Anyone? Can I please ask your advice.

[Erica Marie]

For those of you have come out, be it to a close friend, to family or to anyone. How did you overcome the fear of telling your secret? Im stuck with it on the tip of my tongue. I need to open up before I go cooky.
Any advice would be well appreciated.

Thanx

[Jill Devine]

I wrote letters to the people I wanted to tell. Gave me the chance to write it right. Then I just popped them in the mail and waited...

[Marcelle]

Hi Erica,

I have come out to several friends both male and female but I chose the people carefully as those I am sure would be accepting. With the exception of one person all took it well and my GG friends and I go out quite a bit now, and my guy friends still like to hang with boy me.

So my question to you is . . .Do you have close friends who you are comfortable telling? If so, these folks might be your best option. I did so over coffee or a meal and basically told them I was TG/CD point blank as there was no way to bring it into the conversation in a casual manner. The other thing you have to be prepared for is to answer questions (there were lots) and I did have a picture of me dressed (on my phone) should inquiring minds want to see.

The other thing you have to be sure of is . . . Do you mind if the world knows about you? The reason I am asking this is that once you tell a friend, you loose control of that information and this can spread like wildfire should things go bad between you and a friend or they just accidently tell someone because they need to share. I personally don't care who knows now so if my friends do out me intentionally or unintentionally, then I am prepared.

Hope this helps

Hugs

Isha

[KayleeTaylor]

I spent a lot of time gathering my thoughts in a letter. I knew that I wouldn't be able to say it, I was able to say "Mom, I have hiding something for most of my life and I need to tell you" after that I just froze up and handed her the letter. I was hugging her the whole time that she read the letter. After she read it, the secret was out and it became really easy for me to talk to her then.



Kaylee

[Jaylyn]

Mine started slow and easy actually as we had been married for only a few years. My wife had asked me after I was watching Her put her lipstick on. She asked if something was wrong I told her no I just have a fascination with lipstick and panty hose. She said well here and applied some to my lips. At that young age in life I nearly had a mess to clean up in my jeans it was hot. Then I told her about all my fantasies when I was small of my mom dressing me of the magazines and catalogues I had hidden in the barn loft and growing up loving to play dress up. We talked several hours that night after work and she decided it would be ok if I kept it hid to just her and me. I wore panty hose many times under my pants shopping with her for groceries, etc. she gave me her old makeup. She and I and all the gals on here know what I enjoy. I don't intend on coming out to every one ever as I'm just content to enjoy my dressing in my own space around the love of my life. She is my closest friend and we have had a life built together on living out each other's deepest secrets. She is a very good writer and one day she may write our whole story as a fiction novel but we will hold the one last secret as we will know it will be a true description of our wonderful life together. It is great telling your best friend, mother of your kids, wife and best friend. Really does keep one from going "Cooky".

[Ellie52]

Erica - I told my wife 2 years ago and its the best thing I have ever done, but I am very very lucky to have such a gorgeous supporting wife. The only advice I could give is be very careful, as once the genie is out of the bottle you cant put it back. I told my wife after she found one of her skirts had been put back incorrectly. We have been married 27yrs and it was hard to tell her, but she handled it very well. The older we get the harder it is to handle the whole CDing thing and I think maybe subconsciously I wanted her to find out so I unconsciously put the skirt back knowing it was wrong. Best of luck with everything and PM or email if you want to discuss it further....Ellie

[CarlaWestin]

Although there are others that know about my CD, only the internet knows about Carla. I'm to the point where disclosure just isn't a burning issue. It's more just matter of fact. I've found that telling someone that you're a crossdresser doesn't change their stupid ignorant assumptions about crossdressers. Disclosure rarely equals acceptance. I actually enjoy listening to my best friend when he goes on a rant about how gays and perverts are ruining the world. Meanwhile, I'm on the other end of the phone, in full sexy dispatch, admiring my nice legs and big t1t$ in the mirror. A fabulous, beautiful woman of the calibre that wouldn't give him the time of day.

[Briana90802]

I have found that the more people you tell the easier it gets. With that in mind start by telling people you know and work your way up to telling the close friends and family. This gives you time and adjustment period to fine tune your coming out talk as well as thinking over the answers that you will need for all the questions they're about to ask.

[Karren H]

I got caught before I got to a point where I wanted to tell anyone.... Its quicker and easier and you don't have to think about it! boom.... its over! lol

[Kate Simmons]

It's your choice. Just remember once the "cat" is out of the bag. you can't put it back in.

[Alberta_Pat]

Before you worry about how to tell people, you need to determine if there is a reason to tell.

If it serves no purpose, then there is no need.

If it will serve a purpose, and you understand that purpose, then the telling will be easy.

[Cheryl T]

It just got to the point where I couldn't keep it to myself any longer.
I needed to be able to be me openly and was at last willing to accept the consequences of telling my wife.

[suzy1]

I agree with Alberta_Pat on this.
I have not ‘come out’ to anyone, why would you wont to?

[trishacd]

I alaways wanted. To have someone to talk to that likes to dress,but i dont feel like taking a chance locally.I am surprised that the older i get i dont think twice about trying on heels or a dress or wig.I used to get nervous about buying pantyhose. My point is most cds realize how important it is to be discrete but it only takes one that could change your life.

[Krististeph]

I told the woman whose husband I would become well before we talked about getting married. The fear level was down, we were quite close, and I knew I could not keep this secret from her if we were going to get serious.

Also- to my niece / step-daughter, when she lived with us for a few years (she was in her mid teens), basically about the same time as she was discovering she was not strictly heterosexual.

I guess what I am saying is that i've only 'officially' come out to the people who are very close to me, and my crossdressing (or hiding it) would possibly have a negative effect on them. I would not 'disclose' to anyone unless there was good reason, such as mentioned above.

[kimdl93]

Erica, I'm sure this has incubated in your mind for a good long time. That's good because coming out isn't and shouldn't be an impulsive act, but rather a step along the way. And to answer your question - at some point the need to come out simply outweighs the fear of being outed.

I came out to my GF (now wife) when I believed I knew her well and that we were likely to continue long term. I needed her to know this going into the relationship. I came out to my adult step daughter when she moved back in with us briefly - and then only because her unpredictable work schedule made it likely that she might stumble upon me en femme....and I preferred a controlled and planned reveal to accidental outing. I came out to several very carefully selected business associates and friends when I felt I could no longer confine my dressing entirely to my non-working life.

I have come out a bit less cautiously with neighbors and merchants that I know in a passing way. I guess the risk of being out to casual acquaintances seems lower to me, its pretty hard to walk a dog, get a latte or pick up the mail without eventually running into a neighbor. About the only recent, unexpected outing was when my wife a neighbor lady over for a glass of wine on the patio while I was en femme. It was new to me, but it turned out she already knew. Non issue. Maybe I am a bit less threatened because a good long time ago, my ex wife took it upon herself to out me to co-workers, friends and family members. I survived the experience quite well. Being outed as a cross dresser in reality wasn't nearly as bad as my fears.

So the question you're asking yourself is a sign that you're getting close...that the need to share this very meaningful part of yourself is beginning to outweigh the fear. You're well on your way there. You've been out en femme already, so you've conquered that fear. This is one more fear that, I can assure you from personal experience, is largely overblown.

One last thing - your fears are probably overblown. Think about the person you want to share this with. Is he or she the kind of person you trust? If so, then plan your comments, be prepared for questions, take a deep breath and get it out there.

[Briana90802]

Well I came out to my wife. She's my best friend and if you can't come out to your best friend then what's the point of them being your friend? Obviously there not a good friend if they can't do the simplest of things like empathize, listen, and understand.

[Stephanie47]

I think you really need to reassess your need to go public. I read in a prior post that a friend helped you with dressing/makeup. It seems most of us on this site struggle with opening up with their wives. It is difficult to "hide" this lifestyle from a woman with whom one interacts with everyday and in every manner. Others? Well, it is usually a casual relationship; friends, coworkers, neighbors, distant relatives. What will you gain by revealing yourself? As some others have said, "You can't put the genie back in the bottle!" With social media word of your cross dressing can spread quickly to others with whom you did not want to share this secret.

The big question I always have is "WHY????" Is it validation of self? I cannot imagine wanting to be en femme in front of people who are not accepting. If you want to interact with others, I suggest as some others have stated, find a support group with like minded individuals.

Your pictures suggest that you would be passable with a wig or with naturally longer hair, but, people who know you will still see you as a man in a dress.

[Lorileah]

Depends on who it was. Some I just told. Some I showed photos. I went to a Halloween party for my best friend. Told my mother that I was going to transition by phone. Told my dad the same way. Mom is OK with it, Dad is processing and won't talk to me. Point there is that he is the only one who was upset over it. I posted it on my facebook, forgetting that my cousin and aunt were "friends" that was interesting.

In other words, you will come out to those who need to know when the time is right and you won't have to think how, you will know

[natalialimapoa]

Well, in my experience, this are the most important things to remember:

1- Dont expect good reactions from nobody. Its important to remember that only you know whats good for your life, and other people will judge you based on their reality, not yours.

2- Dont think, just do it. Thats it, its like jumping in a cold pool, just let the words come out of your mouth.

[NathalieX66]

I showed a couple of pics to my family and friends while I was dressed as male. My dad gets a little sarcastic, though......"so, what do you want for Christmas? Something feminine?"

One thing though. You get into this life and make it known, you have to be willing to deal with the negativity. However, I have been lucky to have accepting friends when I came out.

I still have not come out at work, nor will I ever, no matter how long my hair is, how much my beard as been zapped out, or how many holes I have in my earlobes.

[Valarie]

For me a total of five people know; my wife (the first person I told), my therapist, my best male friend (who said he would totally date me but I told him he wasn't my type lol), a GG co-worker (that has become a good friend), and a professor of mine that I work with (she has also become a good friend). Each of these people I interact with on a daily or weekly basis, (my guy friend and I are working on a book) so I trust them, and they are very accepting people.

I wrote a post when I first joined about wanting to tell a friend; while I appreciated everyone's advice, many people seemed to say it may go wrong. It is true that once you are out to someone you are out, but if it is someone you know and interact with a lot than you should now how they would react.

Think about previous conversations; are they open minded, do they accept different ways of thinking, or they empathetic? It is something very big to share, and for those that I shared it with they saw it was hard for me and was very understanding. I know what you mean, when you say it is on the tip of your tongue, but sharing with someone makes us feel more normal, and can create a special bond.

[Vanessa5]

I came out to my wife and only my wife so far. She has not been supportive and views this hobby as an aberration. The only way I got up the courage to come out was by coming to this site and finally accepting myself as a crossdresser.

[AllieSF]

Before you worry about how to tell people, you need to determine if there is a reason to tell.

If it serves no purpose, then there is no need.

If it will serve a purpose, and you understand that purpose, then the telling will be easy.

I like this reply and also Kimdl93's. You don't give much information here about who you want to come out to, so, the "why", is only partially understood. If you are talking about an SO/wife then there is that need and obligation pressure to share something very personal to you that if possible should be shared with the SO. (note: if possible) If it is to a family member, like Mom or Dad, other reasons and needs come into play, like wanting them to know the real you before they pass away, or so that you can be the real you around them. If it is to have someone to talk with about all this, someone who will give you a good and meaningful hug when needed, then you could pick a trusted friend, or as many of us have done here develop friendships with someone who has this similar interest. I have followed this last scenario. It is not because I really needed to talk about it to someone special. I talk to everyone who does not know the male me and share what I think is interesting to share, and am willing to answer any questions asked. But by having a good friend I can also share personal issues with someone close. I have that friend and I do share when I need to.

So, once you determine the "why" you need to share, you can then identify who would be the best person to share with, and then pick some of the advice in the other posts here to figure out what approach may work best for you.

I hope all this helps and good luck.

[Beverley Sims]

Usually there was an opportune time and the conversation was about disguises and womens clothing.