She knows...

[MsJordan]

The only secret I've ever kept from my spouse is now out in the open. She found out through a series of text messages from a cd friend of mine and thought I was having an affair. At that moment, the hardest conversation I've ever had took place. I began to come forward and tell her about my dressing and how it all began. She was relieved that it wasn't another woman. She forgives me but she said we're gonna have to work on rebuilding trust because I've know all this time and didn't share these intimate details with her. I'm still trying to figure out some things but I assured her that I don't want to be a woman, I don't want to be with another woman, and that I simply enjoy wearing women's clothes. We had another talk last night and although it's hard for her to wrap her brain around why her husband wants to wear women's clothes, at least she is listening to me and wants to truly work through this. I feel like a ton has been removed from my shoulders, mind, and heart. The question I have is how many of you have ever met with a therapist and does it help? That's one of the things I'm considering. Any help from those who have been in similar situations would be great.

[MsRenee]

It helps to get everything out in the open.
We saw one for a few sessions and it helped her with the thoughts of me not being gay as most dressers are straight and still the person that she fell in live with.
Wishing you luck on this journey and ifs nice to know that you both are communicating.
Hugs to both.
Renee

[PaulaQ]

The question I have is how many of you have ever met with a therapist and does it help?

Yes. An individual therapist can help you understand your gender identity better, and gain acceptance of this part of yourself.
A couple's therapist can help you and your wife recover from the shock of discovery, and help her understand this part of you, and to deal with questions this raises about her own identity. (Believe me, there will be some.)

In either case, though, you want a therapist who understands gender issues. Most therapists don't, so ask first.

[CarlaWestin]

The work has just started. Don't think for a second that everything will be OK from this point on. Please keep in mind that although you've had a life time to accept this side of yourself, she's just found out. And, frankly, this completely changes the way she see's you, forever. My personal situation is DADT for about two years now. Full acceptance just ain't happenin' no matter what I think. And, seriously, avoid the pink fog thing.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Take it slow. Tell the truth. Be considerate of her feelings, but also begin to state what you want. Did you want her to know just to be open, or do you want her to participate. Explain to her why it was important to you to tell her. Control the CD and your marriage can work. Good luck!

[Maria 60]

When I told my wife I asked her if it would be a good idea if maybe we should get some professional help to maybe get some understanding. She is not a strong believer of therapist or depression and I found talking to each other was the biggest help. Telling her my past and my true feelings of why I wanted to dress and the true power of it, and not in so many words but if she didn't except it we were better off getting separated because it is part of me and it wasn't going to just leave. After telling her everything from the first time wearing my sisters and moms cloths up to that same morning that I put on her pantyhose and that I had no intention of becoming a women and that keeping it in the closet for me would be fine, and that she was the only person I ever told and I hoped it would remain that way. She told me sounds like I wasn't harming anyone and that I should have told her sooner and that there was nothing wrong with me and not to look into it or try to figure it out and just enjoy it. She then told me she didn't want me to wear her things because I am a little bigger then her and I would stretch her stuff and then asked me if I wanted to go cloth shopping with her to buy some cloth for her new girlfriend. That day I realized where I stood, that I wasn't mental or always believing that something was wrong with me and the guilt, for the first time in my life I felt good, and our relationship grew stronger from there she loves that her husband comes cloth shopping with her, its almost like having the best of both worlds. Twenty seven years later and not all easy times, she still tells me to enjoy the gift that I was blessed with and that we have a close relationship because of the dressing, so to me the best therapy was my wife and just being honest and communicating with her and maybe you should consider the same thing and if that doesn't work maybe then look into a therapist. Good luck with it and I hope it will find a way to work itself out and keep us updated so we can see how it's going for you.

[kimdl93]

You'll get all kinds of answers to your question. Mine is that you get from therapy in proportion to what you put into it. It's not just an hour of talk. Hopefully you will be given some exercises and readings,to help you sort through your thoughts and practice effective ways to guide your decision making. I found therapy to be a genuinely life changing experince.

[Stephanie47]

I found the biggest issue of cross dressing is acceptance of self. When my wife and I realized my interest in wearing women's clothing was more than fetish sex play in the bedroom everything changed. I struggled with the issue. Why was I like this? I thought something must have compelled me to cross dress. Well, I am not about to scale the highest mountain in Tibet looking for a guru to fill in that void. I do not know why I like to wear women's clothing on occasion. I stopped trying to find the answer when I realized there is nothing really wrong with me. And, there is not really wrong with my wife for not appreciating that side of me. She realizes it has nothing to do with her femininity. It has nothing to do with transitioning to a woman. Her man just likes to wear a dress.

Now, the issues that arise is trying to somehow encourage, force or otherwise get the wife to participate. I realized a long time ago my trying to get my wife to buy panties for me was a self validation/acceptance for myself, not her.

The bottom line on therapy is whether or not something needs to be corrected. Is there something wrong? Is there a hurdle either one of you needs to get over? If you can work it out between yourselves, then I would not recommend therapy. If your wife realizes you are really the same person with a previously undisclosed quirk. she should get over your revelation. Just do not expect her to accept or participate. And, do establish boundaries. And, do not unilaterally change boundaries. Negotiate. That's what marriage is about anyway.

If your wife does not understand your cross dressing behavior and needs professional reassurance that there is nothing "wrong" with you, then therapy may be in order.

Frankly, I really hate that word of "trust" needing to be reestablished. When a woman says she wishes the man had come clean prior to marriage, to me that means she wishes she had a little bit more information so she could decide whether or not to drop you like a hot potato. Heck, in my marriage my wife complains that I did not tell her I enjoy watching baseball. Cross dressing is no longer an issue, baseball is the issue of "trust." Go figure!

[Sandra]

Take things slow with her, answer all her questions honestly don't give her answers that you think she wants to hear, if you can't give an honest answer then tell her so.

I feel like a ton has been removed from my shoulders, mind, and heart.

I can understand this, but one thing that you have to be careful is not to put all of this onto her. A lot of GGs that are told or find out end up feeling like the weight is on their shoulders, like it has transferred from the hubby to the wife. You could also suggest that she joins here and joins FAB.

[Di]

Like Sandra has said BE HONESt. There are some stickys in the loved ones section that might help you understand how she is feeling. And by all means let her know about FAB.....where she can talk freely to other wives. Best Wishes.

[Beverley Sims]

Jordan,
take heed o all the advice you have received here, sandra has given good advice, read her post carefully ,Kim has given good advice on the therapist issue, I only add that a therapist can act as a good mediator, it is not a five minute fix.

[Requal Jo]

I concur with all of the above Jordan. Take it slow. My wife remains sceptical and apprehensive about my CDing, however through discussions and minor changes slowly over time she is becoming more accepting.

[Valarie]

Open communication is the best, and it seems that you wife is open to hear what you have to say. I do go to therapy, but we do not go as a couple. For some I think it would be necessary, that is something that you two have to discuss. I know how you feel about feeling like a ton has been removed from your shoulders, it feels great, now is the time to communicate and build that trust up again.

[Tiffanyselkoe]

Hi Jordon! I began seeing a counselor for depression and much of the root of my problem was accepting myself as a crossdresser. I told my wife about Tiffany after about 10 months of counseling and she told me, like your own wife, she thought I was having an affair. I have come a long way in the self acceptance department and my wife has been there to support my male and female selves all along the way. She told me it is better to be told of crossdressing than to find out by accident and wishes I had come clean years ago. While there are trust issues to rebuild, you will find that, with this weight off your shoulders, communication will improve dramatically and you can give yourself to your wife 100 percent instead of hiding a big part of yourself from her. I've found communication is the key to a happy marriage whether you wear a dress or a suit. I wish you the best. Hugs, Tiffany

[AnntoAnn]

My wife and I have never had professional help and probably never will. We seemed to have worked everything out between us. She has excepted my cross-dressing and is supportive, however we have set boundaries. I don't push my luck and when she says she does not want Ann today, then Ann does not appear. I think I'm good at spotting when she has had enough or not in the mood, even when I am desperate to dress. Take the other week when we went to the pictures, when I came down stairs in guy mode she said she thought Ann was coming! I did not have time to change but said next time Ann must come.

[UNDERDRESSER]

The work has just started. Don't think for a second that everything will be OK from this point on. Please keep in mind that although you've had a life time to accept this side of yourself, she's just found out. And, frankly, this completely changes the way she see's you, forever. My personal situation is DADT for about two years now. Full acceptance just ain't happenin' no matter what I think. And, seriously, avoid the pink fog thing.

Definitely agree that this is just the beginning, does sound like your wife has got her head pretty straight about it though. It also sounds like you, don't have all this worked out in your own head yet either. You will both need to work on that. Depending on the level of trust, communication, and your joint understanding of the issues, a therapist might help. But only if as one of the others said, they know about, and understand gender issues, and don't have any religious or other hang-ups. If they do have such hang-ups, they can be a disaster.

[sara70morgan]

I was in a relationship for about 13 years. She also was about 12 years older than me. After some close calls, including her finding some of her lingerie at my house about 11 years earlier and me telling her that she must have left it there, she then caught me dressing about 10 years later. Well, since she had a little boy and we shared the same house, it took about 6 months of some tense times before she got out of the relationship and she did it pretty fast at the end. I am not sure when you should come clean, or whether it is better to be found out at a later time. It seems the best chances are to find someone that knows about it from the beginning who then has a choice to stay or go, before they feel stuck in the situation. Either way, it is very hard for the person who did not know, and the person who is dying to let her know. Just my take anyway.
Sara

[Luciana Vitale]

hello friend, wish you the best

[PaulaQ]

Some other stuff to think about, and be aware of MsJordan:
Your secret is now hers - she has to decide whether or not she wants to keep such a secret. Perhaps she will feel shame or guilt over this.

Your gender identity will make her question her own. If you are presenting as "female" sometimes, what's her role in the marriage. It's no longer a pleasantly binary "man" / "woman" situation. (Nevermind that it probably never was to begin with, in most people's minds, that's how they view it.) Indeed, it's a whole lot messier situation.

Your gender identity will likely make her question her sexual orientation. If she's repulsed by you en femme, well, she'll feel awful about that in all probability. If she's attracted to you en femme at all, what does that say about her sexuality? Is she a lesbian? These are all things that will likely run through her mind.

She may well have a hard time understanding your sexual orientation - there are no gender variant straight people - just ask anybody. Only gays and lesbians are gender variant right? (Well, we all here know that is totally false, but most straight people have no framework to consider these matters.)

She may well worry, despite your reassurances, that you'll transition. I think even the most understanding and accepting GG's fear this from time to time.

[Rachael Leigh]

From my recent experience with being honest with my spouse it's not always roses. Mine has known about my dressing for a long time and I told her recently that I've finally decided I accept this as a part of me.
She's never been accepting of my dressing and I'm sure hoped I would just stop, so this didn't go over well.
I told her as much as I've lied to her about buying more clothes I just wanted to be honest with her about how I felt.
So anyway this being open is never easy and I'm just not sure where we go from here.
Jordon I wish you the best and my advice is expect some very rough going this part of ourselves is just not easy for anyone.
I really don't understand those women who accept this in their husbands they really are special and are rare.

[MissTee]

Our CD universe is filled with a myriad of possible partner responses ranging from full out disgust to full on acceptance. No one can say for certain where you will land. I am among the very lucky in that my wife accepts, supports, and enjoys the benefits of a spouse who can be both masculine and feminine. As for counseling, I've never heard of a legitimate counselor who can "fix" the CD wiring we come with. If you need help accepting yourself it may help. Good luck with it all and keep us posted.

[Sarah Beth]

What Kim said in her response above it exactly right. You get out of therapy what you put into it.

Your story sounds very similart to mine when my wife found out. I wish at that time we had gone to see someone because it took a long time for her to convinced that I didn't want to be a woman or be with someone else. It also took her a long time to wrap her head around the fact that I wasn't doing it as a sexual thrill. Not saying that wasn't at times a part of it but it wasn't the main thing.

As so many have said take it slow and keep communicating.

[MsJordan]

Thank you all so much for the wonderful advice. I'm still on the fence about talking to a counselor/therapist and have done my research the last 3 days. Luckily I've found 3 that are well versed in these issues, so I will keep you all posted about that. One of the questions I do have is now that she knows, I now feel like talking about it more often but don't feel like that's the right approach to continue to inundate her with information as it relates to my dressing. Am I doing the right thing? I don't want it to be something that gets swept under the rug. I did tell her that i want things out in the open because I want to regain her trust. She doesn't understand why I would want to dress at home and not go out. As many of your replied to my previous post, there were still a lot of "I don't know" answers on my behalf. I have assured her that I am a man who enjoys wearing women's clothes and how it makes me feel. She doesn't understand how the urges come and go like they do. I'm doing a lot of reading online but I do feel like a counselor may help me understand a little more about me so I can help her understand also.

[Di]

Alot of new GGs tell us that once they know the hubby talks non stop about it. There is an on going thread in loved ones right now from a new GG about just this.
I would ask her what
she is comfortable with.
Also....alot of GGs what to know why....some things there just are not answers for.

[Launa]

She doesn't understand why I would want to dress at home and not go out.

Be careful making statements like this because you might change your mind and decide that it would be nice to go out of the house one day. It can and does happen to many of us.

Everything else you can be sure of though such as not wanting to transition etc...