"Im so tired of needing to always be a man"

[Marcelle]

Sorry,

I have to chime in here. There is a lot of misconception that acting "macho" or following stereotypical male roles/hobbies/interest precludes following more feminine stereotypical interests/roles/hobbies. In reality there is neither except the ones we create in our own minds. I engage in a lot of male oriented past times, I fix cars, do renovations, clear brush but then again so does my wife. I am a soldier and proud of that fact and have engaged in combat but then again I have fought along side female soldiers who hold their own and mix down and dirty with the guys including the proclivity to chew tobacco. It doesn't make them less feminine or me more masculine . . . they do it because that is what they wish to do as do I. On the other hand, I love to cook (always have), I sew, I help my wife clean the house (I truly love to vacuum as it relaxes me - love my Dyson) and I am not adverse to watching a good (heavy emphasis on the good) chick flick just as I enjoy a good zombie flick. All these so called feminine things (not convinced they are) I have done both "en boy" and on occasion "en girl" . . . they are the same as I am the same regardless of the gender I am presenting.

All this to say, do we really need to get wrapped around the axel on what constitutes feminine and/or masculine and how that influences a drive to present "en femme". Nobody can explain why I like to dress on occasion as a girl and I hardly believe it is because on some deep level I am tired of being a guy. Why? Because when I present as Isha, I am still me. I may not go to work "en femme" but Isha is still there. I may not cut the lawn in a skirt and heels but Isha is still there. I may decide to cook dinner "en femme" (as I did tonight) but boy me is still there.

My two cents.

Hugs

Isha

[Janine cd]

Let yourself go. I've been the supporting male in my family for more than 50 years. I know what it is to be expected to be the male caretaker and instant problem solver. I have found that I can live the male life when necessary, While still being to satisfy my feminine desires. All it takes is setting priorities with your time. If the time to dress feminine allows itself, use it. If not, wait for an opportune moment. Then seize it and enjoy!

[mary something]

it didn't seem to me that anyone in this thread was talking about dismantling walls, only making a window here or there to allow some normal human expression. Nobody can be John Wayne as a guy and Marilyn as a woman and be real without just playing a role. I thought Melissa made a great point that some people seem to feel this obligation to perform certain gendered actions that serve no purpose other than to make them feel adequate as the type of man they perceive themselves to be. Nobody can be a stereotype and be happy. Other people aren't judging as much sometimes as maybe people feel like they are.

Jess, I think a lot of crossdressers would probably still want to look feminine in the manner they choose at certain times no matter how well they live and enjoy their life as a man. It's a very visual thing it seems to me. From how it's described as pink fog, to the urge to purge, it's clear that many people perceive of it as a strong force that they don't have control over always. I think that is one of the reasons communication is so difficult at times, it's perceived as being outside of the person feeling it.

There is a lot of misconception that acting "macho" or following stereotypical male roles/hobbies/interest precludes following more feminine stereotypical interests/roles/hobbies. In reality there is neither except the ones we create in our own minds.

yes, almost like it is a balancing act sometimes, with one masculine activity in guy mode balancing out a femme activity in girl mode. I think a lot of this kind of thinking is from seeing the two sexes as opposites.

[busker]

I'm pretty sure Bakersfield ain't tolerant.

you can say that again. Highest rate of pedophilia in the nation as I remember reading, and of child abuse.
Here is an interesting map of american tolerance--Rhode island being the most tolerant
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2...tml?ref=sunday

[dizzy]

After reading this thread I actually think there is something wrong with me now, I am just a guy who loves doing guy things and will also do girly things when I want, I have had many a tea party and played dolls with my daughter and played cowboys and Indians with my boys, I love to go shopping with my wife just for examples. I cross-dress because I love the clothes nothing more nothing less, the fingernail polish, the perfume, bras, panties, yoga pants, tights and the list goes on, however if I wear fingernail polish in male mode I am suddenly gay or weird, same with long earrings, or even that cute sparkly shirt. WHY? why can I not wear that stuff and still be seen as a normal guy? Hell today I took my son to college, on the way back I changed out of boots, jeans and tshirt and into some tights and a long shirt and tennis shoes, I had the most comfortable drive home ever, but if I would have gotten out of the truck I would have been some pervert on the street it seems. WHY?
I say I am so tired of being a guy because I am suppose to fit into what the world says a guy should look like, it has nothing to do with what guys are suppose to do and what females are suppose to do, those are old point of views anyhow. My wife grew up helping her dad work on cars for example, every relationship should share all the household tasks no matter what they are, but I think I should also be able to put on a skirt and cute tank top and run to the store when its 90 degrees out with some color on my nails or wear yoga pants and a t-shirt with some sparkly earrings and not be looked at like I am a alien from another planet, the clothes are just awesome after all they are just clothes. In fact as I write this, I am fully decked out, makeup, earrings, dress, high heels, the whole 9 yards but I am still me, a guy who enjoys this.

[Aprilrain]

Yeah the walls we construct are often over built. Just keep in mind that they exist as much to keep something in as they are for protection. So if you crack the gates open a little, it isn't certain just what will come out, or whether you'll put it back in the box later. Assuming the whole edifice doesn't collapse.

Be careful what you wish for I guess.

Paula, you see thats the thing! a CDer does not have a woman inside just waiting to burst out like we did. That is the essential difference between your experience with CDing and hiding your true nature (and mine, i might add) and your average CDers. Before everyone jumps down my throat, I'm not saying one is better than the other its just different.

@Dizzy, nothing will change until those men who want to wear skirts in public as men come out and stand up for their right to do so. Social change doesn't just happen you have to fight for it. Blacks, latinos, Women, LGBT etc. have all taken to the streets to fight for their rights and continue to do so. Until crossdressers, who are largely white heterosexual men, decide to get out there and fight for their right to be feminine you will not see the change you seek. just saying!

[Wildaboutheels]

F A C T. MANY men can and DO wear anything they want to in public in towns and cities large and small. It does not require living anywhere "special". No amount of whining is going to change that. These very Forums are full of such "men" who do this.

It's also a fact that men ARE better equipped to do some jobs than women and vice versa. BUT, unless one is at work where your employer DOES have the right to tell one how to "dress", one can "dress" however they want. And if you want to wear makeup, wigs and forms etc., THERE IS NO LAW TO PREVENT IT.

Sitting around whining about an unaccepting Society is a sign of a CDer whose worst enemy is as close as the nearest mirror.

And NO, I don't feel burdened at all...

[LilSissyStevie]

This weekend my sister-in-law came to stay with us because her marriage of 25 years is falling apart and she needed some refuge from the storm. It seems he complains that the passion is gone. They've lost the connection they once had. He makes soppy romantic gestures towards her and she doesn't respond. This depresses him so he locks himself in his office to cry. She finds that to be pathetic, weak and effeminate (her words) and it is repulsive to her.

So there you have it. An example of what can happen when you let down the mask of masculinity just a little bit. It's what every man has to think about before they go "integrating" any traits that can be perceived as feminine into their public persona.

[PaulaQ]

Paula, you see thats the thing! a CDer does not have a woman inside just waiting to burst out like we did. That is the essential difference between your experience with CDing and hiding your true nature (and mine, i might add) and your average CDers. Before everyone jumps down my throat, I'm not saying one is better than the other its just different.

Does the CDer not hide who they truly are just as surely as lesbians, gays, bisexuals, or transgendered people do? Oh wait - they are transgendered, aren't they. It's funny, the lesbians and gay folks I know in my life instinctively "get" that there are some common elements to our struggle with society, even if they don't know the first thing about transsexuals. Why do you feel the struggle of a CDer is so different? I don't. I can't imagine what part about my secretly dressing up, being terrified someone would discover me would be much different from the experience of many closet CDs here. Nor are the consequences all that different for them - most of their wives will be terrified that they'll transition - if they are even able to accept it on that level. (Read almost any thread in "loved ones".)

I find your attitude, quite frankly, smacks of prejudice - you want to exclude them from your happy little TS camp. Yeah, most of the girls on the CD forum will never transition. You know what that makes them, in my opinion? Lucky.

Again, I've talked to many, many CDs here on this forum. And the inescapable conclusion I have is that their experience differs from mine largely in terms of degree. They know fear. They know prejudice. They fear for their marriages, or consequences in their real lives. Unlike me, they can remain hidden and avoid some of those consequences - but at the awful cost of living a live of fear and loneliness.

If I am honest and compassionate, I can't tell you which of us has it worse, overall.

I'm sorry if you don't see it that way, I truly am.

[MatildaJ.]

This weekend my sister-in-law came to stay with us because her marriage of 25 years is falling apart...It seems he complains that the passion is gone. They've lost the connection they once had. He makes soppy romantic gestures towards her and she doesn't respond. This depresses him so he locks himself in his office to cry. She finds that to be pathetic, weak and effeminate (her words) and it is repulsive to her. So there you have it. An example of what can happen when you let down the mask of masculinity just a little bit.

Their marriage is falling apart. That's not necessarily because he let down the macho mask. It sounds like the passion ended first, and then, when his wife wasn't interested in him anymore, that's when he started breaking down. I'm glad he's able to show emotion right now and hope you can support him during this hard time. It sounds like he could use a friend.

Since she no longer liked him anyway, it's not reasonable to use her reaction as evidence for how a loving wife might react to her beloved husband saying he likes tulips, he dislikes working on cars, and sometimes he feels sad.

[LilSissyStevie]

No, she was happy until he got all "effeminate" on her, he was the one that was dissatisfied. Now she's lost all respect for him. I sure that neither of them can help feeling the way they do.

[MatildaJ.]

She was happy AND passionate about him? Or was he dissatisfied because she was no longer sexually interested in him?

[Tina_gm]

Wow, see what happens when I am not on this board for a bit? lol. I missed a good one here. I tried reading through some of it, but I have not read every response Jess. But I will give my 2 cents in to the original post you put up.

For me, and I view myself as trangendered, that I have a part of me that is more aligned to women.... Having said that, It is not the male side that I ever tire of. I am fine with what expectations there are of me as a man. I feel that I fulfill those for the most part. I also enjoy these as well. For me, it is not abandoning being a guy, but of the society taboo of being feminine. That is what I struggle with. I am one of those who fits both categories. I have a part of me which is male and comfortable with that, but also a feminine side and part of me which is more aligned with women, but I cannot show that to society. Actually, it is not a matter of can't, but of the repercussions if I do.

I do not recall ever thinking or feeling, I am tired of being a guy, I wish I didn't have to do XYZ. It is more of wishing I could do XYZ and there not be an issue with it.

[MatildaJ.]

Thanks, gendermutt, that makes sense.

[LilSissyStevie]

She was happy AND passionate about him? Or was he dissatisfied because she was no longer sexually interested in him?

I can't imagine associating the word "passionate" with her. But, from her point of view, she's always been the same. He's the one that changed and that's when she lost all interest in him sexually. Apparently he's been suppressing these feelings for a long time. They've been in counseling for a while and it's come to the point where they feel the need to go their own separate ways. Too bad, they don't seem to have any really horrible issues to deal with like abuse, alcoholism or {gasp} crossdressing. I don't think either of them will find that being single at 50 will be quite as much fun as they imagine.

[MatildaJ.]

But suppressing your feelings for a lifetime (and being married to someone who isn't sexually interested in you) also isn't very much fun. I wish them both the best in their new lives.

[Gillian Gigs]

To quote a sign on the desk of a President, "the buck stops here". I don't mind fixing things, doing what has to be done, but way does the buck always stop with me. I don't remember seeing that it had to stop with me in the wedding vows. Why do I have to make all the difficult desicions? I like the one comment, You walk in the door, right away you hear, the dryer broke, so now I am the miracle worker? Is your finger broken that you can't call the service man, why do I have to be the one to call? Another comment, why is it the guys job to always initiate sex, if the girl wants it she should say so. If she was thirsty, would she wait until a drink was offered, or would she go and get a drink herself! I sometimes think that women live longer than men because they off load burdens onto the guy so he can carry them. Is this gender stereo typing or what? My generation has more than it's share of this.

I admit that I am into Cding more from the sexual side of things. I like to dress up and yea, I relieve myself occasionally at the same time. Why, STRESS relief, the stress of baring the burdens of life weighs you down, what could I do instead? Well there is eating, drinking, drugs, shooting something, yelling, beating on something, kicking the dog...all thing considered I would rather dress up and play with myself, it does less harm. Sorry I was not attempting to be crude.

We all have roles to play, sometimes they are of our own choosing, sometimes not. If Cding helps someone to get a break from the rigours of life, who am I to say no, you can't. One of the problems with this life is living up to anothers expectations, in marriage it is one thing, but in other relationships, it is another. Shouldn't a spouse be helping remove burdens by at least sharing the load, or by letting them CD if that is how they cope with the problems!

[MatildaJ.]

Why do I have to make all the difficult decisions?

What happens if you say, "I don't know, what do you think we should do?"

[devida]

Dizzy, you say

I say I am so tired of being a guy because I am suppose to fit into what the world says a guy should look like

I do agree with you but I also agree with wildaboutheels who points out that society won't change without our making it change. I don't have the gender dysphoria that many cds who want to transition have. I just don't understand why I have to live my life according to the very narrow gender definitions that sometimes seem to be the so called norm. But really, it's a lot weirder than we think. The extent to which you accept or incorporate gender definitions of masculinity or femininity has more to do with your idea of what's acceptable than what is actually accepted by society at large. American society is so incredibly diverse that you can push the boundaries as much as your courage will allow and remain safe as long as you use a small amount of common sense. It's probably not a good idea as a guy to get a drink in a biker's bar dressed as a French Maid, but even there I think you'd also have to be really obnoxiously aggressive to get in much trouble. People in the West are very accepting of deviance. I've lived in the Middle East and for a long time in the American South, and I assure you that Louisiana and Florida are beacons of tolerance compared to even a city as Westernized as Beirut.

I live in a small Florida town. Nobody dresses like I do. I do mean no man, btw. Obviously plenty of women do! I wear a mixture of male and female clothes all the time. I don't wear dresses out but I will wear stockings and tights. I wear short shorts and women's blouses. I wear make up, and I am not young. You know what? I think a lot of guys like it. I know a lot of women do, because they compliment me. About half as many times as women guys also compliment me, or give me a thumbs up. I get some disapproving looks but I have yet to have anyone insult me. Many people want to relax the rigidity of gender expectations about dress and probably about many other things. They just need people in all age groups and ethnicities to publicly push the boundaries. So push those boundaries as much as your courage and good sense will allow.

Because, if you don't, who will?

[Badtranny]

Because, if you don't, who will?

Goodness Devida, I was just suggesting that guys admit they don't like working on cars, and that riled up PQ something awful.

I can't wait for the fallout on this one. ;-)

[MissTee]

Sorry to come across as the ditsy one here, but it's a bit tough to follow the twists and turns in this thread. Is there a forgone conclusion that we must be unhappy if we are not out to the world in a fully blended, harmonious gender presentation? If so, nothing could be further from the truth.

[Gillian Gigs]

What happens if you say, "I don't know, what do you think we should do?"

I can't speak for others, but from my point of view, the more input anyone can get helps improve the chances of making a good decision. Hence what a spouse should do would be to offer any input that may be deemed as being helpful to a decision making process.

[dizzy]

Yea I am with you that someone has to push the limits in order for them to become normal, and I am doing what I am able to do I love wearing yoga pants and wear them all the time (I do hide my junk when I wear them) but in a town of over 100,000 people I cannot recall a time when I have even seen 1 other guy with yoga pants on when I have been out and about, same as finger nail polish except for the occasional black of course. Today I went out to the Post Office wearing high heal boots and womens jeans with a womens scarf over my coat and blue finger nail polish, I loved it. Just wish it was more normal and I would see others, there is security in numbers.

[MatildaJ.]

Is there a forgone conclusion that we must be unhappy if we are not out to the world in a fully blended, harmonious gender presentation? If so, nothing could be further from the truth.

LOL. No, I'm glad you're happy, however that happens. But personally I just want to encourage people to try to help break down the rigid gendered boxes whenever they feel they could help with that project. It could use a lot of help!

[DivineMissAmber]

According to Robert Heinlein, “A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.”

I love being a man and doing what men do. Growing up, I steered myself into masculine persuits. Tools. Cars. Outdoors. All that other stuff. These things are still interesting to me but they're not as important as they once were. I missed out on so much by focusing solely on masculine pursuits. I was left with a vacuum in my life. Crossdressing helps to fill that vacuum.

I'm just starting to scratch the surface of fashion, for example. There's so much to learn about body types and the clothes that work with each type of body. Now I'm learning about lengths, patterns, proportions, color. I get to experience how the design and pattern of a dress or skirt makes me feel.

I love doing what women do. Putting on makeup and a pretty dress is visceral. It allows me to see the world through a different lens. There's this feeling of stepping outside of myself and seeing just how I fit in the world. It puts things in perspective. As I learn these things, I try to integrate them into who I already am. I want to be a better person tomorrow than I am today.

To add the following to Heinlein's list: walk in heels, do an oil change, choose the right shade of blush, use a plumb-bob... The list goes on.