You are very brave

[PaulaQ]

Well, since Angela posted a really great thread about "as long as you're happy", I thought I'd go ahead and mention the other thing that's frequently said to me, and see how y'all felt about this, and if people said this to you.

Last night, while sitting at a restaurant, I saw a gay couple that I know. They are older, and just super-nice guys. The older one stopped by my table (I waved at him), and kissed my hand, and said "I applaud the courage it takes to do what you are doing."

I get told that I'm brave a lot. Anyone else get told this? The thing is - I don't especially feel brave. Mostly I'm just doing what I have to do to survive, although I certainly appreciate the compliment and the sentiment and understanding behind it.

I feel OK about these statements, although sometimes I wonder "wow, do I look that bad?" lol.

Anyone else experience this? How did it make you feel?

[Kimberly Kael]

I certainly had numerous comments along those lines, and I've heard similar tales from others who have transitioned. It seems to rub a lot of people the wrong way, but in my experience it's generally intended in a very positive manner by someone who is truly supportive. Let's not kid ourselves; transition is a huge risk. It's contrary to essentially everyone's expectations and outside of the experience of most people we deal with on a daily basis. They literally cannot imagine how hard it must be to pursue such a dramatic life change with no option but to do so with very public scrutiny.

It's one thing brave acts seem to have in common: the people who undertake them are generally embarrassed by the attention and can't imagine acting any other way. It's true of civil rights pioneers. War heroes. People who protect children or loved ones in dangerous situations. I suspect part of the reason transition doesn't feel like it belongs on this list is it can feel selfish rather than selfless. In practice, though, I admire and owe a huge debt of gratitude to those who transitioned decades before me. They made a huge difference in my life, whether or not that was their intent, and they risked a great deal in the process.

[PaulaQ]

Personally, I've always considered that the difference between great bravery, and complete stupidity is mostly the outcome, in a lot of cases! I personally think the jury is still out on which one this is for me!

[Angela Campbell]

Yes I have been told that, but it doesn't feel like courage sometimes. Other times I am so scared and still do what I know I need to do so yeah I guess I am very brave.

[JAS]

I agree with Kimberly. And...your welcome. ;-)

[Badtranny]

I've heard it a LOT. One of my favorite conversations was with my Field Superintendent, we were driving back from a job site, I can't remember why they needed ME out there but it was just a couple of weeks after I was full time and had come back from my first round of feminization surgeries. We were stuck in traffic and a dude on a motorcycle was zipping along between the cars a little too fast and Dave said "that dude's got some balls", so I said "well I don't anymore" and he said "you've got bigger balls than anyone I've ever known". Of course I couldn't resist needling my alpha male buddy and I was a little choked up about his uncharacteristic compliment, so I said "you realize that I really did have them removed right?" and he said "**** man, I don't wanna hear that shit!" "why you gotta make me think about shit like that?" It was pretty funny, but really kind of sweet in a way.

I would have hugged him if he would've let me.

...but anyhoo, when people say I'm brave I just tell them it ain't brave to save your own ass. I'll tell you who's brave and that's my friend Jenni who was always willing to go out with me even when I looked more than a little rough. She never let on that she might have been embarrassed or anything, and she never failed to go shopping, or to clubs, or to the movies with me when I was a VERY obvious dude in drag. Who's braver, the person who is exploring who they are for their own pleasure or the perfectly normal person who is not afraid to be seen with them? I will never forget what she did for me, when most people were distancing themselves.

[StephanieC]

Yes, I have heard this a number of times, mostly from my lesbian friends. Since I have never discussed my situation with any of these, I have always taken the comment in the negative (kinda like..."it's obvious"). And yet I get ma'amed when I go to the grocery or to iHop...without makeup.

[sandra-leigh]

As I started wearing clothes in public, especially in "ordinary" mode (being clearly still "me") instead of "in disguise" (dressed / made up to not be recognized), I too got told I was "brave" or "courageous". I spent part of a session with my gender therapist discussing the difference between those two.

"Brave" has almost an element of fool-heartedness or showing-off, like charging into a pack of enemies or hostile creatures that one could have avoided. I feel absolutely unlike that.

"Courageous" is more about having a choice to enter into something that will likely cause yourself pain or suffering but doing it anyhow, such as a fireman entering a burning building. That is closer to me.

But "courageous" was never the right feeling to describe what I went through. It was more that I didn't have a real choice, other than perhaps about exact timing. Or the choice of failing at life, such as a long term stay at a psych ward if something worse did not transpire. I did what I did because I had to. Knowing, Yes, that there would probably be pain or suffering of some kind involved, and going ahead. Because if the wall of mud is drawing up behind you, crossing the fast stream is not courage but self-preservation.

[bas1985]

I usually get the term "strong", but in Italian strong has also a connotation of courage in it.

I respond that, yes, if "strong" means to simply do what needs to be done, I am strong. But in reality
the real strength is before transition, the real strength is to finally accept the reality (I am a woman), the
rest is not strength, it's only coping with the situation, adjusting steps towards a more congruent life.


by the way... in the Tarot deck Strength is a woman who, little by little, opens a lion's mouth with her bare
hands.

I think that this depicts fairly well our strength and courage, we are not afraid to put our hands inside the
lion's mouth, we can easily lose them, if the strength is not enough, but we nevertheless go, because there
is simply no other choice left (or the others are too scary).

[I Am Paula]

Of all the clichés we hear, at least 'brave' is always used in a positive, supporting way. I don't find it offensive in any way.

[Marleena]

I'll go against the flow a bit here too. There is an awkward stage during coming out where many of us will get read like a book in public unless we are polished in appearance comportment, etc. So yeah it can be seen as brave or courageous. So I guess it depends how they say it and who says it.

[Angela Campbell]

Well to be honest how many people actually change almost everything in their life, risk losing everything, and pay huge amounts for medical care out of pocket?

Yeah either brave or crazy.

[Marleena]

Angela according to the WPATH SOC we can't be crazy or we can't get past the gatekeepers. Or maybe they're looking for a certain kind of crazy.lol.

[Angela Campbell]

OK true Marleena......I said crazy but only because it is more polite than stupid.....oops.

[Marleena]

You are being very brave right now Angela.lol.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That's the twin sister of as long as you are happy....

I think this one has more truth to it though...

It is very courageous to do this.

I think sometimes we don't give ourselves the credit and allow ourselves to congratulate ourselves just for getting through this problem.....and that goes for any transsexual that is dealing with their situation and getting their best quality of life, not just people that have completed a successful transition

[Angela Campbell]

You are being very brave right now Angela.lol.

Or maybe stu................uh never mind

[wanagione]

I never felt brave, but I have to agree with badtranny, The the one who is brave is my friend who has been with me since I told her. She has encouraged me and done things with me, pushed me, and defended me.

[Michelle.M]

I think we all hear that and we all seem to have the same opinion about it. I'm not all that brave, I'm just doing what needs to be done so I can live my life. The brave ones are those who stand with me even when they don't have to.

[Foxglove]

In the days after my coming-out a couple of people told me I was very brave. I agree with others on this thread: I didn't feel brave. I felt that at long last I was doing what I needed to do.

It reminded me of the time, many years ago, long before I ever came out, a friend of mine told me I was brave. That puzzled me and I asked her why. Her reason was that I was looking after my son on my own. I didn't see anything brave about that. I was doing what I had to do. I wasn't going to walk out on my son just because his mother did.

And yet, not long ago, I met some young trans-guys and I was very proud of them. I considered them to be very brave. Unlike me, they'd never been in the closet. They were out living their lives from the start. I wonder if they feel brave.

And yet, sometimes I do feel brave. I live in a little town of 4000 and as far as I can see, I'm the only LGBT person out here. I'm not sure. Maybe it's not courage I feel, but simply relief because I finally did what I needed to do.

[sandra-leigh]

I do not find it offensive to be called brave in a supportive way: it mostly just washes over me, not connecting with anything in me. As if they had said, 'That's very lemonade gazelle of you!". Huh? I can hear the words, but they just don't have any meaning in context.

But some quotes on the subject:

“You remember that I told you it was safer not to know. But,' he went on, as his hands moved wuth their sure and practiced motion, 'I will tell you just a little, because you were so very brave.'
Brave?' Annemarie asked, surprised. 'No, I wasn't. I was very frightened.'
You risked your life.'
But I didn't even think about that! I was only thinking of-'
He interrupted her,smiling. 'That's all that brave means-not thinking about the dangers. Just thinking about what you must do. Of course you were frightened. I was too, today. But you kept your mind on what you had to do. So did I.”

“Bravery is a willing decision to do what must be done. Fear is a cancer that is cured only by doing what must be done, backed by an intelligent, open mind.”

“She was beginning to realize people could survive most things. Not because thy were brave or strong, but because there wasn't any choice.”

[arbon]

i used to be very dismissive when people would say those things (and they still do)
But now I am more appreciative of it because when I look at it now I see it different.
I was terrified of transition but I did it anyway.
every day I walk into the job knowing how it was going to be, every time I went back to the same grocery store where the clerks would laugh at me
the day my daughter asked me to leave a restaurant because homophobic
jerks were being loud and I told her I could not leave

I see the grace and courage in other trans women much more easly as they go through all the crap with family, and friends and jobs and face all those fears and even when it all seems to go against them they still have the courage to be who they are. I really admire other trans women, their tough they get through and find ways to survive it and find new lives.

[Badtranny]

There is no question that there is an element of courage in transition but that is only because it takes courage to be true to yourself. There are frightfully few people in this world who have the courage of their convictions and that is the one thing that every single transitioner has. We all have stepped off the ledge into the freefall of a life without secrets and in that regard I have enormous respect for every transitioner, even if they are not exactly my kind of person.

I'm not brave because I followed my heart, I wish everyone was so brave, I'm brave because I FOLLOWED THROUGH.

[PaulaQ]

I'm brave because I FOLLOWED THROUGH.

I agree with you so much about this, Melissa. I do think along the path of transition we have to face real fear, or at least imagined fear - but it seems real! And honestly, we shouldn't lose sight of the fact that we face real dangers too. TDOR is held for reasons that are grimly real.

[Angela Campbell]

To someone else it seems brave, but to me it feels more like a person drafted to go to war. They are scared to go but do so because the consequences are severe.
Although once I passed a threshold I kind of like it. Once I made up my mind to transition the fear dissolved and there was just a lot of work.