

I believe it just might reflect the truth.

thank you! was it a hopeful sort of feeling or more perhaps an analytical type of thought? I hope you don't mind if I ask you to give an idea of the emotion that comes along with it. If you're not feeling one that is ok too!

[Ariamythe]

Personally, GD more or less ruined my adult life up to this point. It caused me to have trouble making friends (never fit in with 'the guys"). It drove me into depression. It made me overeat to make myself feel better. It caused me to be angry and temperamental. It destroyed my relationship with my ex-wife and made it harder for me to love my children. Ultimately, it almost drove me to kill myself.

GD is really just an effect, though. Had I been raised in a culture that didn't make me scared and ashamed of the feelings; that didn't mock "trannies" and use men in dresses as the butt of jokes; that didn't so strictly enforce mores and traditions that demanded the gender binary; then perhaps GD wouldn't have ruined my life. Perhaps it would have been a signal instead of a symptom. Perhaps, by now, i'd be cured.

Luckily, I'm finally "on the mend" from GD. My life is getting better. It may be too little, too late to fix all the damage it caused, but I can sure as heck make sure it doesn't damage me anymore.

[mary something]

The demise of my 30 year marriage is a direct result of my need to transition.

I appreciate you sharing Stephanie. When my marriage ended it was very difficult for me to speak about it for a long time. May I ask you a personal question? I struggled with the fact that my marriage simply didn't have the framework and underpinnings that would allow me to be happy. I tried really hard in lots of different ways to work around that by learning new skills, enjoying hobbies, becoming a fan of a local sports team, reading voraciously. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it but it wasn't fulfilling to what I needed. I struggled with bouncing between being resentful towards my wife for not understanding that I was expressing needs and not wants. Then after feeling resentful towards her I would then feel guilty towards myself for feeling that way. I've always admired how you can express your feelings about the changes in your relationship without being judgemental towards your SO.

its just always been part of my life, part of whats made me who I am.

Have you always thought of it as being outside of you? Does it feel consistent with your experiences to say it is part of you?

[LeaP]

lea would you choose to have never had gender dysphoria if possible?

If so describe what that life would have looked like instead please, not so much the emotional description but the nuts and bolts of everyday life. Would you drive a more masculine vehicle for example?

I am glad you asked the first question in the way you did. It is often asked in the form "would you choose never to have been transsexual." I have no answer for my second formulation. To ask what it would mean to be me without being me doesn't mean anything. But would I not have GD? OMG! Of course I would choose not to have GD!

I like theoretical things – a lot. But even I won't go into what life might have been like. I've tried on one or two occasions, but it really doesn't yield any benefit to try.

It's pretty hard to imagine driving a more masculine vehicle than the pickup trucks have been driving for the last 30 years, though. I finally gave them up last year. I'm now driving a bright orange jeep!

[mary something]

I've mentioned before that I've dealt with severe GD twice.

Was it different at different ages? What did you tell yourself the first time that you were able to surpress your feelings? Was it negative towards yourself?

To ask what it would mean to be me without being me doesn't mean anything. But would I not have GD? OMG! Of course I would choose not to have GD!

Ironic isn't it that the medicine is the ill? Can we boil it down to being a bunch of folks who don't want to take their medicine lol? (sorry, I couldn't help but pose that type of chicken and egg question to you, it's your analytical mind made me want to! )

I agree completely with your sentiment, but does it seem that we are imagining a choice that doesn't exist? Why do we so willingly sacrifice something to pretend this choice exists that many other people wouldn't?

Orange jeeps are so much better than pickups!

I'm sorry for all the questions, I promise I'm not trying to pick or argue.

Would it be safe to say that you picked out vehicles pretty much the same way throughout your life as if gender dysphoria hadn't affected you? Did it increase or lessen over time?

[Marleena]

Was it different at different ages? What did you tell yourself the first time that you were able to surpress your feelings? Was it negative towards yourself?

When I was in my twenties I tried to self medicate. I had no idea what was driving me back then. I have my answer now. Anyways, I ran out of pills and life got in the way and I went into "survival mode" like we learn to do (denial. repression). There was nothing negative about wanting to transition then and it would have been the perfect time if I had the help I do now.

I don't want it now due to my age and financial situation. The intensity is increasing to about the same now as back then though I think. I'm being cautious about what I do though.

We're better off looking at the success stories here, I'm not one of them.

[LeaP]

...Can we boil it down to being a bunch of folks who don't want to take their medicine lol? ...

I don't think so. I'd like to think that in a better world, transsexuality would be identified and corrected without stigma. No stigma and most of the things we are calling GD disappear. If so, GD isn't necessary medicine, it's better compared to reparative therapy, in this case institutionalized and applied by our community and culture. Reparative therapies don't work - they damage people. We are living proof.

I agree completely with your sentiment, but does it seem that we are imagining a choice that doesn't exist? Why do we so willingly sacrifice something to pretend this choice exists that many other people wouldn't?

...
Would it be safe to say that you picked out vehicles pretty much the same way throughout your life as if gender dysphoria hadn't affected you? Did it increase or lessen over time?

You are going to have to clarify the first paragraph above. I've read it 5 times and still don't get what you are asking.

On the vehicle question, I've wanted a Jeep since my teens when my sister's friend showed in hers with her St. Bernard riding in the passenger seat, the top off, and windshield folded down. Coolest thing I had ever seen. My first car was an orange, 1967 Dodge Dart. I'm less sure about motivations for most of the vehicles in between that orange Dart and the orange Jeep, but it sure feels like a return to Oz.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Mary, her smile was a beaten down smile...it made a huge impression on me... I looked at her at the time as a beacon of something I aspired to be..and I think in that room she was very aware that is how many of us felt....but she also knew what many of us were in for.... she knew what she had accomplished, she knew what it cost..she knew what the therapist was really asking.... I think her smile reflected all of that...

++++
You asked if there is any value in asking the question..

No, I do not think there is much value (to the transitioner) in trying to understand and what I'd say is overanalyze gender dysphoria...its a distress borne of experience and its difficult for words to reflect what it really is

...its certainly worth discussing what it is so we can all communicate effectively about it..

its very valid to talk about it and how we experienced it in the context of supporting each other and realizing that we are not alone... there is just so much distress around all of this

...its good to share...but I just don't see how understanding it better helps...
by "understanding" what do you mean anyway?? if somehow you understood it better than you do now, what would you gain?

I suspect that sometimes the very natural question you asked comes from a place of trying to escape the reality of it...

[Kimberly Kael]

So many times we hear about gender dysphoria and always it is referred to in the most negative ways. It is something painful that we experience, it causes us problems. In my mind it has always been framed as at best a necessary evil perhaps but not so much anymore.

As others have pointed out, gender dysphoria is an inherently negative force. It's the manifestation of pressure to conform to standards established by a majority who doesn't understand the reality experienced by transgender individuals. It's no more a "necessary evil" than gay bashing or witch burning, and it's rooted in some of the same prejudices.

I attribute significant positive aspects of my life to being transgender, but that's despite gender dysphoria, not because of it.

[arbon]

Have you always thought of it as being outside of you? Does it feel consistent with your experiences to say it is part of you?

I'm not really sure what you mean.
GD has been a big part of my experience in life, and it was a pretty negative experience.
I don't know if that makes it a part of me, inside or outside of me.

I always like the way Kaitlyn says things, I liked what she said in her first post on this thread
I mean not having all the confusion, shame, fear, depression, anxiety etc. that were all connected to the gd,
to just be able to be myself
its like night and day in my life.


I do know that Jeeps are pretty cool and wish I had one!

[mary something]

Arbon- have you ever thought to yourself "I am gd"? It comes from within us, we cant ignore it because it is us!

Lea I guess what I mean is that our dysphoria and the extremeness of what we experience is based upon thinking that we can not be ourselves. That it is even a choice.

Gender dysphoria is us lying to ourselves. Its not the gender dysphoria that damages as much as the lies. The things we tell ourselves to stop is from being true to our nature.

We beat ourselves up our entire lives. Now read kellys quote in my SIG.