Am I closed minded or do I just project it onto people?

[JennyLynn]

Since I live in upstate NY, in a rural area, I always think that it's a near impossibility to go out in public and be "accepted" . I have a really good redneck friend that is so quick with a gay joke, who recently told me about his neighbor who is gay and lives with his "friend". He surprised me by saying "He's a great hunter and even though he's a homo, he's cool". It blew me away. I always thought my friends up here were so prejudiced and hostile towards those they see as sexually odd. They really aren't, but it's my prejudice.
Does anyone else think that maybe we project our own expected prejudices onto others? Maybe in order to make sense of the world and put people into boxes we can understand? Sometimes I wish I lived in an area that was more accepting, but maybe I do and just don't see it. Maybe I'm the bigot.

[Wildaboutheels]

It was POGO who once said "We have met the enemy and they is us".

That statement [IMO] would make a great motto for this site.

A CDers biggest "enemy" - his "real" enemy - is as close as the nearest mirror.

[Jaylyn]

Hey you can always move to West Texas buy a farm or ranch and no one will care how you dress unless you go into town.... Really I do think sometimes the Bible Belt as they call it is more accepting than some I've run into of people. Now with that said they may preach to ya and try to change ya but I really feel it is safer somehow. Take the larger cities in a Texas they don't bat an eye at how one is dressed if you drive a big truck and wear your boots no matter how long the heel is. I rode some broncs in my day and believe that my cowboy boot heel is as long as my medium sized heels.... Who would have thought that.... And really my chaps I wear some times riding in the south Texas brush kinda reminds me of a skirt with leggings.

[JennyLynn]

OMG... I want to sell this place in NY and move to Texas so bad, I could spit nickels! I've been begging my wife... Texas or Tennessee.. she won't budge!

Jenny

[AllieSF]

Thanks for the refreshing point of view, especially when looking at yourself. There are a lot of things that go into someone's comments about being afraid to go out, come out, or just be oneself. You have the reality of location, conservative or not, local culture, size, one's dependency and true involvement with the locals and local community, job and size of the employer and their treatment or lack of treatment to their diverse employees, one's dependency on a specific employer for, duh, employment and that paycheck and those benefits, including insurance, one's own confidence, age, previous experiences in the greater world environs, and so many other things.

I totally understand and respect one's personal circumstances that may permit or prohibit their ability to be themselves at home or on the outside. If one wants to go out but can't, I get it. However, if one wants to go out but makes up excuses using reasons that are really not applicable to their situation, then your view point may help them realize that they may have more freedom and less worries than they originally thought. Thus, encouraging them to give it a try.

I understand the "redneck", "bible belt", "ultra-conservative" geographical references and concerns that get posted here on a regular basis. Then in a totally separate thread I read about the successful going out experiences from those very same locales. So, why does it work for one and not the other? I think that is where a site like this with its success stories, your questioning thread, and comments by others can help the "want to go out crowd" to build up their needed confidence or provide them with an on line network where they may be able to find a member here who is local to them to help them take those first steps out of the door.

I am fortunate to be living in one of the most liberal and diverse parts of this country. I have been going out for close to 7 years, or more, I have never had a truly negative experience, and my confidence was there before I ever took that first step out of my door. Now, I have communicated with several other local ladies who still fear those first steps for all their internal reasons, justified to them but not so much to me, when I can actually say that based on a lot of personal experience. I never criticize them for their reasons. I just offer to help if I can, and if not, I wish them luck.

So, in summary, locality, culture and situation can and do play into the equation for going out. However, when those reasons become less valid, then there is that need for more personal confidence, courage and a little bit of risk taking attitude to make those first steps into the real world. Some have it or can get it, while others can not.

[Di]

People might surprise you. We live in a small Village here and pretty much everyone just goes on their own way.

[mary something]

it is very easy to project our fears onto other people. If you just act normal and nice things work out fine. People perceive you feeling uncomfortable as being weird.

[JennyLynn]

Very good point, Mary. It's hard to act "normal" when your own prejudices tell you "you are not"" normal. It's how we see ourselves sometimes.

[franlee]

I think you have a vey valid point. I not only see it in others but from time to time see it in my own life. The way you react or present your own persona is just by nature going to cause a reaction from others and sometimes is easily misenterpeted or what we presume, instead of what is their own true responce and feelings.

[Rachael Leigh]

Jenny as a Texas conservative girl here I know what you mean so yeah confidence in who you are and even if you don't look stunning can be a big deal. It is for me. I live in the Dallas Ft Worth area and you would think a place like this would be open, it may be but I don't feel I could go just anywhere if I finally go out totally en fem.
I have so many things to think about myself if I did, I worship at a local church and do fear running into someone from there or worse yet my parents live in the area. So I really understand this issue as many do

[kimdl93]

It's not an unreasonable assumption. We assume that rednecks will be less tolerant and I suspect that on average, our assumptions would be correct. But each of us has unique life experiences and some people, even if they may disapprove on principle also adhere to a live and let live approach.

[skirtsuit]

Ithaca?
used to be full of freaks and alternate types.

[LaraPeterson]

Jenny, you are not a bigot and yes, most of them still are closed-minded. But they'll never open up to us until and unless we get out there and mix life up with them right in front of us. The risk and reward thing sure is hard, though, isn't it?

[Beverley Sims]

Some people have jokes about poofs, gays and people like us but they are not overtly redneck.

[mary something]

Very good point, Mary. It's hard to act "normal" when your own prejudices tell you "you are not"" normal. It's how we see ourselves sometimes.

Yes we very much tell people how to treat us, once we realize this it is powerful stuff

[Zylia]

Saying "He's a great hunter and even though he's a homo, he's cool" might not be hostile, but it's still pretty prejudiced in my book

[Megan70]

I have my own hang up of being closed minded... and I shouldn't. The only sexually oriented people I cannot stand to look at or see how they act are 'effeminate men' usually always gay. You know the sash-shaying limp wristed lisping guys who tries to act feminine but isn't. Now I don't understand my bigotry at all on this. I am not at all turned off or unaccepting of us, CDs; TV's; pre-op or post op TS( mtf , f2m,) TG, or gay people at all. One of my best friends is gay but is an average masculine appearing guy who charades as my 'date' or 'husband' (with my wifes blessing.. who's her friend too) when we go out to a philharmonic concert at dressed up nice to our concert hall 20 times a year.

So I don't know where this hang up is, but if a guy is going to act effeminate I don't care if he's gay, just put on a dress, a wig, makeup and do it right... IMHO. Can't wait to hear replies on this one.

[LadyInRed]

Based on personal experiences, that little devil that whispers in your ear and feeds the doubt furnace, we tend to be our worst enemy.
However that isn't saying that the fears aren't founded, a quote I live by comes to mind:

A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it.

[Carroll]

Ithaca?
used to be full of freaks and alternate types.

I have lived in the Ithaca area almost all my life and it's still full of freaks and alternate types.

[sometimes_miss]

A CDers biggest "enemy" - his "real" enemy - is as close as the nearest mirror.

While I will agree that we, getting trapped into the endless decision making process about who we are and what we want to be, can cause a lot of inner turmoil, lets not forget that the 'we have nothing to fear but fear itself' line is totally bullsh!t. I know, in the quest to believe that we are just perfectly normal and accepted by everyone, it's easy to forget about the terrible experiences that others have written about in this very forum. Divorces, lost girlfriends, lost friends and relatives, losing our jobs, Cd's getting beaten and/or killed, it all still happens on a pretty regular basis somewhere in the world, and just because it isn't in the local newspaper, doesn't mean it can't happen in our own towns. Because, just because it SEEMS that all the people around you are tolerant, doesn't necessarily mean that they are. After all, when rabid sports fans get into fights about which sports team is better, would it really surprise you that they might also be offended by which gender you choose to display?

WE are not the enemy, not to ourselves, and not to each other. There are plenty of nuts out there that would just as soon see us dead. Don't assume that 'if they only got to know me, that they'd like me'. Nope. For a good number of people out there, if they got to know you, they'd want to kill you. And, it only takes ONE of them.

Stay safe. Watch your back......carefully.

And for Jennylyn; Sure, you 'might' be in an accepting community. Do you want to bet your life on the unknown beliefs of the rest of the town?

[linda allen]

Using the term "homo" to describe a gay person is pretty much like using the word "ni**er" to describe a black person. It's inappropriate and bigoted.

Using the term "redneck" to describe a bigoted person is unfair. Not all rednecks are bigoted, just as not all crossdressers are gay.

[audreyinalbany]

it does sometimes seem as though some people who are prejudiced have a tendency to project that dislike on the group but create exceptions for individuals; you know, like, "all queers are bad…..except the ones I know, they're okay."

[Tina_gm]

Sometimes, people who will use slang and slurs may not really be all that hateful. Sure, prejudiced to a point (who isn't at some point about something) Some of it may just be the ignorance because they have never been around people like us, or have had any gay friends or co workers. Sometimes the "knowledge" that is out there, and fairly available, still needs personal experience. Birds of a feather... but at the same time, Not all who disagree with it or have whatever prejudices they do spend a whole lot of time hating on it either. Sounds to me that your redneck friend is someone like that.