She knows...

[Wildaboutheels]

I have to run and don't have time to check on the other responses till later so maybe someone already mentioned it?

I imagine your wife is of a similar age as yourself? Before you cough up good money for a therapist, try this. Google Dear Abby or Ann Landers and do some type of search for men CDing. More likely something like "men wearing women's clothes". I believe they were sisters and "reliable" sources of info for 10 or 20 years, maybe longer when newspapers were still king. Your wife's concern was a VERY common one that ladies wrote in about and this was longggggg before easy ordering off the internet. Along with the anonymity factor.

Even back then, CDing was obviously a very common thing. Today with the internet and all that it allows, it's very easy to see [for anyone with an open mind] that CDing MtFs is likely several times higher than the incidence of gay people.

CDing IS a part time deal for the vast majority of MtF CDers. In fact, a "hobby" for most.

[Jenniferathome]

... One of the questions I do have is now that she knows, I now feel like talking about it more often but don't feel like that's the right approach to continue to inundate her with information as it relates to my dressing. Am I doing the right thing? ...

She may "know" about your cross dressing but she certainly does not understand it. You need to answer any question she has honestly and also ask her if she has questions. The latter is important because she may not be able to articulate the question. You will not have every answer, like "Why?" but you have to try to answer. She needs to know she can ask anything, anytime.

When I came out to my wife, she did some research, asked some basic questions and then over a few months, she poked at the issue. In the end, the only question she really had was "Why?" but fully understood that I do not know and nor does science.

[mary something]

She forgives me but she said we're gonna have to work on rebuilding trust because I've know all this time and didn't share these intimate details with her.

That is only normal so don't let it scare you. See this as an opportunity to create an even better relationship for both of you if you can. Everyone is paying close attention to each other right now, and she is ready to learn more about you but she needs to know that you love her and that she can trust it.

We had another talk last night and although it's hard for her to wrap her brain around why her husband wants to wear women's clothes, at least she is listening to me and wants to truly work through this.

That is great MsJordan! Many times women have a hard time understanding this because their perspective on it is so different. Keep reassuring her that you love her and that you are attracted to her so that this is a positive experience for her in some ways, that is something you can do to help her. This is something that can bring you guys closer possibly, a lot of how it goes will probably have to do with the emotions she is feeling while going through this.

I think going to a therapist is a good idea! If your wife is supportive of you doing this you should thank her for the support. She is seeing you with a slightly different perspective now, so encourage her when you feel she is trying.

You don't have to explain why you like things sometimes, and sometimes thinking about stuff too much just cloudy's up the water even more. Most importantly like another poster mentioned see this as a beginning not as a door closing. How you handle yourself in the next 3-6 months will have a big influence on how this goes. Be positive and loving towards her and she will feel loved.

At some point she might want to know why you held this from her, for now it sounds like she is asking questions based out of fear, like are you gay or do you want to live as a woman. That's ok, don't let her fear spread to you though and emotions are contagious so you'll have to keep your guard up about it. It might help to start thinking about this now, so that when you are ready to discuss this in the future you can speak from the heart.

Sorry for the length of this post but you are at an opportunity that doesn't present itself that often, make the most of it sweety!

[Being Paige]

I went to a therapist for a while after my wife found out just to make some pease, it was all about trying to find the root of it and how to fix me blah,blah. I remember saying that I wasn't into it and that there was nothing to fix so I never went back. I don't beleive that the therapist was there too help me be who I am!

[rocketscientist]

First of all, I will say that I have no experience to draw from in this matter. I have, however, studied the issue here and elsewhere for awhile now. Here's my $.02. As far as therapists go, make sure you find one qualified and experienced with gender related issues. Avoid "faith based" couseling at ALL costs. Any so called therapist that would try to "fix" you will be of no use. You are not broken! You don't need to be fixed. As to the issues of why you cd, ask your wife "Are you right handed or left handed?". When she replies either way, ask her why. Tell her it's like that. As has been said already, sometimes there are no answers. The best I have come up with is that it is something we are hardwired with and is not going away. When she asks why you didn't share this with her earlier, tell her that it's hard to explain something to someone else that you can't explain to yourself. I stopped trying to do that awhile back, now I try to enjoy the best parts of my femme self every chance I get. Do take it slow Jordan. Don't overload her with information all at once. Like anything, it takes time to process what is taken in. You must be honest with her and yourself along the way. Only you can determine where you are on the great gender spectrum. Maybe you haven't discovered for yourself how far you really want or need to go? Maybe you are a true cd and only feel the need to dress occasionally? My best advice is to always keep the lines of communication open and remind her you are still the same PERSON she cares for. Personally, I see others' lack of understanding as their problem,caused by societal and media conditioning. We as TG people must work to show the ignorant public that we are and can be valued members of society. Ok, enough of my little rant. I'll get off the soapbox now. I hope you find some useful ideas or help in my words Jordan. Hugs, Tonya

[Diversity]

The best thing you did was tell your wife. I had a similar experience in that I, too, kept this a secret until very late in our marriage. We have not sought out therapy, as we are both keeping open and honest with one another. Over the past year, things have improved for me, as there is no issues in me wearing panties 24/7 or sleeping in a nightgown (as long as it is not overly feminine). She knows I like to wear women's clothing but does not want to see it. I hope in tiime this will change, but at least she knows my feelings are real and present, and she is not telling me to stop this. In fact my wife tells me to do what I need to do, but not in front of her. She loves me and tells me that things could be a lot worse, as I could be cheating on her, or leaving her, or be a husband who is out at bars all the time, or an abusive husband, or even one who is considering something as drastic as suicide. She is happy to have me and can deal with my crossdressing, as long as I can live with her feelings about it. Thus we have come to an agreeable compromise, and our relationship is still as strong as it ever was.
Di

[ReineD]

The question I have is how many of you have ever met with a therapist and does it help?

You could certainly see a therapist, but before this you might want to read the same textbooks they do when learning about gender variance. This might help to focus your questions to your therapist.

Here's a Google Preview of a textbook published in 2013: Counseling LGBT Clients, by Kevin Alderson. Chapter 7 is on the crossdressing and Chapter 8 is on transsexualism. Luckily, the publishers (Sage Publishing) have released the entire chapter 7 in pdf format, so you can read pretty much everything that counselors learn about the CDing. Don't be put off by the chapter title "Fetishistic Crossdressing, Children and Adults". The author points out that it normally starts out that way but often morphs into dressing for comfort later on in a crossdresser's life.

http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/47510_ch_7.pdf


Edit
About what your wife may be feeling: Just as you don't have language to explain to her why you do this, at first she will not have the language to explain to herself exactly how she feels. Superficial thoughts might come to the foreground, like "My own femininity feels threatened", or "Am I a lesbian", but these are usually initial thoughts borne out of a complete lack of understanding of the situation. Once your wife gets used to the idea that you crossdress, she will see that her sense of femininity is not at all diminished just because you present as a woman occasionally. Likewise, she will understand that she is not attracted to genetic females and so she is not a lesbian.

If you, on the other hand, decide that YOU want to share your wife's role as the woman in your relationship (for example the bulk of the pretty things purchased are for you and not her), then your wife may go through a period of grieving the loss of her role as the woman in your eyes. This can be difficult to overcome and like Sandra and Di, I recommend that she join this forum in order to talk to other GGs who have gone through the same thing.

[WandaRae2009]

I know exactly how you feel. It was a secret I kept from her for over 25 years, and it came out on suspicion of an affair. Meeting with a therapist saved our marriage. Without it I don't think we would be together today. The therapist help us talk it out and asked a lot of questions, my wife had but didn't know how to ask. Make sure you go to one that is familiar with transgender issues. The one I went to I found through a local support group. We are still together 4 years later. This is tough for her to get her head around. An impartial third party can help in the dialog and keep some of the anger in in check.

Good luck to you and your spouse.

[reb.femme]

..........I can understand this, but one thing that you have to be careful is not to put all of this onto her. A lot of GGs that are told or find out end up feeling like the weight is on their shoulders, like it has transferred from the hubby to the wife. You could also suggest that she joins here and joins FAB.

I concur with Sandra on the transfer of weight reference. I could see that my wife was struggling with my big reveal, so I suggested that she tell her sister, with whom she is very close. It gave her a trusted outlet for discussion. I'm not saying you should do the same, I just offer this in support of Sandra's advice.

The fact that you say she forgives you is a massive step, but be aware that she will go through many personal struggles with this, so just bear with it. If this big reveal was in reverse for me, I have to be honest, I wouldn't be over the moon either. I sincerely hope this works out for you and your wife.


Rebecca

[MsJordan]

Brief update - Things are going better than expected. We talk about it daily and I a being honest with her and answering her questions. This has brought us closer and as she learns more and reads more, she is better understand the "whys" We are working on some boundaries also to ensure we are both happy. She wants to make this work and I couldn't be happier.

[LauraOTN]

Hey MsJ,
Thanks for the update, I'm really really hoping it works out well. Please let us know how it goes. It's probably good to talk here, but the truth is, I'm really curious and have my fingers crossed for you!

[kathrynt21]

I see a therapist on a regular basis and it is possibly the best thing I have done. Someone who listens objectively and without judgment is a very good resource. Alone r as a couple. I will reiterate what has been said here. Be honest. And make no promises. Cd'ing and TGism is a very fluid process.
Just be as honest as you can and hope the acceptance and understanding follows.
That' what I am trying to do.
I wish you all the best!

[Adelaide]

Ahhhh....the famous "trust" word..... My SO never accepted my CDing and unfortunately never will. She recommended we see a woman therapist. I reluctantly said yes at the beginning. I came all beautifully dressed up for the 4th or 5th session and the therapist said that I looked beautiful tonight. I felt great! But that was the end of the therapy. Acceptance and understanding for who I really am never followed. Today, I can only dress up when on business trips...without her knowing...

[AmandaJ]

I kept my CDing a secret for about 25 years until I finally told my girlfriend at the time when our relationship was collapsing. Coming out and being honest brought a new level of intimacy and trust to the relationship and it actually helped patch things up at the time. During that time, I was very depressed, selfish and immature. She urged me to see a therapist and I finally did. It was worthwhile in my opinion. It offered me a place to vent, to confess, an ear to listen, and sign posts to finding my way out of the darkness. Though, I didn't really ever discuss my CDing that much with my therapist, I did TELL her about it...which was a huge step since she was only the 2nd person I had ever told. Coming out has been like pushing a snowball down a hill. Small and slow at first, but the more people you tell, the easier it gets. Next thing you know you're a giant ball of snow crushing the villagers in the valley below! Unstoppable!

[lingerieLiz]

A therapist may help, but if you don't find it helpful don't be afraid to change. We went to a therapist, who almost caused us to divorce. She had hang-ups about men. She never knew about my CDing. Later we learned two couples who we were friends with had the same experience with her.

[Saikotsu]

I have no advice to offer that hasn't already been given by the others. I will instead wish you the best and hope things continue to improve between the two of you.

[Chickhe]

There is not a trust issue... it is a self acceptance issue. Your wife doesn't tell you everything either. If she is like mine, she locks herself in the bathroom for hours doing grooming and she's not about to tell you what she was doing in there...

[bomba]

maria your story is beautiful.....you are truly blessed with a awesome wife

[Jackie7]

Just a quick comment about therapists. Real ones work for you. You can contract with the therapist to help you with your issues, however you define them. I have contracted with therapists to help me learn how to manage my crossdressing in an unhappy marriage, how to improve the marriage, and also to help work through our divorce. Good ones stay with your agenda, they don't impose their own.

Anyway, whatever you do good luck on your journey.

[Teresa]

The therapist I saw didn't make a big thing of it, he told me it wasn't a mental illness but he could see living with it was making me mentally ill. He continued by saying if it wasn't a secret it wouldn't be a problem. In order to help me he needed my wife to attend, she refused. I found the way forward was to work out how and why it started if you understand that you can then explain it to your wife. Best of luck!

Maria what would I give to tell it like that ! That level of understanding is pretty rare !