Are we invisible...

[Momarie]

You know those women...

Those women that love a CD, TV, TS, GID...etc., etc., etc.

Are we just a shield, a diversion, a front to make ya'll appear normal to your family's, to your employers or anyone else who wouldn't understand.

Is that all we are?
All we ever were?

'Cause I thought we were so much more.

You were Golden Hun...
You still are.

You witnessed where I came from and cared for me anyway.
How'd that happen?

Remember?
When we were so comfy, snuggled in our nighties watching our favorite shows.
Taking photos ('course I never knew how come) or when we just made breakfast and read the paper and all those thousands of things two people who care for one another do.

I don't understand how you could so easily just let me go...
Just toss me aside
After almost 40 years.

How you could let our intimate times just drift away on that warm summer morning, just 'cause I couldn't switch roles?
I never knew how little I meant to you.
I do now.

Still...
I adore you and I miss you so much Jim.

....and I have tried so very hard to understand.

Did you ever try half as hard to understand me?
In the end, I guess I just wasn't good enough.

Please don't make light of my words...
They are heartfelt.
I can't pour all I feel for the man and what we shared, all those years in a few simple lines.

I just hope he knows, he was well loved.
And I am so very sorry I couldn't be more to him.

[DianeDeBris]

The pain you're feeling is palpable in your writing. I'm truly sorry for your trouble. I don't know you, or him; but I can pretty well guarantee you that his decisions were not - repeat, not - caused by any failure or shortcoming of yours. Please know that lots of us are giving you hugs, care and support.

[Amanda M]

Momarie - what pain you have. I'm sorry, and I wish I could help.

Let me just say that for me, my wife is not a front, a convenient prop. I am so fortunate, that she loves ME - all of me (well, except the bit that's a slob), and I love her deeply.

I have tried throughout our 48 years together to be as good as a husband as whe could want. Failed of course, several times, but as long as I have breath, I shall continue to love her.

I'd like to reaffirm what Diane has just said - whatever happened, I feel sure that the shortcomin gs were not yours.
Thinking of you,
Amanda.

[AmyGaleRT]

Momarie, I wish I were there to give you a big hug right about now.

Sabrina is not a "front" or a "prop" to me, either. It is because of her love, understanding, acceptance, and support that I-as-Amy even exist to the degree I do.

I, too, intuitively feel that whatever happened between you and Jim was not your fault. Just as crossdressing is not usually the only cause of a couple splitting up, neither is it something that can hold a marriage together in the face of other factors.

- Amy

[Momarie]

Thanks Ladies...your kind words mean a lot to me.

You know the thing is...

All those years, he let me think it was my fault.
He let me think there was something inherently wrong with me.

He'd rather let me believe in my own shortcomings, than acknowledge his own.

I wasn't a 10.
I wasn't pretty enough.
I was too fat.
I was too damaged.
He fed that...

[Marcelle]

Hi Momarie,

I am so sorry to hear the pain caused to you in your words and this is heartfelt as I can tell you still care for him on a deep level. However, the fault lies with him not you sweetie as he took the best you had to offer and only returned the worse. I am sure you have seen the best in him and those are the memories that you carry which is evidenced in your writing. Cherish those good parts as they will help with the process but please keep those in perspective with the not so good as this will allow you understand that it was not you but him.

Hugs and an extra one because you need it.

Isha.

[Launa]

All I can say is there are thousands of Transgender folk that would die and kill to have a SO that is so understanding.
To be loved unconditionally with maybe 1 or 2 things you didn't want to do?
Somebody will seriously regret this decision and have a sore hand from now on.

[Kate Simmons]

I disagree with him my friend. You are a beautiful person both inside and outside. You are a very important person to us.

[Sara Jessica]

You seem too young to have been in a relationship for almost 40 years. My heart goes out to you.

One part of what you have conveyed so eloquently really got me thinking...

All those years, he let me think it was my fault.
He let me think there was something inherently wrong with me.

He'd rather let me believe in my own shortcomings, than acknowledge his own.

While my own relationship doesn't include an element of interaction that you shared in yours, I have been there before on a long-term dating level and your comment made me think of how I basically manipulated myself into her closet. From there though, things were different than you describe, I didn't have to put her down in order to explore my own gender issues.

I'm not an expert on the experience of the natal female who is confronted with this in a relationship but one common reaction I have read time & time again has to do with the woman feeling as if she must question her own femininity, how she measures up, etc. It seems your Jim maintained a level of manipulation in an effort to keep you in a particular place, preying upon your own self-esteem as a card in a game to enhance and maintain his desired place which is simply wrong (a CD'er who thinks of only himself first, how can that be???). I can only hope that he didn't play this consistently for nearly 40 years, that there was a genuine emotional component which was reciprocated throughout most of your relationship.

A spouse who has it in her to be able to punch through any reservations head-on when it comes to these things is pure gold, a treasure that is searched for by many but found by few...a treasure who needs to be cherished. I dare to say that most who have SO's who are able to integrate TG (at whatever level) into the relationship do in fact cherish their spouses and do not feel a need for continual manipulation. I'm sorry yours didn't have that in him.

I have always adored your honesty in these pages and hope that you find peace from the hurt you are feeling sooner than later.

[Lori Kurtz]

No, you shouldn't think of yourself as a shield or a front for him. I was married twice; for my first wife, I was a closet CDer and she knew nothing about it until suddenly she did, at which point the marriage was over; and for my second wife, I was a CDer only in my mind, and other than keeping that mental imagery secret from her, I was completely faithful to her. I loved both of those women, and nothing about me was the fault of either of them. And there's the key thing for you: nothing about your husband is your fault. Believe that, and believe in yourself. Please.

[kimdl93]

I'm so very sorry to read your heart rending expression of grief. I don't know anything about you or your former partner, of course...but I know that divorce, especially after so long a time, is a terrible thing to endure.

But as a friend said to me when I was in a similar place, the sun will rise tomorrow and your life will go on. Force yourself to get out and be among people, family and friends, doing things...anything that can redirect your thoughts for a few hours each day.

And when you are alone, come back here and visit with us. You're deeply appreciated here.

[Lucy_Bella]

Thanks Ladies...your kind words mean a lot to me.

You know the thing is...

All those years, he let me think it was my fault.
He let me think there was something inherently wrong with me.

He'd rather let me believe in my own shortcomings, than acknowledge his own.

I wasn't a 10.
I wasn't pretty enough.
I was too fat.
I was too damaged.
He fed that...

One word.......WOW!!
I know there are two sides to every story but if this ( and I am not saying it isn't ) is true..He did not deserve you period..No ones deserves to be treated in this way give it time and you will find the strength to realize you are much better off with out him..

[Jenniferathome]

Momarie, it wasn't you. That may seem trite, but it is that simple. He didn't have his shit together. Why did it take so long? He was a coward. While I think it is normal to internalize you have to tell yourself AND believe it is not you. You deserve better.

Good luck

[Julie Gaum]

Momarie, you are a treasure set adrift on a stormy ocean. You will soon find a sunny shore --- I cry for you. I cry for you.
Julie

[GretchenJ]

I am very sorry to hear of your pain. I agree with everything mentioned above. He did not appreciate what he had, a SO which had your total love and unconditional support. At the end of the day, I agree with Jennifer , the old say you don't know what you have until it's gone will come to roost for him.

Stay strong, and come to know that myself and many many others are here for support and to lend an ear.
Gretchen

[Bethany38]

Momarie The total pain and devastation I could feel in reading tour words leaves me at a loss for them. Although i do not know you. I feel the need to do something to console you. I wish there was something I could do for you.

[Marleena]

Momarie I'm sending you a big Cyber hug. In my mind you did nothing wrong so please don't blame yourself.

[Momarie]

Thank you so much everyone.
Your words and understanding have comforted me.

All I can think of is how much Jim has suffered...his whole life.
And how my emotional display might have hurt him even more which he doesn't deserve.
We all got caught up in this and couldn't find the way out.
I just can't bear to hear a word said against him.

Jim is so good, truly golden.
He has always been my Hero.

I just miss him so much.

[Beverley Sims]

I do feel some of your pain and I hope the future does brighten for you.