Hi all, it's my first post here. Sorry if I'm too verbose, but it's difficult to express. As a matter of fact I've never told anyone about my issues but my first girlfriend and then my wife. Feel free to skip to the actual questions at the bottom if you like.

I've felt the urge to crossdress since early childhood but it only really happened first time when I was 20 with my first girlfriend. As you can imagine it was hell just to figure out what I am and accept my desires as integral part of me and not some mental illness. It was before internet, so information was not available. I'm straight and CD part of me is not dominant, and relatively small. Ideally, all I would like to do is to dress up discreetly and occasionally (but more or less regularly) and have some fun with my wife while doing it. You can probably already guess what the problem is... But let me continue. So, I don't want to do it full-time, I'm not transgender, I'm happy being a man and a father and so on. However crossdressing is a part of me and it is important for me, possibly more so because it's very rare. I can't be entirely happy if I have to totally suppress it, and my wife understands that.

I have told my wife about my desires and fantasies soon after we started dating, she was shocked but she is very caring so she didn't shut me out and for 15 years since then she tries to be accepting and very occasionally agrees to participate and help me dress up and even do some kinky stuff in bed. She does it because she loves me and wants me to be happy, but she's just coping with it at best occasions, and it can make her sad and unhappy at worst. I try as much as I can to make the experience enjoyable for her, but unsurprisingly it looks like I'm failing. We love each other very much, and try to make each other happy.

Recently when she saw a groupon for "Rocky Horror" live performance on my screen (I didn't even dare to ask her about going) to my astonishment she suggested we go. It was my first time dressed out in public (while having a decent excuse for doing that). It was wildly exciting and exhilarating. She liked the show, was cheerful, and I was completely happy. However when I mentioned later that I'd like to repeat that experience in some way or other, she became very sad and said that the problem with me is that no matter what I have I always want more of it and better, and I can never be satisfied with what I have, that she can never make me entirely happy because of this. In CD side of things she is right because I feel "starved" and I always interpret every good or new experience that we share as a step towards acceptance and leading to something better, but it's not.

I had 15 years to realize that it's not going to get much better, and that every time I talk to her about doing anything I just make her unhappy. And making her unhappy is the worst thing I can imagine. Each time I dread the moment I try to ask her for the next "happening" and every serious talk we have about CD is excruciating for both of us. We don't fight, but there is no solution in sight. Last night I was particularly sad with a case of "winter blah" as they say, and we ended up with another sad and awful talk, she was in tears and even said some not very nice things to me, which almost never happens. Things like crossdressing being ugly and she is surprised that I with my sense of aesthetics don't understand it (well, I do understand it, women naturally look better dressed the same way, and no matter how I try I would look weird, but it doesn't change anything for me).

Here is the actual dilemma I need advice about: she feels jealous about this side of me, almost as if I'd be seeing another woman. So she is strongly against me dressing up on my own in any shape or form. The problem is she doesn't like to do it with me either, and even when she agrees to participate, it's emotionally difficult both for me (because I realize she is doing it just for me and doesn't like it at all, and I have a huge guilt complex because of this) and for her (because she has to go way beyond her comfort zone and it's still hard for her to accept this). So it's a vicious circle - can't do it with her, can't do it without her. Lying is not an option - her intuition and perception for detail are amazing, and I'm not a good liar, so she would always find out. Besides, I'd feel awful lying to her, we never do that to each other.

I can't continue like that, something has to happen. I can't force her to like it - and honestly there isn't much to like... I'm afraid to even raise the issue after our last talk, because it makes her so sad and now even a bit angry (that's new). Even before yesterday when she agreed to participate, realizing the damage I'm causing to her well-being sometimes killed much of the enjoyment for me. Now, I wouldn't even know how to ask...

The only options I seem to have are the following:

1. Continue trying to suppress the urges and fantasies and do my best to suffer in silence - which eventually makes me depressed and in turn her as well, because she hates it when I'm unhappy (same applies to me). I'm afraid it's not very feasible, I couldn't last for very long...

2. Just force the issue and say that I have to do it and she has to let me to do it on my own if she's not happy doing it with me, basically implying that I have to disregard her feelings and act on my own (not sure how exactly BTW) and she would just have to accept it. Nothing like that has ever happened with us in terms of forcing the issues and applying a strong pressure, I'm afraid that it could strain our relationship to the verge of breaking, which I would never ever want to happen.

Neither option seems good for our marriage. We love each other and have kids, so splitting up is just not an option. We have to deal with this somehow. Not doing anything just eats me inside...

What should I do? What would you do in this situation? What compromises can you think of that I haven't? What arrangements can exist that we haven't thought of? I would appreciate any advice, because I guess the problem is far from unique, maybe other people have managed to deal with it more successfully...

I realize that it's not likely that any advice can really help, but decided to try asking for it anyway - maybe at least there would be some ideas we could talk over and there would be some progress...