On my own again

[Rick5881]

Well my revealing my fetish of dressing at least partially has ended my marriage. I tried to trust her enough to tell her my secret of my need from time to time to let my feminine side out and now I killed my marriage. I'm trying really hard not to blame her for rejecting me, but it's difficult to say the least. I was a good husband in every way I know, but now she has told her best friend about something I held secret for my whole life, she has shamed me to her friend and betrayed the trust I put in her by telling her in the first place. I can't help what I feel, I'm not evil or sick, I'm a good person inside. I work long and hard, I took care of our home, I made love to my wife with true passion, but because I'm not what is socially acceptable, I'm a freak in her eyes, and now her friend too. She has shamed me, she has abandoned me, in spite of the love I gave her, the kind of love that poets write about, but now I've been forsaken and cast aside.. I'm now alone in the dark, with the feeling of being a fool to be ridiculed for being honest.

[Julie Gaum]

Have no idea how long you were married but, obviously, even if it had been a short time --- she thinks you had concealed, lied, misrepresented and the list goes on. This Forum has heard the spewing of the wronged spouse so many times and know that it's understandable from one point of view. Its 20-20 hindsight now for evidently she wasn't prepared, didn't have a basic knowledge and other factors we don't know, such as her family's orientation like church influence etc.. Rick you are not a fool and have no reason at all to feel shame. The very fact that she went running to her friend instead of at least trying to learn more about you proclivities shows, for whatever reason, a rocky marriage dashed by ignorance and hate. You are not the first nor will you be the last to suffer the consequences for being honest and forthright --- believe or not for now you're in pain but your wife must equally share the actions of both. Head up high for this too will pass, believe me.
Julie

[kimdl93]

She wasn't oblige to accept this in you and you are not obliged to feel shame because she disapproves. I'm sorry this didn't work out. A few questions... How old are you, how long were you married before this came out? Not that it matters, but it helps put things in context.

[giuseppina]

Hello Rick

I'm saddened but not at all surprised your now-ex has done this. Chances are high this pattern of behaviour will continue. Things may get worse before they get better.

The trick is rising above this and taking the high road. I don't remember if you have children with this woman, but they will appreciate it if you don't talk negatively about her in their presence. Most judges are not impressed with this conduct; there is ample precedent to order it stopped.

There are legal remedies (restraining orders or the equivalent where you live) for this kind of nonsense.

[VictoriaP]

Rick, even the strongest marriages are tested by the revelation of crossdressing. Thankfully, my wife and I survived, but we had a few rough months. Ultimately it was our love that kept us together. I have to say that your ex sounds like either a very young, and or, a very immature woman, who perhaps was not all that you believed her to be. As Julie has told you YOU have nothing to be ashamed of, she cannot shame you. You are who YOU are. Be proud of it!

[Amy Lynn3]

Rick, run as fast as you can, to the best divorce lawyer in your area. Allow him/her to advise you on what can be done about her running you down. You will need advise on your next move to protect your interest in material things and children too. Take it from a person who has been there, your best defence is a good offence.

Wishing you the very best,
Amy

[Rick5881]

I don't have children with my wife. I'm 54 years old and truly in my heart felt that I had found the one, I guess I was wrong again. She said she felt betrayed when she found this blog, where I tried to share feelings with others that understood my plight but now I feel betrayed that she would reveal something I've held inside, sharing with no-one, something I knew most could never understand, social concepts are so misunderstood by the masses.

[Erica Marie]

Rick dont be too sure there are not other motives at work here. It sounds all too familiar. I had a similar situation with my last gf. We were high school sweethearts. She left and married someone else. 20 yrs later she divorced and we rekindled. The second time we were dating for three years. She was pretty openminded and a rather sexual minded person. We were talking one night about different things and I told her about my dressing, assuming it was the right time. Well she was a bit confused about it at first. Then she started to accept it she even took me shopping and bought me cloths a few times. But all of a sudden things were "too much" for her. Well come to find out it was too much because she was screwing around behind my back and she needed a good excuse to do it.
My suggestion if you know this other lady personally talk to her and get the whole story and present your side of it.
I felt the exact same way you did. So I talked to my exgfs exsister inlaw. She was the only friend we had in common. She accepted me for who I was and reassures me it wasnt my fault, her motives were way more than a problem with me dressing. Dont be ashamed, be yourself and be proud.

This comes from a divorced crossdresser with two kids. Yeah my ex wife knew about it too, not the reason she left but it didnt help matters. I made it, that was almost 14 yrs ago. I maintained a great relationship with my kids and me and the exwife are great friends. And she has never brought it up since.

[Stephanie Morgan]

My heart goes out to you Rick. What will be will be....and all too often it is not what we envisioned. When one tells a spouse a secret that has been kept for an extended period of time, one never knows just how that spouse will react. However your spouse's immediate flight response is certainly her choice to make. You cannot undo what has been done, only move forward as you see best. I truly believe that the clothes do not make the person. If you are a good person in male mode, you are a good person in female mode etc. With that said, try not to feel ashamed. And please take the necessary steps to ensure your materially protected so the bad doesn't become worse. I wish you the best!

hugs,
Stephanie

[stephNE]

Rick, I know this seems difficult now, but I also know you can rise above it and eventually be better. Hiding is no way to live. All things work out.

[Rachael Leigh]

Rick Im so sorry to hear this, this is a very hard road we travel as CDs and I know many times my wife has told me if only she had known how deep I was into my dressing she would have left long ago. It hurts me to see folks like us who have good marriages loose it because of what is something we would never wish on anyone or would have to endure. I hope you will find peace. Hugs and God Bless
Leigh

[Alice Torn]

Rick, My heart goes out to you too. Reminds me of the old Hank Williams story song, "Men With Broken Hearts." You are entering your personal "dark night of the soul." I am 59, been rejected hundreds of times, and most without them knowing about Alice. Some of us men, are "walking alone.' I believe we have been living in extremely hard hearted times, when most people including GG, are lovers of money and power. It is certainly ok to live alone, and "friends are hard to find, when they discover that your'e down", as another song goes. Sometimes, i go to 12 step meetings, in guy mode, because i am all alone in the world, too. This site is a good place to vent.

[Rick5881]

I'm a songwriter too, this reminds me of a song I wrote called alone at dark, The words are
I wonder why I feel so sad, as I remember, the good times I've had
Why does life look so black, talk to me Lord give me some feedback
No one knows the pain that I've been through,
I put on a happy face that's what I learned to do.
People think there's peace in my heart
If only they knew I'm alone in the dark

[Cynthia Anne]

I thought long and hard before I responded to this thread! I don't mean to sound sarcastic, but you describe yourself as the most perfect husband that any wife would want! Yet; you say cross dressing ''at least partially ended your marriage''! Now I wonder what other things could be a factor in ending the marriage with the almost perfect husband! If cross dressing isn't 100% of the problem then perhaps you are not being honest with yourself! Perhaps it's time to have a talk with your wife and perhaps some counseling is needed! Please try! NEVER throw away a good thing!

[Beverley Sims]

Apart from other explanations given here, I always look at other underlying reasons.
Maybe there is a way to repair what has happened.
I would work on what you have and live with the current situation for now.
Just because others know, you can learn to live with what you see as a stigma.

Smile and look forward to the future.

[Rick5881]

When I said at least partially I meant I wore lipstick when I was alone, never full makeup or clothes

[Alexis.j]

My heart goes out to you.
I am also divorced (not due to tg issues), but she wasn't really supportive in that aspect either.
Now that I am alone, I feel WAY better and happier. I can now do and be myself.
Sure, it does get lonely at times, but for me I'd rather be alone and happy, than miserable with someone.
Good friends help more than you might imagine.
If one day I do meet a special person, that accepts me as I am, that will be nice.

[MatildaJ.]

My wife and I have been married three years but I didn't tell her about my cross-dressing until a couple months ago...I told her I would stop wearing lipstick since it upset her so badly and I really would but after a couple of weeks she said she wanted me to be me, and I took to mean, that so long as she wasn't exposed it was okay, that was a mistake. I found this blog and began to post threads and comment on threads and even made a few new friends. One night after I had gone to bed she opened my iPad and found the blog and read all my posts and was very upset to say the least. I never thought she would go through my personal things so I didn't lock the iPad, another mistake. She woke me up and told me that she felt betrayed and cheated on and wanted a divorce, and no amount of begging from me could change her mind.

now she has told her best friend about something I held secret for my whole life, she has shamed me to her friend and betrayed the trust I put in her by telling her in the first place.

You didn't trust her. You didn't tell her at all until a couple of months ago. And then you said you'd stop if she wanted you to. When she said she wanted you to be yourself, that wasn't a promise to stay with you if you wanted to be a CD. But you didn't talk that out with her, to find out what she really meant. Instead you began to explore secretly. And you regret not hiding your exploration better, with a lock on your iPad, so you could continue your explorations without her knowing.

That's not what trust looks like.

[Tracii G]

Sorry you are going thru this for whatever reason I'm not going to judge and say you didn't do this or do that.
My second wife walked out in 06 and she still won't still me why.I was a good provider and all that stuff and a loving husband.
Mine never knew about my CDing for the record.
She decided it was time to go so she left and that was something that hurt me very badly but I have to agree being alone and happy is far better than miserable and with someone.

[Lynn Marie]

My exgf felt like I had been cheating on her throughout our years together when I finally told her about my CDing. She was right. I was very wrong and I broke her heart. She really didn't deserve that. She gave me all her love and trust.

Being alone is an acquired taste. We don't have to have a women in our lives. It sure makes life a whole lot simpler!

[vallerie lacy]

Rick,
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. We can never know what is going on in the minds of our partners. I also went through a divorce and found out some things I never would have imagined. I know it's hard, but it's not the end of the world. I got very lucky with #2. I hope you do too.

[LelaK]

Is it better to be alone after having had a good companionship for some time?

Or is it better to be alone not having had any close companionships in the first place?

I don't know if I'll ever have an answer to that myself.

[Rick5881]

You're right, I wasn't honest from the beginning, but you know nothing of me or how I tried to be a good husband. I learned from my past mistakes, not to ever take her for granted, to tell her every day how much I truly loved her, to let her know how much having her in my life made me happy. I was a coward for not having the self respect to not let her know I had shameful issues, shameful only because they are socially un acceptable . I was wrong to lead her to believe that I was more of a cowboy than I am, but I am a man regardless of what most people think is acceptable. I work in construction, I work an average of 70 hours a week, I took care of our home, painting, planting, mowing, taking out the trash etc, I also said I made passionate love to my wife, I did, because I love her more than sex, it was about being one with the one you love.. Yes I made mistakes, many, you were right on many levels of your interpretations of my post. I felt disrespected that she would go through my iPad , I think in any relationship there has to be some level of personnel intimacy, I never meant to keep secrets but I was trying to get input from other people that understood my plight more than the average

[Desirae]

You know an older friend of mine (not CD, I GUARANTEE that) got divorced after 37 years of marriage. This is a really nice guy, too. He told me, and I believe him, that he didn't see it coming. He was a good provider. They raised two great kids together who are both very successful and long out of the house. 37 years. Just out of the blue one day she said she wanted a divorce. Seems she had been seeing another guy (who she worked with) for well over a year. I believe my friend when he says he never had any suspicions. He's not that kind of person. He's real "churchy", not that there's anything wrong with that. He's just a really trusting type of person. He would give you the shirt off his back. High morals and all that kind of stuff.

Needless to say he was devastated for a long time. Just about to the point of a nervous breakdown. He was an ex-smoker who had been off cigarettes for more than 30 years. He started smoking again. Still does.

My point is that they had a great life. BEAUTIFUL house. All the money in the world. Took vacations and cruises. He thought all was well. It just seems that some people (can be either the guy OR the girl) sometimes just fall out of love for no apparent reason. They maybe start wondering what else is out there. I think, when it happens, it happens a lot in the latter midlife stages. Maybe it is a midlife crisis kind of thing.

My friend made it back. It took awhile. Quite a while. But he made it back. He's remarried now. I'm sure you'll get there, too. Just hang in there.

[LelaK]

You're right, I wasn't honest from the beginning, but you know nothing of me or how I tried to be a good husband. I learned from my past mistakes, not to ever take her for granted, to tell her every day how much I truly loved her, to let her know how much having her in my life made me happy. I was a coward for not having the self respect to not let her know I had shameful issues, shameful only because they are socially un acceptable . I was wrong to lead her to believe that I was more of a cowboy than I am, but I am a man regardless of what most people think is acceptable. I work in construction, I work an average of 70 hours a week, I took care of our home, painting, planting, mowing, taking out the trash etc, I also said I made passionate love to my wife, I did, because I love her more than sex, it was about being one with the one you love.. Yes I made mistakes, many, you were right on many levels of your interpretations of my post. I felt disrespected that she would go through my iPad , I think in any relationship there has to be some level of personnel intimacy, I never meant to keep secrets but I was trying to get input from other people that understood my plight more than the average

The question is, are you going to make much or any effort to save your relationship via counseling or something, or are you going to accept that this one may be over and seek inspiration for what to do next. Or is there some other question?