About a year ago I showed up here trying to make sense out of this lifestyle that has caused me more distress in life than can be put into words. Two months after reading countless posts, I allowed myself to be "discovered" by my wife. If you've read that post, you already know it didn't go well. After being on the shelf for several months, my feminine alter ego showed up again last October. Since then, life has only gotten more puzzling. Here's why.
During the holidays each year, my wife and I take separate, short vacations apart to see various members of our respective families that we would never be able to see traveling together. And frankly, some of them (on each side) neither of us want to see anyway--but that's fodder for another time.
This year is no different except for one thing. As soon as we started making plans, she asked me if Lara was going show up while we are apart. For me, being honest with my spouse has never been even a little difficult except in this one area. Trying to get past that, I simply said. "Yes." And so she figured.
Here is where things got dicey. While she abhors my feminine persona and has had no desire to talk about, share in, or in anyway be part of it, she told me she would like to see me all dressed up just one time to try and make sense out of my craziness. I was floored. I was also scared to death. There must be an ulterior motive here. Maybe she would have a hidden camera to get evidence; maybe she would just shoot me standing in my heels.
Normally, when I take the time to get dressed, I spend about 30 minutes doing makeup and the whole time I'm more than a little excited. On this occasion, it took me an hour because i was terrified. It was kind of like showing up to do orals for a doctoral degree. Was everything in place? How would I be received? Would this just make matters worse?
Well, I put on my best, simplest, blackest outfit. I didn't try to be overly conservative nor whorish. I thought a dressy black dress, black hose and heels and smoky eyes would be a good representation of this gal I've come to be.
When I hobbled into the den, her immediate response was a faint smile followed by tears. She didn't sob, there were just a few drops running down her cheek. I had on idea what that meant until she spoke. "You look beautiful," she said. I didn't know how to respond. It was even hard to squeak out "Thank you."
After a couple of twirls, she stood up, walked over to my side, took me by the hand and told me she was never going to understand why I do this but she finally sees that just like everything else I do in life, I give it my best.
We didn't have a conversation, there was no shouting or accusations, just some relief--at least on my part. So there you have it. If this much change happens in the next year, it's hard to even imagine where I'll be on this journey. Thanks to all of you who have encouraged me. I'm grateful.
