When is it okay to deceive your spouse?

[Nadine Spirit]

Never.

I am honestly shocked by the large number of you who are married and your spouse has no idea that you CD. It is reprehensible in my mind. There is absolutely no acceptable reason for that.

I understand that it is scary to expose ourselves, but it needs to be done. Before I ever got married I had to tell my wife of everything that I had ever done that I thought might bother someone. I needed to know that my spouse accepted me even with all of the horrible things I had done in my life. So I experienced sort of a confessional time period where I exposed myself to my future spouse. It was so freeing to have her really know who I am and still accept me. Cross dressing never was one of those things as I sort of discovered it while we were married and thus she found out along with me. But there were other things. Things I have never told anyone else, and never will, but I told her.

Isn't that supposed to be part of a marriage? Maybe its just my idea of marriage.

For all of you that have not told your spouse, if I were your spouse, I obviously would not care in the least about your cross dressing, but I would most likely divorce you because your deception. I believe that people can be educated about cross dressers and can come to understand and to love us. But if you have been proven to be a liar, how can you ever earn back someone's trust?

My advice? Face your fears and tell your SOs near the very beginning of your relationship. If they accept it great, and if not, then you know you need to try and find someone else that will accept you for who you really are. It is a myth that no one will accept a cross dresser. But I think no one should accept a deceitful spouse.

Okay rant over,thanks for listening

[NicoleScott]

It is reprehensible in my mind. There is absolutely no acceptable reason for that.

It is a myth that no one will accept a cross dresser.

Wow. You've been here a month and have it all figured out. It's easy for someone with an accepting wife to take your position. For those of who have been here for years, we have read about many good marriages ended by a CDing revelation. You can always blame the deceit, but you have no way of knowing that.

The way you worded your myth statement, you are correct, it is a myth that NO ONE will accept a crossdresser (although I've never heard that myth). But there are many women who absolutely will not be married to a crossdresser. Stick around here for a while, and you'll see. You are entitled to your own opinion, but not your own facts.
But thanks for the judgmental lecture.

[JennyLynn]

Nadine,
While I respect your opinion, I would hope you respect mine as well. I've been crossdressing for most all my life, but never consistently so. Just on and off. It's never been a major factor in my life and wasn't even thought of as an "issue" when we were dating or even when we got married, because I just wasn't doing it then. It was a non-factor. It comes and goes and now that it's here, I don't have a problem keeping it "my little thing" as it doesn't consume me and it's rare when I do. We are all different and we can't lump all of us into one big box of "crossdressers".

Just my rant
Jenny

[Kate Simmons]

You won't find a lot of folks who will meet your criteria Nadine, either willingly or unwillingly. CDing can be confusing enough but we don't need more burdens to be added. Let's try to understand it first and then determine ourselves if it is indeed right or wrong. The best thing is to make it work for us and enjoy it as far as I'm concerned.

[Gerrijerry]

One person who seems to know what is correct for everyone else. So opened and understanding of others.

[Julie York]

It is a matter of preservation. Not just self, but family and/or your most important relationship.
As a person of ANY gender you want to protect yourself, and your family, and partner/spouse. So you assess what is a risk to the things you hold dear and avoid doing things that will put your relationship/family at risk.

So you don't do something really dumb like telling people you crossdress.

[reb.femme]

NicoleScott answered for me.

Everyone has an opinion and is entitled to it but, to judge someone without being in total command of 'their' facts is a touch over the top.

Rebecca

[Jill Devine]

Just before I got engaged I told my soon to be fiancé about my CD side. I wasn't going to live a life hiding and sneaking. She was ok with it. Never got married - relationship broke down for other reasons (I was just a jerk at that stage). Then met my now wife. Again decided to reveal all far before getting married. Been together 20 years now.

I understand that if you are already married and hiding then you really do have a challenge. I won't judge.
But my strong advice is to the singles: don't get married without having "the talk."

[danielle swenson]

SO I have my asbestos draws on....
Nadine is making this statement about those who are considering getting married. I think you just have to read the subject line here cause I know it is correct and have proven it true in my life experience. The crazy thing is, it works in every facet of life {not being deceitful ie lying} from professional to private. But everyone is different and they don't have to, or are expected to live their life to this standard. I do believe it is a must have attribute if you are in politics tho,

When is it okay to deceive your spouse?

Never

I whole hardheartedly agree with Nadines statement. But hey who was that guy in the states who said "If you Like your Insurance plan ,you can keep your insurance plan" I didn't vote for him, but hes not the guy I'm gonna get married to either! I and the other modern day classic "I did not have sexual relations with that woman"

[Stephanie Miller]

One should be cautious and carry a parachute when so high on a pedestal.
Nadine.. Keep in mind not all people had the same ability or timeline you had. Others, such as myself, did not realize and/or accept this part of who we were in order to be able to inform others - before life had been well under way. At that point some had others, besides the two of them, to think about that would be terribly damaged.
Keep walking in your own heels, because to walk in someone else may not be as easy.

[JennyLynn]

Lol danielle. Be careful to not stray off topic...especially when it gets to politics! Funny post though!

[Nadine Spirit]

Obviously I touched a nerve with some of you huh? Honestly, I knew it would, how can it not?

You all are free to make your own judgement calls of what is right and wrong, I just think that to not be honest with your spouse you are belittling them and robbing yourself.

By many of your responses, if someone is having an affair, they shouldn't tell their spouse, because their spouse might not understand? Because it might destroy the marriage? Hmm... Interesting, I wonder if there are chat boards for adulterers? Do you suppose they espouse the same behaviors?

Oh and also, I understand that my version of honesty with a spouse is extreme. I just think that before two folks get married, they should know everything there is to know about each other so that they can make an informed decision about whether to get married or not. If you don't want kids, talk about that before you get married. If you hate Christmas, talk about it. If you love talking to your friends for 5 hours a day, talk about it. If you think your mommy comes before your wife, talk about it. If you think twinkies are a must at every meal, talk about it.

What is it about our society that says, be afraid, be very afraid, don't tell anyone anything, because you know what, they might not like you!!!

Oh and lastly, no I don't have everything in the world figured out, I just think that the way that most folks go about marriage is pretty weird.

[Eryn]

Nadine, There are situations where you might not want your spouse fully informed about something. Note that I am not saying that you should lie to her, but neither should you be required to tell her every little detail of your past, present or potential future life.

In my case, I really had no idea of what I was. Despite the information revolution I had managed to deny my CDing tendencies, even to myself. I didn't discuss them with my wife because I considered them perverse and shameful and thought that she would too. Finally, I had enough information to come to grips with myself and that was when I discussed it with my wife.

[Annaliese]

You are right and I agree with you, if this was a perfect world, it should be black and white, its not, and its gray, all shades of colors. I praise you for being able to be so honest with you wife. Some of us are not that strong, we are weak, we do try to do the right thing. My wife know, I did not tell her she found out 12 years ago and you are right it would have been much better If I had been a man and told her when I knew, that is the problem it starts out slow we think we can control it, we find out that it control us then we are so up side down we don't know what way to turn. I do like your post and it is good advice to the new girls that are dating life will be easier if you start out with Honestly even if you are not sure what it is or what it will turn into. Thank you some time tough love is need.

[reb.femme]

............. Nadine is making this statement about those who are considering getting married................

Those asbestos draws will not work Danielle. It's gonna be a fire storm.

Nadine clearly states, "I am honestly shocked by the large number of you who are married and your spouse has no idea that you CD. It is reprehensible in my mind. There is absolutely no acceptable reason for that." Clearly aimed at those already married.

Semantics aside, my point is purely not to pass judgment on how others run their lives unless they ask for it. Then it's open house......sort of.

Rebecca

[JennyLynn]

Nadine,
I love you, truly I do. I totally understand what you are saying, but ... the big BUT... it's not always that simple. Some of us just dress occasionally and in private, some of us have a need to be feminine all the time.. some of us don't have sexual relations with our spouse, but truly love our spouses... we are all different in so many ways. I get what you're saying. In a black and white world where all is as it should be, you are truly right. But we live in a confused and conflicted world and there are are so many variables. Crossdressing is not always sexual and "cheating". It's sometimes, and most times, a private expression of who we are that we are not willing or able to express to our spouses. I love my wife, but I will not open up to her because I wouldn't ever want to lose her. Is that not the total expression of love? The fact that I will hide my other self for the fear of losing the one I love? I'm willing to deny myself what I want to keep the one I love.

I hope this makes sense.
Jenny

[darla_g]

My wife has always known about my dressing, but what i probably had hidden from her was the extent that I did it. I have become more honest with her and have shared everything and i would say both my happiness when dressing and my relationship with my wife has improved considerably.

In some people's relationships the fact that they are hiding some intimate detail about their life and not letting their spouse in is far more damaging that the actual CDing. Thats why whenever i hear of someone saying they are getting divorced it seems like there is a lot more at stake than just the dressing.

I understand that i am among the totally lucky that have a very supportive spouse. She buys me things, thinks about when i might get an opportunity to dress with her and understands how it is part of my personality. I also prescribe to the theory that there is a flip side to this too. There are times she wants and needs a guy in her life and know when my dressing must recede to the background. Hopefully i have this in balance and i have always tell me if she thinks i have this out of whack.

[Gillian Gigs]

I am going to update an old native proverb. "Never judge a CD'er until you have walked a mile in their heels"! Ideally it would be nice to hear that everyone had told their wives about their "hobby". It would be even nicer to hear that everyone had a loving and accepting wife too. Now that we have come back from Never neverland where the boys wore tights and played all day, this is not a perfect world. Some have too much at stake to risk coming out of the closet. We all make mistakes, and one of the big ones was not telling her before the marriage vows. Now we have to live with what we got, and accept the consequences!

[Lacyfem]

Touched a nerve? You are one of those that knows all scenarios and it seems you're right all the time. I'm totally with Nicole here and am glad to see the number of gurls here that believe what Nicole is saying. I'm in contact with a gurl here right now trying to console her because her marriage is on the rocks in that she decided to tell her the truth about his dressing. After a long wonderful marriage she won't even talk to him, he lives away from her and it's looking like the marriage is over. I love the way you put it as you look down on those that chose not to take the huge chance of ruining their marriage by coming out to their SO. Tired of gurls like you passing judgement on gurls that don' want to come out to their SO.

[AngieStone]

Not only am I a crossdresser that is having a hard time coming to grips with this myself, but now I am on the same level as an adulterer. Why stop there lets compare us to murders and the such. Everyone has a different story and to put everyone into one category is wrong. You do not know what everyone is going through and you should not assume your is the right answer for everyone. My crossdressing was dormant for over twenty years before it hit me again, well into my marriage. And what I felt before my marriage I did not understand myself. Why through 30 years away because of what is going on now. Family, friends, job is a lot to give up. It is easy to judge if it work for you, but harder if you are still working on it.

[Brynna M]

Nadine,

Try this on for size. Literally one of the last things my late grandmother ever said to me was about my fiance. "don't marry that crazy girl and her crazy family." I've never told her that and I never will. Not knowing doesn't hurt her and the only thing that knowing would do is hurt her.

Is it a direct analog to crossdressing? I don't know. I do believe that its a great example of something that no good will come from sharing. Maybe life's not so simple. Maybe some things are meant for some of us to experience/live/carry alone. I'm glad you found a path that works for you.

[JennyLynn]

I think this is a time for thoughtful discussion and not sniping. Nadine had a point that I , and some others here, disagree with. That's okay and good for debate. I think she was being honest and from the heart, and we should be the same without being hateful. It's a good time to discuss and not be like our stupid politicians that just want to slam each other. We are better and more sensitive than than that.

[Steph_CD_62]

I have never deceived my current wife about my dressing. The first day I started talking to her I told her that I had a "thing" for lingerie. A couple days later I sat her down and told her about my dressing. I didn't want to hide anything from her. I knew if our relationship had a chance to develop, I had to be honest. I knew who I was and I knew she had every right to know about my dressing.

[Bria]

If we think of Nadine's post as setting a goal or as a "gold standard" to which we might all strive, maybe there is more agreement. All of us being human, are not capable of prefection,however I think is is imperitive that there be goals that we try to attain, the more that we expect of ourselves, the closer we will come to those goals. This not just confined to what we discuss on this forum, but in walks of our lives. So I thank Nadine for bringing this goal forcefully to our attention.

My wife knows that I dress, but maybe I haven't told her every thing that I hope to do in the future, like go out of the house, so I should pay attention to this goal of complete honesty with The SO.

Hugs, Bria

[Pandys]

I knew who I was.

I guess that makes a difference for many.