Is it me or am I missing something

[Billiejosehine]

It seems, as I have mentioned in my other post, that there are numerous problems with my SO and my marriage. From her finding about me CDing, wanting to be a women, shaving, or some other non related issue. No matter if it is in fact my fault or not. These issues bring up the subject of divorce and a few days later things are back to normal. At the current moment things are back to normal and she is being a lot more affectionate and playful. Even telling me she needs attention. The thing that has me scratching my head is that she is looking at wedding dresses, talking about her next wedding she's going to have, if she invites me would I go ( but it then again she may not because it would be weird), wants to remove me as a beneficiary and have just the kids from her 401k and life, joking about if it's okay if her BF buy her something, or if it would be ok to go on dates with her BF. When I say something about her comments, she just laughs and tells me that she says these things because I apparently get all moody. That if she really did have a BF, she would not be with me. Am I over reacting or am I missing something?

Here's an interesting side note: today when I went into Starbucks an old neighbor, who we haven't spoken to for the past year and a half asked me if I was divorced. The only way this person would know is if my So stated something on Facebook (she is friends with them) or she has said something to a family friend who is neighbors to the person that asked me the question at Starbucks.

[mikiSJ]

I am in a similar situation but my wife is trying and wants to keep the marriage together so I am not getting the same comments your wife is spouting.

You are in California, so if you end up in a divorce, half of the 401K and any cash value of the insurance policy is yours. I am in San Jose; PM me if I can be of help.

[Jaylyn]

Maybe it's her way of coping with all this. I truly feel sorry for those that don't have supporting wives. I hope and pray that y'all get it all worked out. Life is tough enough without having to deal with stress about what some can not help. Where kids are involved sometimes they are the ones that suffer the most so I would tell her straight up the kids are not in on this and so leave them out but do keep the line of communication open. To me she is telling you by her saying she has a BF is saying I married a male and if you are not going to be one then I might find one. I don't know enough about your marriage to help much but just hang in there and give and take as you feel you can. Good luck.

[carhill2mn]

My thoughts are that her "joking around" about a divorce and a wedding dress are warning signs. "Many a true word is spoken in jest"! Her "needing more attention" is also a good indicator of how she is feeling. Have you had any serious talks about how your relationship? Do you feel that she would want to save it?

You may want to contact a good divorce attorney and find out what you need to do to protect yourelf and your assets. Are your children adults?

Good luck!

[Billiejosehine]

For her she has stated that she has given so much of her time, that she is not committed and fixing things are not worth her time; this of course is when she is angry and things are bad. I do often ask her or try to have a conversation about our marriage, she turns around and ask me how I think things are and never answers my question. My children are vey young 2 and 4.

[LaraPeterson]

Billie, you are likely approaching critical mass in your relationship. Jaylyn was probably right when she mentioned coping. It sounds like your wife is testing the waters of separation. If that's the case, and I hope it is not, it's sad but not hopeless. Sooner or later, you guys are going to have to sit down and talk about the situation and the elephant in the room or things will just get worse.

Once the cat is out of the bag, it's never going back in. I face that right now with my wife. The tension is there, the self-doubt is always around, and for the most part we don't have regular conversations about it. Here's my caveat: we've been married a long time, raised our child, shared many, many wonderful things together, and still love one another deeply even though neither of us fully understands all that goes into this part of my life.

That said, let me ask you a question. What's most important to you, your CDing or your marriage? If it's your CDing, your marriage likely won't last. One more thing. CDing is a very important part of my life and I'd say that's true for just about everyone who is here on the forum. I don't want to and have no intention of giving it up. On the other hand, my wife is very important to me, as well. The struggle in this is sometimes overwhelming and very often almost depressing. But if the struggle wasn't CDing, there'd probably be something else to cause a struggle.

I only hope you guys can work through it and work it out and stay together. This site has changed my mind about a lot of things I thought I knew and has taught me how to face things I thought I would never be able to face. Stay here, stay strong, and never be afraid to share.

[RADER]

34 years ago, my first wife was making much the same noise yours is doing.
I failed to read the writing on the wall, 6 months later we are in a bitter divorce.
My best advice is for you to quietly find a lawyer, get him on board, so if and when she
hits you with the papers, you can be ready with someone on your side.
I hate to see anyone get divorced; but being ready to protect yourself is a prudent idea.
Rader

[kimdl93]

Look your wife and you are obviously not on the same page regarding anything. I see this relationship in a downward spiral. Do not allow her to remove you from her retirement. If divorce happens, that retirement, and yours, must be divided as a share asset. Also, from the sound of it, you both must try joint marriage counseling. If she refuse, then start planning for dissolution.

[JamieQ]

There really is not enough information to base my opinion on...but it looks like to me she might be one step ahead of you and other people seem to know her plans. I think you should at least consult with a divorce lawyer to see what your options may be. As another basically is telling you, "do not fail to read the writing on the wall". I do not know divorce laws where you live but I believe that a spouse has to give permission to be removed as beneficiary...I am not sure though...a lawyer would know.

[Beverley Sims]

It is time for you to get your defenses together.
Do not get into arguments however easy it may be, and don't sign anything.
I agree a lawyer can be a good friend right now.

Do not be tempted into anything because things seem smoother now, either.
Play the game as happy as you can be.

[DebbieL]

There are two possibilities. One is that your wife is actually having an affair, and she really is planning to leave you, the second is that she has read some of Sarah Desmaris books on Sissy, Femdom, and Cuckholding. She may even want to find out if you are open to an open marriage. Some cross-dressers actually enjoy the cuckholding fantasy or even the reality. I've had two cuckhold relationships which I found both frustrating and exciting at the same time. I could please her one way, but didn't have the "equipment" to "fill her up", so I ended up being her lesbian lover and she would have other boys on the side.

Things you SHOULD check - financial records - usually if a woman is supporting her boyfriend, there will be a few larger purchase that are obviously for a man and you know it's not for you. When my first wife paid several hundred dollars for a stereo for her boyfriend, I realized that I had to be more aggressive about protecting my finances. When I took her credit card, she decided it was time to move out.

Also find out if she's opened new bank accounts in her name only, or if she has started transferring large amounts out of the savings and/or checking account.

The second thing to look for is being shut out or excluded. If she's completely lost interest in sex or any other form of intimacy, like cuddling, there is probably something going on. If she's coming home late, does she have that "porno theater" smell?

Next you need to decide what you will want to do if she IS having an affair. The only time I got jealous of my first wife's affair was when she got all dressed up in hose with back-seams, heels, and one of MY SKIRTS. She didn't have any skirts of her own and I bought her the shoes for a company Christmas party and that was the ONLY time she wore them. Then she told me she was going BOWLING! I almost fell over laughing.

It was only when she started telling my sister about how she was going to take me for everything if I interfered with her affair that I finally realized that I needed to take precautions. When my wife told me she wanted a divorce, I told her "If he still wants to marry you a year from now, I'll file for divorce and give away the bride, but if he can't handle you and the kids, you can come back and I will still love you. Even today, we are friends, and ironically her husband turned out to have some serious problems including chain smoking, multiple sclerosis, a stroke, stomach cancer, clinical depression, and alcoholism. He also lost all interest in sex about 2 weeks after the wedding.

Find out what you wife needs, what she's afraid of, and what she wants from you. If you can accept actually having another man in her bed, as long as she stays with you, that is probably the best way to go. Even if you are transsexual and want to transition, your marriage will be valid. If she is the major income earner, then she may be trying to protect her assets. Whatever happens, do NOT agree to let her take your name off her 401K unless she agrees to let you take her off of your 401k.

Keep in mind that when a woman decides she wants a divorce, she talks to her friends to find out the best possible strategy to get the best possible "deal" she can. My wife was actually planning our divorce for almost 4 years before we actually got a divorce, and 3 years before she met her lover. She realized that New York was not a no-fault state, so he demanded that we move to Colorado, where child support is automatic and not negotiable and she wouldn't have to admit that she was having an affair.

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Hi Billie,

Lara's post is great advice.

Sorry for your situation. I agree that your wife is testing the waters in some way. It is one thing to kid with you about a possible divorce but to mention it to friends is rather serious. Best to have some serious conversations with her and maybe counseling sooner rather than later.

I believe that divorce is usually better without 2 lawyers, if you get a lawyer she will find out and get one as well and things can get very very costly. If you wind up going to divorce then you might be wise to have one lawyer to mediate an agreement between you and your wife before going to court. This of course requires the cooperation of your wife and you must be sure she is not working behind your back against you.

Hope you can work things out without a divorce. Maybe your wife just needs to understand more about CD'ing so that's where some marriage counseling would help. But keep in mind, as this forum will show you, that the desire and propensity to CD tends to increase as we age so don't assume you can just drop it (and you shouldn't have to). A lot of us here put it away for many many years early in our marriages only to find it coming on strong later in life creating all sorts of other problems.

Hugs,
Stephanie

[Billiejosehine]

Lately she has been saying she needs to go to work on the weekends to make up hours while I stay home with the kids. Our accounts are split already and always has been. When I get paid from my job she demands all my money because she likes to manage the finances. When I don't give her enough money, she complains I that she is always stuck paying for everything and what I give her is nothing. Mind you she makes more then me. She has jokingly said that love should be multiplied not divided and we should have an open relationship. Much like the show sister wives if you seen it (her favorite show).

When comes to the 401k, the life, or creating a will; she claims that the reasons why she wants to have everything to the kids and not have me included is because: 1. If we are both dead what's going to happen, 2. She never had anything growing up and she wants the kids to be okay if anything happen, and 3. And she doesn't want any conflicts or have any family involved in trying to take a piece of the action.

I have actually tried putting the whole CDing behind me, but as you said it comes back stronger. In tired of hiding who I am and I'm realizing I would like to transition soon, which is another can of worms.

[DebbieL]

When comes to the 401k, the life, or creating a will; she claims that the reasons why she wants to have everything to the kids and not have me included is because: 1. If we are both dead what's going to happen,

You should remain as primary beneficiary and have them listed as secondaries. You should also both have wills.
This is your retirement money. Unless you want end up in a medicaid nursing home (drugged into immobility and near coma, or worse), or jail, you should not be passing it directly to your children as long as either of you needs the money to survive.

You might want to set up some trust funds or split up the 401K into some smaller IRA accounts, but again, you need to focus on your retirements.

Keep in mind that if she gives the kids the 401K the money will be taxed as ordinary income, and possibly with penalties. If the money goes to you the first $10 million isn't taxed, which means you could give some of that money to the kids, helping them out as needed.

2. She never had anything growing up and she wants the kids to be okay if anything happen, and 3. And she doesn't want any conflicts or have any family involved in trying to take a piece of the action.

The first issue is key. She has a real issue with money because she didn't have anything and now she worries about it alot. The bigger question is whether both of you feel that you could be trusted to help out your children together if she does go first.

Keep in mind that if she does divorce you, the total 401k money would be split evenly between you. If you are NOT the beneficiary, then she would keep ALL of hers AND get half of yours.

[Billiejosehine]

While the answer is obvious, I find it hard to let things go in hopes that they get better. To make my situation worse, about two hours ago my SO was home cleaning and came across a shirt and panties that i did not know I left in the open. This just confirmed to her that things will never work. She says in not a bad person and nothing wrong with what I do, but she's a strong independent women who deserves to be with somebody who knows who they are. She doesn't want to put up with that side of me, she didn't ask to sign up for this, and put her through anymore he'll. Apparently I have never been present in the 5 we been together; because I am trying so hard to fit into a role and it doesn't work. That even though she sees that I'm trying hard to fit this role, it is obvious to people around me that it's not working. While on the phone she told me to think about that, to think about stop pretending to be a family, the hell I've been putting her through, and if I really love her then I should let her go and we can do our own thing. A short time later I got a text saying that she really wants to do things right and the next time I see my therapist she wants to cone along

She is money hungry and finances are a big issue. She always ask why everything she likes has to be so expensive. We make a good income, but somehow we are living paycheck to paycheck.

[Lorileah]

I think this thread has run its course. It is not the place to air all your marital problems. You have a lot of advice already.