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Thread: Wife issues - advice needed.

  1. #26
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    Jan 2014
    Quote Originally Posted by JessM. View Post
    You seem to be saying that there's nothing she wants sexually. I'm dubious. I think most people just find it hard to talk about what they want. Maybe she'd like more backrubs, more footrubs, more foreplay, more orgasms for her? Does she ever get time without the kids, during the middle of the day on a Saturday, when she could explore erotica or something by herself when she's not already sleepy? Do you have a lock on your bedroom door so the two of you can get busy without worrying about the kids interrupting? I think women often don't have the drive to make sex a priority, but if you can help her figure out what really gives her intense pleasure, then you'll have a more willing partner to help you with your pleasure as well.

    Alternately, since you already know that she would like you to be more active in planning date nights, really make that a priority. Find a regular babysitter -- it's a lot easier when you have a regular relationship with a sitter for Friday nights, than when you try to find someone for a one-time thing. If you can't afford that, then find another couple in a similar situation, and exchange babysitting with them each weekend. Yes, that's a lot of kids in one house, but over time the kids will learn to play together, and meanwhile both couples will be able to go out twice a month.

    The point is to really put more effort into stuff that she likes -- increase the number of date nights you have, until it feels like a happy routine, not a rare treat. Don't expect an immediate pay-off, but in less than six months, if you have a strong relationship, she should notice that she feels better, and be looking for ways to make you happy too.
    Oh, she has drive :-) I meant she doesn't want anything unusual, not "nothing sexually". She's not shy to tell me what she wants but it never hurts to ask again and again and try to improve so that's good advice. We do have locks in our bedroom and we have a live-in nanny. We almost couldn't go out before because smaller baby didn't sleep well and needed breastfeeding when she woke up, so we were limited to very short time out and quite nervous. Just a few days ago baby stopped breastfeeding and now our nanny can handle her, so it opens up occasional opportunities for us to go out for longer time, to a restaurant or a concert etc. So I will make it a priority, that's good advice too. If I will be proactive and make sure she has enough attention, who knows, she might warm up to something more. At least she won't feel "neglected" and maybe will be less jealous for potential CD activity.

  2. #27
    Senior Member UNDERDRESSER's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Usually, wearing a skirt somewhere
    Now, I'm only hearing this from your point of view, but my understanding of this thread is your wife is not very empathic where other peoples viewpoints are involved. She has her family at the heart of her world, and doesn't need "hobbies" outside of that. All well and good, and I don't say that there is anything wrong with that, but she simply can't see your need for anything, beyond that. When you had time for hobbies, what was her attitude to them? If she was enthusiastic, or at least generous with allowing you time/money for them, that might indicate I'm on the wrong path, but if she tended to grumble about them, or complained about reasonable cost, it might be another indication that this is part of it. If she will "tolerate" but doesn't really accept that the need to dress is part of you, then it all starts to become a serious issue in her mind. You say English is not your first language, are you from an area where the traditional family is a very strong part of life? Perhaps with a strong religious component?

    I am starting to think that this will be something that isn't going to get solved without an outside mediator. You're almost past the 10 posts limits, when you can send and receive private messages, hopefully one of the others in your area will know of a good therapist/counsellor.

    Best wishes and good luck.
    "Normal is what you get when you average out the weirdness that everybody has." Quote from my SO

    Normal is a setting on a washing machine, or another word for average.

    The fact that I wear a skirt as a male should not be taken as a comment on what you do, or do not wear, or how you wear it.

  3. #28
    New Member
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    Jan 2014
    Quote Originally Posted by UNDERDRESSER View Post
    if she tended to grumble about them, or complained about reasonable cost
    Well, that's pretty much dead on :-) It took a visit to a psychologist to convince her that letting me spend couple of hundred dollars a year on some new or old hobby is OK and harmless. Not that she is bad about it, she just doesn't understand why do I need it...

    Quote Originally Posted by UNDERDRESSER View Post
    are you from an area where the traditional family is a very strong part of life?
    Right again, but no religious component there... Pretty much all of the world is relatively conservative with those issues, outside of north America and parts of Europe. Still this is not very accepted even in those "tolerant" countries...

    Once again, thank you everyone for your replies, it definitely helped.
    Last edited by Di; 01-07-2014 at 05:54 PM.

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