Need Some Advice

[janedoe]

Hi gang,

I need some advice, opinions, thoughts, etc..., from people who live in the real world, and not who think CD are bizarre.

Here's my backstory: been a CD to some degree since I was 5 or 6. Always enjoyed it, can't explain why. As a teen, I started doing it more, and eventually people found out, and, as you can expect, things got quite heated (as teens can be very judgmental).

I stopped for years, simply because of society's views on it, but it always lingered there. A few years later, I began to cd again in private, and over time, the desire to do it more grew.

Here’s where I’m at today: I’m married, and I have a desire to do it more frequently, but have been at an internal conflict of what is right and wrong, based on life experiences, as well as societal norms. I have desires to do it more regularly, and out in public, but I don’t for various reasons.

Things started bubbling up late summer, and I’ve been thinking them over ever since. I’m now at the point where I do have strong desires to do this regularly and more openly… but I know it would mean my marriage wouldn’t really be realistic. That said, I want to make it known my wife is accepting of who I am and what I do. She’s always been ok with me doing it around the house, etc. But the two things that are sticking points for her is that she ultimately wants me to be happy, and that if I do this the majority of the time, it would be hard on her, as she wants to be married to a guy. And while she wants me to be happy with who I am, she’s understandably scared for me. The city I live in is very progressive, being a university city, but at the same time, even with half a dozen major campuses, it’s still very small and things get around fast.

I’ve been struggling with this my whole life, trying to process who I am and what I need. This has always been a struggle of mine, and I’ve never been completely able to accept it.

What do you folks think? I’m afraid to move on, but I’m also carrying a strong burden to dress how I want.

[Marcelle]

Hi Jane,

A quick question . . . Is your wife against you going out in public? You mention that she is against you doing this a majority of the time. However, you do not state she is against public outings. My wife is supportive of Isha and her going out in public although she won't go out with me as she is afraid of seeing me get hurt (emotionally that is) by rude comments. I normally only get out one or twice in a month but do spend more time semi-dressed at home.

If your wife is against you going out in public, it might a good idea to discuss the subject with her. Why is she reticent (i.e., people knowing, you getting hurt)? If she is not against you going out in public then you could work to agree to limitations such as only with a support group or once or twice a month. I guess I would need a bit more information to truly provide some advice.

Hugs

Isha

[Lucy_Bella]

It drove you here so that tells me you are looking for a balance and from your post it looks like you have been thinking things out very well before you act one them..
If the town you live in is so small and you fear being exposed maybe you and your wife might think about taking a trip some other place that may be TG friendly.. Then go from there..

[janedoe]

She's against me doing it publicly, because it could cause me harm, and be embarrassing to her (more so because of what others will think and therefore judge her on based on my outward actions).

[Lucy_Bella]

The "Gotta go out in public" ache... Been there and the never ending urge to get out!!..Talk it over with the wife for sure first.. I had that urge for many years tough one and how I handled it was to go out finally.. When I did it wasn't worth all the fuss in fact I did learn a few things from it..

1. I am a fetish dresser not so much a gender issue..

2. Going out was wiped from my system once I finally did it.. I no longer had the urge or as extreme as it once was..To do it anytime again soon..

Be warned , I am not in anyway saying that the same will happen to you ,some go out and can not get enough of it everyone is different..

[Marcelle]

Hi Jane,

Then you will need to make a decision here. If your relationship is important to you then you need to be considerate of you wife's wishes. Presenting in public especially in a small community where word can spread quickly, will most likely lead to some of the concerns she has. She is supportive and you can embrace that and work within the agreed upon arcs of fire. However, if this is causing you emotional distress (the need to dress in public) there is no sense in doing harm to yourself and perhaps good communication on this subject is warranted. I do like Lucy-Bella's advice in that would your wife be agreeable to trip away from your community where you could express this desire and still retain privacy.

It is not an easy thing we do and in some cases we may have to accept limitations in order to maintain what is important to us. In the same logic, we also need to attend to our own emotional well being as distress can cause other issues in a relationship. I really recommend some serious communication with your wife on how best to proceed unless you can live with the limitations. Bear in mind this is my opinion only as you know your wife best and how she would respond to such a conversation.

Hugs

Isha

[Valarie]

Hi Jane,
I agree with Isha, communication is the best way to deal with any major marital issue whether it is dressing or bills. Your SO seems to be on the same level as mine, she accepts me, and enjoys me dressing. However she has some fears about me doing it in public, mainly because of my safety, not her being embarrassed. The best thing you can do is communicate with her. Let her know how you feel, and she may be supportive of it.

[Tracii G]

Great advice and I agree speak with her and get all your fears out there and discuss the matters as a couple.
Let her know exactly how you feel and the need to take that step out in public.
You may do it once and never even want to the second time who knows?
Doing it with her in some other town is a great idea that way you both get to have the same experience.

[janedoe]

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

I should clarify and expand things too (which actually doesn't nullify anything said, but helps conversation, I think): My wife and I have talked about this a few times, and that's actually what brought me to ask for advice. She's also a member on here (not sure what her name is, but that's something else entirely).

That said, I think I would easily be comfortable doing it in public, removing all prejudice. I just don't want to accept that, and that's been a big part of it for me over time.

The other issue is that I work for my cousin/ex-landlord (how's that for blurring home and work!) and he knows I do it. I also know he's VERY against it, and thinks it's something that can be cured with counseling. That, and he's said flat out if he ever saw me doing it, he'd fire me on the spot without hesitation. So that makes things tricky.

Everyone around me who knows (including my mother) has basically said it's something I need to figure out for me. And if the reality in my head is in fact that I want to do this full time, it scares me beyond words, and makes me anxious all at once.

[kimdl93]

Talk with your wife about 'doing it in another city' away from threatening cousin/bosses

[LaraPeterson]

Jane, I've only been around here for about a year, but I've read hundreds of stories just like yours. . .and mine. It sounds like the pluses in your situation are, 1) your wife knows and isn't completely turned off by it, 2) you have a pretty good support system lined up; i.e, your mom, 3) your thinking before you act. The negatives are the same for all of us, I think. . .some people just don't understand, are uninformed, or are just closed in their minds.

I made the mistake of doing a lot of stuff behind my wife's back and it has cost me dearly. Rebuilding is much harder than starting with fresh dirt. Having been out and about for years now (but almost never locally), I can tell you that after the first time or two it gets a lot easier. Kim made a very good suggestion to you; go somewhere away from where you live for your first time out. If you know some other CD's in cities close to you, you might hook up with them--there's always safety in numbers.

Whatever you do, move very slowly; it sounds like you have a lot going for you and you certainly don't want to mess it up.

[Jilmac]

As a person who has been married twice, told both beforehand, and still neither one accepted or approved, I can say progression will take many baby steps. Proceed with caution so you don't jeopardize your marriage. Assure your wife that you are still all the man she married but need to express the femininity you feel inside. She may feel uncomfortable with you dressing continuously at home but might be more willing to let you go on outings dressed. If she doesn't want to be involved in your outings, go alone or try to find a cd friend to be your girl buddy.

[Beverley Sims]

Just do it a little bit at a time over a long period so as you can gain some acceptance.
Read previous posts here about how others came out to their wives.

[Jill Devine]

Sounds like you have a good wife so don't blow it over a fantasy. Unless you are transsexual and need to change gender and live fulltime as a female (huge life changer!) then do not mess up a good marriage over this. You will regret it.

If you are truly a TS then it's different but what you described sounds like most of us - run of the mill hetero CD who wants some space to express and feel free. But don't destroy a good marriage in the process.